Ashley’s Point of View

It had been two hours since I agreed to go on a date with Sandra and I was still staring up at the shadowed ceiling. Sleep wasn’t even an option anymore even though I was exhausted. How could I sleep when guilt was tying my stomach into painful knots? I couldn’t, it was impossible.

One question kept running through my mind. With every breath that I took, with every beat of my heart, the question was there, burning a hole into my brain.

Why the fuck did I agree to go on a date with Sandra?

Because you’re an ass hole. My brain hissed at me. You’re hurt because of Andy and you’re tired of it. You want to get over Andy so you’re using one of your friends to do it, even though you know you don’t like her that way. You know full well that she may end up getting hurt in the end, but you don’t care. You’re selfish.

“I do care. I don’t want her to get hurt.” I whispered quietly. My brain just laughed.

Then tell her you can’t go. Tell her you made a mistake. It told me.

I sighed heavily and rolled over to grab my phone, but as I was dialing her number I froze. I couldn’t do it. Not because it would hurt her, but because I was too scared. Too selfish.

“Fuck.” I said quietly. After a moment, I opened up Facebook, willing my brain to shut up. There wasn’t anything interesting happening, just a few statuses from people whining about how they couldn’t sleep, a few girls moaning about being single, a couple statuses saying goodnight even though no one cared, but nothing that could take my mind away from my self-created problem at hand. That is, until I scrolled down farther and saw a status from Sandra.

“So excited about tomorrow! This year is finally starting to turn around.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

I clamped a hand over my mouth, realising that I had screamed. Tears started rolling down my face. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I couldn’t lead Sandra on like this, but I was too chicken and too selfish to do anything about it.

One thing I did know was that I needed to sleep, but I couldn’t do that with all these thoughts running through my head. I groaned and rolled over, turning on my lamp. I started digging through my bedside drawer until my hand found it. My mother’s blue wedding ring box. I opened it slowly, the all too familiar feeling building up in my body, causing my hands to shake.

My razor glistened in the light of the lamp, sending chills shooting through me. I picked it up with my thumb and forefinger gently. It was sharp since I had changed the blade the morning I had ended up in the hospital. It was brand new and unused so it was deadly and would cause a lot of damage, which is exactly what I wanted.

Without hesitating any longer, I rolled up my long sleeved shirt and took the blade to my wrist. I dragged the blade along my wrist slowly. It hurt more this way, and I deserved all the pain I could get. The pain ended up being too much though and I stopped cutting. I let out a small cry of disgust, realising that the cut was barely bleeding. I needed more pain and more blood. That’s when I remembered the bottle of whiskey I had hidden in my wardrobe.

I carefully put my razor down on my beside table and walked over to my wardrobe. Opening the door, I paused. Isn’t this how Andy had attempted suicide? By getting drunk and cutting endlessly?

I shrugged it off though, remembering that he had also taken a fuck load of pills as well. That, and he had actually wanted to die. That was his main goal in the end. I didn’t want to die though; I just wanted to get some fucking sleep.

With that thought in mind, I bent down and started to shift around some discarded clothes at the bottom of the wardrobe until my hand was wrapped around the neck of the whiskey bottle. I pulled it out and walked back over to my bed, clutching the bottle protectively in my arms. I twisted off the cap as I sat down and took a swig. The bitterness of the whiskey caused me to gag slightly as the liquid burned my throat all the way down. However, I ignored it and took another swig. And another. And another. With each sip the burning and the taste lessened and I was soon able to drink it with no problem.

Not long after, the once full bottle was half empty and I was beginning to feel numb. I smiled slightly to myself and screwed the lid back onto the bottle with some difficulty. I slowly put the bottle on the nightstand with a loud thump and picked up my razor carefully, still managing to cut my thumb in the process. I stopped and watched a drop of blood leak from the shallow cut. I brushed it away quickly and brought the razor to my wrist.

My first cut was long, ragged, and deep and the blood instantly started pouring from it. The blood that ran quickly down my arm and dripped quietly onto the floor was dark red, so I wasn’t worried. Dark red blood meant I had only cut a vein, not an artery.

“Which is good.” I whispered, slurring my words slightly. I mean I just wanted the guilt to go away, I didn’t want to die. Or did I?

I no longer knew the answer to that question.


