Faint

Hey everyone.

This isn't my usual update, which I apologize for. Hell, I'm not even sure why I'm doing this, but I was watching a video from My Digital Escape, and I started to feel... Down.

You guys all guessed that I have been sad for awhile, which is true. And since I feel comfortable with you guys, I'm deciding to share my entire story. I've never told anyone the full thing, so this is kinda hard for me at the moment.

When I was in grade 8, I was auditioning for an arts school for high school. In January, the month of my audition, I started having mild panic attacks and breakdowns. Back in October, I had a major freak out and I think that's where it all started.

In December, my brother recently started dating this girl. I loved her, but my mom did not. They got in fights constantly, and I was often left in the middle, along with my dad. Neither of us could take it, but we managed. Somehow. To be honest, I don't remember this time too much, all i know was it was the one of the worst times of my life.

I got into the school, and still go there. I thought that after my acceptance, I would start to feel better. I didn't. When I was younger, I was often teased for my looks, shyness, or simply made fun of. My 'friends' would mock me and avoid me, claiming that it was just a game and I was being too 'emotional.' My closest friend at the time was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I tried my best to be there for her. Eventually, it became too much, and I would get angry at her. I was blamed for occasionally snapping at her and that made me feel alone.

Flash forward to April of grade 8, I started cutting myself. I used to scrape my arms with a pencil but then one day, I lost it. I became addicted to it, and developed a mild eating disorder. Everything was wrong in my life, to me at least. To everyone else, nothing was wrong.

The summer before grade 9, I was forced to hide my scars from my family. They practically forced me to wear shorts and t-shirts, so I used concealer to hide them to the best of my ability. I guess it worked, since they didn't notice. That summer, my brother who I was extremely close with went to university. I was left alone.

My parents found out I cut myself. They knew I was depressed, but ignored it, even denied it. They were upset, and shocked, never guessing their picture perfect daughter could do such a thing.

It got really bad. I cried everyday, sometimes during school. Every other moment I was numb. I couldn't feel anything, nor do I remember anything from that time. I was suicidal, and nearly killed myself a dozen times. Bands like Pierce the Veil, Black Veil Brides, Sleeping with Sirens, All Time Low and many others helped me. I owe my life to them and their music. Bryanstars and Johnnie Guilbert also have helped me tremendously.

Present time, I'm doing a bit better. My parents still do not and probably never will know the extent of my problems, but it's better that way. My brother while at first was my biggest supporter, now makes me feel like absolute shit. While he's the perfect student and achieving everything he ever planned in life, I'm fighting to stay alive each day. If I were to speak up, I'd be hushed as quickly as I spoke. So I choose to be quiet.

Thats also where you guys come in. This story and all my other ones have made my life better. I have something to do, I get to meet amazing people, but also I feel like I'm loved. Silly maybe, but I love you guys so much. I hope you never go through what I went and still am going though, and if you EVER need to talk to someone, I'll gladly lists or distract you from your problem.

Ily <3

Notes

chapter will be out probably tomorrow btw :)