Won't Amount to Much

I ran to my room and slammed the door. I grabbed my phone, turned on Saviour full blast, and curled into a ball. I needed to just disappear. I listened to Andy's voice as the tears fell from my face. I needed a saviour. A saviour was the only way I could get through this again. He was back.
Blake ruined my life freshman year. I had come into high school, thinking it would be the time of my life. I was going to get a boyfriend, become cool. Day one in high school wasn't all that great, but day two I met Blake. He was a senior at the time, he was 'cool.' Guitarist and lead singer of his band, Standing Waters. The bad boy every girl occasionally had a fantasy about. And on that day in P.E. Blake decided I was cool enough for him. He started to talk to me, made me feel accepted by him and his friends. Before him I had only had Mara. Blake invited me to all these really cool parties, just as friends at first. I thought he was cool, and I thought he liked me.

On the night of his nineteenth birthday (he had been held back a year), he asked me out on a date. It was a real date, and I was excited. This guy had taken an interest in me, and wanted to go out on a date with me, how could I say no? Throughout the time when I was hanging out with Blake, I grew away from those I had been close to before. Mara did have other friends beside me, but she still tried to get me to hang out with her. She would invite me over, but I was always to busy at a party with Blake. While I was hanging out with him, I thought he was showing me the world. He gave me my first drink of alcohol, my first cigarette, my first smoke of weed. I never had time for my mom, and she would always wait up for me, even when I came home at two in the morning. I still remember the first time it happened.

~*~*~

“Darlene Abigail Collins! What in God's name do you think you are doing at this time? Do you know what time it is? It's two eleven in the morning!” she yelled.

“And?” I asked as I rolled my eyes.

“And? You did not just roll your eyes. So tell me where have you been?”

“At a party. Duh. I left you a note.” I said, a slight slurring in my words.

“Oh, I got the note. And don't mumble. Darlene, I- is that alcohol on your breath?” she asked as she took a few steps closer to me.

“Yeah. So?” I asked.

“Who were you with? Was it Mara? Are the Hills okay with their granddaughter behaving this way?”

“No, I was with Blake.”

“Who's Blake?”

“None of your business.”

“Darlene Abigail! I raised you better than this! I know I did.”

“You can't control everything, Mom.”

“No, but there are some things I can control. Such as your Internet access, your cell phone access, and your allowance. All of which, you will not be getting, except cell phone access. But only to call me.”

“You can't do this!” I yell at her.

“Oh, but I can. And I already did because I am your mom.”

“That's great, but can you tell me who my dad is?” I ask, thinking I have come back with the perfect thing to say.

“I can, but I don't think I will until you are old enough! Now go to bed!” she yelled as she pointed down the hall.

~*~*~

After that night she tried everything he could to keep me from going out, but I would always get out without her permission. I should have listened to her. Blake and I had our first date, but there wasn't much of anything happening. On our second date, he gave me a kiss before he dropped me off. On the third date we were at a party. He dragged me into a bedroom upstairs, and I thought maybe we would kiss some, probably talk some. But Blake had something different in mind.

It started off as a slow kiss, and slowly, I found his hands on my waist. I tried to push them away, but he whispered in my ear, “Just trust me,” and I did for a split second, but as I felt his hands find their way under my shirt, I lost the trust I had in him. I tried to squirm away, but he forcefully shoved me onto the bed. He quickly pulled my shirt over my head, and I tried screaming, but he just covered my mouth. Maybe to someone outside the door it sounded like he was trying to quiet my screams of pleasure, but I found no pleasure in what he was doing to me. I soon found myself exposed, the air was hitting my body at every angle as Blake kept me pinned beneath him. He pretended as if he owned my body as he forcefully took what was mine. Something I had been wanting to save for the one person I knew I loved.

As this terrible experience went on, Blake whispered in my ear how he loved me, how he knew I loved him, how I would thank him afterwards. But I couldn't. The tears were streaming down my face, and as soon as he finished what he had set out to do, I was running. I pulled my shorts on, and I didn't even have my shirt over my head before I was out the door.

I didn't know what to do, or where to run, but I was running. I went down the stairs, and out the door before I let another tear escape from my eyes. I kept running, barely even able to see where I was going. I found myself at a small park. I knew where this park was, thankfully. It was only a few blocks from my home. I soon enough found myself at home. My mom was in the kitchen, not expecting to have our normal lecture for another hour or two I suppose, but when she heard me come though the door, she started yelling how I was grounded and I wasn't supposed to be outside, but I didn't care. With the tears streaming down my face, I ran into her, and hugged her tight, the sobs racking through my body. My mom stopped what she was saying, and held onto me.

It took her a while, but she eventually got me to tell her what had happened that night. She did everything she could to make sure he was gone away for as long as she could possibly let happen, but yet here he was, free again.

Mara helped me through it all as well. She was there even though I had abandoned her.

She was the one who introduced me to Black Veil Brides, actually. Through all of it, I was criticized. People didn't get how I hadn't enjoyed a guy like Blake. Some people said I was making the whole thing up for attention, even though that was the last thing I wanted. I only wanted Blake to never harm me. I began to wonder if maybe the only way that would happen was if I made sure nobody could harm me like that again. I told that to Mara, but I never exactly said suicide. Mara knew that it as what I was thinking though, and I was. Then one day, she came over to my house. I was still considering ending my life, I had even picked a few options that seemed less painless. She played me the song “Saviour.” As I listened to Andy's deep voice, I felt a tear escape from my eye, and soon enough I was sobbing. Mara just gathered me in a hug and told me it would be alright, that she was there for me, and I think from there their music really did save my life. I became completely obsessed with their music, and with them. This obsession helped take my mind off of Blake sometimes, but not always.

I couldn't listen to their music while in school, and I was always paranoid. That's when the panic attacks and paranoia settled in. But eventually, with the help of my music and a bit of therapy, I got over that.

But now I fear that I will need their music more than ever to get me through this next week before school is out and I leave for Warped tour. I just hope I can get through this week, knowing that Blake is back.

Notes

Yay! Two chapters in one night! I hope you very few supposed readers enjoy this! Please leave me some feedback! I need to know what you guys think!