Andy’s Point of View

The idea of sleep slowly started to fade as the night ticked on. I was tired as fuck, but I couldn’t fall asleep, not even with Jinxx cuddled right next to me. Every single damn night since my attempted suicide I’ve been having nightmares that kept me from sleep, which is why my parents started allowing Jinxx to stay the night; they were sick of me screaming and crying at stupid hours. Having my boyfriend sleeping next to me had helped for a while, but recently the nightmares had started coming back worse than ever.

I rolled over so I was on my stomach and faced Jinxx. I smiled slightly as I watched him sleep and I couldn’t help but think about how cute he looked. His mouth was slightly open as he breathed deeply, his long dark hair was an absolute mess, and he looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to wake him, but then again I didn’t want to be the only one awake.

“Jinxx.” I whispered. He didn’t move and I rolled my eyes. Fuck, he was such a heavy sleeper.

“Jinxx.” I tried again, a little louder. A small snore was my only response.

“Oh, for fuck sakes. Jinxx!” I said, shaking him. He jumped and sat up.

“What? Andy? What is it? Did you have another nightmare?” He asked, sleep and worry making his voice husky. If I said his sleep-filled voice didn’t turn me on, I’d be a fucking liar.

I shook my head. “No. I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Jesus Christ Andy, it’s four in the morning.” He groaned.

“Huh, is it really?” I asked, smirking slightly. I moved my hand towards his leg slowly, my fingers tickling his bare thigh. “Well, you know, I’m not exactly tired, but I know a way for you to
make me tired, baby.”

“What?” Jinxx asked, clearly confused. He ran a hand through his hair and over his face before stopping, finally understanding what I meant. “What? No, Andy. We talked about this before, it’s too soon.”

“Oh, come on Jinxx. We’ve been dating for a while and I really to be inside of you, now.” I moaned, feeling myself growing hard. My blunt statement shocked me slightly, but I was also turned on by the idea of fucking Jinxx. I never pictured myself as a top but never say never I guess.

“Andy, we’ve haven’t even been together for a month, okay? That’s not a while. Please let me go back to sleep.”

I sighed as I watched him lay down. “Fine. I’m going for a smoke.” I said, feeling a little bit hurt by his rejection. “I love you.”

“Kay. And Andy?” Jinxx replied, yawning.

“Hmm?”

“I love you more baby.”

I smiled slightly as I leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips. I pulled away and saw him close his eyes smiling to himself. Already, I felt my hurt and annoyance slipping away. Jinxx had that affect on me, and I loved him for it.

I rolled out of the bed and grabbed some sweat pants and a sweater to pull on. As I was tugging on the sweater, Jinxx’s soft snores filled my room and I felt my face break into a soft smile. God
I loved him.

I walked out of the door and closed it behind me quietly, not wanting to wake Jinxx, or my parents, up. I slowly made my way downstairs and to the kitchen, where I grabbed my cigarette pack off the counter and shoved it into my sweater pocket.

One of the things I loved most about my parents is that I didn’t have to hide my smoking habit from them. They weren’t too happy when they found out I started, but they knew they couldn’t do anything about it since it was my own life. They made it very clear they were disappointed and they weren’t going to support my habit by buying me smokes or anything, but that was about it.

I slipped my shoes onto my bare feet and quietly opened the door and stepped out, shutting the door behind me. I sat on the front steps and lit my smoke, wishing I had someone to talk to, but who the hell would be awake at four in the morning?

Sandra would be passed out for sure, so would CC and Jake. Ashley however…

“Ashley’s always awake.” I whispered to no one in particular, pulling my phone out of my pocket. I dialed his number and waited. After four rings I was beginning to give up hope that he was awake, or he was awake and was just ignoring me. However, he did eventually pick up, sounding very intoxicated.

“Hello?”

“Hey Ash, it’s Andy.” I replied awkwardly.

I heard him sigh. “What do you want? I’m busy.”

“Ash, are you drunk?”

“So what if I am?” He asked sounding extremely annoyed.

“Well… Are you like, at a party or something?”

“No, Andy. I’m not.” He said bluntly. Well, as bluntly one can sound when you’re slurring all your words.

“You’re drinking by yourself?” I asked, getting more worried as the conversation continued.

Ashley sighed again. “Is this why you called, Andrew? To harass me about what I do in my spare time?”

I paused. “No. I called to talk to you because I can’t sleep, but now I’m just worried about you.”

“No need to worry. I’m not like you, I don’t get drunk and try to kill myself.” Ashley said.

