This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy

“I won’t let you go. If you want to join me so badly then I won’t go.”

I was determined. I was sure that what I was doing was right. I knew that the words that had just left my mouth were of best choice.

However, the moment I looked up to see his reaction all those thoughts turned to ash. He wasn’t sad. He wasn’t angry either. He was disappointed, and that’s the worst.

I would’ve preferred the screaming; the yelling, the shouting, whatever you wanted to call it. The rage in his words would’ve been better than the depth I was seeing in his eyes. Sad was cool too. A depressed ‘Why?’ would’ve been better than a disappointed “Oh.”

So he was there, in front of me, his lips still slightly pursed in an “o” position, and in merely ten seconds he was standing, walking towards a drawer and taking out a red towel, then throwing it in my direction. I managed to catch it quickly so I wouldn’t go a second without watching his every move.

Since I knew that everything Andy did had a meaning, every look he gave wanted to say something, every step he took was for something, I didn’t want to miss a clue of his thoughts. For example, the way his clean hand and tattooed arm so effortlessly threw the towel in my direction, and the way his eyes looked somewhere else, not waiting to actually see if I had caught it or not; probably meant he wanted me to take a shower and leave him alone.
Well, me being me, that wasn’t going to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to take a shower, though I didn’t really want to leave him alone.

“Wait,” I started, but the way he walked out of the small room was a clear sign that he had no intention in ‘waiting’. So since he wouldn’t wait I was going to have to go after him myself.
“Andy, please.” I stopped him by grabbing his arm, he was warm and it seemed that he wasn’t expecting my touch. He turned to face me, the disappointment still present in his eyes. I had his attention, and whatever I said now had to be thought out, it was a delicate situation. I looked into his eyes for a minute to think though and make sure that I wasn’t going to regret what I was mentally deciding.

However, the words came out of his mouth faster than mine. “I feel like I have all these plans for us and you just… push me away.” He paused and I let go of his arm. “Are you afraid? Do you have other plans for your life? Am I just a temporary person for you?” He shot his questions at me as if he already knew the answer.

So I decided that I should respond with a question of my own: “If you go with me, do you promise me we’ll be coming back?”

He seemed surprised. And confused. But mostly surprised. He nodded, “Of course. I’m not running away, I’m taking a break.”

I thought about it. I needed him with me as a matter of fact. I couldn’t deal with everything on my own, plus, my mother wasn’t much help. My only fear was that he forget his responsibilities and just stay in the USA, no intention of coming back to his life.

“Okay,” I said cautiously “Ask the principal for permission to leave for a week; we won’t need to spend much time there anyway.”

“Fine. Go get cleaned up, I need to be a priest soon.”

I made my way back in the room, and picked up the towel. It was the first time I obeyed an order so quickly. I dragged myself into the bathroom, taking off my clothes and feeling vulnerable, naked. I waited for the water to reach a warm and comfortable temperature, once I could see the light steam rise from the water I got under the shower head. The moment the water hit my skin I was automatically relaxed, washing away my stress and finally feeling clean again.

Once I was done, I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my body. My feet touched the cold floor tiles, a great contrast with the steamy air around me, filling the bathroom. I opened the door and looked around before entering the room. On the bed I saw a clean set uniform just waiting for me to put it on. I mentally thanked Andrew and changed quite quickly; constantly afraid he would burst into the room any second.

Once I sat of the edge of the bed, all my problems came crashing down on me. I was going to have to speak to Ivy eventually. I had to call my mom to confirm my trip back for dad. Macy still existed.

I thought about how my trip back to the USA would be. I would have to face my parents again, after all this time they didn’t even call me, if I hadn’t called my mom I’m not sure I would even be knowing about my father’s whole situation. Things were tense and I was sure that Andy going with me would lighten the environment. Plus it would be really fun to finally spend time with him freely and somewhere away from this hell-hole. Him going with me would also be an excuse to not spend my week off in my old house, alone with my mom. I actually needed him with me after all. I don’t know why I wanted to go alone anyway; it wouldn’t help me out at all. I trusted him enough to stick to the plan and come back without picking a fight or anything.

The door opened and the tall man I endlessly thought of came in and sat down next to me, out thighs touching. He was silent at first, but I knew he was about to speak.

“What’s wrong?” I pushed him to talk. He pondered on my question, carefully choosing his words.

“I went to talk to the principal. And um… she says even though my intentions are good, I can’t take a break. She says the holidays are soon here and there was plenty of work to do.” He didn’t look me in the eye, not once.

“Oh…” We sat there in silence.

I had just convinced myself that I couldn’t leave without him. I couldn’t deal with my mother alone with all of this happening. Things would go wrong and I knew it. My mother was deeply afraid of being alone. She would want me to stay there with her. She wouldn’t let me leave; I would stuck there once again, helpless. I can't risk that.

I had to call her. I had to tell her that I can’t go see my dying father.

Notes

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