Andrew Biersack’s Point of View

I had been waiting for a good fifteen minutes in front of the school. Ashley still hadn’t shown up and the other guys had left already. I really asked myself where he could be. He was not one to stay behind and talk to some teacher. He just had gym for fuck’s sake! And CC also left about ten minutes ago and he was in the same gym class as my boyfriend. So where could he be?

After another ten minutes I felt myself getting worried and started pacing back and forth in front of the building, expecting him to come out every minute but it didn’t happen. Suddenly I had to think of the last time the guys were late after school.
Three heads turned into our direction and I saw the relief in Ashley’s eyes. His face was covered in bruises and blood and I would bet that his torso wasn’t any better. I got worried and asked myself what had happened here.
He had gotten beaten up by Pete and Collin and Jake had taken him home. It had actually been the start of our friendship, well to be exact of Ash’s and Jake’s friendship. I started to feel myself panic and made a dash to the locker rooms, praying that Ashley was ok. I could hear talking and laughter and the sickening sound of someone being hit. I ran even faster to the door and pulled it open in one forceful motion, causing the doors to slam against the wall with a loud bang. The sight in front of me made me sick to my stomach.
Ashley lay curled up on the floor, cuts and bruises all over his face while some jocks repeatedly kicked and hit him. I was fuming.
“Hey!” I growled and the boys turned around. All color left their faces when they saw that it was me. “What do you think you’re doing to him?”
“Andy, hey, I didn’t know you’re friends with that loser…” one of them said in a pathetic attempt to calm me down. Of course it didn’t work and just angered me more.
“Don’t call him that you fucking asshole!” I yelled at him. They all took a step back, flinching in fear.
“Get out of my sight and never fucking touch him again” I growled lowly, shooting a glare in their direction. The jocks nodded quickly and left the gym as fast as they could. As soon as they were out of sight, I ran to Ashley and dropped to my knees next to him.
“Baby?” I whispered and softly stroked his cheek. Fuck, he looked horrible.
“Ash, baby, can you hear me?” I asked and got a whimper in return. That sound alone made my heart clench. Ash curled up even more into himself, keeping his eyes shut tightly.
“Babe, it’s me – Andy. Please look at me. I won’t hurt you, love.” I whispered and pushed a strand of hair from his face. He slowly opened his eyes and I sighed in relief. The terror and pain was clearly visible on his face and I wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.
“Can you sit up?” I asked, giving him a small smile. Ashley nodded and uncurled himself, letting me help him to sit against the cool locker room wall. His breathing was heavy and a few tears escaped his beautiful, sad eyes. He had a black eye and bruises and cuts littered the rest of his face. His lip was split too and bleeding heavily.
“Can I take a look at your torso?” I asked cautiously with the hem of his shirt in between my fingers already. Ashley whimpered but nodded nonetheless. I just had to see how bad the damage was.
I pushed his shirt up under his chin and gasped. His chest was black and blue, just like his stomach. I let my fingers trail over his rips. Ashley let out a hiss but nothing seemed to be broken, which was the only good thing. I let go of his shirt and kissed his damaged lip as softly as I could.
“Let’s get you home” I whispered and got up. I held out my hands to Ashley and helped him standing up. He leant his weight against me as I supported him with his arm around my shoulders and my arm around his waist. We slowly walked to Ashley’s flat like this, earning weird stares from others, since Ash was also limping slightly. I could only imagine how much pain he actually was in.

Once he was seated in his bathroom I started to clean his wounds. None of us had uttered a word since we left school. I didn’t even know what to say to him and I guessed that Ashley was in too much pain to talk. He hissed a few times when the alcohol ran into his wounds, but it had to be done. Once the majority of his cuts were clean I turned on the shower, so the water could warm up. Then I went into his bedroom to get him a new t-shirt and some sweat pants. Ashley was in the same position as before and I smiled weakly had him.
“Come and shower, babe. It’ll make you feel a bit better” I coaxed and he nodded before he stood up and started to rid himself of his jeans, since his shirt was already off.
“Shower with me?” he whispered and looked at me with dull eyes. My heart started to ache again and I smiled softly at him.
“If you think that’s a good idea, yeah.” I said and looked at him. He looked more broken than ever, probably also from his past. I bet he was good at hiding it and that only Jake had ever seen him like this. I wanted to be the one he talked to though. I wanted to be there for him when there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to save him from himself.
Ashley nodded and stepped closer, playing with the hem of my shirt. I gave him another loving smile and took off my clothes. When I was done he already stood under the hot stream, head leant back against the wall and eyes closed.
I got in with him and started massaging his back a bit. I knew how much he loved this and felt him relax under my touch. The rest of the blood that still stuck to his torso got slowly washed away. I took a washcloth and cleaned Ashley’s body, carefully as to avoid a panic attack on his side. He had been through enough for today and didn’t need to panic because of me being too close. I kept looking at his face for any sign of discomfort has I reached the area below his waist but Ashley just let it happen, eyes still closed and body relaxed. When I was done I grabbed the shampoo, rubbing some on his skull and into his hair, kissing him lightly on the lips in the process. He smiled a little as he returned the kiss and I couldn’t help but smile back at him. I was proud of myself for making him feel better.
When I was done with Ash, I cleaned myself and turned off the water before grabbing some fluffy towels. I dried Ash’s torso and some of his hair before wrapping the towel around his waist and doing the same to me. Then I led him out of the shower and coaxed him into the comfy clothes I laid out before.

