Razer blades and pencils

I was laying in my bed on my back holding one of my razor blades al the cuts i had before jasmine had healed my arms where scared really bad and they hurt when something touched them so I had ben whirring short selves so i have stayed din my room i even asked the guys to leave me alone well it went more like this

--time shift 3 days earlier--

we where in my room and Andy was asking way to much qustions about my cutting and Jasmine and my depression and i was tired and things happen.
"so when did you know you had depression" Andy asked
"I found out at nine but my mom said I got it around 5" I said drawing a picture of the mask from wretched and divine
"could you tell you had it" Andy questioned
"I don't know" I respond
"dose it bother you like do you feel it" Andy asked
"all the time 24/7" I said softly not wanting to admit it
'is that why you cut" he asked
"no" I said it really wosent i can handle the depressions its just everything else stacked on tope of that is to hard
"do your friends know it" he asked poking and prodding me
"I don't know maybe" I said getting up set
"what doe you use when you cut" he asked
"like I would disclose that information"I said felling my ears heat up
"when do you cut" he asked
"still not telling" my heart rate began to pick up the pace
"do you cut in here or like where" he asked
"nope" my breath became heavier
"what dose that mean" he asked
i could not take it any longer i was tired and i hated being investigated thats why the therapy dose not work they ask to manny questions I just had to let it out
"really is it so important you must ask so manny questions" I said standing up
"must it be at this time and all at once do you really need to know this stuff i mean i know you want to help and its because you car about me but really sometimes asking these kinds of things is not okay if i want to tell you something about my cutting or my depression i will share it do not ask these kinds of things because honestly you don't need to know them hint its y cutting my depression you her the word my these things are my life and i don't like you getting this far in my life i have limits you know and these limits i have you have broke and i don't like it you need to stop and you know don't you have better things to do then spend every signal day with some fan i like it all but i can only spend so much time with some one because i am not a people person i would much rather be by myself then with you but not all the time i like being with you but this this is to much i need my space i need me time and i am not getting enough of that lately and that makes me really mad because in my me time and sit my self down and resolve my anger form the day throw meditation and i need to be doing that at least once a week or i get mad and i just cant take it any more you need to just leave me alone for minter just leave me alone dam-it!!" I said my voice getting louder with each sentence I was then standing inches form his face
"okay im sorry" he said I turned around form him and sat down on my bed and barred my hands in my hands
"its okay chriss-"
"no just stop just leave plz just go away' I said not wanting to here what he had to say I herd him leave

--persent time--

my phone beeped it was andy again I dint even look at it he had ben texting me for the past 3 days but i have not replied to any of them really I have not talked to raven or Kendra school was on fall break and i really had spent most of the time in my room wallowing in my sorrow and rage I had not cut but that could change in the next few minuets I thought about ending it i really did and I could i had never cut that deep my cuts where uslley really small they barley bleed but i could if i really wanted to
but did i want to i looked at my walls and for the first time they failed me looking at them made me angry because it remind me of how incense active Andy had ben it discussed me that he would do that i turned the blade in my hand felling its cold metal on my skin my phone beeped again this time i looked at it
"come on chrissy i am sorry plz talk to me"Any
"are you okay"Raven
I sent the link to the music video for the song I'm not okay by my chemical romance to raven
"so no?" she asked I did not reply I thought if i did end it if I did commit suicide I would fill up a bath top and cut the artier in my legs and wrist then I would play black veil brides as I bleed to death in the warm water it would be slow and peaceful and for the last minuets of my life i could just forget about every thing I could do it what was stoping me my phone beeped
"i'm about ready to show up at your door" Andy
i put my phone on slilent i thought about sucide some more I wonderd how long would it take I figuerd with me bleeding from 4 places not that long but i aslo wonderd how this would afect my loved ones I knew my sisters would die what if one of them found me my parents would break down what about my teachers maybe then those kids would feel me I wanted to do it that would show those people what happens when you bully but what about the guys well i was just a fan just a girl they would move on with there life i was just a small pit stop on there road to victory
but what if they really did car about me my phone vibrated
but i did not look at it a few trees ran down my face and to my ears I sat up and held my blade agents my arm my wrist but i just held it there I thought how deep do i want this do I want to do it across the street and live or down the road and die i lifted the blade then i cut i pushed down hard but not enough to get sent to the ER
1...,2...,3...,4...,5..,6,..7..,8..,9,..10..,20..,27,..35...,46
I looked down at the blood I ran my hand down it smearing the blood then i liked my hand and tasted the salty taste of the blood i cleaned up my arm then cut some more going all the way to 60 cuts on one arm i was covered in blood it got every where I was about to start on my other arm when some one walked into my room
"chrissy what what are you doing oh my god" I looked up and saw the guys oh shite I droped my blade and stood up I frose in fear i had know idea what to do or think same went for them but they relised what to do sooner then I did Andy sat me down and looked at my wounds he knew they werent life threating and that I did not need a doctor
I started to cry I don't know why Ashely and jinxx found where I kept my first aid I always thought if your going to self harm you have to know how to take car of the wounds I even learned how to give my self stitches i have never needed to do that Ashely warped my arm they didn't ask any questions with I was grateful for I really didn't want to talk about it I had never had any one walk in on me cutting and i did not like it i felt exposed and i just hated it i hated them being there i hated them seeing me like that but on the other hand I was grateful to have them there i really needed some one to talk to my friends and parents could not see it but i was falling apart at the simes i was coming undone.
after a few minutes I stopped crying and I just sat in Andy's warm embrace I knew I would have to explain at that point I was just waiting for one of them to ask.
"are you okay now"Andy asked I nodded
"do you want to talk about it" he asked
I was turn because I did want to talk about it because I needed help but I did not know how to ask. so I just nodded
"what is it you want to talk about" he asked I really didn't have an answer yet so I decided to just stick with the truth
"all I know is that I need help but I don't know how to ask for it" I said looking down I could not bare to look at them
"whats bothering you"Jake asked I didn't know where to start there where so manny things
I knew the words in my head but I just could not transfer them to real words I just wished talking was as easy as drawing I was struggling to find the words
"oh wait you got that look oh yup I know what it is your in love" CC said
"what are you talking about" I asked looking at him
"oh yeah I see it to" Andy said
"what the hell are you talking about" I asked
"you have a crush on someone and its bothering you we can tell that because you got that look in your eyes" CC said
I was supper lost and they could see right throw me
"so whats his name"Andy asked
"keagen he is team caption of the lacrosse team" I said
"have you talked to him" CC asked
"yeah we have a few classes together but why would a guy like him like a girl like me" I asked
"what the hell os that supposed to me a guy like him your the same kind of person i mean your both human no stereotypes should keep you form making a move on him labels don't belong in the world of love"Andy said loudly
I thought about it we where really close i guess I had a shot we will have to see when school starts agien

Notes

so this is kinda long oh well i like where this is going and tbh there is a guy i like his name is keagen lindbloom but he plays soccor but i think lacrose is better so yeah but me and keagan dont go to the same school any more and we where never close we nver ecevn exchandeg words