My Fallen Angel

I woke up with a major hangover and dread.

“Why am I on the couch?” I think out loud

“Because you crashed after having like four beers” Annabelle says from the kitchen “You know, I still can’t believe you live in this house alone, it’s huge”

“Eh, I came into some money and decided I wanted something bigger than an apartment, so why not a whole house”

“You came into some money?” She says, disbelief all over her tone

“Yea, uh, my parents died in a wreck and left a ton of cash to me” I say quietly, hoping she won’t hear

“Your parents? They left you money” She says, emphasis on the ‘they’ and ‘you’

“Uh yea...”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me your parents died?”

“Because you were off with that Jason moron and I was alone” I snap at her, instantly regretting it

“I did leave you alone, didn’t I” She says sadly

“Yea, but don’t worry about it, I mean I never really knew them anyway”

“Do you ever... regret... not going back to them?”

“Well... I mean... Let’s not talk about that”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to” I snap again and my eyes flash red and gold and I close them instantly “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get that angry”

“No it’s my fault” she says and puts her hand over mine, reassuringly

“Sometimes I really hate having the temper of a demon... Anyway I need to talk to Andy, so will you be okay here on your own?”

“Oh please, I’m a grown woman” She stops and giggles “I really like being able to call myself a woman” She says and giggles again

“I’m going” I say and leave her standing there laughing at herself “She’s such a nut”

I get in my truck and head to Andy’s apartment complex. It’s almost two in the afternoon, so I really hope he’s not out doing something. I climb the stairs to the second floor and find his door. I take a deep breath and hesitate before knocking. When the door opens I’m instantly enveloped in a tight hug

“I missed you so much” He says into my hair

I stand there shocked for a few seconds before I feel my legs give out and my eyes cloud over as I’m sent into another flashback

~”I missed you so much” He says as he hugs me and gently pecks me on the lips many times

“I missed you too, babe, but I needed to get out for a while”

“I know, but I still missed you” He says and laughs shyly~

“Jess?” I hear Andy say

I regain my sight to see that we’re now on his couch and he has a hold of me in a very protective way

“Yea, sorry...”

“Would you stop apologizing every time you have a flashback?” He asks with a hint of laughter to his tone

“Right” I almost say sorry again but stop myself

“So, you ready to talk about things?”

“What things?” I ask hesitantly

“You know, why you were mad at me and stuff”

“I showed you the picture didn’t I?”

“Yea, but you said it yourself, Alix is manipulative, so why were you still mad at me”

“I don’t know, because I’m a girl and we’re stupid” I half yell at him

His eyes soften as he looks at me “It’s fine, as long as you’re not mad at me anymore”

“Of course I’m not, why else would I be here?” I snap again and he looks at me curiously

“Sorry, I’m apparently not in a very good mood today, I yelled at Belle, too”

“You know, sometimes I wish I could be in a bad mood” He says a little too solemnly for the context of his words

“What?” I ask, genuinely curious

“Angels can’t have ‘bad days’. Fallen or otherwise”

“Really? That’s kinda weird, ‘cause you’d think by that standard, demons couldn’t have
good days”

“Demons live much more freely than angels” There’s a hint of venom in his voice, but I don’t question it “I guess that’s why I’ve always been drawn to them”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve told you, I always hung around demons when I was an angel visiting Earth and what ultimately killed my past girlfriend was a jealous angel. Who, by the way, didn’t get punished in the least bit, but I was still forced to fall and left with useless, ugly, torn, wings”

“Your wings aren’t ugly. Especially compared to mine”

“You’ll always tell me that, won’t you?”

“As long as you hate your wings, yes”

“Then I’ll always tell you that your wings are gorgeous”

I smile at him and look down, completely forgetting the sour mood I was in just a moment ago

Andy leans in a kisses me softly and me, being my ignorant self, am completely caught off guard, but I melt into his embrace soon enough

“Who’s Belle?” Andy asks after he moves away from our kiss

“An old friend who came back”

“Well that’s nice, at least you weren’t alone”

“Yea”

“So, does she know about me?”

“About you or about what you are?”

