*Adylen's POV*

I laid in my bed, staring at the blank ceiling above me. The music was blaring as i just listened. I wasn't in any type of mood to sing along. My thoughts were broken by a knock at the door.

'Come in.'

I said, no emotion in my cracked voice. Once i opened my mouth, Max stepped in my room. He gave a smile, but i didn't return it. Not even with a forced one. My face slumped & i was tired.

'Are you hungry?'

Max asked. He should have known the answer because i've been like this for weeks. I'm barely holding on, i'm not living, im just breathing.

'No.'

I replied, again, blank, emotionless. He let out a deep sigh.

'You haven't eaten in weeks, Adylen.'

He said to me. I ignored the statement. I knew i haven't eaten in weeks, i haven't been hungry. Why would you eat if you're not hungry, though? That's my point.

'I need you to do me a favor. Get out of this fucking bed & walk to the bathroom. Look in the mirror & ask yourself if this is how you want to live? Look at yourself!'

Max said, so much emotion pouring from him. What i'd give to have emotion again. To be happy. To be able to smile. I did as Max asked of me & walked to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked the same with my pierced face except, this version of me had "modifications". But not good ones. My face sagged & there were bags beneath my eyes. My ribs jutted out in the Black Veil Brides tank top i wore loosely over my torso. My legs were like toothpicks in the basketball shorts i had on. I looked at myself in the mirror & sighed as i walked back to my bed & sat beside Max.

'You just don't understand.'

I said to him.

'The please, please explain to me, Addy.'

I winced at the use of my nickname. I thought up the words i was going to say as i began to talk.

'I'm not living. I'm just surviving. I wish i didn't look like this but i'm just not hungry. I don't have emotions anymore. I wish i did.'

I said still emotionless. Max looked at me, sadly. I disregarded the look & continued.

'Do you know what it's like to feel so ugly? So fat? Have you ever felt worthless, hopeless, helpless? I can't look at myself without cruel words coming to my mind. I try to get them to go away but they won't. So i cut. I cut away my clean flesh & leave a trail of scars with stories that no one will ever understand. I'm holding on for you guys. If it was my choice i would've downed the pills weeks ago.'

I said. I was still emotionless while Max had a tear running down his cheek. I wiped it away with the pad of my thumb.

'You have no reason to cry.. I just want to feel okay again. I hate that I'm locked away in my room, but i just can't muster any motivation to do anything anymore. I've lost all hope. I'm not holding onto one thing for dear life because it's all already gone. I'm holding on for you, & Jinxx, & the rest of the guys. But, even now that i think about it, i don't know why i do that. It's not like you guys see much of me anyways. I guess it's to the point where i know i need help. But then again i can't muster up enough motivation, or courage, or strength. I'm just done. & When i say i'm done i mean that i've reached my breaking point. I've had endless nights of looking, staring at myself in the mirror wishing that i had a thigh gap, or that my arms weren't so big. That my stomach could be smaller & my eyes were a different color. I spend every night carving lines into my body because all hope is gone.'

I said, this time a tear dripping from my eye.

'I haven't showered in days because i can't get the motivation to stand up & walk five feet to my shower. I don't want to be here anymore & that's the whole truth..'

I said, this time a river of tears falling from my eyes. This is the first emotion i've had in weeks. Max hugged me close to his body as i stained his shirt with tears. Fuck. This was really my breaking point wasn't it?

'You need to get help, Adylen.'

Max said right before walking out of the room, leaving me with my thoughts. That was never a good idea, but i couldn't get up & walk downstairs..

*Max's POV*

'You need to get help, Adylen.'

I said before walking out of her room. Once i was out of the door i leaned against the cold wall & slid my back down it. I put my head in my hands. My best friend was laying in there helpless & hopeless. She wanted to die.. What would i do without her? I sat on the wall & cried for a few minutes until Jinxx found me.

'What's wrong man?'

He asked.

'Your sister, my best fucking friend wants to die.'

His face dropped. We all knew that something was wrong with Adylen but we didn't know it was this serious. He walked in & shut the door loudly behind him.

*Adylen's POV*

I was dosing off to sleep when Jinxx walked in. He had concern etched on his face. That's when i knew that Max told him of our conversation.

'Max wouldn't tell me all of the details, he just said that you wanted to die.. Is it true?'

