Intimate Secrets

The start of Black Veil Brides’ 2011 UK Tour was the first time Andy, Jake, or CC had gotten to see their brother in months. They hadn’t seen him since the day Sammi took him back home, per doctor’s orders, to get some rest after the migraine that got him hospitalized. They had no clue that Jinxx had seen him several times when they went back home for breaks between tours, thinking that he’d only had contact with him over the phone like they had.

Andy was shocked when he first saw the man he loved, though. He’d grown his hair out a bit more than it’d been when he’d had to go back home, it looked as though he’d put on a little weight, and he appeared to be glowing, as well. Thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him, he forced himself to stop staring before he got caught and had to do some serious explaining.

Like an idiot, he’d gotten back together with Juliet, fooling her into thinking his alter ego was his true personality, so she had no idea when he was truly all there and when he wasn’t. His alter ego professed to be madly in love with her, while in reality, he was really madly in love with Ashley. He felt bad for not having tried to drop by and see him after they all got home from Warped in late-August, but he couldn’t get Juliet to leave him alone long enough to do so. It was almost as though she thought he’d really go running to the bassist if she let him go see him, and drop her like a piping hot potato…again.

Jake had shredded him up one side and down the other, almost ripping him a new one, when he broke the news of their getting back together, after what he’d told him about his feelings for the older man. He’d looked like he wanted to slap some sense into him and give him a couple black eyes, but considering that he’d been through enough pain after breaking his ribs right before Warped, he’d apparently decided against it. That didn’t stop him from reaming him out to high Heaven and back, though, and he’d honestly thought he’d never hear the end of it. Eventually, the guitarist had decided that he just wasn’t going to speak to him and left him alone, and Jinxx was apparently on his side.

“Jake, why the Hell won’t you or Jinxx speak to me?” he asked, sounding a bit childish.

“Because we don’t want to,” the guitarist answered simply, not looking up from his text conversation with his girlfriend, Ella.

“Ya know, it’s kinda lonely since CC’s always drunk and this is the first time I’ve seen Ashley in months,” Andy told him.

“Maybe now would be a good time for that conversation,” Jake said pointedly.

“Dude, you know I can’t do that. First of all, I’m dating Juliet again, and secondly, I told him I’d be waiting,” the frontman snapped.

“And therein lies the problem,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he looked up at the ceiling. “To show you’re waiting, you don’t get back together with your ex before he’s even officially discharged. And Juliet…well, don’t even get me started on her.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, sounding curious, yet defensive.

“You wanna know the truth, Andy?” Suddenly, a raging fire flared up in his hazel eyes as he sprang to his feet. “Not a single one of us like her. Hell, not even Ella and Sammi like her, and you know damn well they get along with pretty much everybody they meet.”

Stunned, he stood there in silence as the guitarist reamed him out…again.

“To be honest, I don’t think Juliet’s doing anything more than using you for sex and fame,” Jake continued. “To me, she doesn’t act like a woman in love; no, she acts like a manipulative bitch who’s getting everything she wants and then some.”

“Sadly, Andy, I have to agree with Jake on this one.” They looked over at the bunk room door to see Jinxx standing there, his arms crossed and a disappointed look on his face. “Juliet was never anything but trouble, but we didn’t wanna ruin your happiness, so we’ve kept our mouths shut. However, it’s time you grew up and acted like a man, considering that you’re nearly legal to drink.”

Andy sensed something unsaid in the multi-instrumentalist’s words, like there was another reason he wanted him to grow up, and that the reason he’d used was a lie.

“If you had any sense and maturity, you’d dump that piece of scum and go after the one you really love.” It shocked him to see CC had joined the group. “Yes, Andrew, I know that you like, if not love, Ashley. I figured it out for myself because it’s just too obvious. Personally, I’ve never liked Juliet because she was never very nice to me when you weren’t around, but like Jake and Jinxx, I didn’t wanna ruin anything if you were truly happy with her, so I kept my mouth shut.”

“We’ve given you plenty to think about; what you do from here on out is up to you.”

With that, Jake, Jinxx, and CC all went back to the bunk room, and he saw the multi-instrumentalist knock on the door to the back room. Needing some time alone to think and clear his head, Andy put his phone on silent, grabbed his cigarettes, and stormed off the bus so he could find somewhere quiet. He didn’t even want Juliet calling him right now, and that was saying something. It wasn’t long afterward before he disappeared into his own little world once again.


