Forgive me.
I can't do it anymore.
Faiths pov
I laid in bed and I kept thinking. They look exactly the same as they do in photos. Rosie snuggles into me more and I feel her body heat radiating.
It's 10:37.
I can hear the fan clicking, I can smell and hear the rain pouring. You would think I would sleep safe and sound right now. Ya know, in a warm bed, in my favourite bands house, with my child snuggling up against me. But I swear I have never been more awake in my entire life. A deep sense of calm overtakes every last inch of tension in my body, it's like I was breathing out the anxiety and breathing in the stillness. I have never felt like this before. Maybe when I was little, when the world was sane, and my mom was still alive, when anxiety didn't exist and depression was just a big word. But now the world is thousands of red lines and hundreds of nights crying and hitting walls and in middle of it all is one child. I look down at her and I start to cry. Tears sliding down my face, like they have millions of times before. I hear the door opening and I look up to see jake. "Can I talk to you?" He mouths silently, I nod and gently ease Rosie off me and get off the bed. We walk out to the loungeroom and I see jinxx on the couch. Fuck. "Hey faith." I smile back a little, words failing me. "Sit down." I don't know who said what, I was suddenly overwhelmed with fear that I honestly didn't give a damn. I sat down and instantly my leg started shaking, and I began to knead with my hands. I look down and shake my head, quietly mumbling "what do you want" Jake sighs and shuffles over to me, putting a finger to my chin, making me look at him right in the eyes. I tremble a little and I think my lip is shaking.. "Look we have our own little happy group. Jinxx and I get a little pissed whenever something fucks it up. You better be telling the truth. Otherwise you're fucked." Suddenly I snapped. "Listen here. You don't believe me? Fucking good. I don't give a fuck anyway. But my child and I need this. She. Needs this. And she doesn't need some hotshot like you doubting her and making her second guess herself and her own mother." I storm back to the room. I pack everything I own and gently pick up Rosie. I walk out of the house without so much of a goodbye. I figured I had enough money for one night at a shitty hotel. I wasn't calm anymore. Anger radiated through me, from my arms to my fists to my fingertips. I finally find a hotel and check in. I tuck Rosie into her bed and dump the bag. I run into the bathroom and I drop. Every ounce of strength is lost within me. I start to tremble and shake. Burning tears stream down my face and I hold onto myself with my arms. I clench my jaw and try not to scream. Everything inside me told me to. But I couldn't. She would wake up. It felt as if my heart and lungs were being ripped out through my throat. My mind crashed. All amount of common sense and rational feeling was gone. Eventually I have up and screamed, sobbing. There is nothing in my life that I have total control over. I don't know if I'm going to be alive tomorrow, or if my beautiful Rosie will be. I found my blade and let loose. 1, 2,3,4 all the way to a hundred. Up and down my body, up my thigh onto my waist and stomach. I just needed some control. Some knowing on what's going to happen in the future. Blood dripped down my body onto the floor. I was going to be alive tomorrow. But barely. My vision became clouded when I saw the bathroom door open.
Ccs pov.
I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. Who the fuck would be calling at this hour.. I get up, half naked and walk to the damn loungeroom. "Hello?" A little voice emitted from the speaker, I hear crying and panicking "Uncey CC! Mommys dying! She won't get up!" More sobbing. "Okay okay.. What hotel and what room are you in darling and uncle will fix it okay." She told me and I woke up andy and Ashley. "Guys faiths hurt herself. Rosie's saying there's a lot of blood and she won't get up." They all instantly snapped awake and got clothes on. They got in the car and drove to the hotel. We barged in earning a look from the reception lady and ran to the door. "Rosie sweety is CC, unlock the door ok?"
"Okay!" I hear a click and I turn the door. Faith is laying on the bathroom floor, her head turning upwards so her neck is exposed, her eyes are half open, her body is ridden with cuts and gashes. I hear gurgling. Andy screams. "SHE IS CHOKING ON BLOOD QUICK TURN HER OVER." We all bolt to her and adjust her, suddenly there is a huge wave of vomit and blood. Coughing and spluttering filled the midnight air. Andy and Ashley lifted her up and walked out, getting her to the hospital. "MOMMY!" Rosie's screams and cries were deafening and made my blood boil. I grabbed her and held her close "Rosie I know this is hard but listen to me, right now you need to be a big girl." She nods, sniffling, her fingers in her mouth, and quickly drops them and wipes them on her jumper. "Okay baby, mommy is sick. Because she's a little sad, now she hasn't been sick for a long time because you have always made her feel better. She's going to hospital and they're going to bandage her up so everything's okay. Us boys might have to take care of you for a bit ok?" She nods. "This is all jakes fault." What... Did he do... "What happened?" She looks up, angry. "He told her she better be telling the truth or she's fucked." I felt like a stumbled back a bit at the bad word. But then I register it. he threatened her. I picked her up and started walking back to the house, it's not too far. And all common sense within me was gone.
I laid in bed and I kept thinking. They look exactly the same as they do in photos. Rosie snuggles into me more and I feel her body heat radiating.
