When I left, I thought it would be easy. I thought that I would forget everything that had happened, the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips, I thought that I would get over him... I only knew him for one week... but I could still feel him on my lips and his kisses on my body. 10 years on and I still lie staring at the ceiling trying to forget him, trying to put him out of my mind, but no matter how hard I try, every time I close my eyes he's all I see. Why do I feel this way? I closed my eyes felt the tears run down the side of my face into my ears as I pictured his smile in my mind, the heartbreaking half smile which once belonged to me, that he gave to millions of girls every night now, as they screamed his name. I just wanted those perfect lips to kiss my cheeks again as he wiped away my tears and promised that everything would be ok.
I sat up in my bed and looked around the empty room. Before I'd met Andy I found peace in emptiness... now I felt a heart shattering loneliness whenever I was alone. I looked at doors expecting them to burst open and him to take me up in his arms, giving me desperate kisses begging me to never leave him again... I had played that scene over and over in my head like a broken movie reel... knowing that I would never feel his touch again. I had tortured myself like this every night for 10 years. I hugged my knees into my chest and felt as more tears ran down my face and onto my chest.
I stayed like that until the moonlight shining through my window turned to sunlight, when I finally dragged myself from my bed and into the bathroom to splash my face with cold water and remove the puffiness from my eyes. I looked up into the mirror, I didn't even recognise myself anymore. I had lost so much weight through the depression that my hipbones and my ribs were now visible, the purple bags under my eyes were a permanent facial feature now along with the sad downward turn of my lips. I was only 27 but the way I had felt over the last few years had left me looking at least 10 years older. I pulled on my work uniform and tied my hair back in a simple pony tail, looking back at me from the mirror was the old haggard woman I had grown so familiar with. The programme of protection that I had been placed in to escape my mom had moved me halfway across the country to California on the west coast and I had changed so much in ways that I never thought I would. I had long given up on my dream of music... Andy would live it out for both of us. I now went by the name of Rebecca James. The me that everyone had known, had died in Andy's arms on that night.
I left my apartment and walked to work slowly, looking at the pavement, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, incase I saw someone who even remotely resembled him. I walked into the Target and into the Starbucks Coffee shop section where I worked, put on my apron and started to pour the coffee into the machine. Lucy the new intern suddenly came rushing up to me, with a wide smile spread across her face, practically jumping up and down.
"Please, Becky! You have to let me take the next customers!" I looked over to the counter and dropped the mug I was holding as my hand sprung up to my mouth. I dropped to the floor hiding behind the counter, gasping from the pain that had taken over as bits of broken ceramic pierced the skin of my hand, as tears ran down my cheeks and my whole body trembled. I was going crazy. I'd done this before, seeing him everywhere... he'd never looked that real before though. I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight and the walls were closing in. Lucy was looking down at me in a panic, clearly thinking something was wrong, when I heard his voice and my heart felt like it stopped.
"Is everything ok? You look worried?" I could hear the smile in his voice. What was he doing here? I shook my head as Lucy looked down at me, she clearly didn't understand though, as she looked back at him.
"My co-worker, I think she's having a panic attack or something?!" I saw her head turn watching him, and I could hear his boots as they clicked against the floor, moving towards the counter door. I watched as it swung open through my blurred vision and looked towards the floor putting my head down and out of his view, the tears kept coming though. He leant down next to me, close enough to smell. He still smelt the same, of cigarettes and aftershave, I inhaled deeply taking in the smell from the past making my chest feel like it had caved in on itself, only bringing more overwhelming emotions in the form of gasps for air and tears. I felt his hands slide under my armpits as he pulled me up... his strong hands, the hands of the man who had saved my life in ways that he would never understand. His touch, gentle but firm. I never imagined I'd feel his touch again and now I was. My body had changed so much I knew he would never remember me feeling like this when he used to touch me. He pulled me over to one of the tables and sat me down and handed me a glass of water which Lucy had ran over to get. I reached out my hand, forgetting momentarily that there was a piece of mug stuck in my hand until a shooting pain ran up my arm. He grabbed my wrist gently and held my palm still as he quickly picked out the ceramic, inspected it quickly then pressed a napkin to the gash across my skin to soak up the blood. He gave me the glass in the other hand and I took a sip. My sobbing slowly stopped but the tears were still coming hard and fast from my eyes as he gently rubbed comforting circles on my back.
"Are you okay?" He asked quietly and I nodded quietly, not looking at him, I heard his throaty laugh next to me, making the tears come faster. One drop landed on my hand and before I could wipe it away he swiped his thumb across it. I watched as his hand moved closer to my face and he hooked his finger under my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. "Hey, don't be cry--" He stopped in his tracks as he looked at my face. His eyes were just as I remembered, shining blue as the confusion crossed his face and his smile disappeared and his mouth began mouthing the word 'no' repeatedly. Tears began welling in his eyes as he sat and stared at me, then he said it.
"Princess?" his voice was pained and he was beginning to choke. At the sound of my old nickname I winced, it had been so long since I had heard him say that word. He blinked a few times and shook his head, thinking I was a trick of the light expecting me to disappear. I closed my eyes as more tears ran down my face and I felt his fingertips reach out and gently touch my cheeks, running them down to my lips. I opened my eyes to see him crying just as much as I was only there was a smile on his face as he stroked my face. I couldn't hold myself back anymore, this was what I had been waiting for for 10 years, ignoring the pain in my hand I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him in to kiss me...
Then I woke up... and my heart was ripped from my chest.

Notes

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