My pillow felt hard, my mind was racing and the tears were falling freely as I hugged myself in the cold bed while my iPod was repeating Hospital for Souls by BMTH. My life had really become Ritual. I couldn't sleep, eat, smile or get out of my room anymore, I just mostly wept. I moved a bit and flinched. I rolled my sleeve up and examined the fresh cuts that marked my skin. Thanks God the weather was cold and I could cover them with sleeves. I sighed and more tears fell as I remembed how I'd become this.


Flashback:


I was shivering while trying to find my way home, the rain violently falling and soaking me. I braced myself foolishly trying to keep myself warm as wind blew, making me feel freezing cold. I walked for what seemed hours, my tears mixing with the drops of rain, my feet hurting, my clothes ruined just as my hair and makeup. I looked just like the monster I am.

Finally I reached my house, but the door was locked. I sat under a tree and tried to project - this way I could unlock it. I tried for a long time, but it didn't work, my emotions were too out of control. I decided then to climb the tree and jump to my window. My shaking hands and the slippery branches made this task almost impossible and I almost fell. 'Maybe would be better if I died' I thought. I used my necklace to pick the window lock and entered my room. I found a towel andstarted to dry myself.


"Mom?" Nothing. "Mom? Where are you?"


I started to go downstairs. My hearting pounding and the only sound was my steps. Where was she? I got worried.


"Mommy?"I reached the bottom of the staircase and walked to the living room, suddenly my vision caught piece of paper on the table.


"Hello Hunny!
My boss called me because I had an emergency at work, so I'm not at home.
I might just come back at sun rising, so as soon as you are home, call me.
Xoxo
Mom"


I sighed relieved as I grabbed my cell phone - miraculously not damaged by the rain - and dialed her number. He picked in third ring.


"Hello, Sweety!"

"Hey, mom."

"Are you, ok? You sound weird."

"Just tired... I'm already home and I'm going to sleep, ok?"

"Ok baby. Did Andy behave well? He dropped you now?" My heart ached and I forced myself to answer without stuttering.

"Yep mom. He did both."

"Okay Hunny. Good night"

"Good night mom. Bye."


I ended the call and broke down, crying my eyes out and hiccupping furiously.Death must be like this. I just wanted to die, to end this fucking suffering. My mind battling between my sane and insane emotional side. I walked back to my room, maybe some sleep would make me some good. It was cold, so I grabbed my long sleeved gray pjs. My eyes glanced at my mahogany desk and the things that were there.

Pencils
Pens
Papers
Erasers
Books

A pair of scissors.


I looked back and forth to them and my clean wrists. How much more would they be clean? I approached and grabbed the scissors, the metal blade cold against my skin. I made up my mind, running to the bathroom and locking the door. I let myself slip against the door, my body numb. I tested the blade in my thumb. It cut and started to slightly bleed. Sharp enough.

My hand was trembling as I pressed the blade against the white skin of my ivory wrist, the veins visible under it. With a swift move I sliced the blade across my flesh opening it and making droplets of blood appearing. I gasped slightly, It didn't hurt at all, just a small sting, in fact, it made me feel better. I dragged the blade again making new cuts and fresh blood - that soon pooled around me - appear.


Killer


I engraved in my arm. I let the bloody scissors fall and so does my arm. This is my punishment. I killed Juliet, Andy hates me now, I'm not better that any psycho or serial killer. I deserve to die, I should have killed myself, but I didn't. I didn't cut enough to hit a vein, just enough to scar and reminds me what I really am.

A killer.
A murder.
A freak.
A monster.


Soon, darkness engulfed me as I cried myself to sleep, a mix of blood and tears staining my clothes.


And I'd live with this sorrow and pain forever.

Notes

I really got depressed while writing this... some feelings happened to me... :/
Andy became an asshole! He made Angel cut!
What do you think?
FEDDBACK AND REVIEWS PLS! <3

Title Credit: 'Disasterology' by PTV.