Bullied

My mom called out to me that dinner was ready.

I had to take my whole power to f*cking stop crying and go downstairs to pretend everything was alright. I always thought it had something to do with discipline but it hasn't. When you feel like a piece of shit you feel like a piece of shit and discipline can't change it.

"Hello Andy" my dad already sat on the table with my little sister
"Hey" I said as quietly as possible - trying to not risk any attention. I sat down.

Amanda had a skeptical look at me. She put a questioning mimic on her face - asking me to say what's wrong.
I just shook my head then saw away. My fingers were playing with the left piercing of my lip. I felt how I trembled.
Her brown eyes were totally fixed on my face - trying to make me look at her again. Her glance pierced my soul and nearly made me cry again.

Why did I always cry? I was never that way before.

My father's view commuted between me and Mandy. He wanted to get what was going on in front of him.
"Did I miss something?" he tried to look at both of us.

Then I saw at Amanda again. We had a extremely tensed eye contact. Like we were able to discuss by just staring into each other's eyes.
Her ones were so clear... Dark but clear. Nobody was ever able to shine as bright as her with those eyes.
I waited for her. For her to lie that it was all normal.
My sister looked angry and forcing with that view. I couldn't notice if she really was - there wasn't a real reason to be upset.
But one thing was sure: Amanda tried to make me weak and give in. To tell everyone that nothing was ok.
It was her way to help people - she made them help theirselfes with giving them guilty feelings.
But not this time. I couldn't ruin our new life that fast.

~Can't you just stop starring. You're making me... ~
My bloodshot eyes were about to let tears out again.
No no no. Please not.
I held it back. It left some more pressure on my inside but I held it back. I wonder if Amanda saw how my muscles tensed to do that.

"No... It's alright" Mandy said shortly looking at dad and faking a smile.

We were like day and night. How could she do that so easily?

Then she saw back at me again with a mimic like: "I know it's not alright. Hope you're proud of yourself to lie to our parents"
Oh she had the power of the devil but used it to help others in a really awkward way.
And I somehow appreciated that she tried to help me - even thought it was her typical strange way...

My dad was about to open his mouth as mom put the meal on the table.
She interrupted our weird situation with her kind way "I hope you're hungry"
Then the typical family speach started. How was school blablabla
I heard how Mandy talked about her classmates. It was certain that she was quickly going to find new friedns.
I didn't say anything.. tried to appear as usual as always.
I hadn't any appetite again - just pushed the food with my fork into one corner of the plate and back.

"Andy, why don't you eat your meal?" my dad nearly whispered to not interrupt the continuing talk of Amanda and my mother.
"I'm not really hungry at all" I kept playing with it
"You know how much your mom works for our dinner. She stands in the kitchen for so long. Do me a favor and eat some more."
I nodded slightly and nibbled some more on my food... but not that much.
"Andy what's wrong?" my mother now asked.
They all stared at me. It made me nervous. I've never been that afraid in front of my family before.
"I-I... ... I just feel a little sick. May I go to my room? I think I need a nap right now"
Mom looked worried "Of course you can go."
I stood up and left
It was just all too much..

Notes

Trying to make things getting worse.. slowly
(omf I sound like the devil himself)