Ashley’s Pov


From the moment my alarm clock went off this morning, I knew it was going to be a shit day. I put on a pair of black skinny jeans, black converse and a sleeping with sirens shirt with my outlaw hoodie on top. Once I was dressed, I put on some makeup, which consisted of eyeliner, eye shadow and mascara and foundation, which hides the redness in my cheeks when I start to have an anxiety attack. When I was done with that, I went down stairs to see Jinxx sitting at the table with his head in his hands. He looked up when he saw me and gave me a small smile. Returning the smile I gave him a hug before grabbing a box of cereal and pouring a small amount in and eating it. When I was done, I cleaned my bowl before going to brush my teeth. Shortly after we were both ready for school, well me to go to school and Jinxx to take me, we went to pick CC up. I didn’t want Jinxx to know nor did I want to tell CC but I’ve heard Jinxx and Sammi arguing the past few nights. I can see how the arguing is hurting Jinxx and he hates it but it keeps happening. When we pulled up to the school, I did not want to get out of the car. CC literally had to pull me out. As soon as Jinxx drove away, CC then pulled my hand into his and held it. The amount of dirty looks we got when we walked into the school was enough to make me want to leave already. I could only imagine what we were going to go through.

During our first few classes, people would pass me notes and CC would take them and not let me read them. I could only wonder what they could possibly say but I didn’t ask him. He looked pretty pissed every time he read a new one. What was the most nerve racking was when we were getting some books out of our lockers and talking about nothing of real importance when we got surrounded and this girl was up in our faces. CC Told her off real good without really trying which got her to shut up but before she left she called me so many things. Becoming a girl was scary and have to deal with the weight changes and size changes wasn’t easy. As an adult I ate healthy despite my love for alcohol. As a kid, I ate what ever Jinxx gave me and parts of me would count the calories or the fat in it or try to guess how much fatter it would make me. So when the girl told CC to tell me to lay of the cupcakes, my heart broke a little bit. According to CC I was really small but in my eyes, I wasn’t small enough. The ground must shake with every step I take.

History class, which was after break, wasn’t so bad. The teacher was pretty cool and when CC explained why he needed to sit near me, the teacher was fine with it. The amount of anxiety attacks and just anxiety that never left was disturbing. My count had been at 10 when I stopped counting. Some were small and others were pretty big. The one in the car this morning was pretty big compared to the small one I had when I woke up this morning and realized I had to go to school. PE was going to be something else. Right now I don’t have any clothes to dress out into or a locker so it’s not my fault I’m going to get yelled at and when that happens, I’m going to have an anxiety attack.


I talked to one of the teachers in the PE office and told them I was new. One teacher was really rude but the other was pretty nice. I apparently had the male teacher who was in the boy’s locker room. Once the teacher got me a locker, she lended me some clothes and sent me to class. When I got to where we were supposed to be, I saw that the girl from break was in this class. The teacher wasn’t out yet so I was an open target to her insults. Literally the first thing out of her mouth was about how fat I was and how I was a waste of space. I ignored her as best as I could and tried to focus on the positive things on life but it was getting harder and harder as her insults got meaner and meaner. When the teacher finally showed up, he told us that we would be running the lap around campus and then would have free time for the rest of the period.

The teacher wasn’t very nice to me and mumbled under his breath that I was a devil worshiper as he told me to follow the other kids who were running and then do something with the free time as long as I don’t sit down. I nodded and then ran the lap. It was very large and had moments where it was a dirt trail and then one where it was a paved section and even a part with grass. When I finished, I wasn’t last but I defiantly wasn’t first. It had to be at least ¾ of a mile. I walked around the basketball area and kept to myself and clear of the mean girls as best as I could. Well, that is until they cornered me and then began to insult everything they could about me.

“She runs so slow because she’s fatter than a whale.”

“She needs to google how to be an anorexic.”

“Why hasn’t she killed her self yet? I mean if I was that pathetic, I would’ve.”

“I bet she paid that guy to date her, he’s hot and she’s totally not.”

“How could someone that perfect like a disaster like her?”


Were only some of the things they said to me. They got harsher and harsher as they went on. When the teacher finally said it was time to go in, I was more than happy. One of the little puppies of the leader was in my locker row. The entire time I was changing, she watched me. At first when I opened my locker, she slammed it shut. When I was putting my shoes on, she untied them. When I put my hood up on my jacket, she pulled it down. She literally did everything she could to bother me. As I tried to walk away, she tripped me and I fell face first into a bench and busted my lip a little bit. She disappeared but returned with the leader who looked pissed.

“Why did Tessa say you tripped her?”

“I didn’t trip her she tripped me.” I replied quietly.

She didn’t like my answer because the next thing I knew, my face was shoved into a locker and I was pinned to the wall of lockers. “Answer me again bitch. Why did you hurt her?”

“I didn’t touch her I swear! I kept to myself the entire time. Why would I bother her? Huh? She may have bothered me but I’m not cruel.” She pulled my head away from the metal by my hair and then slammed my cheek into the locker leaving a dent. As she released me, I slid down the wall as dizziness and nausea took over. The bell rang and it was now lunch. CC would be worried if I didn’t see him but it’d be worse if he saw me this way. I slowly got up and checked my face for bruises. It was lightly purple but not enough to be really bad. Putting on more foundation, I then walked slowly to meet up with CC. When he saw me I told him I got lost trying to find my way back to our lockers because the school was so big.

