Could this be love?
Chapter Thirty-Two
Andy’s Point of View
The silence that followed Jinxx’s ultimatum was unbelievably painful. I looked up quickly from the ground, tears forming in my eyes. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t think of anything to say. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him and that Ashley meant nothing to me. I wanted to tell him that I would forget all about Ashley and cut off all contact with him if that’s what I needed to do in order to be with Jinxx. I wanted to tell him all these things but I couldn’t because I knew I would be lying and Jinxx would know that too. As much as I loved Jinxx I loved Ashley too and I couldn’t just stop. I didn’t even know if I wanted to stop loving Ashley.
Knowing that I didn’t have anything useful or even truthful to say, I shut my mouth and looked back down at the ground. Remembering that I had a smoke clutched in between my forefinger and middle finger I raised my shaky hand to my mouth and took a long drag, waiting a few seconds before blowing the smoke back out.
“Andy?” Jinxx said, breaking through my thoughts. I didn’t respond, and just took another drag from my smoke.
“Andy. Come on, don’t ignore me like that. It’s not going to make anything better.” Jinxx said, annoyance seeping into his previously soft and gentle tone.
I sighed softly and looked up. “What?”
“Do we have a deal?” He asked.
I snorted slightly at his choice of words. It was as if we were making a compromise on what we were doing for a date instead of ending our relationship. I took another long drag off my smoke, looking anywhere and everywhere except for him before answering.
“It doesn’t matter what I say. This is what you want. You just want me to say okay so you don’t feel bad about it.” My tone was unnecessarily harsh and I felt myself begin to get angry.
“You’re right. One hundred percent right. And don’t even try using that tone with me. You don’t have any fucking right to be angry with me. If anything I should be angry with you. You cheated on me Andy. You not only kissed Ashley right in front of me, but you fucked him.” He hissed. His words were like a harsh stab in the heart but he was right. Instead of calming down I just felt myself getting more and more angry. I hated that he was right.
I felt the anger building up inside of me, making it impossible to breathe, and I suddenly found myself really wanting to punch Jinxx right in the face to the point where I nearly had to physically restrain myself.
I hate you so fucking much. I’m actually relieved you’re dumping me.
I found myself thinking. I really wanted to blurt out the words but I stopped myself by biting down on my tongue to the point where I could taste blood. I couldn’t say those things because I knew they weren’t true. I loved Jinxx with all my heart and I was anything but relieved that our relationship was over.
I felt my anger slowly begin to leave, only to be replaced with sorrow and heartbreak. Tears began to fill my eyes and I took a drag off my smoke, looking down in hopes that he wouldn’t notice.
“Jinxx…” I began once I thought I had a handle on my emotions. I was wrong and suddenly I started sobbing uncontrollably. I threw my smoke on the ground and covered my face with my hands. My legs felt shaky and I thought they were about to give in at any moment when I felt Jinxx wrap his strong, protective arms around me. As I breathed in the scent of his cologne I started crying harder. I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t breath. It was all I could do to just give in and let myself cry as sobs racked my body.
“Andy, it’s okay. Baby, baby stop. You know I hate it when you cry.” Jinxx whispered into my hair as he held me, rubbing my back. I knew by the way his voice shook that he was crying too. The fact that he was crying and I knew it was my fault just made me cry harder.
I don’t know how long we stood like that, holding each other tightly as we cried, but slowly I quieted down until I finally ran out of tears. I felt empty, tired, and completely numb, which scared me a lot. The last time I had felt like that was the night of my attempted suicide. I pulled away from Jinxx, not looking him in the eye. I glanced up at him and he gave me a sad smile, his eye makeup smudged horribly. I tried to return the smile and let my gaze fall back to the ground.
