*Adylen's POV*

I was still standing in the doorway looking at a sleepy but awake Alan sitting on my bed, waiting for me. I walked over to the bed & sat down on it. He put his arm around me & yawned. When he was finished yawning i opened my mouth to ask a question, but was stopped by the sweet, warmth of Alan's lips being pressed against mine. I didn't fight it, but i didn't kiss back either. He's never shown this much interest in me before. Sure, a glance here & a glance there. A smile, a wink, grazing of hands, but never this. Could it be the simple fact that i just got out of Radley? That i wanted to kill myself? That i self harmed? When Alan pulled away from my lips he had a grin on his face. I didn't.

'What was that for, Alan? You slept with me last night, you just kissed me. You've never shown an ounce of fucking interest in me until i get put into Radley & self harm & what not. What the fucks going on?'

I ask with a tear falling from my eye. He wiped the tear away almost immideatly with the pad of his thumb.

'I've liked you since before you went into Radley, but it took me just that long to realize that if i didn't make my move soon, something was going to happen to you & i don't know if i would be able to handle that..'

He said. That made me smile, it was so sweet. This time it was me who connected our lips together. He kissed back sweetly. When he pulled away i was disapointed.

'You have therapy, baby girl. Don't worry, though. I'll be here when you get back.'

He said with a sweet smile. I got up to get ready for therapy with the thoughts of Alan in my mind. Could he be serious about us? Could he really want this? If he did, we would need to sit down & have a conversation. I slid into the car next to Jinxx.

'You know, I'm capable of driving myself to therapy?'

I said, getting tired of being treated like a child.

'I know that you're capable of driving your self but your doctor wanted me to drive you for the first 4 sessions.'

Jinxx said. Are you fucking kidding me? I grabbed my drawstring bag off of the floor & pulled out my cigarettes & lighter. I took one out of the bag & lit it taking a long drag. We pulled into the office & i stepped out of the car. We walked up to the office & signed in. I was called to see my therapist right away.

'Hello. I'm Doctor Marshalls.'

The petite lady said to me. I just gave a small smile. I looked around the room & took in my surroundings.

'We're going to begin by talking about a few of the basic reasons you're here. Not all of your sessions will be like this. Each will be different. But i want you to know that you can open up to me, I'm your friend.'

That was such bullshit. She wasn't my friend. She was listening to me because that's what she had to do to get the paycheck that put the food in her mouth & those skimpy little clothes on her petite little body every week.

'Well, start asking me questions & I'll start giving you the answers that'll put the slutty clothes on your petite little body.'

I said with a smart smirk. She acted like she didn't hear what came out of my mouth & started going through some papers.

'I understand that you were in Radley. There is obviously reasons that you were there. I'm not gonna judge you. No matter what you think of me we need to make this work because i am going to be your therapist for however long your parents or doctors decide to keep you here.'

I froze when she said parents. My parents haven't called me since the day i moved out. Neither one of them. I understand that moving to a different country & state & going through a divorce is hard, but shouldn't losing your kid be hard too? Doctor Marshalls looked at me.

'I don't live with my parents. I haven't for a while now. They fought all the time & they were both being offered jobs in different locations, they were fighting about who would take me. My older brother Jinxx offered to take care of me because i spent the majority of my time with him anyways. I haven't talked to either of my parents since Jinxx got custody of me.. & Yes, i agree we need to make this work. So go ahead with your questions & i will answer the best i can.'

I said, trying my hardest not to break down. How could you just not care about your kid like that? How could you leave them? How could you not want to be a part of their life? I don't understand & i don't think that i ever will. Doctor Marshalls cleared her throat before she began with asking me questions.

'Why did you feel like you should die? I understand that had a big play in everything. That you felt you should die. So I wanna know why?'

She asked. She wasn't being a smart ass or anything when she asked, she was being genuine. Maybe she wasn't just trying to pay for those skimpy clothes.

'Have you ever felt so alone? You feel like no one can make it better. You can be in a room full of people but it doesn't matter. You still have that lonely feeling, that void in your chest. Or have you ever felt so fucking ugly? People can tell you constantly that you're beautiful but you'll never believe it. You'll stand in front of the mirror & say to yourself "Maybe i am beautiful." But then your mind tells you a million reasons that you aren't & never will be. Have you ever caused yourself harm? Have you ever taken a blade to your wrist? Or skipped a meal? Or shoved your finger down your throat to make the last meal you ate come up? Do you know what it's like to hate every fiber of your being? Or cry yourself to sleep at night? Or wait until everyone's sleeping to breakdown so they don't hear you? Or taking a shower because you can't hold back your breakdown & you're afraid that they'll hear the muffled sobs. Do you know what it's like to feel numb? Nothing makes the pain or numb go away but you wish it did.. Do you know what it's like to not have any motivation to do anything? You can never get enough sleep? Even the smile that you force is starting to sag? There's no bright light behind your eyes anymore? Do you know what it's like to just want it all to end...? I felt that way everyday for months at a time. & Right before i went into Radley, i was ready to down every pill that was laying around my house & wash it down with whiskey. I wanted to die so bad because i couldn't deal with the pain of life anymore. No matter how many times you go on the internet & see things that say "It gets better." I can tell you, it doesn't. I've been waiting around for months for it to get better & it hasn't yet.. Those last 3 weeks before i went into Radley were my breaking point. If Max hadn't come in my room that day, i probably would've been gone the next.'

