As you fade into the night.
Relive the past
I slid down my bedroom wall and landed on my floor with a soft thump.
I scratched my fingers through my hair clawing at my head and closing my eyes. Everything was pounding into my head like a fright train and I just wanted it to stop.
I couldn't handle any of it , it's been a week of nothing but bad news after bad news, she hasn't woke up yet, she hasn't moved yet, it doesn't look good, I just couldn't take it.
It's been the longest 2 weeks of my life with her being in the hospital. all I could do everyday was get up after barely sleeping and drive to the hospital to spend my day hoping and praying that some miracle would happen and she would wake up but so far it hasn't worked and I'm just left starring at the most important thing in my life lay in a hospital bed.
Tears fell down my face as I openly started to lose it, I needed to, I haven't had anytime to myself these past weeks , it was either be at the hospital or be at home trying to get some sort of sleep untill it was time to get back and right now I had left for a little while the others were there.
After a few silent minutes I felt my phone vibrate against my thigh and I numbly untangled my hand from my hair and reached into my tight pants picket pulling out my phone to see who was texting me.
I unlocked it and smile slightly seeing My mom had sent me a new picture, I should have known, she's probably just as eat up about this as I am and she always believes reliving memories is the best thing to do but I didn't know if I wanted to.
After hesitating for a few seconds I finally unlocked my phone and clicked on the first out of 2 pictures she sent me. Once it loaded my breath caught in my throat but I let out a weak smile at the picture of me only 7 years old sitting in a faded blue hospital chair holding a bundle of blankets with a mop of brown hair sticking out.
I remeber the day like it was yesterday, the first day I met my little cousin.
" but where are we going?" I asked from my seat as we pulled up to a hospital but she only laughed in return
" why are we here mommy?" I asked fiddling with my toy cars as she pulled in a space and turned in the seat smiling.
" To visit"
With that she got out of the car and I undid my buckle just as she opened my door and stepped back so I could hop down the step still holding my blue race car.
" but , visit who?"
" we're visiting aunty, don't you want to see your baby cousin?" She asked as she grabbed my hand leading me up to the door and into the bright halls walking straight to the tall silver elevator.
A cousin? I don't want another cousin, I already have an older one and he's mean. He never let's me play with him but maybe I could be a better big cousin.
"Ready bud?" She asked as the elevator dinged open and I nodded eagerly rushing out of the elevator and down the hall following my mom as she led the way.
She stopped at a door and smiled at me as she walked in grabbing my hand and leading me into the tiny room.
my aunt Linda was on the bed holding a bundle of blankets while she talked with uncle bob and aunt Lisa and uncle steve and a few other people that I didn't know.
" hey guys, hey Jeremy how are you bud?" Uncle bob asked standing up and kissing my moms cheek and ruffling my hair making me smile
" excited to see my Neice! What's her name?" My mom asked excitedly rushing to the bed while I went and took a seat next to uncle bob who laughed at her excitement
" meet Jessica Beatrice " aunt linda said and I smiled, a girl cousin.
She passed her to mom and I watched as she smiled down at the baby.
" you want to hold her sweety?"my mom asked me making me Look up and see her standing In front of me
" me?" I asked and they all laughed making me shrink in my chair
" of course, you know since you're older shell look up to you" my Uncle bob said making me smile as my mom gently placed her in my arms and helped me hold her.
I looked down at the little girl who looked up at me , her brown hair was spiked up slightly and she looked up at me making me smile and a warm feeling grow in my stomach.
I had to someone to protect now like mommy protected me, and I wasn't going to let her down.
I opened my eyes snapping back into reality as I noticed the screen had locked and had stray tears on it.
I sighed out feeling my body numb as I reminisced on the memory.
I'd never forget that day, the day I knew even at only 7 that I was going to protect her.
I unlocked the phone and scrolled to the next picture ,this time it was a picture of me about 17 and Jessica about 10 passed out on my old bed in my moms house the black comforters untouched with my old guitar laying across the end.
almost instantly that memory flooded into my head also
" stupid so fucking stupid" I muttered for the tenth time slamming my head against the back of my bed still gripping onto my guitar numbly.
It was a little after 3 and I was in my room hiding from everyone.
Jessica was sleeping over and even though I'd usually be with her I just couldn't right now, I was too upset.
The day was going perfect up until we had to write about what we were going to be and of course being a musician was not an appropriate answer.
I could still hear the classmates laughter ringing in my ears and the stupid look on everyone's face when they told me how stupid I was.
Tears poured down my face and I slumped more against the headboard as I lazily started running my hands up and down the frets as my tears ran faster.
I wasnt stupid, I knew what I wanted I knew what I could achieve I didn't need them , any of them , I had my family , I had everything I needed to achieve success.
My thoughts were cut off by tiny little nocks coming from the door making me lift my head up just as my white door started creaking open revealing Jessica.
Her brown hair fell in her face and her tiny frame held one Of my shirts and some black shorts as she stepped In the room slightly.
she looked at me for a second making me push my guitar off my lap and sit up wiping my face as she stepped closer.
" yeah cutie?" I asked slowly trying to calm my breathing as she closed the door and walked towards the bed slowly.
" are you crying?" She asked and I sighed out before looking at her standing next to my bed and nodded my head wiping my face.
" but why?"
I sighed again
" nothing, don't worry about it okay?" I asked smiling a little but she shook her head.
"No , please?"
I released a breath before sitting up more and leaning towards her a little and rubbing her face making her smile.
" can I ask you a question first?"
She nodded eagerly and I smiled
" do you believe I can make it?" I asked my lip quivering slightly again
" in what?"