In the back room of the bus, Jinxx was asking Ashley the one thing he didn’t think he’d have to: if he wanted to tell Jake and CC about his pregnancy. Both men were extremely trustworthy, and based on how they’d sided with him when the guitarist confronted Andy just now, he was pretty sure that if they knew, they’d keep their mouths shut. They’d be looking at the young frontman with disappointment and disgust in their eyes, as well, if they knew, and that alone would make them keep quiet.

“Ash, do you wanna tell Jake and CC what’s going on?” he asked softly. “I mean, you heard them siding with me just now when we all confronted Andy.”

“You think they’ll backstab me by telling him later on?” the bassist countered, gently caressing his belly.

“Honestly, no. I think they’ll end up doing the same thing as me: looking at him with disappointment and disgust in their eyes until he mans up and at least admits he loves you,” Jinxx answered, then covered his mouth. “Shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“Don’t worry about it, Jinxxy,” he chuckled. “When he asked for some time alone when I was hospitalized in Denmark, it was to tell me he loved me as more than a brother. I honestly don’t believe it was genuine, or I wouldn’t be hiding this from him.”

“You think it was said simply because he feared he’d lose you, right?” he asked.

“Exactly. But if you honestly think they won’t tell him, I suppose we can clue them in,” Ash said uncertainly. “I mean, that’ll be two more pairs of eyes to keep on me to make sure nothing goes wrong, two more sets of hands to help set up and decorate the nursery when we get home. Hell, that’ll mean two more babysitters, if I need a break.”

“That’s true enough. I’ll go get ’em in the living area and lock the door to the bus so Andy doesn’t walk in on us.” The multi-instrumentalist rose to his feet. “Sammi, you stay here with him, and I’ll come get you guys once they’re settled and sworn to secrecy.”

“Sounds good, baby,” she agreed, gently kissing him.

Playing the waiting game was Hell for Ash because he wasn’t sure how they were going to react about his hiding something so momentous from them for the past twenty-one weeks. Granted, he’d had good reason, between none of them knowing about his secret beforehand and not knowing who he could trust not to go behind his back and tell Andy. Hopefully they’d understand and embrace him with loving arms, figuratively if not literally. He needed as much support as he could get right now, considering that his baby’s…other father wasn’t a part of either of their lives, intimately speaking.

A short time later, Jinxx returned to tell them that Jake and CC were settled in the living area, patiently awaiting them and the news. They were sworn to secrecy and promised that, come Hell or high water, they’d keep their mouths shut and not say a word to the frontman, if only because they were pissed that he was still with Juliet when he clearly loved the bassist with all his heart and soul.

Sammi took a seat on one side of him, the multi-instrumentalist on the other, and both grabbed his hands and gently rubbed his back in a calming, supportive gesture. Ash took a deep breath to calm his nerves, feeling his little one begin to move a bit as she sensed his anxiety, her movements gentle, as if doing what she could to reassure him. He allowed a small smile to cross his face as he took a deep breath, thoughts of how much help they’d be crossing his mind.

“Guys, there’s something that I’ve been hiding from you,” he started out, his voice shaky.

“It’s okay, Ash; we’re here for you,” Sammi whispered in his ear, gently hugging him.

“And what’s that?” Jake asked, his brow cocked.

“I have to give a bit of a back story for this to make sense, so bear with me,” Ash told them. “You remember how, when I first moved to LA, I worked in the porn industry, right?”

“Yeah, we remember that. You did what you had to do, and it’s part of the past,” the guitarist said.

“Well, not quite as much as we’d like to think.” He chuckled. “After doing a gay scene because my boss wanted me to, I found out something unique. You see, I have the reproductive systems of both genders, something I was born with, and I only found out because I found myself pregnant with the other porn star’s kid.”

“Wow,” they breathed in unison, their eyes widening.

“Before you ask, the reason that ties into the here and now is because…I’m pregnant again.”

“What?” CC’s jaw fell open in shock.

“Okay… Do you know who the…other father, if you will, is?” Jake asked.