He asked me, the concern still covering his face. I sighed deeply. I didn't want to have to tell my brother everything i've gone through. He has been a hero for taking me in, & i didn't wawnt to make him feel like he was a failure. But i continued on & told him because that was what he wanted. I repeated what i had told Max. Almost word for word, actually.

'I'm not living. I'm just surviving. I wish i didn't look like this but i'm just not hungry. I don't have emotions anymore. I wish i did. Do you know what it's like to feel so ugly? So fat? Have you ever felt worthless, hopeless, helpless? I can't look at myself without cruel words coming to my mind. I try to get them to go away but they won't. So i cut. I cut away my clean flesh & leave a trail of scars with stories that no one will ever understand. I'm holding on for you guys. If it was my choice i would've downed the pills weeks ago. I just want to feel okay again. I hate that I'm locked away in my room, but i just can't muster any motivation to do anything anymore. I've lost all hope. I'm not holding onto one thing for dear life because it's all already gone. I'm holding on for you, & Max, & the rest of the guys. But, even now that i think about it, i don't know why i do that. It's not like you guys see much of me anyways. I guess it's to the point where i know i need help. But then again i can't muster up enough motivation, or courage, or strength. I'm just done. & When i say i'm done i mean that i've reached my breaking point. I've had endless nights of looking, staring at myself in the mirror wishing that i had a thigh gap, or that my arms weren't so big. That my stomach could be smaller & my eyes were a different color. I spend every night carving lines into my body because all hope is gone. I want to be able to smile from ear to ear & actually mean it, or have real conversation, or eat until i'm full & NOT throw it up afterwards. But the only way that can happen is if i get help. & I guess i hit rock bottom with my depression to realize that..'

I said, tears escaping my eyes again. Jinxx rubbed my back until i fell asleep. But when i woke up, i wasn't in my room anymore. I was in a therapist's office.

'You're awake.'

She said. I looked confused.

'How. How did i get here? Where's my brother?'

I said as i was starting to panic.

'It's okay sweetie. He brought you here & he's in the waiting room. You need help & i'm here to help you.'

She said to me. We sat & talked for a long ass time about suicide & life & a bunch more. She started talking when my mood sunk to it's all time low.

'Well, i think that we need to put you in Radley for about two weeks to regulate your medicine intake & food intake & other things.'

Radley was the metal ward. They were sticking me in a mental ward. No. Jinxx wouldn't let this happen. He wouldn't do that to me! He's my big brother for fucks sake! I don't need to be in a mental ward. I walked out into the waiting room to see Jinxx & Sammi sitting in a chair, extremely sad.

'Their putting me in Radley for two weeks or longer. Jinxx you can't let them do this to me. I'm not crazy.. Please? Don't you have any say in this?!'

I asked as the tears started to blur my vision. Jinxx pulled me onto his lap & into his chest.

'I don't have any say in it. If i did you would just be seeing a therapist & we'd be working from home. I know you're not crazy.. I know.'

Jinxx said into my hair as i let the tears fall freely. I was then asked to come back into the room.

'Well, you're going to go home & pack. You can bring blankets, posters, pictures. Anything to make your room feel like home. You'll need undergarments & socks along with some tank tops & sweat pants for when you don't need to be in your gown. You will have NO access to any cellular device or computer. But we do have a drum set & a CD player because i understand you like the drums?'

I nodded. This was real. I was being taken away from my family, all civilization. I was being treated like a crazy person. But i wasn't crazy. So why would they put me in Radley? Jinxx took me home to pack. I did so very quickly because i didn't want to deal with the pain of having to leave it all behind. Even if it was for only two weeks, it wasn't fair. I packed my bags & Jinxx drove me to Radley. We signed in & they showed me to my room. Jinxx hugged me.

'I'll be here first thing tomorrow for my 2 visiting hours.'

He said into my neck. I nodded, still scared of being alone in this place. But once he left, that was it. I started making my bed with the YO GABBA- GABBA bed set & putting up my posters, 2 hours past when i was finally done. I'd been here for 2 1/2 hours & i just wanted to go home already.

*1 Week later.*

I'm sitting here staring at these blank ceilings thinking about so much. Even with all the pills in me, i'm thinking that maybe i am crazy. Maybe i'm meant to be in a mental ward. But all i still want, is to be with my family.

Notes

Whatcha think?