I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I don’t want to lose you Jinxx. I love you a lot.” Thankfully, my voice didn’t end up shaking and tears didn’t fill my eyes, but my voice sounded dull and void of any emotion. Kind of like a teacher’s voice when they’re talking about a subject they couldn’t give two shits about. I didn’t want my voice to sound like that. I didn’t want Jinxx to think that I didn’t care. I wanted him to know that losing him was breaking my heart, but I couldn’t get my voice to show any kind of emotion because at that moment in time I literally felt nothing. I was empty and cold, like a vast prairie landscape on a freezing January night.
“I love you too. But Andy,” Jinxx paused and I felt his warm hand gently cup my face, forcing me to look at him. “This isn’t forever. “
“It isn’t?” I asked. I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him. How is a breakup not forever?
Jinxx, however, smiled slightly and shook his head. Passed the fake smile I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew how much this was hurting him. Seeing that made my numb heart throb with pain and I felt myself beginning to thaw, meaning that one little thing could cause me to start sobbing again.
“Andy, trust me. I love you more than anything and I really don’t want to lose you-”
I shook my head, confused. “Then why are you breaking up with me?”
“You know I hate it when you interrupt me. I’m breaking up with you because I think this is the best way to save our relationship. If we stay together while Ashley is here you’ll start to resent me. And don’t even try to say you wont. You love him, Andy, and I know you want to be with him. And you should.”
“But then how is that not forever?” I whispered. I felt my throat tighten and tears began to fill my eyes again.
“Because Ashley is leaving soon, and when he does I’ll be waiting for you. Like I said, if you still want me and I still want you when Ashley leaves, we can get back together. It’ll be like this breakup never even happened.”
“Why are you doing this Jinxx?”
“Because,” Jinxx’s voice shook slightly and tears started rolling down his face, “I love you so much, Andy, and I just want you to be happy. I know you love me and I make you happy, but you need to be with Ashley right now. He loves you just as much as I do, if not more.” He paused and looked down before whispering the next part, “I just want you to be happy.”
Tears started streaming down my face as I pulled Jinxx into a hug. “I love you.” I whispered into his hair.
“I love you too.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. This is my choice.” Jinxx replied.
I sighed. “But you’re doing this for me.”
“I know. And that’s my choice. ‘If you love someone, set them free…’” Jinxx whispered before trailing off.
“’If they come back, they’re yours,’”
“’If they don’t, they never were.’” Jinxx finished, pulling away from me and looking down. Tears dripped off the end of his nose.
I reached over and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at me. “I will come back.” Unsure if it was an okay thing to do, but not giving a shit I closed my eyes and leaned over to kiss him. His lips met mine in a short but emotional kiss. I pulled away and saw doubt in his eyes.
“Guys? I got the tickets…” Ashley said cautiously, stepping outside slowly, unsure if he was welcome or not. I looked away and at Jinxx.
“Go. Just remember I’ll be waiting for you.” Jinxx whispered.
“I will come back.” I whispered before running over to Ashley. I leaped into his arms, laughing at the surprised look on his face as he caught me.
“Uh, Andy…?” He started.
I smiled. “Ash, just shut up and kiss me.”
A/N: WOW WHAT A SHITTY CHAPTER. THAT ONLY TOOK ME LIKE WHAT OVER A MONTH TO WRITE. Fuck me. I’m sorry guys. I made you wait that long and look what I produced. That’s like waiting nine months for your beautiful child to be born, only to give birth to a disabled octopus-watermelon hybrid.
But yes. This is the chapter. I think the next chapter may be the last but I don’t know yet. Probably not. I want to give you guys more Andley before I end it.
