"I never thought I was the type to push love away, but I'd rather leave than push you away."
- Float (feat. Davey Havok), Souvenirs

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You got to thinking, which in theory was a dangerous thing for you to do.
You thought, staring up at the holographic stars that projected themselves onto the ceiling of Andy's room.
He slept soundly beside you, snoring in the lightest of ways and sending something of a smile to your face, when you were quiet enough to hear that very sound.
But your brain was loud tonight, and you weren't sure why. Maybe because love—and blue-haired friendship—had pulled through. Maybe because, for once, the underdog had won.
Maybe because all those BVB songs were right, and somewhere somehow someway, Juliet Simms was separated from you three, far and away.
You shifted a little in bed, staring at the back of Andy and wondering how many times Juliet had slept in your place. Laid where you had laid, laughed where you had cried.
You weren't sure, and before you could do much, tears began.
I should just die.
Your hand pulled into a claw against your pillow, and from above and beyond your wrist, you watched Andy continued to breathe.
I should just die. They're better off without me.
Your eyes closed but you couldn't keep your mouth shut. A hiss of a whine squeezed from your throat, and the sound shaped up into small clips of high noise.
You were better off unhappy. You wanted Warped Tour back, the first one of the year. You should've never texted him—
"Hey," a familiar voice said. Oh, great. Were you schziophrenic, too?
"Hey, ______." A hand touched your shoulder, and you nearly jumped out of your skin.
"What?!" you whisper-hissed.
Even in the dark, the moon gave just enough light for you to see your bestie smile.
"I heard a noise like someone was crying. Are you okay?"
No.
"I'm fine. Go back to sleep, you maniac."
Your friend grinned just a little at the inside joke - giving you a memory of a laugh that rebounded off the walls of her red car and reverberated back to just you two.
"I'm the one who's fine, space cadet," she mirrored, but this time you didn't smile at the shared memory. "C'mon" and she lifted you until you sat upright before dragging your feet, one by one, onto the carpet. "Let's go get you somethin' to stimulate our insides while the night is still young, padawan."
"Padawan?" you mimicked, watching as she turned to you, already halfway to the door.
"Wait, wait, wait." She bounded to Andy, whose sleeping form didn't even flinch.
"What're you—" and then your hand came to your forehead in disbelief. She was poking Andy's cheek.
"I promised tumblr I'd do this." She had her phone out, camera recording surprisingly well even in the dim moonlight.
You're so lucky you work enough to afford that damn phone.
But you kept that thought in, grabbing your outdated but still reliable cell from the nightstand as your friend stood tall, wrapping up the recording.
"And that's a wrap," she said, putting a peace sign to the corner of her eye before flipping the camera off. A tap, and the memory saved.
You thought of the selfie you took with Andy on the tour bus all those months ago. You thought a lot, as you both tiptoed down hallways and staircases, walls winding your way to the massive kitchen, broken theater area beside the tiles of the fridge, island, and countertops.
"I don't know why Andy has so many TVs," your friend said in a surprisingly quiet half-whisper. "For all those Batman flicks?"
You didn't say much, instead standing on your tip-toes to look into the upper cabinets.
"Hot cocoa?"
"Nah, I'm good. Coffee's better,"
"It's two in the morning."
"Which means my caffeine level is depleted, yo."
"Then start a pot." You withdrew a bag in between two fingers, dumping the contents in and watching the milk devour the cocoa powder. Honestly, you were surprised Andy had this, since he was much more of a coffee person, but maybe it was for guests.
Maybe it was in preperation for future children.
Your smile lasted untiil the microwaved beeped, bringing you back down to reality.
"So," your friend half-whispered from her seat at the island. "You gonna tell me what's wrong or do I have to beat it out of you?"
She punched her open hand with a fist, menacingly standing there next to an incomplete pot of beans and water.
You nearly choked, breathing in the powder at the top of your hot cocoa.
"It's nothing," you said, bringing the cup away from your lips. "I just got to thinking, that's all."
"Which..." She held your eyes, her dark blue ones never leaving as she nodded deeply. "Can be dangerous, given what your thoughts are of..."
"And... it's nothing."
"You sure?"
"No." And your eyes welled with tears. You needed some type of help, and damn it if it wasn't from your best friend. "I... just..."
I feel like I should die. And this came in a squeal of soft noise. But it was quiet enough to be heard.
"What?" your bestie said, coming close to wrap you in her arms. "Sh... No one's dying."
"I... I just..." You sobbed into her shoulder, and then, with time, those sounds of sadness bled into a growl of rage.
You broke away from her, the anger taking hold of you.
"I feel like I shouldn't exist!"
The mug exploded across the floor, cocoa seeming to stain the white tiles. Above, through the ceiling, you both heard the sound of bedsprings.
Andy was awake.
Great.
"My life is great right now." The words were coming and they wouldn't stop. "And what have I done to deserve it? Nothing. Not a damn thing."
You gestured to the ceiling as if gesturing to the heavens.
"I have completed nothing in my life, and here I am, living out the fucking dream."
"Hey, hey," your friend coaxed, hands to your upper arms. She smiled a little at you, and began to speak.
"Just because you don't have everything figured out right now doesn't mean it's all doom and gloom. You're young, bestie. Give it some time—think about what you want and go after it."
"Yeah?" you sniffed, your face a mess from the tears. Thank God you weren't wearing makeup.
"Yeah."
"Is..." Andy stood at the kitchen's entranceway, eyes shifting between you both. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah..." Your friend rubbed your back, which was actually soothing as you cracked out a smile.
"Yeah, Andy," you said. You wiped your nose with the corner of your wrist. "'s okay."
Andy gave the smallest of smiles as you were handed off to him—going from soothing rubs to strong and protective arms.
Despite forcing Andy to stoop down in order to hug you, you... felt okay. But time passed, weighing you with yet another burden.
"I'm sorry, Andy," you choked out. "I just wanted—"
You ended it there, squeezing your eyes shut and releasing a few more tears. They leaked from your eyes, pulling you into a memory. Hearing that damned song on the radio, crying in your seat before standing to scream it all away.
You thought of Juliet, the biting comment she had made about you just being a fan.
All those harsh and horrible words your ex had sent you, just mimicking the way that bat shattered Andy's window. Your ex hadn't hurt you physically, no, but it was damn near equivalent to Juliet's bat.
"I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for, babe," he said in between light shushes. And then, rocking you both back and forth, he began singing.
"I believe, that we all fall down sometime..."
"Stop!" you screamed, pushing away from him and creating an arm's length of distance. "Stop singing that song because it's not true!"
Andy's shock turned to sorrow.
"Sorry," he said quietly. "Just thought it might help."
A moment passed, and then beeping brought your attention to that damned coffee pot.
"Whoops." Your friend slid off the bar stool. "Sorry, my midnight coffee..."
You nearly choked out a smile, just imagining all the things you two had been through. Hours of driving, from one Warped location to the next, trading stories (from spooky to downright embarrassing).
She was truly your best friend. And yet you still feel like dying.
"I think... I need to be hospitalized."

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A/N: Chapter title inspired by The Thoughts We Think and All the Silence In Between

Notes