Wretchedly Divine (Gasping for Air)

I didn’t understand why. Why me? Why this? Why?

I felt broken, and weak, and violated, but I wasn’t so broken down that I would let them know I was broken. I kept it buried deep inside me, the brokenness. I refused to let go of the hope that Jacob would see light, and that Kronus would die a fiery painful death. Maybe a fire caused by Jacob’s light, who knows.

I was doing that a lot, I noticed, going off on nothingness. My attention span is amazingly smaller than it once was. I can’t focus though, if I focus I usually end up remembering, and I’d really rather forget than remember.

I stared at the ceiling, waiting, knowing that they’d be there soon, at the door, with their thick soled boots, ready to do it again.

I had lost count of how many times it had happened. I’d started blocking out the encounters, focusing on other things, not letting what was happening register in my mind until they forced me into a shower and then… then I knew what had happened. I’d become quite adept at tuning out the pain, and the misery, and the feeling of brokenness and betrayal, but it was always there, no matter what, like the darkness. Maybe the light takes it away temporarily, but it will always return, because light doesn’t last forever.

Had I not known why there were doing it it probably would’ve driven me crazy, being repeatedly raped, but I knew what their goal was, and it was that that I fought against. I was too weak to fight against their actions, but I could fight against their intentions, I could fight their goal, I could fight the broken feeling, or at the very least I could hide it very well. Hiding my true emotions was something I was quite good at, having had years of practice. They underestimated me. I wouldn’t let them break me on the outside. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

“Ashley, honey.” I heard Kronus over the loud speaker in my isolation room. “Do you want to tell us about The Prophet?”

I said nothing. I always said nothing. They asked this question every day before they came in, every day after the first time. They may have only asked the question a few times, or a hundred, it all blurred together, and I didn’t even know.

I would’ve counted the seconds, I used to count the seconds that it took for one of them to enter, but counting made me anxious, so instead I continued to stare at the ceiling and continued to tune out the encounter.

When the door creaked open I was already far away from the room, and from the impending pain. I was off in a world that I had created for myself in desperation, a world that was much more comfortable.

As the pain began, whether by a knife in my flesh or the ultimate violation, I felt nothing, yes I felt the pain, and I screamed, but my mind wasn’t acknowledging the pain. I was far away, somewhere where there was color and happiness, somewhere among the Legion, beside The Prophet. There had never been an exact location for this extreme fantasy world. It wasn’t a physical world, it was an emotional one, a world that existed not in image or word, but thought and feeling, a world that felt real, but didn’t look real, a world that wouldn’t give me away to them should anything slip. This world was contentment and lack of pain and belonging. It was the knowledge and security that I was among people who understand.
In this little world that I created for myself I was secure and safe, and always, always, left with a single phrase that made the pain and the misery worth suffering through, and worth fighting against. Every time I entered this world my mind gifted my with a merciful hallucination of the one and only person I could trust, the only being in the world that meant anything to me anymore.

The Prophet.

I am here for you, Ashtin. Do not lose hope.

ANDY’S POV
I’d been watching them rape her for a month. A month of knowing that she was in pain because of me, and my mistakes. I Could barely contain the disgust and horror at the knowledge that she was keeping quiet, enduring this pain, for my sake, and the sake of the Wild Ones. It disgusted me to think that anyone ever questioned her, or her potential to be a leader. If they knew what she was going through right now, for them, they’d think twice before saying anything like that. I tried to console her as best I could, to assure her that we’d come for her as soon as we found out where they were fucking hiding, but she barely ever listened to what I had to say.

Usually she ran off into her adorable little dream world where I wasn’t her betrayer, and she was content to stand beside me in a figurative sense. The world she created was a lot like her dreams. All colors and feelings, no pictures no words, just animated nothings that made her happy. I was glad that she had this world to go to, that she had an escape. I didn’t think I’d be able to live with myself knowing the sort of pain she’s been through, and that she could remember it all in perfect detail. For her everything just blurred together, and meant nothing. When she came back to reality she always knew what had happened, she just didn’t remember it in any detail.

I fell into my trance, and grabbed onto the connection easily, since she was already in her little dream world. I knew she registered my presence, so I spoke to her softly, keeping her in her dream.

“I am here for you, Ashtin. Do not lose hope.” I said softly, I felt her happiness in her dream world, but knew that on the outside she was blank unless she was screaming. I left her dream world, careful not to disturb her, and looked through her eyes at what was going on in the real world.

“You stupid bitch, just laying there and taking it, it’s almost like you like being fucked like the whore you are.”

It was Kronus, again. It was almost always Kronus now, but sometimes it was Jacob, and I knew those times were the hardest for her. My blood boiled with anger just thinking about the way he willingly betrayed her and hurt her not once or twice, but an uncountable number of times. She had been a fool to ever trust him, but if I hadn’t disappeared maybe she wouldn’t have had to. After I left her she had no one to lean on, if I’d just gone back maybe I could’ve spared her.

Kronus spit on her, and I felt my anger nearly break my trance. “Dumb bitch.” He growled at her. “If you’d just tell us where your friends are you’d be out of this mess, happily living among the other rebels. It’s official then, you must enjoy being raped.” He took her face in one of his hands and forced her head to face him, but her eyes were unseeing. “Listen to me you bitch!” He yelled at her, and I’d had enough. I couldn’t contain it anymore. Without thinking I did something I promised my mother I’d never do. I pushed her consciousness out of her body and took over her.

