Intimate Secrets

The next few weeks passed by peacefully, and everybody was happy about that. It was the day after everyone else had left for the shows in Central and South America, and Ash was officially thirty-six weeks pregnant. It was pretty obvious now to anyone who cared to look that he was pregnant, as his belly was rounder than it had been before. Even though he appeared to be only about three or four months pregnant, rather than almost term, it was still pretty obvious. He didn’t mind very much, seeing as how he’d started wearing looser clothes months ago to keep from compressing the baby too much.

Erica, the midwife who often worked with Rebecca, had started making weekly house calls the day after they got back from the last tour. She’d been brought up to speed on everything that’d happened throughout his pregnancy by the OB/GYN, which wasn’t much, other than his hospitalization in Denmark. Other than that, there wasn’t much that’d happened and everything had been pretty smooth sailing.

Now that he was so close to his due date, Ash was listening to any and all signs his body gave him. Rebecca and Erica both told him that he could go into labor any time between thirty-six and forty weeks, and that he could very well go earlier than normal since he was male. He’d feel a few contractions from time to time, but since they never intensified or settled into a rhythmic pattern, he wasn’t very concerned. Besides, one of the things they said would clue him is was lack of fetal movement, and the baby was still pretty active.

With his due date technically less than a month away, he was paying close attention and starting the figurative countdown in his head. As he sat at his desk in his home office that wintry Friday morning, his hands resting on his belly as he zoned out, he couldn’t help the excitement he felt. In less than a month, he’d be a father…or a mother, however one wants to look at it, and get to hold his baby girl in his arms. Even if it meant quitting the job he loved and working from home as a graphic designer, it would be more than worth it when he got to see his baby’s beautiful face and hear her sweet coos and giggles. A small smile curved his lips at the thought, but turned to a frown as he thought about her…other father.

“You ready for lunch, Ash?” Sammi asked, poking her head in the door.

“Lunch sounds awesome,” he answered, sitting up so he could rise from his chair. “Dare I ask what’s on the menu?”

“I figured I’d combine my meat lover’s and vegetarian lasagnas,” she answered, leading him back to the kitchen. “You need all the healthy stuff you can get, and it actually doesn’t taste half bad.”

“That covers pretty much every part of the food pyramid, doesn’t it?” Ash asked curiously.

“All but fruit and sugars,” the wild child answered, nodding. “Veggies, meat, dairy, and bread, since pasta is technically part of that group.”

“Yeah, that really does pretty much cover it,” the bassist chuckled.

“Well, sit your tush down,” she demanded. “We can’t have those feet and ankles swelling up any more than they already are.”

“Seriously. My feet have never killed me worse than this,” he groaned, doing as told. “Even after playing a show in uncomfortable boots that needed breaking-in, they’ve never hurt this bad.”

“Well, that’s part of pregnancy,” Sammi chuckled. “I can give you a foot rub after we eat, though.”

“You sure Jinxx won’t have our hides for that?” he asked.

“The only thing he’d have our hides for is anything sexual, and you know it,” she laughed, setting a plate down in front of him.

Shrugging, Ash dug into the lasagna she sat in front of him, not wanting to argue since they both knew it was true. His baby girl squirmed within him as his stomach let out a soft growl, apparently as hungry as he was. He chuckled as she squirmed, then finally calmed down as his hunger was slowly but surely sated by the good food Sammi’d cooked. By the time he was done, he felt a little too bloated for his liking, but it was part and parcel of barely being able to eat what she’d given him and being pregnant.

As he made his way to the master bathroom so he could relieve himself, the wild child took their dishes back to the kitchen to wash them. If he hadn’t known he was pregnant, he’d have been asking himself if he was constipated because of how bloated he was. Granted, constipation was one thing he hadn’t encountered during his pregnancy, and for that, he was truly grateful. He’d have been absolutely miserable if he were literally full of shit and had a little one squirming around all the time, too, and that was one thing he’d rather not be. He enjoyed being upbeat far too much, and just about everyone around him knew it. He never let anything that made him miserable have a big role in his life.