For that, I had no answer. Did he seriously just say that to me? I considered telling him to go fuck himself and just hang up on him, but decided against it. He needed someone.

“Can I come over?” I asked after a moment’s silence.

“What? No you cannot come over.” He slurred.

“Please Ashley?”

“No.”

“Pleeeeeease?” I whined.

Ashley paused for a moment before replying. “No. I’m busy.”

I sighed and was about to say ‘fuck it, whatever’ when I heard him mutter something he probably didn’t want me to hear.

“Ow, fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

“Ashley… What are you doing?” I asked, now extremely worried.

“Nothing.” He said. I heard some shuffling, drawers being opened and the water being turned on. Then I heard him hiss in pain.

“Ash,” I said as calmly as I could even though I could feel panic building up inside of me. “Ash, are you cutting yourself?”

Ashley didn’t reply for a moment. I heard him moan a bit and I considered repeating the question when he finally spoke up. “So what if I was Andrew? What’s it to you? Why do you care?”

I took a sharp breath to calm myself. “I’m coming over.” I said before hanging up the phone, standing up, and sprinting as fast as I could to Ashley’s house.


Ashley’s Point of View

I swore when Andy hung up the phone. Why couldn’t that little shit just leave me alone? I sighed heavily and placed my phone down on the bathroom counter and turned my attention to the problem at hand.

Talking to Andy on the phone had caused so many emotions to run through my body: happiness, shock, hurt, betrayal, anger, sadness, hatred. It had caused me to slip over the edge and cut too deep, but as I watched my blood turn the water red, I knew I would be fine. The blood was still crimson and not the shockingly bright red colour of blood that flows in arteries. If only the damn cut would just stop bleeding.

Finally, the bleeding did slow down enough for me to pull my wrist out of the freezing water. I grabbed a facecloth already stained with my blood, and gently put it on my wrist, hissing as I applied pressure. I heard a knock on my bedroom window and sighed, deciding to ignore it. However, that soon proved impossible when the knocking became panicked, more frequent, and louder.

“For fuck sakes.” I muttered. With the facecloth still pressed firmly to my wrist, I made my way
to my window to open it for Andy.

“What?” I asked, backing away slightly to let him in.

“Uh, hi.” Andy said, attempting to climb in. I watched his pathetic attempts for a few minutes before sighing and going over to help him.

“Thanks.” He muttered when he finally got inside. He turned to shut the window as I stood there watching him, highly irritated.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“To see if you’re okay. I was worried.” He said simply. “Give me your arm.”

“What? No. I’m fine. Just slipped.” I said, pulling my arm away so he couldn’t grab it.

“Ashley, just fucking give me your arm.” Andy hissed. I blinked, shocked at his semi outburst and held out my arm, facecloth still on the cut. Andy gently removed the cloth and I heard him take a sharp breath, but as he wiped gently at the cut, removing the worst of the blood, I saw him relax.

“See, I told you it wasn’t that bad.” I slurred, still pretty intoxicated from the whiskey.

“Yeah, you did.” Andy muttered quietly. “Where’s your stuff?”

Using my head, I pointed to the bathroom, knowing right away by ‘stuff’ he meant my Band-Aids, gauze, and ointment.

“Hold this.” He said, handing me back the cloth and letting go of my arm. “Keep pressure on it. Don’t want it to start bleeding again.” He continued as he started to walk towards the bathroom.

I rolled my eyes but did what he demanded. A few seconds later, he walked back over to me.

“Come sit down on the bed.” Andy said, already sitting down. I sighed and did as he told me to.

As he was fixing up the worst of the cuts I heard him sigh. “Why would you do this Ashley? Is it about moving to London?”

I shrugged, but didn’t answer right away. He didn’t pressure me to continue either, which I was thankful for. “Somewhat. I just wanted to sleep but the guilt wouldn’t let me.”

“Guilt?” Andy asked, looking up at me. His blue eyes bore into mine and for a second I forgot to breath. I looked down after a moment so I would be able to talk.

“Yes. I-I agreed to go on a date with Sandra tomorrow before we all hang out.”

“Well that’s good! Finally putting yourself back out there!” Andy said smiling. He looked back down and continued wrapping my cuts.

“No, it’s not good. It’s selfish of me.”

“How?”

“I don’t like her that way.”

“It’s just a date Ash, you never know.”