" in music" I said and Her eyes widened as she nodded up and down
" of course, why wouldn't I? You're going to be a rockstar!" She exclaimed .
I chuckled a little and rubbed her hair again before patting the spot next to me in which she eagerly plopped down in and leaned against me making me smile.
"At least you believe" I said sighing out
" doesn't everybody else?"
She looked up at me and I sighed out shaking my head before scooting back and laying against the pillows.
Jessica followed my actions and leaned against my chest focusing on me again.
" doesn't aunty believe?" She asked and I smiled nodding
" you know she does."
"What about the kids at school?" She asked again and I shook my head
" I'm afriad not cutie" I said and she frowned
" they're stupid then"
I laughed a little more squeezing her.
" I know"
" I think you're going to be the biggest rockstar ever and then they'll be jelous."
I smiled wider feeling my chest lighten.
" thanks kid, you'll be my biggest fan right?"
" I already am" she said smiling up at me.
This made me smile wider and squeeze her against me letting my eyes close shut as I placed a kiss on her temple.
" anything for you, you always help me when I'm sad , I think it's my turn" she muttered
I smiled before feeling her breathing slow against my chest as the room fell silent and I let my own slow as I finally felt the weight evaporate off my chest.
This kid was so special, even if we were only cousins I loved her like she was my little sister which she was, and I knew that once she got older shed go through what I do, and i was going to make sure that I'd be there like she was for me.
I had to.
I wiped my eyes smiling at the memory as a new message arrived pulling me from the memory.
I wiped my eyes before focussing on the phone smiling at the text from my mom
-I know it's tough ,trust me I'm taking it hard also, she was your best friend, and your little sister and she still is, you and I both know she's going to pull through all you need to do is hope and for now think of all the times you had together, think of the good ones to pull through the bad ones okay? Just think of them and relax, I love you and text me if you hear anything new.
I smiled before sending a short reply and locking my phone.
I closed my eyes and another memory immediately came flooding into my thoughts, this one when I was 22 and she was 14 from her 3rd week in highschool, the first day she truly opened up to me.
I had just gotten home being in La recording we stitch these wounds ,we weren't big yet but we were known and I was excited to see her after so long.
" when does she usually come home?" I asked sitting on the couch at my aunts house starring around excitedly after a year of not seeing them.
" around 2 so she should be home by now I have no idea why she's so late" my uncle said and I smiled nodding and bouncing my knee up and down waiting for her.
After a few seconds I heard the front door slam making me smile.
"Jess! Come in the living room" my aunt called smiling also " no- I have homework ill come down later" she shouted and then the sound of thundering footsteps going up the stairs echoed across the living room making me grow worried as I looked between my aunt and uncle.
" she always comes home like this, I think the work is stressing her out maybe you could talk to her, if she lets you in that is, she never let's us in" my uncle said and I nodded softly standing up
"ill go see her"
They smiled and I made my way out of the room to the stairs, I sensed it wasn't just the school work.
I got to her door and heard loud music being. I listened closer and heard soft, subtle whimpers making me freeze.
I nocked hard on the door and the music paused before a muffled voice called out.
" I don't want to talk I'm busy"
I sighed out before leaning into the door pressing my face near the crack.
" my biggest fan is too busy for me?" I asked a small smile on my lips.
There was a slight pause before the door handle turned and I leaned off the door in time for it to crack open a little revealing jess who smiled a little and opened the door fully allowing me in her room.
Once I stepped in I closed the door and she instantly burried herself into my chest and I smiled holding her close to my body.
After a few seconds however she didn't let go and I noticed her body was shaking against me. I pulled her back seeing tears cluttering her face making me frown as I swiped them away.
" hey, what's wrong ?" I asked wiping her face but stopping as my thumb ran over a blue bruise forming on her cheek.
I looked down at her and she avoided eye contact starring at the floor.
" hey, what happened?" I asked stepping back and placing my hands on her shoulders making her look at me.
She looked at me for a second before breaking into tears again.
" they hate me jinxx , all of them, I don't fit in , I have no friends, none, they all hate me except John" she sobbed into my chest and I froze gripping her tighter.
" they- they all make fun of me and t-they hit me" she sobbed harder and I felt my body tense
"hey , shh calm down, listen"
she looked at me through clouded eyes and I sighed out feeling my heart break seeing her like this.
" I've been there sweety , kids suck they don't like difference but that doesn't mean they should do that to you"
She sniffled into me staying quiet and I looked down brushing her hair from her face leading her to the bed sitting down.
She sat next to me and I wrapped my arm around her as I looked down at her.
Her brown eyes were clouded with tears and I noticed another bruise on her nose making me grow angrier
"what did they do to you?" I whispered and she shrugged wiping her eyes softly
" they hit you?"
She nodded and I groaned holding her close I was scared they would eventually.
" it's all okay Jess , understand? Whatever they say to you, I want you to not let it get to you, don't take it okay? They touch you ,you hit them back or ill go there and show them all who they're messing with" I growled and she giggled a little before nodding and reaching up to peck my cheek
" thanks jinxxy, I love you."
" I love you too , remember that" I said and she nodded
"I always do"
I smiled holding her tighter before letting go and looking in her eyes the same eyes that I stared at 14 years ago.
I knew that starting now is when I had to start keeping my Word in protecting her, I had to.
I let a breath out and opened my eyes slowing my breathing as I stared at my red room hearing nothing but a silent room as I stared at the reflected light bouncing on the ceiling from the window
My Mom was right, I felt a little better, all those memories took my mind off the reality even if it was for less than an hour, it helped.
I let out a small breath before smiling Moping would get me No where, I just had to stay positive , she would wake up, I knew it.