That thought brought to mind how he’d practically cut Andy out of his life—and the baby’s—once he found out that he’d gotten back together with Juliet. Other than when they absolutely had to speak to each other on tour, he hadn’t really spoken to him since he was hospitalized in Denmark. If he said that not speaking to the love of his life and seeing him with someone else, all while he carried their child, didn’t break his heart, he’d be lying through his pearly-white teeth. Seeing those two together when it should be him in Juliet’s place really hurt, but he pushed through for the sake of his baby.

When he rejoined Sammi in the den, his choice spot to relax these days, she noticed that he seemed a bit depressed almost immediately. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, pulling him down so that his head rested right above her heart, as she rubbed slow, soothing circles on his back. The wild child was so sweet and caring, and she swore Jake and Jinxx were trying to make Andy get his head out of his ass and see sense.

“It just hurts so bad to see him with that…that slut,” he said, sounding choked up as tears welled in his eyes.

“There, there, Ashes,” she whispered, doing her best to soothe him. “I know it hurts, but like I said, Jake and Jinxx are working on it.”

“If he really loved me, he’d just dump her,” the bassist sobbed, wrapping his arms around her.

“Well, apparently his relationship with her is rocky, at best,” Sammi said. “Apparently, they haven’t been talking much, if at all, since around the night you told Jake and CC.”

“Really?” he asked, sniffling as he looked up at her.

“Really, really,” the wild child answered, smiling. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened soon.”

“I just wish it would before our daughter’s born.” He reached down and gently caressed his belly as the baby in question kicked. “I feel so bad about hiding her from him all this time, but I don’t want him around if he doesn’t care.”

“And his being with that trash pretty much says he doesn’t,” she agreed. “I completely understand why you don’t want him to be a part of either of your lives, in that case.”

“It’s not good for me, and it certainly won’t be good for her,” Ash whispered. “But I love him so much.”

“Go ahead and cry it out, cowboy,” Sammi whispered, gently kissing his temple. “You’ve been strong for far too long. Just let it out.”

With a shaky breath, he continued sobbing into her chest from the pain and depression he felt. Despite the jerky movements of his body, his unborn daughter barely moved within him, and her movements were so gentle that it was as if she, too, were trying to comfort him. It wasn’t long afterward that, despite his congested sinuses from the bout of crying, the bassist fell asleep in his friend’s arms, worn out physically and emotionally from the crying and lack of sleep lately.

Sammi didn’t dare move a muscle other than to breathe once he’d fallen asleep, fearing that she’d wake him up while he was sleeping good if she did. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around him, still gently rubbing his back as he listened to her beating heart in his sleep, and sang softly to him. One of her choice songs was BVB’s Saviour, as she honestly felt like she was his saviour at the moment.

Before long, he was sleeping so deeply that he didn’t even notice when she had to move her leg, which had gone numb. Since he was sleeping that deeply, she gently began to readjust pillows to keep him propped up at the same level as when he was laying on her. With a frown and a soft grunt of displeasure, he wrapped his arms around a different pillow to replace the feeling of holding on to her, but didn’t wake. Sammi sighed in relief as he continued to sleep peacefully, smiling from seeing his daughter move as she headed for the guest bathroom. She prayed silently that Jake and Jinxx would be able to get the frontman to see what he’d been doing to Ash.


Time seemed to move at a snail’s pace for the rest of the guys, even though they were doing what they loved. Andy was worried about Ashley, who’d apparently come down with a case of the flu the night before they were supposed to leave and wasn’t able to come with them. He’d had to take over his role as bassist on top of singing lead, which was somewhat challenging for him, and the fans who wanted to meet the bassist at the meet-and-greets were all disappointed. They were sorry he wasn’t feeling well and sent him all kinds of Tweets, fan mail, and messages via the guys that they hoped he felt better soon.

After their last show until February twenty-sixth, the frontman tried calling home so he could talk to his girlfriend, only to get the shock of his life. Apparently she hadn’t meant to actually answer the phone, had likely answered it from sitting on it, and what he heard made his blood boil. He heard the sounds of her moans and whimpers as someone, presumably another man, tortured her sweet spots.