As Ashley was sitting in the living room I was making some coffee in the kitchen, silently promising myself to never let that happen to Ashley ever again. Fucking jocks. They would pay for it.
I took the two mugs into the living room and saw that Ash had put in a DVD. Batman Begins, to be exact. I chuckled as I sat down next to him and handed him his cup.
“Really, babe? I thought I was the one obsessed with Batman!” I laughed a little and looked at Ashley. A small smile graced his lips and I kissed his cheek.
“Thank you” he suddenly whispered.
“What for, love?” I asked and looked at him with a serious expression on my face. He didn’t have to thank me for anything here.
“For standing up for me. For being there, for helping. Thank you so much for caring about me the way you do, because no one ever cared about me like this, not even my ex-boyfriend” he whispered and looked into my eyes. His brown ones were filled with gratefulness and honesty. I couldn’t help but feel good about putting a smile on his face. It was like I was made for caring about him.
“You don’t need to thank me, Ash. It comes so naturally to me, I don’t ever want to see you hurt. I’m your boyfriend so it’s my duty to make you feel good and loved and to care for you. You really mean a lot to me, you know?” I told him honestly. Ashley hugged me and then connected his lips with mine in a loving kiss. It didn’t even get heated, it was just so full of love, everything I never had before.

“You know…” Ashley said a few minutes into the movies. I looked down at him, since he was lying in between my legs, with his head on my chest. Nudging my nose against his soft hair, I silently told him that I was listening and that I wanted him to go on talking.
“This was just another déjà vu.” Ash whispered. His voice cracked and he just sounded so broken that I automatically tightened my arms around him, yet still careful so as to not disturb his bruises.
“What was, babe?” I also whispered, not daring to speak any louder. I didn’t want to press the matter if he wasn’t ready for this. But it seemed like he wanted to talk.
“The bullying, the teasing. It’s always the same. Nothing ever changes. It’s always the same faceless people beating those who try to be themselves. I mean, what did I do wrong? Why do I obviously deserve to be beaten up? There just has to be something wrong with me” Ashley was crying by now, burying his face into my chest. One of my hands travelled up his back and started to stroke his hair. I didn’t understand either how people could beat someone like Ashley up. I just didn’t get it. He was so sweet, always himself. Why would anyone hurt him like this? And it didn’t seem to be the first time this happened. He nearly seemed to be used to it.
“Ashley, listen to me. You don’t deserve any of this, ok? They are just stupid and can’t see what a wonderful person you are. They always beat up the kind-hearted because they themselves will never be as amazing. They will never know the feeling of helping others because everything they’ll ever do is put people down. But you are so much more Ashley. You are so nice and you always try to help and you are so strong because you are still here, after all this shit you’ve been through, you are still alive. Maybe you thought about ending it all. Don’t deny it, I can see it in your eyes” I told him with a smile. “But you are still here. You are still with us and that is really all I can ask for. I don’t want to think about living without you, because that would just be hell on earth. I will make sure that they’ll never ever harm you again, ok? I will take care of you. No one will hurt you.”
I buried my face in his hair as I felt his tears seep through my shirt. I didn’t mind. Sometimes you just needed to cry. You needed to be weak so you could come up stronger. I held him close to me, whispering sweet nothings into his ear to soothe him.