We bought lunch and sat at an empty table. I slowly ate what was on my plate and was about ¼ of the way done when more people came to bother us. CC was almost done and opened his monster that Juliet gave him. Let’s just say he was hyper as fuck and ready to punch someone in the face if need be.Luckily, he didn’t hit anyone, instead he tightened his grip on me because the guys where saying perverted things to me.One guy told me how he wanted to fuck me so much that I would be crying his name for years. Another told me that I was probably so tight that his dick would rip me apart. The things got more and more disgusting as they went on. CC literally was about to flip a shit but I held him back. The only thing I said to them as they walked away before the bell rang was, “fuck you motherfuckers.”

CC pulled me close and whispered into my hair, “I’ll never let them hurt you Ash, never.” I gave him a soft smile as he then got up and we walked to my next class. I had Drama when he had PE. I wished him luck and hoped this class would be better. Much to my luck, it wasn’t. It was just as bad if not worse then PE. The teacher watched them insult me and didn’t even care. When the day finally ended, I got cornered one last time before I could get to CC and someone tried to touch me. I slapped them as hard as I could which resulted in a chick punching me in the stomach and then in the face. The crowd dispersed right as CC walked up. I acted fine as he saw me and smiled. Together we walked to Andy’s car and got in. right before we got in, I made sure CC wouldn’t ever tell Andy that we got much more shit from people than he ever got. As soon as we pulled away from the school, I put my face on the window and tried to not let anything that happened today bother me.

When we got to Jinxx’s house, I smiled and thanked Andy for the ride. Of course the smile was fake but he didn’t know any different. I did the little homework I had which meant I did history first then English and then science before doing math. It literally took about two hours to understand as much as I could understand. When I finally finished, it was around dinnertime. Jinxx called me downstairs and said we would be eating without Sammi because she was still working. We ate something he cooked up; well he ate most of it. He didn’t realize that I barely touched my plate. I strongly avoided the topic of school and answered it was school when he asked about how it went. After dinner, I went back to my room and tried to understand a little bit more about geometry but I couldn’t do.


When it was ‘time to go to bed’ Jinxx came in and said good night before going away. I stared at the ceiling for a while before rolling onto my side and staring at the wall. My mind began to wander and things that were said began to take their toll. Before I knew it, I was sitting in the bathroom with the door locked, a blade in my hands and cuts all over my legs. I sat there trying to get rid of all the anxiety that had built up in me over the course of the day but it just wouldn’t go away. I heard a car door slam and then the front door open and close. Sammi was home. I heard talking before I heard Sammi yell at Jinxx drunkliy tell him that it didn’t matter where she had been it only mattered that she was here. As they argued on and on, I snuck back into my room after cleaning up my mess. The argument lasted a good few hours. When things began to calm down, I heard the front door slam and someone start to cry. I watched Sammi leave and get in her car from my window. Part of me wanted to blame myself for the argument, they began to argue more when I was around and it was about me. Sammi doll was okay with me in the beginning when I was cute and dependant but the moment I became a preteen and teen, she became unsupportive. She claimed that I wasn’t her kid and that she didn’t have to be my ‘mother’ despite that’s what she was supposed to be. I cried myself to sleep tonight because I was the reason that one of my best friends’ marriages’ was falling apart and all I could do was watch.



^^^^^^


School has been a complete hell. The two weeks until break have been a lifetime. Each day the people get meaner and meaner to CC and me. It’s noticeable now. CC is hell of a lot quieter than he’s ever been and I’ve been depressed and things at home haven’t been helping. The arguments between Jinxx and Sammi are getting worse; their getting louder and longer. If I had been the old me, I would have laughed my ass off at my own thoughts but I’m not. School has taken so much out of me. The easy classes we thought we had were nothing of the sorts. I’ll come home around three and be doing my homework until 11 without any breaks other than ‘dinner’, which I don’t even eat. Things in general have been getting worse. I get beat up worse, I get insulted worse, my anxiety attacks are getting worse and its becoming unbearable. If I got jumped, CC got shoved into a locker. If CC got called an Emo little bitch, I got called an Emo bitch who should kill herself already and definitely skip a few meals.

With Jinxx fighting with Sammi most of the time that I’m home, I have no one to talk to out of school other than CC. Things in my head are getting darker and darker. I can’t voice how I feel to anyone so things begin to take a toll. The blades weren’t helping any more so I began to burn. The power of the flame was amazing. Fire its self is unpredictable but this, this I could control and that control felt fucking amazing. I don’t know what happens when your mind breaks the fire of your soul but when it finally happens, I’ll let you know. My ring tone for Andy was in the end, “in the end, who will tell the story of your life?” kept ringing as I finally came out of the dark ocean of thoughts.

“Hi.”

“Hey Ash, CC was wondering if you wanted to hang out later? He’d ask you himself but he has seem to lost his phone somewhere in the house and is trying to find it still.”