Suddenly rather than just knowing the pain was there I was feeling it, and I would never be able to forget it. It was excrutiating. I looked Kronus dead in the eyes and with high pitched voice that threw me off (I wasn’t in my body anymore) I spoke to him.

“The Prophet is dead, and the rebels cannot be found.”

“So she speaks.” He said, stopping his motions. I watched him through the eyes that I now controlled and prayed that Ashtin stayed in her dream world. It was close enough to a trance state to allow this, but if she came out before I got back into my body she’d never be able to get back into it. She could only do it while distressed.

“You’ll be sorry Kronus. They’re coming for me, and when they do, you will be the first to die.”

He grinned evilly. “Fiesty words for someone on the bottom of the food chain. Get on your knees bitch.” He wrenched her hair and forced me onto the floor. Her knees hit first, sending painful shocks all the way up my legs, but I refused to give him the pleasure of knowing he’d just increased her pain. I was very temped to leave her body and let her deal with this, but I couldn’t make myself put her through this. I had caused this too. This further violation was because I had to open my angry temperamental mouth, and now she was going to have to pay for it. Why couldn’t I just learn to let things go?

He pinched her nose, and no matter how much I struggled I couldn’t get out of the grip, to the point that when I finally gasped for air he shoved himself inside her mouth.

I was disgusted, and I found a new sympathy for Ashtin, a new pride in her strength, and a new anger for Kronus and his Rebels. I wanted so badly to just try and bite his fucking dick, but he was holding her jaw in a way that wouldn’t allow me to move it. I slipped back towards her consciousness, and was relieved to find her still in a trance state, not having noticed the sudden switch of bodies, and if she hadn’t noticed by now I doubted she would unless she was startled, but I’d made sure everyone knew not to disturb me for any reason in the last month while I was in the white room. Standing by Ashtin was too important to risk slipping up.

As he continued to fuck her mouth, even though it wasn’t my body I felt dirty and violated, and angry. I wanted more than anything to rip his dick off and shove it straight down his throat, see how he likes that, but I couldn’t even move. Her hands were tied behind her back, she was weak from lack of food, she was completely helpless. I promised myself then that as soon as we found her I’d never let anything like this happen to her again. I’d never let her be this helpless, I’d never make her suffer because of some stupid mistake I made.

His motions became more erratic and he started to grunt and I felt myself gag, knowing exactly what was coming, no pun intended.

As he spilled himself inside her mouth and held her nose so I’d be forced to swallow I wanted nothing more than to kill him.

“I guess you’ll think twice before you say something next time, but hey, at least now I know you have something to say.” He looked down at her with an evil glint in his eyes. “I was starting to think you didn’t know anything, but it looks like you know quite a lot. Prepare yourself, precious, I’m bringing the knife tomorrow.”

He let go of her head and forced her onto her back before fixing his pants and walking out the door so Jacob could come and take her to shower. I quickly pushed myself back into my own body, and she came to almost as soon as Jacob grabbed her hair. She hadn’t even realized anything had happened, she was too lost in her own trance to realize what was going on, and for that I was glad. I’d just fucked up some more. Now he thinks she has something to say, and is going to try harder to make her say it. Why am I such a fuck up?

I came out of my trance and stood, staring at the wall. For how long, I couldn’t be quite sure. When there was finally a knock on the door that was too soft to have brought me out of a trance, but loud enough to be heard if I wasn’t in one I stood. I went to the door, a newfound brokenness in my heart. I’d just been raped, I felt like this after one incident, and Ashtin was going through this every day. She had experienced this countless times, and it was her body. I left her body, and now inhabited a body that hadn’t been violated. I didn’t have to live with the pain or the bruises or the aftermath. I only had the emotional trauma, and I was about to fall apart, because Ashtin went through this every day to keep all of us safe. She didn’t know where we were, but she knew more than they did, and if she told them everything she knew they’d have more than enough information to completely destroy us once they found us. She knew how we got places, she knew the weapons we had, she knew the general layout of the compound. She was going through hell and more to keep us safe.

“We have to get her out of there.” I said to myself before opening the door. Standing there was a grinning Ashley.

“We found them.”

“That is music to my ears.” I said softly, pushing my hair out of my face. “Convene the Legion, we enact Operation Retrieval as soon as possible.”

“Yes sir.” He said with a mock salute before going to find the rest of the Legion.

“I’m coming for you Ashtin.” I said angrily. “They won’t hurt you anymore.”

I went straight to the meeting room, ready to start making a plan. I’d have her here and safe by tomorrow night if I had to go and get her myself. That much I was positive of.

Notes

Two Updates in one Day!!! Whoo hoo!!

Okay, so down to the serious shiz. The next chapter is up to you guys. I can write the break out scene where they finally go and find her, and all the action happens, but honestly it'll just be a lot of deaths of people you don't know, mostly teens, and I'm shit at action scenes, so it won't even be all that well written, or I can skip from their little "We found her!!!!" Moment straight to the action and incorporate the story of how they came and got her into the chapters that follow by way of Andy telling Ashtin what happened. I don't have a problem with writing out the whole action scene, but I'll be blunt, I sort of don't want to, and I'm hoping someone will say "Oh, it's alright, don't worry about writing something you don't want to write" and let me skip to the good parts, which is Ashtin and Andy, Ashtin and Andy, and more Ashtin and Andy, and of course some Patrick, but we'll get there when we get there ^-^ Love triangles woot woot!!!

Anyway, thanks for reading, ^-^
Ashtin ♥