*Adylen's POV*

Its been about a week since Alan slept with me & kissed me. We still haven't talked, i planned on doing that tonight after therapy. Since this was the last time Jinxx needed to drive me to my therapy session, i slid in the car next to him. I took a cigarette out of my pack from the floor. I lit it up & took a long drag.

'Are you ready for this session?'

Jinxx asked me. I thought about that for a second. Was i going to be ready for this session? Was i ready for this session? I don't know, i honestly couldn't answer him at the moment.

'I don't know actually. I can't give you a straight answer right now.'

I said, taking another long drag off of the cigarette that would be the death of me in the long run. I blew my smoke out of the window & threw the remaining but out. We pulled into the parking lot to the therapist's office & it fell quiet, i never knew what to expect when i came here. We walked in & signed in. Jinxx took his spot in his usual chair in the waiting room while i walked in to Dorctor Marshalls office.

'Hello, sweetie. How are you today?'

She asked in a very sweet tone. In the course of the week i'd been coming here, i've come to like Dr. Marshalls.

'I'm doing okay, & yourself?'

I asked. She just nodded her response like she always did.

'So we're going to start right off with the questions today, my dear.'

She said in that lovely voice of hers. I just nodded while she looked at the sheet of questions she had written down.

'Um, you felt like you had no motivation to do anything. You didn't want to get out of bed, eat, anything. Why was this? These things are all things i've heard from your doctor, so if i'm wrong, correct me, please.'

She said. I took a second to think of the answer to the question. Every session with Dr. Marshalls was an emotional one. She made me open my eyes & think about the past. She never made me forget, but she made me realize that i've worked my ass off to work away from the things i've done in the past. I started to answer the question.

'No, you weren't wrong in any way. It's just that there's different bits & pieces to it. My depression was getting so bad that when i woke up in the morning, i didn't even want to get up. I wanted to stay asleep. I wanted to stay in my bed all day because i felt like i was worthless to everyone. So towards the end, that's what i did. I stayed in my bed all day, everyday. I didn't get up unless i needed to pee. I wouldn't eat because i felt like if i ate that i would get fat, & no one wanted a fat girl. I never realized until the day i had a heart to heart with Max that i was so skinny. I just had no motivation for anything..'

I said letting a sigh escape my lips. She looked at me with sympathy. I don't know what it was but ever since i started coming to these sessions, i had a connection with my therapist. She understood, i don't know how, but she did. She continued to search for a question to ask me, we always went through them scattered.

'It's a rough topic for you, the topic of your parents.. If you're comfortable with talking about it, will you tell me everything you feel on that situation.'

I tensed up. I hated talking about my parents because it was a rough situation for me, but therapy was a time where you're supposed to open up, you know?

'My parents.. Okay, i want to say that they never cared, but i believe that they did at one point. I believe that when Jinxx & i were kids they cared about us because that's when we were small & cute & fun & we needed a lot of attention. But once we started to get older it changed. Plus it didn't help that we were so different in age, so once i was born, all the attention Jinxx once got, went away because i needed it. I wish things could have been different but i know for a fact that they couldn't have been. My parents were the kind of parents that did what they had to do to put the food in our mouths. Sometimes they didn't even buy us clothes because they didn't support the style we liked. Jinxx got a job & made his own way of buying clothes & once he got into the band, when i was a teenager which i still am, he was buying me clothes because i would refuse to wear the clothes that my mom would buy for me. It got to the point where i would sit in my room all day. They were never home anyways. When Jinxx wasn't on tour, he'd come over everyday & spend time with me & leave about an hour before they got home. They weren't parents & they absolutely hated both of us. I don't understand how you can just abandon your kid, feel completely comfortable with letting them go. They haven't even called.. Not one call or text.. Nothing. I want to say that i don't care but i'd be lying a lot.'

I finished up my answer with tears streaming down my face & the last sentence breaking. The fact that my parents didn't give a shit about my tore me up inside. I wiped the tears from my eyes while Dr. Marshalls was searching her paper for another question.

'You felt alone, what does that mean exactly?'

She asked. When she said that we were going to be getting into deep questions, i didn't know that she meant this deep. I wasn't sure if i was ready for it, but i guess i better get ready.

'I felt alone. It's gonna be hard to explain this. But, i could be at a concert with millions of people around, & i could still feel alone. I could still feel an empty void in my chest. I still felt like no one was around me, i still felt like no one cared, like no one wanted me. & They say that when you're at a rock concert is when you're supposed to feel like you're at home... I just felt so alone. & To be completely honest, that feeling of being alone hasn't completely gone away yet. It's getting there, though.'

I said, wanting to make the answer short. I didn't really know how to answer that question.. I felt alone in a room full of people. That's the best way to describe it. She started to ask another question.

