Intimate Secrets

When he awoke, Ash didn’t even bother trying to open his eyes against the blinding light he could sense outside them, his head was pounding so bad. He felt someone holding his hand and gently squeezed the hand in his to let them know he was awake, smiling a bit at the gasp he heard in return. Moments later, several pairs of feet came into wherever he was, and someone made the mistake of trying to pry his eye open and shine a tiny flashlight in it.

With a shriek of agony, he swatted the person’s hand away and covered his face, trying to block out any and all light that could make his head hurt even worse. The person who’d been holding his hand, whom he now realized was Jinxx as they spoke, was highly alarmed at his reaction, as he’d never seen him react so violently because his head hurt before.

Soon enough, the lights wherever his was were turned off entirely, and he was finally able to open his eyes. He saw Jinxx standing by his beside, as well as a doctor that he appeared to be arguing with, and several nurses standing in the background. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was in a hospital, but since he didn’t remember coming here on his own, he wanted to know how he’d gotten here and why he’d been brought here in the first place. Once the doctor and nurses left, the multi-instrumentalist took a seat beside him again, tears welling up in his deep blue eyes.

“My Godsmack, Ashley,” he said softly, sounding choked up. “We thought we were gonna lose you.”

“Huh? What do you me ‘lose me’?” Ash asked softly.

“When I went to wake you up so you could start getting ready for the show after I found you leaving your guts in the toilet, you had blood pouring out your ear,” Jinxx answered gravely. “Ash, that was two days ago. You’ve been in the hospital, basically comatose, for two days.”

“What? Why the fuck was I bleeding from my ear?” he asked in shock.

“The migraines you’ve been getting are so bad they made you start bleeding from your ear,” he answered. “That’s not good under normal circumstances, but with your pregnancy…”

“How’s my baby?” the bassist asked, his hands flying to rest on his belly protectively.

“The baby’s fine,” his friend answered. “In fact, they think that with your blood volume increasing to help with the increased demand put on your body by the baby combined with the migraines you’re getting is what caused you to start bleeding in the first place.”

Ash sighed in relief, knowing that his unborn child was doing just fine, despite what he’d unknowingly been through the past couple days.

“No, the guys don’t know about your pregnancy,” the multi-instrumentalist assured him. “The only thing I’ve relayed to them that the doctors told me was that your migraines were so bad that they increased the pressure in your head until he started bleeding out of your ear.”

“Thanks, Jinxx,” he sighed, closing his eyes again. “But what’s the mean for the tour?”

“Andy’s taking over bass for the next few months. Sammi’s taking you back home and making sure you get some rest,” Jinxx answered. “By the way, she’s the only one besides me and the doctors who knows. They said they wouldn’t release you until they knew for sure someone you knew and trusted, that knew your habits, would be with you to keep an eye on you.”

“At least she’s trustworthy,” the bassist said softly.

“You have no idea how bad I feel about having to tell her while you were unconscious and couldn’t give your permission,” he told him.

“Jinxx, it’s fine. If it was the only way I’d get released once I woke up, I’m fine with it,” he swore. “As long as Andy is oblivious, anyway.”

“Trust me, he’s as oblivious as it gets,” he chuckled.

“Then go get my brothers. I wanna see ’em one last time before I have to go home,” Ash told him.

Nodding, Jinxx rose and left the room for a few minutes, leaving him to think while he waited. If he’d known that, between the stress and increase in blood volume from his pregnancy, he’d wind up hospitalized for bleeding out of his ears, he never would’ve come on this tour. Especially not since it was resulting in his lover having to take over his role in the band, with the exception of backing vocals, which the multi-instrumentalist would be covering, and him being sent home to rest.

Course, he supposed getting extra rest was going to be a good thing, whether he was pregnant or not. Even before he’d gotten pregnant, he hadn’t been getting nearly enough rest because of the hectic schedule they kept. Still, he felt like he was letting his brothers and their fans down, especially the ones who didn’t know a thing about his surprise pregnancy. But he refused to open a gateway to hate comments and insults, most of which would probably be something along the lines of “fag” and “freak”, by announcing that he was pregnant to the world. That, and he didn’t want Andy to know yet, if at all.

A short time later, Jinxx came back into his room, the remainder of their quintet striding purposefully behind him. CC was the first to hug him, tears of joy streaming down his face as he did so, before he stepped aside for Jake and Andy to have their turn. He noticed how, in the midst of the cacophony that the guys created, his lover was the only one who didn’t say a word.

He paid it no mind and kept himself engaged with the rest of the band, who were ecstatic to know that he was okay and just needed to go home and get some rest. The baby of their group remained mute, as if he either had nothing to say, or just didn’t want to say it in front of the others. After a while, Jake took notice of this and called him out on it, which garnered a response none of them expected. Andy quietly asked if he could have a moment alone with him, something unidentifiable shining in his eyes, and the guys looked between the two of them for a moment. Nodding, Ash gave them permission to leave the room and the two of them alone, as he was curious about what he could possibly have to say that couldn’t be said in front of them.

“What’s up, Andy?” he asked after the door to his room was closed.

“Ash…you have no idea how terrified I was that we were going to lose you,” Andy started, having to stop because he was so choked up.

Wondering what was going on in the head behind those icy eyes, he kept his mouth shut and waited for him to continue.