I said to Doctor Marshalls, who now had a few tears running down her face. She crossed off the question off of her list. She wiped the tears from her face & moved on with her questions.

'I understand that you self harmed, how do you think that helped you?'

She asked, still looking sad from the response i gave before. I took a deep breath, trying to muster up the right answer.

'I believe that it took away all of the pain in that moment. Not forever, but in that moment. It took the pain of the day or of the last couple hours away from me & i felt like sliding the blade across my bare flesh felt good. It gave me a sense of relief. It seemed like if the world was too much to handle the blade would talk to me & tell me it would all be okay, because you have to remember, i bottled up my feelings. No one knew about any of this..'

I said. She looked at me with a deep look of sympathy.

'The questions are going to be skattered around, but what made you realize that you needed help?'

I took a second to think of the answer to this one as well.

'I was laying in my bed, not doing anything. I hadn't been out of my room in days.. Weeks. I had a bathroom connected to my room, so i didn't need to leave. Max came in to ask me if i wanted food, i had my normal reply, which was no, i wasn't hungry. He asked me to walk into my bathroom & look at myself in the mirror & ask myself if that was living. When i looked at myself, i knew i wasn't living. I was just holding on for the simple sake of him, Jinxx, & the other guys. But i looked absolutely horrible. I've never imagined it to get that bad. But when i saw my ribs jutting out of my skin & the bags underneath my eyes, i didn't know what else to do. I walked back into the room & sat back on my bed. I told Max that he wouldn't understand. That's when he asked me to explain & that's what i did.. I explained everything to him. I broke down in tears after telling him all of that stuff, the first emotions i'd felt in weeks. He held me for a second but then stood up & blankly said "You need to get help, Adylen." When he walked out of the door, i knew that he hadn't went downstairs because i didn't hear the footsteps. I heard his back slide against the wall & i could hear the muffled cries. I had now broken my best friend. The person that had always been there for me, i guess that was when i realized i needed help. So when Jinxx came in soon after, i told him what i told Max followed by "I need help, Jinxx." & When i woke up from my nap, i was in a therapist's office.. They then told me i needed to be transferred to Radley.. I felt stupid for having to go there... But if it meant getting better, I'd go.'

I finished up my response to that question. I started to lose motivation. No.. Why did this have to happen? But i know that i needed to keep it going for the sake of the guys & my health. I let out a sigh. I closed my eyes for a second to collect myself, Doctor Marshalls respected me as i did so too. Once i was finished she started talking again.

'Tell me when you start to feel uncomfortable. If you don't want to answer a question that's fine. & If you would like to end before the 2 hours, that's perfectly fine too.'

She said with a kind smile, i returned it as she started going through her papers again. My mind started to wander. But, i was soon brought back to my therapist's attention when she cleared her throat pretty loadly.

'Oh, i'm sorry.'

I said. She smiled & continued on with the question.

'Were you going to go through with suicide? How do you think that would make the other people that cared about you feel?'

She asked. As soon as she asked this question a small tear escaped my eye. Not because i didn't want to answer it, but because i've been trying to answer it to myself ever since i got out of Radley. I took about 3 minutes to think about the question before i started to answer it. Another tear fell.

'Yes, i was going to go through with the suicide. I was so tired of feeling worthless that suicide felt like the only way out of it. As for the second half of the question, I don't really know. I know that it would devastate them now. But most of the times, i felt like they didn't give a shit about me. I know that that's not true because Sammi & I are the most important people in Jinxx's life. I know that Max cares about me a lot or he wouldn't have told me i needed help. I just know that it would kill them, but when i was thinking about going through with it, in my mind, no one care if i was gone.'

I said, another tear falling. I sighed & then let out a sniffle.

'Well, this wraps it up, sweetheart. At your next session we're going to talk about how you feel & what not & also continue talking about your suicide.'

I just nodded & got up. When i walked into the waiting room, i was completely quiet. This was good. I enjoyed talking to my therapist it made me feel better, but it also made the memories flood back. Which is never a good thing. It's good that Sammi & I cleared all the blades out of my room. When we got back to the house, as he promised, Alan was sitting on the couch playing X-box.

'Hey baby girl.'

Alan said with a sweet smile, as soon as he saw me walk in. He got up & took my face in his hand, kissing me gently.

'How was therapy?'

He asked. All the while, Jinxx looking a mix of confused, pissed, dumfounded, & lost.

'It went well, thanks for asking, babe.'

I said, kissing his nose. I looked over at Jinxx who was the color of a fire truck.

'What the fuck is going on between you two?'

He asked, obviously a little more than just pissed off. Alan started to talk but i touched his chest, signaling that i should take this one.

'Well, we realized our feelings for each other. It's nothing official yet, but it might be soon. So you should get used to it.'

I walked up to my room to put on some pajamas. Alan stayed downstairs with Jinxx, Max, & Sammi. Which may not have been a great idea. But i needed to change out of my all day clothes. Once i came downstairs, i took my pills & sat on the couch, ready to go to sleep, but it was mid afternoon. I couldn't do that.

Notes

All of this is raw emotion.. From me.