“I know exactly who it is, and so do you,” Ash answered, nodding. “That’s why you’re sworn to secrecy about this.”

“It’s Andy’s?” they asked incredulously.

“You remember the night back in May when you couldn’t find me? Well, he found me, half drunk in my bunk, after you guys left,” he began. “One thing led to another and, well…you can figure it out for yourselves.”

“Thanks for sparing us the details,” the guitarist said. “So how far along are you?”

“As of yesterday, twenty-one weeks.”

“How the fuck have you been able to hide it that long?” CC gasped.

“Because you nuts thought my morning sickness was hangovers,” he chuckled. “Speaking of which, the migraine that landed me in the hospital was partly caused by the pregnancy.”

“How so?” the drummer asked curiously.

“Increase in blood volume to help with the extra demand that’s being put on my body,” Ash answered simply. “Combine that with the stress I was under, and the lack of caffeine to avoid hurting the baby, and it caused the pressure in my head to increase just enough to make me start bleeding out of my ears.”

“So what’s this gonna do as far as you staying in the band?” Jake asked curiously.

“I’m not sure yet. Things between Andy and I might get bad enough that I decide to leave the band, if only for her sake,” he answered.

“So it’s a girl?”

“Mmm hmm. Here’s the ultrasound pictures from the day I found out to prove it.” He passed around copies of the pictures so they could see.

“Aww. But wait a minute. If you’re pregnant…why haven’t you got a belly like a pregnant woman?” the drummer asked, sounding both curious and suspicious.

“I asked my OB/GYN the same thing,” Ash chuckled. “She said that first of all, I’m carrying pretty high, like up toward my ribcage. Secondly, I was so fit before I got pregnant that my abdominal wall is pretty strong, and the stronger the abdominal wall, the less likely a person is to show.”

“So where’s the little rascal laying right now?” the guitarist asked.

“Um…” He got Sammi to move so he could stretch out on the couch, then pressed on his belly. “Her head is right here,” he said, gently pressing on the right side of his abdomen right over his “OUTLAW” tattoo, “and her little butt’s right here.” He pressed down a few inches away, nearly all the way across his belly, somewhere between the “L” and the “A” of the tattoo.

“Can you feel her moving yet?” CC asked.

“I’ve been feeling her move for weeks,” he chuckled. “Since before I even found out she’s a girl.”

“You think we’d be able to feel her moving?” He really was curious.

“If she’s awake. Course, even if she is, she may not feel very active right now,” Ash answered.

Curious to see if they could feel her or not, the drummer and guitarist gently placed their hands on his belly, right above the infamous tattoo, and waited. Apparently the little girl within could tell that it wasn’t her mommy, Auntie Sammi, or Uncle Jinxx that was touching her through layers of muscle and flesh, and she started to move slightly.

The bassist chuckled softly, her movements tickling him a little bit from the inside as she brushed up against the more ticklish parts of his ribs. Jake and CC were awed that they could feel the little girl moving within him, and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wasn’t faking it in the least. There was no way anyone could fake the fluid, yet jerky movements they felt under their hands, and even without the ultrasound pictures as proof, they’d have believed him from feeling her move. Awed, they took their hands off his belly and helped him sit up so he could breathe, given that he’d gotten a kick to the lung.

Shortly thereafter, as they were getting ready for the show that night, Andy boarded the bus once again. All talk of the baby, the nursery, and other plans revolving around the two ceased with Ash promising to let Jinxx bring them over to his new house just as the door opened. None of them were about to tell the young frontman anything about his unborn daughter, not until he got rid of Juliet and manned up, and that caused him to get disgusted looks from Jake and CC, just as Jinxx’d predicted.

Ignoring their dirty looks, Andy got himself dressed for the show and set about applying his makeup and war paint before tackling his hair. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit, not after the fight he’d had with Juliet while he was gone over whether she was using him or not. Course, they weren’t in the mood for his shit either, especially Jinxx and Jake, considering that they felt extremely protective over Ash and the baby. CC was more or less like a security guard with the bite of a pit bull, but he already loved this baby girl as much as the rest of those who knew about her. They all shook their heads in disgust at the young frontman’s irresponsibility, then carried on with the show as if there was nothing out of the ordinary going on.

Notes