Destiny's Kiss

“Andy, hun. Are you okay?” I put my hand on his cheek and looked into his eyes.

His beautifully bright blue eyes were now gray and full of pain. We stood there for a few moments before he pulled me into a tight hug, resting his head on my shoulder. I had no idea what he had been through, or is still going through, I just wanted him to beat the depression that was dragging him down. But who am I to talk--I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 12, most days, it taking control over me.

I could feel his warm breath on the nape of my neck. I hugged him tight and gently ran my fingers through his raven hair. I couldn’t find the right words to speak, so I let the silence stay, blissfully surrounding us.

I leaned my head against his and softly sang, “I believe that we all fall down sometimes. Can’t you see, that we all fall down sometimes.”

He pulled away from me and just stood there looking at me-- he wasn’t frowning, but he wasn’t smiling either. He looked…almost amazed. So amazed that he stood there, lifeless, just starring into my eyes; deep into my soul. My heart started beating faster, and it felt as though time had stopped completely. He slowly brought his hand up, pushing the bangs that had fallen over onto my face, behind my ear. His hand lay there, resting on my cheek.

The warmth from his hand spread throughout my face, then down my neck. I saw his face slowly moving towards mine: before I knew it, his soft lips were pressed up against mine. I moved my hand onto his cheek and kissed back. He pulled me close to him; there was no space left between our bodies now. I could feel his heart beating hard against my chest; it was thumping hard and fast. The kiss was so passionate and magical. It even made my heart skip a beat. But, as fast as it had begun, it was over.

My body was tingling and weary; it felt like all my nerves were firing simultaneously. I was breathing slightly heavy and I couldn’t help but stare at his half naked body. I’d only known him for a matter of days but it felt like so much longer. I forgot what it felt like to love someone. I honestly forgot what it was like to have someone that made me happy. It awakened feelings in me I had pushed so deep inside. I never wanted those feelings to come back-- they make me so vulnerable.

I was almost in tears as so many thoughts filled my head. I couldn’t escape from my own mind; it was pure torture. I felt so trapped and weak. I looked around and noticed Andy had gone into the bathroom and closed the door. I couldn’t help but feel like I had to run; I had to escape the feelings. I didn’t want to show how weak I had suddenly become, so I walked out to the balcony. I closed the sliding glass door behind me and took a deep breath in. I frantically pulled out my cigarettes and lit one up. I felt the smoke fill my lungs, and all my muscles relaxed. My breathing started to slow and I began to mellow out. I leaned up against the balcony railing, exhaling the thick smoke. I stood there, focusing on clearing my mind. I took another drag off my cigarette and sighed.

“Fuck.” I mumbled to myself starring down at my feet.

I couldn’t help but wondering what caused Andy to react that way to my comforting. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing, barricaded in the bathroom. Did he not want to see me? Did he regret kissing me?

The dreadful, vulnerable thoughts had returned to haunt my mind once again. I hated this; I hating feeling so vulnerable more than anything else I’ve ever experienced. These feelings make you so fragile and breakable.

I heard my phone buzz inside, and went in to retrieve it. I peered down at my phone’s screen, realizing I had never texted Nickolas back. I still didn’t know what to say, but staying here with all the lingering awkwardness didn’t seem like such a great idea anymore.

______________________________
To Nickolas:
Hey Nickypoo. I’ll meet you there. See you then :)
______________________________

What am I going to tell Andy? Oh, hey: I’m going to have a one-night-stand with a really rich drug dealer because you just kissed me, then decided to barricade yourself in the bathroom for some fucking reason. Seee yaaa. It didn’t really seem like he wanted me here anymore.

I sulked back inside-- he still hadn’t come out of the bathroom. I changed into the clothes I was wearing and headed for the door. I hated that these things kept happening between us. What the fuck is wrong with us? I felt so terrible about the kiss. He must realize how much of a burden I would be to him, that’s why he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

I sulked down the stairs and towards the living room. I just wanted to forget what happened all together. I rubbed my head and plopped down on the leather couch.

“Hey sexy.” Ashley plopped down beside me..
“Hi.” I responded.
“Where’d you go?”
“Oh…I was just talking to Andy. Nothing major.” I shrugged.
“Oh, okay. You wanna go do something? I’m bored out of my fucking mind here.”
“Yeah, sure. What do you want to do?”
“I have no idea. What’s there to do, here? I haven’t been back to this place in over a year. I’m sure a lot has changed..”
“Yeah...uh…there’s not shit to do in this town, so we would have to drive up to Lees Summit, KC, Springfield, or like St. Louis. I know you guys are always on the road, so I don’t know that a ‘road trip’ is what you’re interested in...” I trailed off.

I couldn’t really think straight, the thoughts were still fresh in my mind. Another thought popped into my head, and I spoke without thinking.

“Ashley.” I looked over at him. “You just met a few days ago. Why is it you invited me to your house? Do you want me to be one of the girls that just hops into your bed and onto your dick? Because honestly, I could be-- I could jump right into your bed and have sex with you, but it would just be meaningless sex. Sure, you’re pretty fucking handsome. But at the end of the day, I’ve only known you mere days; you can’t have an emotional connection with someone you haven’t know that long. The sex would only be skin deep. So what’s the pleasure in that? I’m not trying to be vulgar or hurtful here, but I’m wondering…what are you expecting from me?”

