six feet under the stars

I slipped my hand into Andy's as we walked down the street. Cold had hugged me so tight it was a unsettling. It reminded me of new york. The one place I wished I never remembered. Wendy talks about how when Christmas comes we all are gonna go see The city Lights. They weren't magical. I remember them because Justin was the first to show me what they looked like compared to stars.
Andy's hand tightened and drew me closer to him shaking My thoughts away. His day time eyes contrasted so much with fading sky. It was intoxicatingly beautiful. I brought my hand up to his cheek. It was a terrible habit of mine that I touch beautiful things. It had me kicked out of art museums and movies and lost me boyfriends but this was like a new experience. No one says no. No one says its wrong. In fact with the thousands of people rushing home in the prethanksgiving rush no one even noticed us.

I laughed as the memory from the balcony came back. I never understood before why she laughed at nothing but now I see she laughs at how no one notices someone falling apart. Andy looked a bit disturbed but he took my hand and brought me closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered "i do believe that the cold is getting to you." He dragged me to the small coffee shop across the street. Hawaii brew. As you step in you can smell pineapple coffee. The strange concoction that put this place on the map.

we sat in the silence of the shop watching the world go by. I relaxed a little and thought about how dad and I sat on the balcony and made up stories for who ever passed. When I go back I'll have to do that with him again. That's when it hit me. The tears started to stream. My father was gone. Buried by now. No kid of his loved him in the end. We all left. Drugs. Love. And force. Did he bring it on himself or did we all just blame him. I remembered the photo of Justin and I burning. All of the pictures my father had with me had burned. If I wasn't careful I could forget that they all are gone. My mother in an institution. My brother who knows where doing who knows what new drug. My father six feet down. My younger whatever gone for good. And wendy seemed the farthest away.
Andy was with me in a moment I opened the coffee lid and pulled out the ring of pine apple. I whispered "my father would have loved this place. My brother would have ordered the most obscure thing on the menu and my mother would have loved the twinkle lights." That was the reason we had so many in our room we hoped mom would come back. She never did. Never would. Never could. She didn't want to. I remember the words on the wall she painted all those years ago. "Sometimes when we sleep we see whats really there."

Tears wouldn't stop running. I wouldn't want them to any way.

Notes