Faint

Courtney's POV:

I was home.

It felt entirely surreal, being back at my home after those long months of pure torture. It felt oddly dream-like, like at any given moment, everything around me would vanish into thin air, melting away to reveal the true horrors of my reality, a reality I was not yet prepared to face. But yet, when I ran my fingers over the grooves of the front door, it didn't obliterate into nothingness, my loved ones faces did not meld into those of my nightmares (inside thought, is it really considered a nightmare if you have them during the hours of light?) and most of all, I felt whole.

But that's he thing about dreams, they can feel so much like the real world that we crave the ability to live inside and through them. Perhaps that is the true notion behind addicts of any kind, they prefer the false reality opposed to the harsh, yet truthfully one. And then they allow themselves to become submerged into a world of drugs, alcohol, sex or worst of all, their own dark subconscious. Only then, do they truly succumb to the intoxicating addiction of insanity.

I had the privilege of tasting only a small portion of my inner madness, and while I fought hard to resist its temptation, it still manages to claw its way into my head, slowly eating away at my every fibre until I am nothing without it, until I cease to exist as a person, and instead resemble a hollow shell of who I once was. That is what I Am scared of most, caving in to that darkness.

After we arrived back in LA< Ash was quick to drag me to a doctor. The doctor first checked over my mostly healed wounds, and weighed me (I was once again, under wight), and therefore my period had briefly stopped, although it would resume again in no time with a proper diet. Once we finished with my physical examination, he had Ash and Andy sit down with me and talk about me 'mental state'. It was often for patients and victims to a traumatic experience to result in depression or severe anxiety, which was why I was to be closely watched over the following weeks. I suppose I should be watched, but I feel fine, aside from being scarred for the rest of my life, i feel alright.

Alright is fine.

And fine is dying.

And dying is madness.

And madness is me.

Notes

well guys, this chapter was exceptionally dark, which i apologize for
but I feel... broken right now, a lot like Courtney tbh

sorry for existing