“Typical him. Haha. I don’t know, I think Jinxx is busy and he’d have to drive me and I don’t know, I don’t want to bother him.”

“I’ll pick you up, we can all go somewhere and chill for a bit and then I’ll drop you off at home or you can stay the night. Whatever you want.”

“If that’s okay with you than sure, I’ll grab some stuff. Thanks man.”


Andy knows a little bit about the bullying only because CC has had several bruises on his face that he couldn’t hide like the ones on his torso, but Andy didn’t know that I got it worse. Andy also knew that CC and I were ‘dating’ because CC told him when Andy saw us holding hands. CC literally looked at Andy after getting in the car and said, “me and ‘Ash are dating’ because if we’re dating, guys cant try to touch Ash and or harass him.”Andy completely understood and promised to not tease us…that much. Sighing I got off my bed and walked down stairs to see Jinxx sitting down at the table rubbing his head. “Hey Jinxx, Andy wanted me to go stay the night with him and CC that way I can help CC with our project for class. Andy is coming to pick me up, I thought I’d tell you so you knew what was going on.”

He nodded and returned to what he was doing. In the beginning, he would’ve cared a little bit more but because of the stuff with Sammi, he’s been mega stressed out. I understand that things aren’t looking up for his marriage but maybe if someone spent a little bit of time with me, I wouldn’t be so fucked up. I mean we went to the pierce the veil concert and that’s all he’s done with me. It was the best night of my teenage chick body. Jinxx didn’t know it but half the reason I survived the week of school was to go to that concert. When I ‘met’ Vic, I was careful to not show any thing that they could question me on. To them, I was just Jinxx’s cousin or whatever I told them I was. The short amount of time I spent with them was amazing. Jaime is so funny and being around someone like that was nice for a change instead of all the arguing I’d been around for a while. Vic was amazingly sweet and reminded me of a teddy bear the entire time. Tony was quiet and so was I, but he even managed to talk more than me. Mike was pretty cool too; he spent most of his time talking to Jaime and Jinxx about random stuff while I talked to Vic and Tony. I wore a lot of bracelets and I don’t think Vic could have seen anything but I guess having like 15 band bracelets kind of was a signal.


What’s honesty really funny was that Jinxx never noticed or said anything but Vic did. When he saw, Vic gave me a bone-crushing hug and told me that things would get better and that self-harm wasn’t the answer and even said, “darling you’ll be okay, it just takes time.” that made me cry a little bit, okay a lot of bit.I was disturbed by my phone going off and Andy texting, “I’m five minutes away, be ready.” I took that as my incentive to quickly pack a bag. I threw a pair of skinny jeans, shirt and a long sleeve t-shirt into a bag along with clean socks and my make up.

A few minutes later a text came saying that he was hear. I grabbed a pair of shoes and ran down stairs with all my stuff and said, “Andy’s here, love you Jinxx! Bye!” and then ran out to the car. Andy said, “Well that was quick.” With a wink and a smirk but all I did was shake my head. I saw him frown out of the corner of my eye. “I never thought I’d see the day when Ashley Purdy would refuse to laugh at a dirty joke.” I shrugged and said, “things change.” He shook his head and the rest of the car ride was made in silence with the slight noise from the radio in the back ground. My phone vibrated. Checking it, I saw that I had a text message from a number I didn’t know. “Hey emo bitch. We stole your boy friend’s phone and got your number. Don’t worry he has it back now.”

I sent back a message saying, “I’m sorry I think you have the wrong number.” the person sent back, “nice try bitch. Your not fucking fooling anyone.” I sent back, “what do you want?” they replied, “for you to die. A blow job. A good time (;” I replied, “leave me alone, go ask some other chick. I have a boyfriend. Fuck off.” I then put my phone on silent and ignored the phone. When we got back to Andy’s apartment, I went straight up to CC’s room and face planted onto his bed. He got up from his desk and said, “What’s wrong babe?” that’s another thing, Lauren knows about our relationship and doesn’t care that sometimes its almost real and or is real at time because she knows that when things go back to normal, she’ll have CC back that and she trusts him completely and they are both on a ‘break’ so to speak which makes everything alright I guess.

“They somehow got my number and wont stop bothering me.” I unlocked my phone and read more messages, “stop ignoring me slut!” “I want to fuck you before you kill yourself tonight.’ “I’m horny and I need someone and that someone is you.” tears formed in my eyes. CC took the phone and sent back a message saying, “I’m going to give my phone to the cops and their going to right you up for sexual harassment and I’m going to get a restraining order.” The things they responded to after that got meaner and meaner and to the point where CC took my phone, turned it off and put it in a drawer. He then put his arms around me and held me as the tears began to fall. I tried to stop them but I couldn’t. The sound of his heartbeat beating calmed me and put me to sleep. And for the first time in quite a long time, I fell asleep to silence and not arguing and it felt good.

Notes

thank you all for reading, subscribing and reviewing! it makes my day! I love getting reviews because they make me so very happy. I'm not so happy right now because I lost two people who I thought were best friends so I could use some of your love ): thank you though. reading it too is good. please don't remain a ghost forever!


~Ash