“Both, I guess

I close my eyes quickly as I feel another flashback come on

~He raises his fist and hits me in the stomach where I’m already bruised and bloody

“You pathetic piece of shit, why the hell would you ruin that body?” He yells “You know I hate looking at scars”

“I-I know” I stutter out and he hits me again, right where I had just made a huge cut with an overly sharpened kitchen knife I had hidden in my dresser drawer

“Don’t ever do that again or I’ll cut you myself!” He yells again and I feel the tears prick my eyes, but I choke them back, not wanting to look weak

“I won’t, j-just p-please stop” I say, barely above a whisper~

I’m being shaken awake by someone and I can faintly hear them saying something, but I’m in so much pain that nothing matters anymore. I’m doubled over, arms wrapped around my stomach and there’s blood. So. Much. Blood. I start to panic, but someone embraces me protectively. I start to regain my senses and I find that there really wasn’t any blood and my stomach didn’t actually hurt

I look up to find those deep blue eyes looking at me with, what, pity? No, it was more kind than that. Worry. Genuine worry was laced through all of his features. Those brilliant blue eyes held so much sadness and worry in them that it almost made me cry.

“Jessicka, are you okay?” He asks with the same worry in his voice

It was then that I realised this boy actually loved me. Not like I had thought he had

“Yea, fine” I say and get up to leave

“Where are you going?”

“Home” I say referring to my warehouse

“Why? You didn’t even tell me what that flashback was about. You looked so scared”

“I don’t do fear” I say and walk out of his apartment

He follows me to the doorway “Please, I can help”

“I already told you, you can’t help me”

I don’t bother looking back at him because I know his expression will kill me

I head to my place first and grab the knife I had kept from my previous relationship and bring it with me

I don’t even bother getting into my truck; I just walk the 9 miles out to the forest and then the other mile and a half to the warehouse. I walk inside and sit on a fallen scrap of wood. I pull the knife out of my pocket and aim it at my wrist, but I can’t do anything.

‘Demons are too proud for that’ I remember the words that I had said.

I was so broken that night with my ex that I could’ve done anything, including trying to kill myself; but I’m not broken right now, just ashamed, and angry. So, so angry. But with who? Andy? No, not Andy, I could never be mad at him, even when he sort of cheated I wasn’t angry, I just couldn’t stand to look at him.

Am I angry with my parents for abandoning me when I needed them most? No, I hated them for so long, but after they died, I couldn’t hate them anymore, I mean what other reaction could they have had to their daughter growing wings? Of course they’d disown me

Was I angry at my ex for doing all those unspeakable things to me? No, I hate him, but I can’t be angry at him anymore because I took what was most precious to him.
I was angry with myself for being so untrusting, so awful, so stupid, so unwilling to love, so... so scared.

I try over and over again to stab the knife into the vein on my wrist, but each time, I just can’t do it. I had come so close to killing myself back then, but I had run to the hospital the second he had left. I could’ve died right there, on the floor of house. He wouldn’t have minded one bit and it was obviously a suicide, but I hadn’t just laid there like I had wanted to. I walk out of the house and towards the hospital before collapsing on the cold concrete in front of a park nearby where I used to live. Next thing I knew I had awoken in a hospital, the nurses telling me an elderly couple had found me on the sidewalk, bleeding out. I had even been too proud then to tell the doctors and nurses that I had done it to myself, so I just claimed I couldn’t remember what happened.

I’d never be able to do it again.

I try one last time, I force the knife down as hard and as fast as I could manage and it makes contact. The blood slowly starts to trickle down before it turns to gushing out. I smile silently at myself because I had managed to do it and this time I wasn’t going to save myself, and no one knew where I was so they couldn’t save me either. I close my eyes slowly before hearing a twig snap and jumping to attention.

Nick come into to view a few seconds later and runs to me as soon as he sees what I’ve done

“Just go away” I breathe out quietly as the loss of blood has already drained my energy

“Jess, why would you do this?” He asks just as quiet and I look at him with no emotion on my face, just one single tear that had escaped

He grabs the knife from my hand and throws it into the woods somewhere and he carries me bridal style to a waiting car

“How did you find me?” I whisper to him

“Andy told me you had run off and I figured this is where you’d be” He answers. There’s nothing frantic to his voice like I would’ve expected from him, finding me dying. "Don't worry, Andy doesn't know where this place is, I wouldn't tell him"

I lean against his shoulder and fall asleep.

Notes

So kind of a dark chapter

Do you think Jessicka actually managed to kill herself this time? Or will she somehow recover from massive blood loss?

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I love you all and remember to always stay strong