As always, my lovely and very supportive readers, lemme know how I’m doing. Positive and negative feedback is welcome. :3
Also, I wrote this at like, 3:45am and didn’t read back through it because I want to get it published right now. So… If you find any parts that doesn’t make sense or ANY errors, let me know and I’ll fix them. :)
See you next chapter! I love you all. <3
Xoxoxo
The silence that followed Jinxx’s ultimatum was unbelievably painful. I looked up quickly from the ground, tears forming in my eyes. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t think of anything to say. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him and that Ashley meant nothing to me. I wanted to tell him that I would forget all about Ashley and cut off all contact with him if that’s what I needed to do in order to be with Jinxx. I wanted to tell him all these things but I couldn’t because I knew I would be lying and Jinxx would know that too. As much as I loved Jinxx I loved Ashley too and I couldn’t just stop. I didn’t even know if I wanted to stop loving Ashley.
Knowing that I didn’t have anything useful or even truthful to say, I shut my mouth and looked back down at the ground. Remembering that I had a smoke clutched in between my forefinger and middle finger I raised my shaky hand to my mouth and took a long drag, waiting a few seconds before blowing the smoke back out.
“Andy?” Jinxx said, breaking through my thoughts. I didn’t respond, and just took another drag from my smoke.
“Andy. Come on, don’t ignore me like that. It’s not going to make anything better.” Jinxx said, annoyance seeping into his previously soft and gentle tone.
I sighed softly and looked up. “What?”
“Do we have a deal?” He asked.
I snorted slightly at his choice of words. It was as if we were making a compromise on what we were doing for a date instead of ending our relationship. I took another long drag off my smoke, looking anywhere and everywhere except for him before answering.
“It doesn’t matter what I say. This is what you want. You just want me to say okay so you don’t feel bad about it.” My tone was unnecessarily harsh and I felt myself begin to get angry.
“You’re right. One hundred percent right. And don’t even try using that tone with me. You don’t have any fucking right to be angry with me. If anything I should be angry with you. You cheated on me Andy. You not only kissed Ashley right in front of me, but you fucked him.” He hissed. His words were like a harsh stab in the heart but he was right. Instead of calming down I just felt myself getting more and more angry. I hated that he was right.
I felt the anger building up inside of me, making it impossible to breathe, and I suddenly found myself really wanting to punch Jinxx right in the face to the point where I nearly had to physically restrain myself.
I hate you so fucking much. I’m actually relieved you’re dumping me.
I found myself thinking. I really wanted to blurt out the words but I stopped myself by biting down on my tongue to the point where I could taste blood. I couldn’t say those things because I knew they weren’t true. I loved Jinxx with all my heart and I was anything but relieved that our relationship was over.
I felt my anger slowly begin to leave, only to be replaced with sorrow and heartbreak. Tears began to fill my eyes and I took a drag off my smoke, looking down in hopes that he wouldn’t notice.
“Jinxx…” I began once I thought I had a handle on my emotions. I was wrong and suddenly I started sobbing uncontrollably. I threw my smoke on the ground and covered my face with my hands. My legs felt shaky and I thought they were about to give in at any moment when I felt Jinxx wrap his strong, protective arms around me. As I breathed in the scent of his cologne I started crying harder. I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t breath. It was all I could do to just give in and let myself cry as sobs racked my body.
“Andy, it’s okay. Baby, baby stop. You know I hate it when you cry.” Jinxx whispered into my hair as he held me, rubbing my back. I knew by the way his voice shook that he was crying too. The fact that he was crying and I knew it was my fault just made me cry harder.
I don’t know how long we stood like that, holding each other tightly as we cried, but slowly I quieted down until I finally ran out of tears. I felt empty, tired, and completely numb, which scared me a lot. The last time I had felt like that was the night of my attempted suicide. I pulled away from Jinxx, not looking him in the eye. I glanced up at him and he gave me a sad smile, his eye makeup smudged horribly. I tried to return the smile and let my gaze fall back to the ground.
I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I don’t want to lose you Jinxx. I love you a lot.” Thankfully, my voice didn’t end up shaking and tears didn’t fill my eyes, but my voice sounded dull and void of any emotion. Kind of like a teacher’s voice when they’re talking about a subject they couldn’t give two shits about. I didn’t want my voice to sound like that. I didn’t want Jinxx to think that I didn’t care. I wanted him to know that losing him was breaking my heart, but I couldn’t get my voice to show any kind of emotion because at that moment in time I literally felt nothing. I was empty and cold, like a vast prairie landscape on a freezing January night.
