Consume Me

The rays of sun are kissing my eyelids and telling me to wake up, my eyes are very puffy, which remind me that I cried myself to sleep. I look at my phone to check the time: 9:00 am. Everybody should be awake by now. I go out of my room and see an empty bus, and then I see Ashley on the couch.
“Where is everybody? I ask
- They went to an interview, I said I would rather stay there to check on you and wait for you to wake up. Ash’ Answers.
- Okay, thanks, that’s sweet of you.
- Are you feeling better?
- I think so. Everything is messy in my head anyways. Feels like there are twenty people in there all wanting different things.
- And what are those things?
- For example, my mom, to be happy, to understand.” And you. But I couldn’t say that out loud. What I have been feeling for Ashley lately feels wrong, it’s just like we’re not meant to be together. Maybe my head is right for once and I should listen to it instead of my heart. I look at him straight in the eyes and it makes that flame burn in me again, just like the other night. He gets up and I know he has the same feeling. He comes closer to me and grabs my waist to kiss me. I obviously kiss him back at first but then I push him away: “You know that we’re not supposed to; I declare.
- Not supposed to what Lena? We are not engaging ourselves in anything.
- So you really want that huh?
- Yes I do, I want you, don’t you feel this tension between us since the beginning of the tour?
- I do but I don’t want to listen to it. Or I’m trying not to.
- Why resist so much? We don’t have to tell anybody.
- Why so sudden Ash’? I mean we’ve known each other for quite some time now.
- Do you think I could explain? You know that I don’t fall for anyone easily, I can’t recognize myself.
- I can’t recognize you or me or anyone neither. I really did mess everyone up did I?
- No you didn’t, you cleared our minds.” We silently stand in front of each other for a few minutes, “fuck it” I’m thinking, I grab his head in my hands and kiss him. People will say whatever they want to say. He pulls me closer to him and I am feeling the best I’ve ever felt since I came into this bus. Maybe I needed him the whole time but I kept pushing him back because I was scared of feeling… this.

At 11am everyone is back in the bus and we keep sending each other those delicious looks with Ashley. Nobody noticed and I hope they won’t just yet. I mean we slept together once but it doesn’t mean we’re a ‘thing’ right? Maybe it is now, but they can’t know.
And I need to talk to Andy about it.
Or I need to talk to Ash’ first to make things clear. I go outside and give him the “follow me please we need to talk” kind off look. He gets me and comes out with me, I carefully close the door behind us, I choose the right moment because everyone seems to be occupied inside.
“Okay so, ‘something’ happened earlier and I’m not quite sure what it was; I starts, making obviously no sense.
- What do you mean? He asks.
- Well, what are we?
- Whatever you want us to be.
- No but, like seriously, we have to be two to make such decisions.
- Ok, will you be my girlfriend then?; He leaves me speechless, I did not expect that even if it’s where I was clearly going.
- Y-Yes of course!; I jump at his neck and hug him hard. So no more chicks I guess; I whisper in his ear.
- You’re worth everything baby.” We laugh together. He called me baby and it does feel low key weird, but at the same time very smooth and satisfying.
We get back into the bus and I guess no one even noticed we went out. Andy comes to me : “Wanna smoke with me?” I nod and follow him back outside.
We first take our first puffs in silence.
“Andy we need to talk about something important; I begin to say.
- I know, I wanted to talk about it.
- How do you know?
- I felt it, and you two are showing it out so bad.
- So you’re mad.
- I am not mad, I am worried.
- You don’t even trust your two best friends?
- I do, but you know how he plays.
- Yes I do, and I also know he is very sincere about everything, so relax a little.
- I have to protect you Lena.
- And you will, and I will put my life into your hands any day.” I look at him and notice that his eyes are watery, I take him in my arms and he holds me tight.
Today felt like I figured my whole life out, which is not very true but it’s part of creating my new life, and adapting to these new people that are now my family and my everyday. Finding them a role to play is making more comfortable with my surroundings I guess.
And yet I can’t help feeling down and terrible the whole time.
Only I can pull myself out of this place I keep going in, this thing called ‘comfort zone’ that ruins me every time, hiding with my demon that I know so very well.
I go back into my room and as soon as I close the door I receive a text message.

Notes

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