Instantly, I felt myself getting annoyed. “No. I do know. You know why? Because I’m still in love with you, Andrew.”

Andy stopped what he was doing again and looked back up at me, his face unreadable. “So you’re feeling guilty because you know you don’t like her?” He asked.

I nodded. “And because I know full well that I’m using her.”

“Using her?” Andy asked. His voice had a hint of anger in it because of how much he loved and cared about Sandra. He had told me many times before that he considered Sandra the sister he never had.

I nodded again. “To get over you.” I answered quietly. “It hurts so much Andy.”

He was silent for a moment before he looked away from me. “I know.”

“How do you know? You dumped me and you have Jinxx now.”

“But I never stopped loving you.” Andy said quietly.

“What?”

He looked back up at me, his eyes full of tears. “I said I never stopped loving you. I still love you Ashley, and it kills me.”

I didn’t know what to say. What could you say when your ex boyfriend that you’re still madly in love with admitted to still loving you? So I did the only thing that my intoxicated mind could think of. I leaned over and kissed him.

Andy froze, hands still on my wrist. My kiss wasn’t returned so I pulled away, hurt and guilt forming a pit in my stomach. I felt tears form in my eyes and I looked away.

“Andy, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean it-”

“Of course you meant it.” Andy said quietly, cutting my off. I didn’t look up.

“I guess. I just… fuck, I don’t know what to say. I’m sor-”

“Ash,” Andy interrupted me again. “For the love of fucking God, shut the fuck up.”

I felt his hand grip my chin roughly, forcing me to look up. When I did, his lips met mine in a rough and passionate kiss. I snaked my hands around his waist, pulling him in closer and I felt him moan softly against my mouth. His hands began to intertwine with my hair and I felt his tongue lick the bottom of my lip, asking permission to enter. I granted him access and felt myself melt as his tongue explored my mouth. Andy tasted amazing; he tasted of peppermint and cigarette smoke. I didn’t like the taste of cigarette much, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. To me, the taste of cigarettes reminded me of the taste of Andy, a taste I have been craving for weeks.

Andy broke the kiss and pulled away, pecking my lips twice before scrunching up his nose.
“You taste like alcohol.”

I chuckled. “You taste like cigarettes.”

He laughed slightly before looking directly at me, making me shift uncomfortably. “What are you staring at?”

“You. I just… fuck Ashley. I missed you.”

I felt myself blush and looked down. “I missed you too Andy.”

We fell into an uncomfortable silence before Andy cleared his throat. “So… Do you have anymore alcohol?”

I laughed, nodding.

“Want to offer your guest some then?” He asked playfully. “Gosh, Ash. You’re such a horrible host.”

I laughed and hit him gently on the arm. “You’re an uninvited guest, you dildo.”

“Dildo?” He cried softly, obviously mocking me. “That hurts.”

“Shut up.” I snickered. “It was the best I could come up with.”

I reached over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that was still sat upon my bedside table.
“Here. I don’t have any glasses, so I guess you’re just going to have to deal.”

Andy chuckled. “I’m sure I’ll manage.”

——

“Asssssssshley. I’m drunk. You got me drunk.” Andy whined from his spot on my bed. I rolled over so I was leaning on my hand to face him.

“Oh please. You got yourself drunk. You’ve drank almost all of this by yourself!” I chuckled.

“It was only half full when I got it!” He said, trying to defend himself.

I just shrugged and laughed. “Pass it here.”

Andy handed over the bottle and I brought it up to my lips to take a swig. I heard Andy moan softly from beside me and looked over at him.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just, fucking hell. You’re so fucking hot Ash. You’re turning me on.”

“By drinking out of a bottle?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Andy shrugged. “I’m drunk, leave me alone. I get turned on easier when I’m wasted.”

“Oh,” I said playfully. “You want me to leave you alone? That’s too bad.”

Andy looked at me for a second, his eyes unfocused. “Get your ass over here, Purdy.”

I smiled and scooted closer to him. Instantly, his mouth was on mine again in a sloppy, eager kiss. I returned it willingly, moving my mouth with his. Not long after I felt his tongue against my lips and I opened my mouth. This time though, instead of making me melt, the feeling of his tongue turned me on. I wanted him, badly.

Almost as if he read my mind, he whispered, “I want you Purdy. Now.”

In a moment I was on top of him, his crotch rubbing with mine, our kiss never breaking.

