I'm a Loaded Gun (Part 2)

"Welcome to the world of the dead."

I jolted upright, my body convulsiving, shaking, and dripping in perspiration. My arms clasped over themselves, holding my stomach. The emotion flooded in my eyes and I doubled over, the pain was horrific in my chest. I was in hysterics. My hands raised to my eyes to wipe away the tears, but that's when I saw the marking. Only my old faded scars were present on my wrist. I hadn't done it. I was alive.

Confused, I glanced up, realizing where I heard, "Welcome to the dead". I had left the TV on when I fell asleep and some shitty flop of a zombie movie came on. My body collapsed into the fetal position on the drenched sheets. The alarm clock changed just as I glanced across the room to 4:45AM. God damn it I can't do it. I can't do this.

My legs almost collapsed under me since I was shaking so badly. Thank god for the nightside table otherwise I surely would have fallen on my face. My eyes caught my reflection in the mirror. Wow I am a wreck. My hair was everywhere, in twisted locks and tangles, an obvious sign of my horrific nightmare. It was just too real feeling. Usually I can tell when I'm asleep, but this time, it was terribly real. My eyes looked...dead as did my skin, a sickly pale. Almost transparent looking. I couldn't go in that bathroom. I couldn't even look at it. I needed comfort. The one person I needed most wasn't here. I had to do with what I had. I peeled off my soaked tank top. I picked up some faded and ripped up skinny jeans with one of Andys cut up tank tops, this one with his daggers drawing from exhibit A, and went downstairs to the other bathroom. Siren was still asleep in the guest room.

The shower helped shake some of the horrible feelings and relax my clentched and strained muscles. The water released my tangles and knots in my hair, and pain in my chest. I stepped into the steamy room and stared at my distorted reflection in the fogged mirror. I froze, and slowly used the towel to wipe off the condensation. My cheek bones looks protruded, but that's when my eyes followed down my frame. My ribs were more exposed than normal. I stepped onto the scale and stared down, shocked. 104lbs. I'd lost 12lbs in a week since Andy left. Shit. My hands clentched the edges of the countertop on either side, blood rushing into the fingertips. I stared down onto the sinks basin and then to the mirror. The eyes staring back were not mine. Who, or rather, what the hell had I become? I could feel the anger boiling within. My hand lashed out, sending the vase on the edge of the counter flying into the wall, shattering.

I walked out of the bathroom, leaving the mess for later. It was 5:30 now, and I decided I had to do this, I picked up my cellphone once upstairs. I told myself I wouldn't be the first one, that I'd show just how damn strong I was, but that's what made me realize that you don't have to be the last one to give in to be the strongest. Sometimes being the strongest means that you are the first to accept that things aren't working and make the effort to repair them yourself. I hit call, and the line rang and rang.

"Hello?" I heard with a strong exhale.

I gathered myself, "Andy?"

"Yeah," followed by an inhale. He must be smoking.

"Come over, we need to talk."

"OK, I'll be over later on."

"No, Andy. It's been over a week. Come now," I said firmly. I knew I couldn't be on my own anymore, I'd hurt myself. That dream could NOT become a reality and the scariest part, I don't think I'm strong enough to stop myself.

"Oh, okay...I'll be right over," seemed confused, but sincere.

I paced, and paced, and paced. If it had been dirt under my feet I woud have worn a path or a ditch from my constant movement. I stopped myself long enough to put on some eyeliner and mascara. I set the brush down just to hear the front door open. My god, I forgot just how gorgeous he was. He was cautious, but so handsome in his black skinny jeans, tank, and vest. I tried not to seem too desperate as I walked down the stairs, but I couldn't restrain myself from leaping from the bottom stairs and flinging my arms around Andy's neck. He was shocked, but melted and wrapped his arms around me carefully, releasing a sigh.

I let go of him, motioning for him to follow. He did as I wanted, and trailed behind me beyond the porch, the backyard, and out onto the beach. I didn't have any shoes on to start with, but Andy stopped at the backyard and removed his combat boots. We went out to the gazebo by the water, where the flowers from our engagement happened, where Andy proposed. I sat on the side rail and stared over the water. My stood next to the next rail, leaning against the post from the ceiling.

"You...wanted to talk?" he said. I simply nodded in reply, averting his scrunitizing glance. "What about?"

I released a long sign, dropping my gaze to my hands in my lap, "I can't do this, Andy." his face was hard as stone, staring down at the ground, unfeeling and cold. "I can't...I can't keep living like this." Still he didn't react. "I...I need..." I choked on my own words, caught in my throat. One tear rolled down my face and I simply shook my head, not allowing myself to explode again.

"You need what?" he said coldly.