'Why was suicide the best way out for you?'

This was the question that i was dreading being asked, this was the question i was dreading answering, & this was the question i was dreading asking myself. Because in honesty, i don't know.

'Suicide was the best way out. That's how I'm going to start this statement because it was at the time. At the time, in my mind, no one cared about me. I was ugly, fat, worthless, helpless, hopeless, useless. No one wanted me. No one could love a girl with scars on her body right? That's the way i thought. I was so tired of being alone that i thought if i killed myself...'

I trailed off with that sentence & began a new one.

'I wanted to die so bad. I didn't want to have to wake up every morning. I didn't want to have to pain my family with the burden of me. I didn't want to have to look at myself every morning because all i ever saw was a failure. Ugliness. There was a void in my chest. It's kind of unexplainable beyond this point. I just wanted it to all be over...'

I said with tears rushing down my face. Then i experienced something new. Dr. Marshalls got up & sat next to me. She faced me & put her legs on the chair, crossing them.

'I know this, as well, is a touchy subject. I know that you got bullied in school. Will you tell me about that?'

Well, fuck. The words immidiately flooded to my brain. The tears threatened to pour right away & right as the first word left my mouth, so did the first tear.

'No one liked me. From the second i started elementary school. I don't know why. It was always just name calling. Then once i got to the 6th & 7th grade it was tripping & shoving. Once 8th grade hit, it was the name calling, tripping, shoving, & spitting. But the names got worse. Who knew that 8th graders could say things so bad? Once i went into my freshman year, i was 14. Jinxx was buying me my clothes because i didn't want to wear the skimpy little outfits that my mother had bought me. I walked into school on the first day in ripped black skinny jeans, a Black Veil Brides T- shirt, black combat boots, a black beanie, pocket chains, 00 gauges, my septum pierced, & my left side of my lip pierced. The girls at that school hated me from the second i walked in. I already had self esteem issues, but they made it worse. I was the emo cow. The dyke. The fag. The slut. Whore. I needed to slit my wrists & die. I needed to kill myself already. That went on all year long. But that didn't stop sophomore year when i came back with even more piercings. & now i'll have to start junior year. I don't know what's gonna happen. But i wanted it all to end at school too.'

I said, ending my speech about bullying at school.

'Well, i hears from a little bird named Jinxx that you & a certain Alan Ashby have a little something going on?'

Dr. Marshalls said to cheer me up. But she also wanted to know, speaking of that, i was at 1 hour 45 minutes. I was leaving early so i didn't have to talk to her about this.

'Nothing official.'

I said to her as i stood up & walked out of the door. When i reached Jinxx, he stood up & we went to the car.

'Maybe we're just having too much funnnnnnnnnn! Maybe you can handle yourself!'

We sang along to PTV the entire way home. Once we got there, it was time to talk to Alan.. I walked into the house & swallowed my fear.

'Alan, can i talk to you..?'

I asked with a shaky voice. Alan, who was sitting on the couch on his phone, looked up at me with a smile. That smile. That smile could take down a small village. Shit, i need to stop getting worked up & go talk to him. I walked into my room & shut the door right before he could walk in. He understood that i wanted to change out of my jeans & tank top into more comfortable clothes, so I'm assuming that he waiting outside of the door. I changed into a BOTFD shirt that fit loosely on my torso & a pair of Black Veil Brides pajama pants with some unicorn slippers. I walked over to my door & opened it slightly, the lump in my throat re-occurring.

'You can come in now, Alan.'

I said, working up the courage i knew i needed to have.

'What did you need to talk to me about, baby girl?'

Alan asked with that smile. There he goes with that smile again. Why the fuck must he always use that smile against me. Fuck.

'Uh.. Okay, i don't know if i have the courage to ask this, but what are we? Are you serious about me? Because i don't want to like, fall in love with you & then have you tell me that you can't do us like Ricky did. I don't know if i could take that pain. It hurt so fucking bad that it almost made me ki-'

I was cut off by Alan's warm lips crushing mine.

'I don't care what Ricky did to you in the past. He's an asshole & he hurt you. You're my baby girl. I love you so much already & I'm ready to start a relationship. Will you be my girlfriend?'

Alan asked. I laughed & nodded at the same time. I was so happy. I finally got the man i wanted.

'Jinxxy! Fuck my duck!'

I screamed, running down the stairs. When i got down the stairs he just raised his eyebrows in a sort of "What the fuck" manner. I grabbed Alan's hand & Alan kissed my cheek.

'My baby boy made it official.'

I said. Everyone started cheering & saying things like.

'Its about time!'

We laughed. I walked to the cabinet & sighed. I took out my various depression pills & anxiety pills. I popped them in my mouth & sat down next to Alan. Falling asleep.