It's 10:37.
I can hear the fan clicking, I can smell and hear the rain pouring. You would think I would sleep safe and sound right now. Ya know, in a warm bed, in my favourite bands house, with my child snuggling up against me. But I swear I have never been more awake in my entire life. A deep sense of calm overtakes every last inch of tension in my body, it's like I was breathing out the anxiety and breathing in the stillness. I have never felt like this before. Maybe when I was little, when the world was sane, and my mom was still alive, when anxiety didn't exist and depression was just a big word. But now the world is thousands of red lines and hundreds of nights crying and hitting walls and in middle of it all is one child. I look down at her and I start to cry. Tears sliding down my face, like they have millions of times before. I hear the door opening and I look up to see jake. "Can I talk to you?" He mouths silently, I nod and gently ease Rosie off me and get off the bed. We walk out to the loungeroom and I see jinxx on the couch. Fuck. "Hey faith." I smile back a little, words failing me. "Sit down." I don't know who said what, I was suddenly overwhelmed with fear that I honestly didn't give a damn. I sat down and instantly my leg started shaking, and I began to knead with my hands. I look down and shake my head, quietly mumbling "what do you want" Jake sighs and shuffles over to me, putting a finger to my chin, making me look at him right in the eyes. I tremble a little and I think my lip is shaking.. "Look we have our own little happy group. Jinxx and I get a little pissed whenever something fucks it up. You better be telling the truth. Otherwise you're fucked." Suddenly I snapped. "Listen here. You don't believe me? Fucking good. I don't give a fuck anyway. But my child and I need this. She. Needs this. And she doesn't need some hotshot like you doubting her and making her second guess herself and her own mother." I storm back to the room. I pack everything I own and gently pick up Rosie. I walk out of the house without so much of a goodbye. I figured I had enough money for one night at a shitty hotel. I wasn't calm anymore. Anger radiated through me, from my arms to my fists to my fingertips. I finally find a hotel and check in. I tuck Rosie into her bed and dump the bag. I run into the bathroom and I drop. Every ounce of strength is lost within me. I start to tremble and shake. Burning tears stream down my face and I hold onto myself with my arms. I clench my jaw and try not to scream. Everything inside me told me to. But I couldn't. She would wake up. It felt as if my heart and lungs were being ripped out through my throat. My mind crashed. All amount of common sense and rational feeling was gone. Eventually I have up and screamed, sobbing. There is nothing in my life that I have total control over. I don't know if I'm going to be alive tomorrow, or if my beautiful Rosie will be. I found my blade and let loose. 1, 2,3,4 all the way to a hundred. Up and down my body, up my thigh onto my waist and stomach. I just needed some control. Some knowing on what's going to happen in the future. Blood dripped down my body onto the floor. I was going to be alive tomorrow. But barely. My vision became clouded when I saw the bathroom door open.
Ccs pov.
I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. Who the fuck would be calling at this hour.. I get up, half naked and walk to the damn loungeroom. "Hello?" A little voice emitted from the speaker, I hear crying and panicking "Uncey CC! Mommys dying! She won't get up!" More sobbing. "Okay okay.. What hotel and what room are you in darling and uncle will fix it okay." She told me and I woke up andy and Ashley. "Guys faiths hurt herself. Rosie's saying there's a lot of blood and she won't get up." They all instantly snapped awake and got clothes on. They got in the car and drove to the hotel. We barged in earning a look from the reception lady and ran to the door. "Rosie sweety is CC, unlock the door ok?"
"Okay!" I hear a click and I turn the door. Faith is laying on the bathroom floor, her head turning upwards so her neck is exposed, her eyes are half open, her body is ridden with cuts and gashes. I hear gurgling. Andy screams. "SHE IS CHOKING ON BLOOD QUICK TURN HER OVER." We all bolt to her and adjust her, suddenly there is a huge wave of vomit and blood. Coughing and spluttering filled the midnight air. Andy and Ashley lifted her up and walked out, getting her to the hospital. "MOMMY!" Rosie's screams and cries were deafening and made my blood boil. I grabbed her and held her close "Rosie I know this is hard but listen to me, right now you need to be a big girl." She nods, sniffling, her fingers in her mouth, and quickly drops them and wipes them on her jumper. "Okay baby, mommy is sick. Because she's a little sad, now she hasn't been sick for a long time because you have always made her feel better. She's going to hospital and they're going to bandage her up so everything's okay. Us boys might have to take care of you for a bit ok?" She nods. "This is all jakes fault." What... Did he do... "What happened?" She looks up, angry. "He told her she better be telling the truth or she's fucked." I felt like a stumbled back a bit at the bad word. But then I register it. he threatened her. I picked her up and started walking back to the house, it's not too far. And all common sense within me was gone.
Notes
Okay right now I am developing a sense of dislike for jakes character .-. Oh my. Comment on things I should fix up or improve on. Love you all xxx
So cute how she refers to her as munchkin *u*
11/4/14