*WARNING: May affect sensitive person*

Ethan's P.O.V
“Well, I... I Don't know how to talk about that.” I sighed, would she understand?
“Talking is easy: you open your mouth, move your tongue and lips while exhaling some air. Give it a try?” she said opening and closing her mouth like a dumb fish.
“What's that?” Rebekah asked, pointing at the little heart in my hand, I sighed again, loudly. At least I knew she wasn't my secret admirer... Rebekah? Never!
“That's what I don't know how to talk about..” I looked down, she bent herself and looked up at me with a childish smile.
“Then try what I just told you. I swear it works!” I smiled at her... Okay, she won't give up!

“I've been receiving a few heart shaped paper since yesterday... I Don't know who is sending it.” I felt my blush coming again as she took the heart in her hand.
“Awwh, that's cute.” she said, smiling kindly. Something which was, -I have to say it- extremely rare.
“Is it from Melz?” I looked up at her, Melz? no it was impossible! I just shook my head, feeling defeated. She put an hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze, she was very nice and caring today... What was wrong?
“Nothing, I'm just in a wonderful mood since yesterday. But if you want the 'demon' back, just ask!” she grinned, shit I said that loudly! I quickly shook my head and she chuckled.

“Well, I have an idea on who it may be...
-Who?” I asked hurriedly, she smiled evilly then shrugged walking away. Who???? I heard her laughing out loud in the alley... I guess I said that out loud again! But still I wanted to know who was my secret admirer!

I walked out of my third period, I was kinda thinking about something else than my admirer. Who ever she was, she didn't seem to want to let me know. So why bother? I would just enjoy this little attention and that was all..
I arrived to my locker to find a black haired putting something in... God! It couldn't be her! She was the girl who hold my hand and hugged me last Friday! During the 'riot' for Rebekah! But why would she get interested in me? She was so cute!
“So it was you?” I asked, she jumped hard and almost hurt her head against the wall.
“I.. uh.. I just..” she stammered blushing like a little kid. I smiled at her and took a step closer. She automatically looked down, why? She was so beautiful!

“Take a deep breath, I won't bit you I swear.” I sweetly lifted her chin with my thumb and smiled again. She had different colored eyes, it was weird, weird but beautiful!
“I.. I didn't want to bother you... You seem to be so embarrassed around girls..” I knew whoever she was she was attentive and caring.
“I don't feel embarrassed with you now.” she smiled... Oh my God! Her smile was perfect! She was perfect! Weren't there any flaw on her face? I suddenly remembered I had my hand on her chin and quickly take it off. She took my hand in hers, they were so soft!
“It doesn't disturb me.” she put it on her cheek and closed her eyes with a small smile on her face.

I felt my own cheeks burning, I just had my hand on her cheek and I already felt my heart racing! Suddenly the bell rang, breaking the charm..
“You want to come to the party with me Saturday?” which party? What was she talking about?
“Saturday night at Jessie's place, we'll talk about it later okay?” I nodded my head a bit dumbfounded. Suddenly she pecked my lips and walked away... Did this really happen?
I walked to my next period stroking my lower lip...Did this really happen? I didn't even know her name!

I walked in and sat next to Rebekah, she was chuckling silently. I gave her a confused look and she replied to my silent question.
“How was your fist kiss buddy?” I looked at her still confused, how could she know someone kissed me? And how could she know it was my first kiss? I blushed.
“Well, first I saw everything. I couldn't miss that! Then I know it was your first because you said Melody was your first friend then I understood you never kissed. And to finish no you didn't say it out loud, but as someone I know use to say 'your eyes say more than your mouth could ever.' Now listen to the teacher and try not to think about the tall brunette.” She smiled warmly at me.

I tried my best, yes I really tried, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was so perfect, I in the other hand was just a mess!
I still couldn't understand why she was interested in me! She could have any guy in the school, so why me? Of course I didn't mind! But I just couldn't understand.
Then she kissed me, it was just a peck but still way more than ever for me!

After lunch I walked with Melz, I still haven't tell her about the hearts and all. And to be honest I didn't know how to tell her and how she would react. I knew she didn't love me, she had 'friend-zoned' me and I was 'the big brother she never had'... I sighed thinking about it.
“What's wrong Ethan? You've been sighing a lot today...
-Hum.. No, nothing don't worry.” I gave her a warm smile but she didn't swallow it...
“You're lying! I know you too well! What's wrong?” I sighed again.
“You remember that day when you first tell me you loved me like a big brother?” she quickly nodded.
“Yes! You told me that you loved me!” I sighed again and she bent her head to the side, confused.