“I love you too. But Andy,” Jinxx paused and I felt his warm hand gently cup my face, forcing me to look at him. “This isn’t forever. “
“It isn’t?” I asked. I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him. How is a breakup not forever?
Jinxx, however, smiled slightly and shook his head. Passed the fake smile I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew how much this was hurting him. Seeing that made my numb heart throb with pain and I felt myself beginning to thaw, meaning that one little thing could cause me to start sobbing again.
“Andy, trust me. I love you more than anything and I really don’t want to lose you-”
I shook my head, confused. “Then why are you breaking up with me?”
“You know I hate it when you interrupt me. I’m breaking up with you because I think this is the best way to save our relationship. If we stay together while Ashley is here you’ll start to resent me. And don’t even try to say you wont. You love him, Andy, and I know you want to be with him. And you should.”
“But then how is that not forever?” I whispered. I felt my throat tighten and tears began to fill my eyes again.
“Because Ashley is leaving soon, and when he does I’ll be waiting for you. Like I said, if you still want me and I still want you when Ashley leaves, we can get back together. It’ll be like this breakup never even happened.”
“Why are you doing this Jinxx?”
“Because,” Jinxx’s voice shook slightly and tears started rolling down his face, “I love you so much, Andy, and I just want you to be happy. I know you love me and I make you happy, but you need to be with Ashley right now. He loves you just as much as I do, if not more.” He paused and looked down before whispering the next part, “I just want you to be happy.”
Tears started streaming down my face as I pulled Jinxx into a hug. “I love you.” I whispered into his hair.
“I love you too.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. This is my choice.” Jinxx replied.
I sighed. “But you’re doing this for me.”
“I know. And that’s my choice. ‘If you love someone, set them free…’” Jinxx whispered before trailing off.
“’If they come back, they’re yours,’”
“’If they don’t, they never were.’” Jinxx finished, pulling away from me and looking down. Tears dripped off the end of his nose.
I reached over and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at me. “I will come back.” Unsure if it was an okay thing to do, but not giving a shit I closed my eyes and leaned over to kiss him. His lips met mine in a short but emotional kiss. I pulled away and saw doubt in his eyes.
“Guys? I got the tickets…” Ashley said cautiously, stepping outside slowly, unsure if he was welcome or not. I looked away and at Jinxx.
“Go. Just remember I’ll be waiting for you.” Jinxx whispered.
“I will come back.” I whispered before running over to Ashley. I leaped into his arms, laughing at the surprised look on his face as he caught me.
“Uh, Andy…?” He started.
I smiled. “Ash, just shut up and kiss me.”
A/N: WOW WHAT A SHITTY CHAPTER. THAT ONLY TOOK ME LIKE WHAT OVER A MONTH TO WRITE. Fuck me. I’m sorry guys. I made you wait that long and look what I produced. That’s like waiting nine months for your beautiful child to be born, only to give birth to a disabled octopus-watermelon hybrid.
But yes. This is the chapter. I think the next chapter may be the last but I don’t know yet. Probably not. I want to give you guys more Andley before I end it.
As always, my lovely and very supportive readers, lemme know how I’m doing. Positive and negative feedback is welcome. :3
Also, I wrote this at like, 3:45am and didn’t read back through it because I want to get it published right now. So… If you find any parts that doesn’t make sense or ANY errors, let me know and I’ll fix them. :)
See you next chapter! I love you all. <3
Xoxoxo
But....why won't he ever see Andy again?
Andy says he's going to go on and be strong....but is something going to happen to Ashley?
I'm going to quote a song and write an ending in my head...."love will find a way just give it time"
12/7/15