The "High School Experience"

My brother commited suicide on December 20th when I was 12 years old. I was sleeping in my bed at 9:10 AM when I heard my mother screaming. My father was out of the state on business so I jolted awake and rushed to where I heard the screaming. It came from my brother’s room and I rushed to the doorway. What I saw next changed me for the worst. There were vodka bottles everywhere, on the ground, bed, everywhere. I shriek when I see my brother, hanging by his neck from his gray ceiling fan. I immediately begin sobbing loudly. Then my mother got the guts to step further into his once homey room. I remove my hands from my face and sniff profusely. His body was still lightly moving in a circle from the light wind from my mother’s movement. I couldn’t look at him for more then 2 seconds. I look down at the brown carpet and see my tears splash to the ground. Suddenly I spot a orange bottle on the ground empty. I pick it up and read the label, KIRSTEN WALLE 200 MG PROZAC. He didn’t even want a chance of living, alcohol, my Prozac, and finally hanging himself. I just can’t believe this has happened. I drop the bottle and see my mother pick up 3 letters, each with our names on them in his cursive writing. She hands me mine with tears on it and I rip open the letter with 3 papers inside of it. I begin reading the first page I pick.
Dearest Kirsten,
I hope you don’t hate me for this. I really wish I could stand being here, I really do. I wanted to protect you with all my heart but I just couldn’t bear living anymore. I love you so much we truly had a great relationship. I am sorry I used your pills, I know you need them for your anxiety attacks but I really wanted to make sure this happened. I couldn’t take being pressured, living up to nothing, and having been bullied for the past 7 years. You wouldn’t believe the things those people said to me, and if anyone said them to you I would beat the shit out of them but I guess only Andy can do that for you right now huh. (At this point I start sobbing again.) I have contemplated this for a long time and decided I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to run away before, but then I realized I would leave you here alone so I didn’t. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Believe me when I say this I truly hope you believe that after you find me. I cant really think of other things I can write to you without deciding not to do this. I know you will think you could have done something, been nicer or something, but you were never my reason to do this. You never drove me to self harm, abuse alcohol, or do drugs. Our parents did, and I hope you never do these things, In fact I believe I used you as my reason not to cut myself multitudes of times because I didn’t want to disappoint you. I will try to protect you from the grave, and I give you all the money I have and you can have anything you want. I love you so much. You were the last letter I wrote because I will die happy thinking only of you. You were my reason to live for 12 years. I hope you understand that because it is true. And for the final time, I. Love. You.
Love,
Mark
The other two pages were picture of us together one my birthday, the other his. Hidden on the bottom of envelope was a large heart locket, half had my name on it the other his. I tapped the button to open it and inside was a photo of both me and him. Smiling, happy to be hanging out together. It was from when he got to take me to my first concert my parent took the photo before we left. I began crying again and the tears dropped onto his picture and I closed the locket. I placed the long necklace around my neck and ran out of the room. I went downstairs and called the police and explained what happened. Immediately afterwards I ran to Andy’s house and he held me for two hours. It was and is still the worst time of my life. I thought it was my fault, I thought that so much that I began cutting myself because of it. Eventually I cut for other reasons like bullying and other stuff. He effected me so much, I still have the letter, pictures, and locket. Whenever I see them I feel a pain in my chest and I feel tears sting my eyes.

Notes

Hi, so sorry for such a depressing chapter, but it begins to explain alot right?
Andyways,
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