After a while Ash calmed down, but my fingers never ceased to ghost over his back. He was still hiccupping a bit and it broke my heart. Even though I had guessed that he’d been bullied in the past, I never thought it was that bad. He seemed so composed all the time. I guess I was wrong though. But I was willing to pick up the pieces and make him whole again.
Ash was cuddled up to me, his head on my shoulder and his arms around my waist. I held him tightly because God knows, the boy needed it. Every now and then I kissed the top of his head, letting him know I was still there and that I wouldn’t go anywhere. That I would always be with him. I tightened my grip on him and sighed.
“Let’s take a nap” I suggested. Ashley nodded just slightly, barely moving his head. He must’ve been half asleep anyway. I stood up, causing him to whine but when I picked him up bridal-style he just wound his arms around my neck and cuddled into my chest. I smiled and carried him to his bedroom. When I placed him gently on his bed, he made grabby hands at me. I chuckled and took off my skinnies and lay down next to him. Immediately, he snuggled into me and took some of my shirt in his fist. I rested my arms around his waist and sighed in content.
“Sleep, baby. Everything will be ok” I whispered, closing my eyes. I felt Ash’s breathing become calm and I relaxed into the pillow. It became a soothing sound for me, a lullaby of sorts. A calm and peaceful Ash kept me calm and peaceful and that was the best thing I could ever ask for. I felt the change in myself, cause by Ashley. But it was a change for the better.

I felt kisses being pressed all over my face and I smiled, tightening my grip on Ashley before I opened my eyes. Immediately, I was staring into his warm, brown orbs, the source of my calmness.
“Hey babe” I croaked, my voice still thick with sleep. Ash pressed a kiss to my lips and smiled down on me. He looked better than this afternoon.
“Hey” he whispered and nudged his nose with mine. “I thought that maybe we could order some pizza? It’s like sevenish already.”
“Mhm” I made and leant up to kiss him. “Or maybe we could go out, eat something and then go for a walk? There’s a place I wanna show you…”
“Sure, why not. Just let me cover up my bruises” he said with a disgusted impression. I just nodded and Ash went into the bathroom.

After we got up and dressed, we left Ashley’s flat to go to a small diner just around the corner. It was cozy and just what we needed right now.
While eating we gossiped about teachers and students, preps and jocks. We talked about which subjects we liked most and also a bit about the future. If a bystander heard us, they’d think that we were just two friends, not lovers. But those were the moments we needed in between hell and heaven, school and relationship. We needed to be normal once in a while. After devouring the food, I paid and we left the diner and headed for the park.
It was dark outside since it was long past eight, but we didn’t mind. I led Ashley to a pond that was situated in a far corner of the park where rarely anyone went because it took some time to get there. We lay down near the shore and looked at the stars. Here and there we could hear a splash from some fish jumping out of the water but otherwise it was completely still.
“It’s beautiful” Ash whispered. I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. His head lay on my chest, his eyes studying the stars.
“You know, I never thought I could trust someone again.” He suddenly said. I furrowed my brows.
“Why?”
“Well, my friends back home weren’t the best and they went all behind my back when things got rough.” In his voice I could hear the sadness that he carried with him.
“Bastards” I growled, suddenly angered by the unfairness in Ashley’s life.
“I know, right? But now… I mean, I trust you and I trust Jake. And give me a few more weeks and I know I’ll be trusting Jinxx and CC just as much. And to be honest: That scares me.” It meant a whole lot to me that he trusted us. But U was someone who pushed people away. I never meant to, but I just did. It was my annoying and nosey nature.
“I’m scared of pushing you away” I whispered, a lump forming in my throat.
“You won’t” Ashley said confidently.
“Ash, you don’t know that! I always push people away, even though I don’t mean to. They just get annoyed with me and leave” I said in frustration, suddenly sitting up. Ashley sat up too, since his head had been resting on my stomach. I ran a hand through my hair and sighed.
“But I’m still here” he said calmly while looking into my eyes. The stars reflected in the brown pools of his own eyes, making them sparkle. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“Andy, you annoyed me so much and I fucking hated you for getting on my nerves like that but you never stopped trying to be my friend. I know how you are. You are a pushy idiot but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Like you said: We just work. I know I’m sometimes fed up with your nosiness, but Andy, that’s who you are, that’s one part of the reason why I like you so much.” By the time Ash stopped talking, tears were streaming down my face. My shoulders were shaking and it was his turn to comfort me. The problem was: He didn’t know how I am. He didn’t know the asshole I was hiding from him. He didn’t know that I would hurt him. Intentionally, even. No one knew. Everyone thought that I was finally in this for the long run but they were so, so wrong. Even though I develop feelings for Ashley, I still wanted to stick to my plan. I needed to stick to my plan. I couldn’t get attached, I just couldn’t. My stomach tightened at the thought of hurting Ashley, my little angel with the fucked-up past. More tears left my eyes. I couldn’t be with him.

Notes

YES, I am still alive! :D You guys too? Leave a comment and tell me how much of a horrible person I am for only updating once a month (or two?)! I won't be mad :)

xoxo Rebellious Redamancy