Enraged beyond reason, he ended the call within ten seconds and sent her a text saying, “I heard you with your lover when I tried calling you. Enjoy him while he lasts, because we’re done, once and for all”. It felt so good not to have to worry about that bitch and what she thought anymore, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and he went to find the rest of his band. He had to tell them that they’d broken up again and that she wasn’t getting a third chance, as well as apologize for basically saying they’d been lying when they told him they thought she was just using him. He mentally face-palmed at that memory, knowing that it was no wonder they hadn’t really talked to him in months.

He found the rest of the guys sitting in the living area of the bus, apparently discussing something they didn’t feel the need to share with him, considering that they shut up the second he walked in. Unsure of how to take their uncharacteristic silence, he shrugged and told them he wanted to talk to them. CC cocked a brow at him curiously, Jake gave him a look that clearly said, “Go on”, and Jinxx merely crossed his arms and braced one ankle on the opposite knee.

“I just wanted to say…I’m sorry. For being such an idiot, for taking Juliet back when I shouldn’t have, and most importantly, for thinking you guys were lying when you said she was just using me,” Andy said, all his emotions clear in his voice.

“And what brought this on?” Jake asked, sounding surprised.

“I just tried to call her, and needless to say that what I heard…well, it was one helluva wake-up call,” he answered, chuckling wryly.

“Accidentally eavesdropped on her and a lover?” CC asked curiously.

“And subsequently ended it with a simple text. Call it cold and callous, but she’s used me long enough, and I’m putting an end to it,” he said firmly.

“Well, that’s good to know,” the drummer and guitarist agreed in unison. He noticed how Jinxx still hadn’t said a word.

“What’s wrong with you, Jinxx? Cat got your tongue?” the frontman asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“You still have one more thing to do before you’re completely in my good graces,” the multi-instrumentalist told him in no uncertain terms.

Andy cocked a brow for a moment, then realized what he meant. “I’m not sure if he’ll even speak to me. We haven’t talked in months.”

“Lemme let you in on something, Andrew.” He paused before speaking. “The reason you haven’t spoken to him in months is your own doing. He cut you out of his life because he couldn’t take the pain that seeing you with that manipulative bitch caused him. Were it not for you getting back together with her, you wouldn’t have drifted so far apart, and quite honestly, I won’t blame him if he never forgives you.”

“Damn, Jinxx. I’ve never heard you sound so cold-hearted,” he said, wincing.

“I have my reasons,” Jinxx said simply, his arms remaining crossed. At that point, he saw Jake and CC nod their agreement, as if they knew what he meant. “You might be enlightened to those reasons one of these days, but for now, it’s safe to say that you’ll remain in the dark until you man up.”

Without another word, the trio rose from their seats on the couch and loveseat and made their way back to the bunk room to pack their things for the flight home. Once again feeling as if he’d alienated his brothers so much that no amount of talking, apologizing, and time could fix things, Andy sat down and rested his head in his hands. None of them understood the pain he was going through because of that, and at knowing he was the cause of such a beautiful angel’s pain, as well.

They didn’t know that, ever since the end of the Buried Alive Tour, he’d dreamt of a sweet little girl with his eyes and skin tone that looked identical to Ashley on a nightly basis. He couldn’t figure out why he was having such dreams, but knew that they meant something and that they brought him more pain since he couldn’t figure out why.

Choking back tears of despair, the frontman headed back to the bunk room to pack his things, as well. He’d just go back to his small, lonely Hollywood apartment and drown his sorrows in a bottle of Jack, knowing that’d be the only thing to ease the pain right now. If he’d been on speaking terms with his angel, none of this would’ve been happening, and he wouldn’t have felt the need to drink like a camel. He chuckled wryly at the thought of his drinking increasing lately, especially once he turned twenty-one, and how it reminded him of the morning he’d told Ashley he needed to cut down on his drinking. He couldn’t remember seeing the bassist touch alcohol in months, but then again, he might’ve been too drunk himself to remember.

Once his things were packed, he slung his carry-on bag over his shoulder and started dragging his suitcase to the front of the bus. He was more than ready to get home, if only so he could have some time by himself to think, and figure out what he wanted to do. He already knew that he wanted to tell the man he loved that he did and how much, but he wasn’t sure he’d have him after all the pain he’d caused him. Other than that and keeping Black Veil Brides alive and kicking, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life. Sighing heavily as he exhaled a drag, Andy looked up at the stars, wishing they could guide him.

Notes