As you fade into the night.
5am brake downs.
I sat up in the bed trying my best to take deep breaths but they only came out jagged as my sobs started to form in my throat.
It was 5am and I had been up for a few hours gradually getting weaker each hour that went by It started off as me laying down starring at the walls but as the time went by so did all the memories in my head.
My past had swallowed me up into a sea of depression and I was drowning at the moment. I couldn't stop thinking of every word I said wrong, every person I've hurt every person who's hurt me,the people I lose the times I embarrassed myself, everything.
I was desperate for jinxx but i didn't want to wake up him,Sammi and jake and Ella also but if I didn't calm down soon I was afraid I would never get out of this.
Anxiety and panic attacks were something I got too often, jinxx being the only one I knew who could calm me down always helped me through it since as a kid he dealt with them.thats why I needed him.
I hugged my knees going to take a breath in making a loud sob escape my lips. I heard a door close and another one open making me try to silence my sobs again.
Someone must be going to the bathroom.
I grabbed my head and tried to silence my cries more but the anxiety wouldn't go away. I was shaking and I couldn't breath, I gasped for air through my tears and hugged my knees tighter.
I heard another door open but this time it was mine.
I shot my head up seeing Ashley standing in the doorway. His hair was slightly messed up and he had no shirt on with plaid pajama pants.
"hey, you okay?" He asked stepping in the room worriedly. His eyes were filled with a soft gentle look and his voice sounded the same.
I shook my head and he went to shuffle forward but stayed in place obviously unsure of what to do.
"What can I do?" He asked quickly and I tried to calm my breathing down to talk but I couldn't
I choked on a sob
"-nxx" I finished and he looked at me before nodding
"You want jinxx?"
I nodded slowly not careing that I probably woke up the whole house at the point.
"Okay, just calm down okay?" He asked quickly before rushing out of the door.
I hugged my knees more as I heard voices and saw a light go on in the other room. Soon jinxx rushed into my room his hair also messed up.
Ashley stood behind him and he sighed sad looking over at me.
"Ash go back to bed okay? Go tell sam and the others to do the same I got her" he said and Ashley nodded before walking away giving me a sad smile as he left.
jinxx came in shutting the door and instantly climbed on the bed next to me pulling me into his warm embrace
"Hey" he said soothingly
I grabbed onto him gasping for air between sobs. I was in full anxiety attack mode. Jinxx looked at me and I knew he instantly knew by the way he tightened his hold rocking me back and forth like a child.
" Deep breaths, come on take deep breaths sweetheart" he cooed and I let out a breath as he started to sing like he always did.
"so she wakes up in time to break down,she left a note on her dresser and she's right on time"
I smiled feeling my tears start to fade away as I listened to the lyrics of my favorite song.
"So don't take your life, it's all that you've got you'd be better of just up and leaving if you don't think it will stop"
He took in a breath and continued slowly making my anxiety bubble away.
"When you wake up, everything is going to be fine, I guarantee that you'll wake Ina better place ,Ina Better time"
I closed my eyes letting out my last breath I was holding in. My body went numb as he started rubbing circles into my back.
"Th-thank you" I said throughout in takes of breath
He kissed the side of my head and leaned back into my bed more bringing me so I was laying against his chest.
"You're welcome, it's going to be okay" he said softly and i hiccuped more into his chest
"But th-they're gone"
"I know and trust me, I miss them too and I know you miss them more but I'm right with you okay? I understand for once i understand what you're feeling, they were like my parents also."
I breathed out shakily, he loved my parents, since I could remember he was always at my house always over for family dinners and family outings, he was more like my big brother than anything so I knew he was about as upset as I was.
"Everyone I love leaves" I said and I felt him move me closer to his chest
"The second time in the past 2 years I've lost somebody, everyone is leaving"
" hey I'm not leaving , I'm never leaving, I told you I'm here to protect you from the good and bad. I'm here to make it better, and I'm going to try, I'm really going to" he said squeeZing me harder.
I hugged onto him
"I feel bad for waking everyone up" I said and he shook his head
"It was only me ash, Sam jake and Ella I'm pretty sure the others stayed asleep plus I already filled them in on what happened okay?"
I sucked in a breath feeling my self start to breath heavy again
"No no relax relax just about your parents okay? Everything else is all yours to decide when you want them to know" he said I nodded calming down.
It was silent for a little before he laughed slightly
"I'm guessing this means you ran out of your anxiety medicine?" He asked and I smiled giving his side a shove
He laughed "But yes, I ran out like 2 weeks ago"
"How come you didn't refill?" He asked and I laughed at how clueless he was
"I was a little busy"
I laughed again staying silent
"Idiot" I said and I felt him poke my stomach making me flinch seeing his tired smile reflect from the small light of the dim sky.
"It's early hush"
I shook my head shifting closer to him
"Do you still have the prescription form?" He asked again after a few minutes and I nodded against his chest.
"Okay I'll call the pharmacy later then and get it okay? Because you need it especially since you'll be going to need it for school"
I groaned at the word and he laughed again.
"Hey maybe it'll be different you could make some friends!"
"Or some enemies and oo, I'll get to get beaten up by new people in a new scenery God jinxx you're right it'll be great." I said sarcastically making him sigh and snicker slightly
" with that attitude"
I nudged his ribs closing my eyes finally feeling better.
He always did this, ever since we were little he taught me that every situation could be turned into a good one so he always made sure my melt downs or bad days ended with a smile.
He always found a way to make me smile through everything and that's something I could never truly thank him enough for.
" tired?" He asked and I nodded against his chest.
"Get some sleep I'll stay here if you want" he said and I nodded again feeling safe next to him.
The room grew silent and my breaths became normal as I listened to the silence that laced the house the only noises being the snores down the hall and my cousins soothing heartbeat.
Thank you all for reading!