"I need," I looked up to his eyes, "I need you, Andy. I can't keep living without. What...what happened with Jinxx was not my doing. Jinxx kissed me first and I couldn't get him off, and...and when you walked in the door..." I put my face in my hands.

"What happened?" he said. Was he stone or something?

"I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK," I shouted, "THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. You didn't even ask me what happened and when I tried to fucking talk to you you drove off like I was NOTHING to you. I fucking chased you down the god damn road Andy, praying, begging, pleading for you to stop and just talk with me. You left me ALONE. You know when I have a panic attack I cannot control myself or what becomes of my actions. I went home and collapsed. I drank myself unconscious. Somehow my brain convinced myself that the piece of glass from the bottle felt good in my leg after it Shattered on the floor from me dropping it. It's a damn good thing I was knocked out cold after that because I have no idea how many times I would have stabbed because I drank myself so shitfaced. And last night. Last night...it just.." I couldn't continue with the visions of my suicide.

"What happened last night?"

"I KILLED MYSELF ANDY!" I screamed, finally looking up, eyes shooting daggers at him.

"What?" he was lost.

I took a steading breath, "I killed myself, Andy," I whispered. "I fucking killed myself. I was in a dream and the voice in my head told me I was worthless so I did it. I wrote my entire suicide letter, I wrote everything out. And the voice just kept telling me to do it. Just die already. That's the only way I'd get rid of him. The only fucking way."

His hand reached out for me, "The voice is back?" his voice was a cracked whisper.

"YES he's fucking back Andy. He's never been this bad. I already had issues being alone and you leaving for a week was the worst thing because the whole time he egged me on telling me to die because I was...I'm just worthless, 'a piece of gum on the sidewalk,' is what it told me. And last night I finally did it. I took your journal, Andy. I wrote my entire suicide letter, and then I laid down in the bathroom and slit my wrist all the way through my vein finally, and I died, in agony, all alone." His hand gently squeezed mine. "Do you know how terrifying it is to see yourself die? Having to wake up from that and not knowing if you were alive or actually dead? I was...I was hysterical. I think the scariest part...I See it happening. I see myself so bad and the voice take over and I'd do it, I'm scared it will happen."

It took a moment to realize how close Andy was standing, but I couldn't stop. I leaned into him and cried into his shirt, his arms wrapped around me tightly. A hand stroked my hair down on the back of my head.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, resting his head against mine. "I wasn't there for you and I should have been. I will never forgive myself for letting you hurt yourself." He embrace me tighter.

"Just don't let me ever do it for real," I sniffled.

"Never," he said, kissing my temple. He pulled back and turned me around, pulling my back into his chest, but suddenly we were falling, and I attempted to flail, hitting Andy in the face. "Shit!" we fell into the gazebo couch I forgot existed. We landed and I held my hands over my face. "Well I guess I deserved that," he rubbed his chin.

"I'm sorry!" I squealed.
He shook it off and held out his arms, "Come here."

I did as told and I laid down on his chest.

"Listen, you know I have a very very short temper. I'm so sorry for taking it out on you. It was uncalled for and unwarranted. I didn't mean to lash out, but I had no idea what had transpired and didn't take even a millisecond to think logically. I instantly assumed that was why Jinxx wanted to live with us, to get to you."

"But I-"

"No," he interrupted. "I know. Jinxx explained to me last night that what happened was completely his doing. He been so torn up after everything with Sammi that he's not been thinking logically and has been driven to do some pretty bad things. He had no intent of doing that, but his head is really messed up. Things should be clearing up now that he's back on his depression medication."

My brain clicked. "What did you just say?"

"His head is really-"

"No, after that."

"He's back on his depression meds?" he seemed confused.

Oh my god. No wonder I feel like shit. "Andy...I forgot to take my Zoloft after I returned back to move in. I needed to renew my prescription and I never did. I've gone off and now that's it's withdrawn..."

"That explains the mood swings and random emotions as well as your...the voice."

"God damn, I'm fucking stupid."

"No, you are forgetful, but sure not stupid. I'll call the physician and get your prescription renewed and we'll get you back on it. That will make you feel better and I'll be right here to help you get back into it. I know getting back on medication like that can be difficult but I'll be here. If you want me to of course," he said looking on me.

I took a chance, dragging his lips to mine, in a rough, urgent kiss.

"I'll take that as a yes," he laughed between a kiss.
"That's. A. Hell. Yeah." I said between four firm touches.
We both laughed. He looked back at me, "So do you want this back?" he held my engagement ring between his pointer and thumb. I nodded and he placed it back on my hand, where it would stay forever.

Notes

Sorry for the wait guys! The snowstorm in the midwest has messed up my Internet.

Also this was a chapter I didn't want to rush. It needed to be casually planned and constructed so I needed the time to really delve into the situation and characters.

I love you guys and the support you give me ❤

more soon!