I shocked myself with what the words that came out of my mouth…

We sat in silence for awhile before he finally replied.

“Crystal…to be completely honest with you…having a different girl, or girls, in my bed every night is fun. But I’m so tired of my life just being ‘skin deep’. I’ve been using sex and 5 second orgasms to hide the fact that I’m not fucking happy with my life. I have a huge house, an apartment in Hollywood, a nice car, and so much money to blow…but who do I have to share it with? Not a damn person. I mean, I have the guys, but they all have their own lives and shit.”

He finished speaking and just sat there, starring down at his hands.

“I just want to find happiness, and I have no fucking idea how-- I’m lost. So I drink, I party. I sleep with every girl I can get my hands on. For so long that was who I was, and what I thought I wanted. But it was just a big lie. I saw you walking towards me the day at the mall, and I couldn’t help but think about how beautiful you were. But when you spoke I knew you weren’t just another brainless chick. There’s just something different about you. I just enjoyed your company so much; I wanted you around me for as long as possible. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about having sex with you, but my brain is just so used to thinking that way. I just want to get to know you. That’s really the main thing.”

He was looking at me with an honest smile. I just scooted closer to him and hugged him. It was nice having a deep talk with him, even if I hadn’t intended it but spoke mindlessly. The realization that the next time I saw Andy it would probably be so extremely awkward, hit me, and it hit me hard. I cannot stand awkward situations, so I decided I would go talk to him to try and work things out. After all, I would most likely be spending a lot of time over here.

I pulled myself to my feet and dragged myself up the stairs. I knocked on the door once again awaiting a signal to enter. I stood in front of the closed door for a few minutes, but there was no response. I heard no movement inside, so I decided to slowly enter. Andy wasn’t in his room, but the bathroom door was still closed. I stood a few steps away from the bathroom door, trying to decide if I should see if he was okay, or just give him some space.

“Andy?” My heart made the decision on its own and talked my feet into going along with it.

I heard the shower turn off and the sound of the shower door opening soon after. Thank God he was just taking a shower. I thought he could’ve been fucking dead. I hoped he wasn’t hurt or mad at himself for kissing me.

“Hey. I just...uh…decided to hop in the shower really quick. I remembered I have reservations at a fancy restaurant in Kansas City, tonight.” He shrugged. I could tell he was just trying to play off the whole thing; act like the kiss never happened. Ouch.

He fully opened the bathroom door, and had only a towel wrapped around his lower half. OH. Nice.

He walked out and into the bedroom, holding the towel up.

“I’ll go so you can get dressed. Should I uh…go home? I don’t wanna get in the way of your plans.” I just stood there, staring off into space.

I was too far into the depths of my horrid thoughts to focus on being hurt. After all, I’d known him only a few days. He couldn’t care about how his actions hurt me or didn’t hurt me. He’s a big star…I’m not shit. I’m nothing…just nothing.

Most people would be getting hurt at this point, but me: I no longer have the ability to get hurt. Because when you don’t give a fuck about life, or anything in life, you can’t get hurt. I’m an emotionless human being. I simply exist amongst other humans; I don’t live. I don’t get close to anyone anymore--I’m far too fucked up. I’ll just fuck their lives up and bring them down, because that’s what I do best; fuck things up.

I could feel tears welling up in the corners of my light blue eyes. What the fuck is happening to me!?! I had to leave, I had to get away. I looked up at Andy who was searching through a drawer, still holding the towel. Something inside of me took over, and I turned and fled. I was in the hallway when I faintly heard Andy reply:

“No. Having one more person attending won’t hurt a thing. It’d be better if you were there... Crystal?” He must’ve turned and seen I wasn’t standing in his room anymore.


I was halfway down the stairs when I heard him calling for me once again. I didn’t care though. I was running away from feeling--I can’t be stopped now. I peered down, searching around for Ashley with my eyes; I didn’t want to be stopped or asked any questions. He wasn’t anywhere in sight so I picked up my pace. I clung onto my bag and made it across the kitchen and out the front door.

Once out the front door I started running as fast as I could. I sprinted through the yard and to my car. I didn’t care about anything but running away. Everything was becoming a blur. I was slowly fading away from reality as I pushed the key into the ignition. I hadn’t felt this since what happened with Andy the first time…

What can I say, my mind is a fucked up place. There’s really no hiding that fact; it’s who I am. Sure, I beat what was trying to kill me, but only barely. It took so much of me that I’m barely here. What’s the point of even going on if I’m never going to have anyone? I always push people away.

I came back to reality and noticed the tears streaming down my face. I touched the warm droplets in disbelief. What were these things slowly rolling down my cheek? Why are they returning to haunt me once again…

Notes

BAM! And things get fucked up again! What's going to happen when Andy realizes Crystal ran the fuck away? What's going to happen when Crystal goes to see Nickolas?? Tell me your thoughts!