“Well, I.. I really meant it this day” she looked at me in shock. Shit! Did I just loose my only friend? She looked down then up at me then down again, I noticed her lower lip was shaking. Meaning she felt stuck and didn't know what to say.
“I'm sorry Ethan.” I felt my heart broke. Why did it have to hurt that much?
“I.. I don't love you in this way.. You.. You're my best friend and.. And my confident! I.. I never saw you in that way.” I felt like crying, but had to hold it in. I knew she didn't mean to hurt me, but hell! It hurt more than ever...
I didn't say a word, I just felt numb, an horrible pain radiating from my heart. I couldn't think properly, the pain was growing bigger and bigger. One escape...
“It's okay.. uh.. I have to go.” I quickly said before standing up.

“No please Ethan don't...” but I just walked to the away, not listening to her anymore I walked faster and faster, thinking about one thing and only one...
I heard Melody running after me, but I couldn't think properly anymore, I just wanted to escape my pain.. No, no more pain! I had enough. And if it could kill me.. Great! Just great! I couldn't take it anymore.
Suddenly all my bad thoughts came back to my mind... Melz didn't love me, my family didn't love me, I had no friends, nobody cared. I was alone, I was worthless, I was stupid, I was ugly. My demons came back telling me these hurtful words again and again. I walked in the restrooms and thanks goodness it was empty.

I quickly went in and let my body fell on the floor. 'I am alone, I am worthless, I am stupid, I am ugly, nobody cares...' I started to breath heavily as I opened my phone and take it... My oldest friend, my only real friend, the only one able to understand and help.. My blade.
I've been clean for two years, since Melz came in my life and found out. She has convinced me to stop and has tried her best to be there for me, me in the other hand did my best and achieved... until today?

I felt the cold metal in my hand, I would make a few cuts to feel better. Then a few deeper to release myself, secretly hoping it could kill me. I had enough, I just wanted to leave them all behind. After all who would cry? Certainly not my dad, each time he saw me he was so disgusted he beat me over and over..
I took the blade and caressed my skin with it. I couldn't help but smile, I would finally be free, be released. I started to press it slowly...

“Put it down.” I jumped so hard the blade fell from my hand... Rebekah? What the hell was she doing here? I Was in the male restroom for fuck sake!
Suddenly the door was opened... She kicked it and looked down at me, she seemed perfectly emotionless. It wasn't the demon, she just seemed to be dead inside, just standing here. She squatted in front of me, her face still dead, I was shaking.
“Why Ethan? You seemed happy this morning. What happened?” she smelled like cigarettes, I just sighed and told her everything, knowing she would never give up. She never ever gave up!

“Come with me, if I get caught here I'll have some problems again.” with that she took my blade and put it in her pocket, then she lifted me and walked out. I followed her outside the school and saw her taking another cigarette and smoke it.
“So that's how you cope with pain? With pain? It seems paradoxical to me.” I looked down, ashamed. I really didn't want her to know!
“But at least it's still better than suicide... I guess. Well, I can't understand it since I hate physical pain.” she took another drag, where was the child from this morning?
“You should focus on the good side of life. Think about Shanella for example.” she looked up at me and I gave her a confused look.
“Shanella, the tall brunet who kissed you... You didn't know her name?”


I shook my head, but yes, she was right. I should focus on the good side, there was an extraordinary cute girl looking for me... Then I had Rebekah who cared for me. No I shouldn't give up!
“Then go find her, she was looking for you when I had a bad feeling... And forget about it. It'll get better.” she gave me a warm smile before walking back inside.

Notes

Sorry about putting self harm in this story, I didn't plan it there and I'm not promoting it. But this chapter is dedicated to someone, and I really hope she read it.


And you, yes you who's reading this, if you feel like shit just go and find someone to talk to. If you feel like there's no one around and that nobody cares then come to me or us, as weird as it can sound I care a lot for strangers even if I don't get it in return: I love you. So don't try to cope with pain using pain... It doesn't work on long term! Talking does. :)

You're not alone.