“Holy fuck, Andrew.” I breathed. “You’re really turned on.”

“So are you.” He replied, bringing his hand down to my crotch and rubbing it hard with his palm.
I moaned loudly. He continued for a moment before stopping and making eye contact with me.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asked, his eyes filled with lust.

“No.”

“That’s a good boy.” Andy’s voice was rough and I felt my pants grow tighter. In a moment, I was flipped over so that Andy was on top of me, sucking and kissing my neck. Even in my drunken state, I couldn’t believe this was happening. Deep down I knew this was wrong, that we should stop, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. When I was with Andy, nothing else seemed to matter.

Something tugging at the bottom of my shirt pulled me away from my thoughts. I looked down and realised Andy was trying to take it off. I batted his hands away gently and pulled off my shirt, reveling my many cuts and scars.

He didn’t seem to mind though, and leaned down to continue sucking on my neck.

“I love you.” He whispered quietly as he began making his way down my body.

“I love you too.” I moaned as he started to kiss my stomach. He stopped when he reached my ‘Outlaw’ scar and looked up at me.

“Ashley…” He started.

“Stop.” I said quickly, cutting him off. “I was in a really bad place. I had just lost you and-”

“You have me now baby.” He whispered as he started kissing the scared letters on my stomach.

“No, Jinxx has you.” I said quietly. Again, Andy stopped to look at me.

“Tonight, lets forget about him. Tonight, it’s just you and me.”

In a moment, I felt his fingers at the edge of my sleep pants, but that’s where he stopped. It was almost as if he was asking permission. I looked down and smiled, giving a small nod of my head. Andy returned my smile and slowly pulled down my pants.

I didn’t even have time to be self-conscious because in a heartbeat, his mouth was wrapped firmly around my dick. He started bobbing his head quickly and I let out a loud moan. After a few more bobs, he took me out of his mouth and kissed the tip, teasing me.

“Tell me how much you want me.” He whispered.

“There are no words to describe how much I want you.” I replied, moaning softly as he continued kissing my length.

“Then tell me with you moans.”

And just like that, I was back in his mouth. He started to softly hum as he continued sucking, the vibrations causing waves of pleasure to course through my body.

“Fu-fuck A-andy.”

“Don’t cum yet. Don’t cum until I tell you to.” He replied, his voice husky.

So he’s a top. I found myself thinking, and that thought turned me on even more.

“Andy, I can’t… Just… Oh my god, please just fuck me.”

“As you wish.” Andy said seductively. He stood up and pulled off his sweat pants and boxers and his length made me gasp quietly.

“You like what you see?” Andy chuckled.

“You know I do.”

He got on my bed and started to crawl towards me when I groaned. “Wait, fuck.”

“What?”

“Lube.” I replied, standing up. I walked over to my wardrobe and kneeled, digging around until I finally found it. I stood up and walked over to him.

“Here.”

“Is it your first time?” Andy asked suddenly, taking the lube from me.

“No. I’ve done it once before with a guy. Why else would I have lube?” I chucked.

Andy laughed. “Yeah, I guess. Stupid question.”

“Is it yours?”

“Kinda. I fooled around with a guy a couple years ago. We never went all the way though.”

I nodded and laid back on the bed.

“Ready?” He asked. I just nodded in response. Andy put a little lube on my entrance and on his fingers and tossed the bottle somewhere on the bed. I felt him slowly push one finger inside of me and I moaned quietly. He started to roll his finger around, stretching me and I arched my back. He slowly pushed another finger inside of me and started scissoring.

“Holy fuck Andy.” I moaned quietly.

“Are you sure this isn’t your first time? You’re really tight.”

I just nodded, unable to say anything else. He pushed a third finger in and started moving faster until he got up to a decent pace. My moans were more frequent, louder.

“An-Andy, fuck me.”

I felt his fingers leave me and he shifted so that he was on top of me, positioning himself.

“Are you ready?” He asked quietly.

“Yes.”

“Good.” He whispered as he pushed himself inside of me.




A/N: I’m just going to stop there haha. That was so awkward to write.
I’m also really sorry I haven’t updated faster! I’ve just been really busy with work and online courses and stuff. I’ll try to update quicker in the future.
As always, my lovely friends, tell me what you thought of the chapter (or how you’re liking the story thus far.) Even if your opinion is negative, please let me know. Any kind of feedback make me a happy writer.
See you next chapter!
Love you all. xoxo