This Is Our Sweet Blasphemy

After a few moments of waiting out in the cold in only my long sleeved uniform without a jacket, I saw a silver car come o a stop in front of me. Alex came out of the car and walked up to me. He stood in front of me and studied my facial expression and my body language. I felt his arms wrap themselves tightly around me in a matter of seconds. I hugged him back loosely, my head digging in the crook of his neck, smelling his nice scented perfume and deodorant, I felt him lean his head upon mine, as if sniffing my hair.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that; but honestly, I didn’t want our embrace to end. I felt sheltered in a way; it vaguely reminded me of Andrew, though with Andy, I felt more protected and loved, as if his grip around me meant that he’d never want to lose me.

Now I felt as if it was all just a lie. The thing was; I was mad at him, but I couldn’t get him out of my head.

Alex let go of me but he kept his hands on my shoulders. I didn’t meet his gaze, afraid he’d see how broken I was. No such luck, two of his fingers touched underneath my chin, pushing my head up to face him gently. He looked at me for what seemed like a very long time before taking my hand and leading me to his car.

Once I was sitting in the surprisingly clean car, I felt a lot more relaxed; like I was free. It reminded me of the first time I’d snuck out, the day I met Alex. It had been like I had stuffed away all my problems in the school, so once I went outside the gates, I felt liberated.

While in the warmth of the car, Alex and I were quiet. I was that type of person who didn’t like to talk, but loved to listen. So I decided to force myself into starting a conversation where I knew I wouldn’t need to talk much.

“So… Uh, what happened with Jack?” I asked, in a shushed tone, I didn’t know if they’ve broken up in good terms or bad.

“Oh, I don’t know what got into him!” he exclaimed, I guess he was now mad at Jack, before he was practically depressed, though he must’ve passed that phase by now.

He talked the entire ride, sometimes he actually made me forget about all that was happening at the moment and I let out a smile, though I quickly remembered why I was in his car and I felt like crying all over again.

In a few minutes, Alex parked in front of a big apartment; it had white walls, with blue tinted windows put in a stylish pattern to ‘decorate’ in some sorts the building. Without the blue in those windows I expected the place to be dull and just like any other building in London.

I opened my door carefully because I’m always afraid the door will swing and snap and break, then I walked up to the gate and stared at the building, pondering on the fact that I hadn’t slept anywhere else except the school since I got here, as I waited for Alex to join me.

I wasn’t afraid, no, but I was still uneasy. I had no reason to be afraid, I knew Alex and I trusted him enough to not hurt me in any way.

You thought that about Ivy also, remember?

The little voice in the back of my mind, also known as ‘subconscious’, whispered my hesitation and made me worry as well as lose confidence in what I was doing. I couldn’t dwell on those thoughts or else they’d pull me down in a black pit full of stress and anxiety so I decided to push them aside and think about other things.

Alex and I were walking down a few corridors; he was talking about how his place was a mess but I wasn’t listening. My thoughts automatically started racing to Andrew. I checked the time on my watch and saw that I had only 4 hours until midnight rang. I still wasn’t sure if I should meet up with him or not, I wanted to hear what he had to say but at the same time I was worried of what I was going to hear about.

I didn’t want to go all the way back to the school just to hear something that would make me cry and feel worse than I’m feeling now. If Andy said one little thing wrong, he could easily break me; and if that happened, I had no idea how I was going to fix myself... again.

I was currently standing outside an open door while Alex pulled out his key from the lock and threw it in a baby blue bowl posed on a small table right next to the entrance. I walked in slowly, admiring the place. There weren’t any sinister corridors like the school had, or disappointing walls like back home. The place was somewhere I have never been before and never imagined going to, it was… new.

The first thing I noticed was the way everything seemed spotless. Not a trace of dirt or dust anywhere. It was as if Alex had spent his entire life scraping the tile floor and furniture with the cleanest toothbrush he could find.

The second thing I noticed though was the clothes. There were clothes everywhere. Literally. Some were on the kitchen counter, others were hanging around on the bathroom shower head, and a few were just plainly lying on the ground, ready to be stepped on at any moment. Which was exactly what happened, I tried avoiding to step on them but after a while seeing that Alex was practically stomping on them I decided to just not care they existed.

We sat down on his fluffy black couch that had an amazing contrast with the polished white tiles and Alex went to grab a pot of Ben&Jerry’s Cookie Dough flavored ice cream and two big spoons. He grinned at me while handing me one of the spoons and I gave him a small smile in return.

“So, tell me,” He said, while taking a spoonful of ice cream and putting it in his mouth. The next words he pronounced were muffled “what’s bringin’ ya down?”

I started talking about everything that was happening at the moment, and I was doing okay in expressing myself until I got to the part about my father. From the moment I said ‘My father is going to die’ I could feel the tears start flooding my eyes and running down my cheeks like a dam breaking free; there was no way I could possibly hold them back, it’s been too long since I’ve been holding them in, trying to be strong and not letting anything get to me, it was as if I’ve lost control over my feelings, they were going crazy and I had no idea how I could calm them down.

In the end I guess there was no way, I needed to stop holding things back because sooner or later they were going to come out without me being able to control them. I was sobbing by this point, and I felt like crying was something I needed. There are people who say that ‘crying doesn’t help’, but honestly, I disagree, for those who can’t express themselves, crying is one of the numerous ways the feelings inside can break free. I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my chest and I could finally breath without coughing up water from the last time I had drowned.

Alex had wrapped his arms around me and was holding me against him, I was practically lying on the couch by now, Alex’s hand was playing with my hair in a soothing manner, while he hummed a song I didn’t know. My face was entirely wet and I could feel myself drift off to sleep. I could faintly hear Alex sing, I just made out a few verses; “These wounds were opened, Like lines in the sand, The world is sleeping, But they still have hope so…”

My eyelids started becoming heavy to a point that I couldn’t keep them open anymore. The last thing I saw was a red clock hanging on the wall that read: 10:15.

Notes

Writers block is a bitch, sorry #.#