“I know we’re close, but how you haven’t figured this out before is beyond me,” he said, chuckling slightly. It was humorless, but a chuckle, nonetheless. “I love you, Ashley. Thinking I was going to lose you made me decide that it was now or never.”

“Andy, don’t…just don’t,” Ash begged, tears welling in his own eyes. “I don’t want you professing any kind of love, brotherly or otherwise, just because you thought I was gonna die.”

Taken aback at the bassist’s words, the younger man’s mouth hung agape for a moment before he closed it and stood. “Fine, if that’s how you’re going to be, just remember…my feelings won’t change. I’ll be waiting whenever you’re ready to accept the truth. For now, I’ll see you once we come Stateside again. Enjoy your rest while you can get it.”

With that, he stormed out of the room without looking back, and that broke Ash’s heart more than if he’d admitted his own love for him and gotten turned down.


Upset that the love of his life had rejected his admission, Andy stormed back toward the waiting room, past the remainder of their quintet, and into the elevator. Jake barely had time to board it with him, and as he faced the button-covered panel, he barely saw Jinxx running down the hall toward Ashley’s room like his ass was on fire before the doors closed. Poor CC was left sitting there, confused and twiddling his thumbs, like a third, or more aptly, fifth wheel.

“Dude, what happened in there?” Jake asked once they were off hospital grounds where he could smoke.

“I was an idiot in giving him the benefit of the doubt on something,” he snapped, lighting a cancer stick. “I should’ve just kept my mouth shut, but nooo! What did I do? I went and opened the flood gates, only to have it blow up in my fucking face!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down and make some sense, Andy,” the guitarist said.

“I doubt you’ve figured it out, but there’s a reason why Juliet and I broke up,” Andy started, glancing at him from the corner of his eye.

“Well, obviously. There’s always a reason when a couple breaks up,” he agreed.

“I started falling for someone else and drifting away from her. She finally clued in and ended the relationship.” He paused for another drag.

“Who’d you end up falling for?”

“Ashley.”

Shocked, Jake said nothing for a moment as he tried to get his scrambled thoughts in order. “A-Ashley? So you’re gay?”

“Bisexual, at the least,” Andy corrected. “I still have a bit of an interest in women, but it’s not as strong as it used to be.”

“And what brought on this sudden change of heart?” he asked.

“About a month ago, when we couldn’t find him, I found him on the bus shortly after you guys left,” the frontman began. “We ended up getting drunk together; granted, he was already buzzing when I found him, but we ended up finishing off a bottle of Jack between the two of us.”

The guitarist continued to listen intently, not saying a word as he told his tale.

“Anyway, I swear I remember telling him that I loved him that night, that I wanted to be with only him,” he continued, lighting another smoke. “But I can’t remember exactly what we did. The fact that I woke up the next morning with a raw dick that was covered in blood suggests something more than just talking, but I haven’t been able to get him alone to ask.”

“And that’s if he even remembers that night, anyway,” Jake agreed, not mentioning the amount of detail he’d gone into.

“Exactly. When I asked if I could have a moment alone with him, it was so I could admit how I felt in a situation that both of us would remember,” Andy growled. “He turned me down and told me he didn’t want me saying something like that just because I thought he was gonna die.”

“I can understand that. He might’ve thought you weren’t serious if that was your reason for telling him such a thing,” he said sensibly.

“But that’s not what made me tell him, damn it!” the frontman cried.

“I get that, Andy. But you gotta see the situation from Ashley’s perspective, too,” he told him. “He might’ve thought your words were insincere when spoken right after he woke from a coma none of us thought he’d make it out of.”

“I guess,” he agreed reluctantly.

“Besides, he may not even love you like that, and that kind of admission could’ve startled him,” Jake continued. “He may need time to come to grips with what you told him if he only loves you like a brother.”

“You’re right, Jake. I guess I shouldn’t have let my emotions get the better of me,” Andy admitted, sighing heavily as he exhaled a drag. “Thanks for being my proverbial punching bag.”

“It’s no problem, bro. If I were you, I’d go talk to him, try to let him know that, even if he doesn’t feel the same way, it’s okay.”

Without another word, the guitarist turned back to the hospital to go see what CC was up to and how he was faring through all of this. Having seen Jinxx heading toward Ashley’s room as the elevator doors closed, he figured he’d let the multi-instrumentalist deal with him and finding out his side of the story. Only then would he admit that he knew how Andy felt, and maybe they could work together to get them to kiss and make up, so to speak.

Once Jake had left, the frontman sighed as he stubbed out his cigarette, but it took him a bit longer to go back inside and up to the waiting room. The love of his life had crushed him when he’d refused to listen to him, whatever his reasoning was, and it felt like a chunk had been ripped out of his heart. Unable to cope with the pain he’d caused, he pulled out his phone and dialed a number he’d doubted he ever would again: Juliet’s.

Thankfully, his ex-girlfriend answered the phone on the first ring, apparently sensing that he needed someone outside the band to talk to. She acted as his proverbial punching bag while he ranted and raved, not surprised when he admitted to being bisexual, although she was when he told her his feelings about Ashley. She suggested talking to him, but when Andy refused to until they were back stateside and he’d had time to rest, she did the last thing he’d ever expected. In no uncertain terms, she asked him to date her again, be it short or long term, until things cooled down and could be sorted out.

Notes