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Sorrowed Souls

01.18.09

A few hours into your and Andy's latest excursion, your phone buzzed with a text:
Like I fucking care. You should know by now that he's...
and then, right after, another one:
Hey girlie! How goes it?
You quickly sorted them out. The second, from your best friend who you playfully ditched left at Warped Tour. The first, from your ex.
Shit.
With your insides shaking, you swiped the first message, reading it in full.
It was a long one.
Like I fucking care. You should know by now that he's batshit crazy and totally idiotic. You should know by now that you aren't gonna get anyone near my level LOL. Just let him know—and your eyes skipped over the vulgar insults, recuperating at the end of the message.
Peace, retards.
And your ex's name signed the text in farewell.
You swallowed past all the guilt and regret and secondhand smoke.
Wait.
You looked up, blue aquarium light illuminating both your sight and the person you were staring at. You nearly smacked the cigarette out of his hand.
"Andy!" you whisper-hissed. "You can't smoke in here!"
He held in the breath he just took, turning to you. For a moment, you thought he'd aim that smoke right at you, but he pointed it up at the high ceiling above you.
"What's wrong?" he asked in that deep voice of his. "You seem flabbergasted."
You were. A little bit.
"Ex just texted me," you said, tossing him the phone. He reacted quick, catching it with both hands (cigarette nestled between two fingers), and quickly read the message.
"'A coward who has nothing better to do than pray on younger dipshit 'fans'?" And, to your surprise, he laughed.
"You're..." Laughing?
Yep, he was laughing, for sure. You couldn't glare, couldn't truly be angry at your idol. But the sheer audacity...
"Andy..." You watched him bow forward, hand on knee and damaged lungs still laughing.
"Sorry, sorry. It's just funny. Don't pay any mind to me, darlin'."
"Darlin'?" You asked, face twisting in confusion.
"C'mon," he briefly tugged on your hand as he passed by. "Let's get a snack."
"We just had that pizza, tho," you said, watching him walk towards the gift shop.
"C'mon, princess," he said, and instantly your heart melted. "I'll buy you a narwhal."
Instantly, that damned song went off in your head, and you couldn't help but sing it as your fingers sifted through plushed aquatic creatures.
"Narwhals, narwhals, swimming in the ocean..."
With an adorable smile, Andy quickly caught on.
"Narwhals, narwhals, causing a commotion..."
Just hearing that song in his voice... Your heart swooned and melted at the same time.
Maybe today wouldn't be so bad...


You laughed out loud, your own soul cheering at the sheer fact that you could. You could experience happiness, and your own mind was quiet for the time being. No thoughts directed at your ex, that text still haunting the very back corners of your mind.
With cheery and chattered words between you, rain began, the first few drops landing near the tip of your nose. They slid along the curves of your face, dripping off your jaw and chin and landing on the sidewalk.
Rounding the streetlamp with one arm out, Andy began to sing.
"Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again"

And he turned to you, grinning in that way of his.
"Tell me you know this one," he said. "It's a classic, lemme tell ya."
Yes. Yes, you did. You could thank your favorite parent and all their damned music that played incessantly in their favorite car.
So, with an equally big grin, you added a verse.
"The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know"

Stepping away from the pole, Andy reached for your hand, and you accepted, leaning your head on his shoulder (or whatever portion of his arm your head could reach) as you walked. Together, the next few lines came into existence.
"That when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart"

And you grinned, laughing for the sheer sake of laughing.
It was here, in that moment, that your heart made a home, digging inside deep enough to make a bed and a lamp and all those little necessities. It was there, right then, that you knew you'd never fall out of love. You were too far in[side].
Then, your phone buzzed, a familiar tone playing.
It was...
Oh, no.
Another message from your ex.
You couldn't stop yourself, couldn't hold the demons in your head back long enough to do anything but swipe, unlock, and read.
So, you birthed another moment into existence.
"Hey," Andy half-whispered, voice in such a pitch part of you cried out in such a love for his vocal chords. But the fan quickly died, another part of his message ringing out inside your soul.
Don't got anything better to do besides be some lame-ass stalker, huh?
Stalker.
Freak.
Nobody.
You had to do something, so you did.
With tears and raindrops slipping down your face, you swiped your ex's message, deleting it, and with a few taps, you had blocked his number.
A date came to you, an exact measurement of time that you thought marked the discovery of... something else. Something new.
Something real, goddammit.
And with that date in mind, you spoke those digits out into the world.
"One, eighteen, two-thousand-and-nine."
Andy turned to you, cigarette put out by rain but still between his lips. Lungs trying to suck every bit of nicotine left from a third of a stick.
He made a sound, a polite and honestly cute question of those words you had spoken, made permanent for a few moments in time.
Swallowing and coughing inside your throat, you looked down again, watching your shoes conquer the sidewalk one step at a time.
"He told me he loved me, January 18th, 2009."
That cigarette sagged, flipping downwards as Andy's expression turned adorably disheartened. You should be happy, absolutely over-the-moon, and here you were... depression planting a black hole inside of your chest as you stared at your absolute hero, your one and only celebrity crush...
You thought of all the things you'd done wrong, and after a few moments your thoughts invaded that home you had made. Chairs and tables and little lamps and all. A black sea crashed over everything, engulfing and swallowing every inch.
You felt like breaking, so you did.
The first sob came out, sounding again even after your hand clapped over your mouth.
Andy said your name gently, so gently it was if that word would break like the rest of you.
But it didn't and you stayed standing as Andy wrapped his arms around you, pulling you against him. And into your hair, he spoke. That voice in a light lilt, a light sing-song of a bridge that got you through so many tough times.
"I believe, that we all fall down sometimes..."
You nearly laughed, trying to distract yourself from feeling such pain. Like that space behind your chest would cave in, collapsing in the center like a bridge would.
And after a moment, you hummed the harmony. You hummed as he sang again, gently rocking you both.
The rain continued to fall.

You stared at the other end of the bed, the smooth sheets illuminated by Andy's bathroom light. He clicked it off, leaving you in darkness.
But the a light: a snapshot from a phone.
"Just wanted to capture you," he said, and you couldn't help but stare at him through the darkness, those eyes looking at you, viewable with the window's cascading moonlight.
He slipped into bed, and you allowed yourself to pick yourself up, allowed him to gather and lay you in his arms, your head and your dominant hand on his chest.
You could feel his heart beating beneath your skin. Reminding you things go on, we exist and we live despite the pain that can consume us.
With your eyes closing, you allowed sleep to lull you into another existence, and it was then, it was there, that you knew you were safe.
Past be damned.

A/N: I'm glad I could fit my favorite BVB song, Lost It All, into such a prominent chapter. Hope you enjoyed it!

Notes

Comments

awwww, it's finished? D: Oh weeellll, book two, here I come! :D

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
3/23/19

:D

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
3/21/19

@Mezzy18
Updated! I'll try and post one chapter a day. We're almost done with the story, anyway. Thanks for the comment!

Meaghan Kalena Meaghan Kalena
3/20/19

This book is absolutely amazing and i love it so much. please update, it's amazing. oh gosh i really don't won't me to die.

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
3/18/19

I LOVE THIS

Panda Panda
3/7/19