Fourteen Days

It's the day when it all began. I turned 16 that day. I know that birthdays are usually labelled as happy days. You celebrate with your family - and if that's not for you, then you do it with your friends. Most importantly: You get presents.
Especiall here, in Germany, 16 is an important age. You can legally buy beer and whine from that time on. Everyone in my class would throw a huge party because of that. I mean, who doesn't like alcohol? All the cool kids do. And so did I. A little bit too much, to be completely honest.

I woke up, 7am, three hours of restlessly laying in bed. I couldn't sleep at all. I hadn't been sleeping well, my mind had been going crazy and telling me to just get up and.. do bad things.
Did I follow?
Maybe.
But there's no one to care anyways.

So I pulled myself togehter, left my bed and went straight to get my meds. The migraine had been following me for about a week, what wasn't a good sign at all, you can imagine.
Click, the pill fell out of the package. There it laid - my friend, my helper, the one I turned to when I felt nothing at all. Taking it gave me slight stomach aches showing me how my body's being too sensitive. I loved it. The pain, the shaking, the feeling of feeling. And I barely got to enjoy such things.

A look in the mirror. I haven't changed over night, I was still the worthless looser I was before. Just one year older.
I looked down on me. My thighs were laughing at me. We will never be apart, they said.
My stomach was applauding. It's been one day since I had a last meal.
My arms were aching, I did not wonder why. Red lines, white lines, normal skin. Unlike my thighs the wounds were yelling at me to finally be open again.
I did not follow their command for once, instead I made them shut up by getting long sleeves over them, then I could leave my room.

Behind me, the door went shut. Silence.
Memories shot through my mind.
When I was little, back then, when everything was okay, my mother would make the cutest breakfast to wake up to. My sister would bring all the pretty presents to the dining table. My brother would make me laugh while I had to wait in my room until they had everything done. And my father was home, not sleeping with his affair.
Funny, how fast things can change.

I had a look around the living room. No one. The kitchen - no one. My moms and my stepdads room - no one.
They really did it. They really left me all alone on the day 16 years after I - the little accident - was born. I thought they weren't serious. Maybe there would be a surprise, but no.
It was saturday, not a day they had to work. But there was still more important stuff than me.
My parents spent a day at the sauna, my sister was with her friends and my brother? I didn't know, but he was somewhere else as well.
I had a look at the insides of our fridge. Only little was left. Nothing special. Just like me.
My stomach applauded again, but I gave up. I was too worthless to be pretty and thin. And so I got too much food out of it and started to binge.

Guilt shook my body. You're gonna be fat forever.
I wanted to just throw it up, but I had yellowed teeth already and I didn't want to become even uglier. So I decided to get my mind off of what had happened and had a look at my phone instead.
2 New messages.
It was Catherine - my only friend.
Happy birthday ! Layla, I hope you have a nice day. I'll come to see you this evening, alright? I have a great present for you. <3
In the next message was a selfie of her holding up a thin present. Excitement I started to feel. That's been rare. But it's my best friend, my sunshine, my reason to keep fighting.
I guess.
At least someone to care about me. At least someone.

And so I got into my room, locked the door, turned the music up too loud. Black Veil Brides. Their music made me feel something. How precious it was to me.
And I didn't only fall for the music.. I fell for them.
It's really embarrassing to tell, but I had dreams of them. In every dream I fell in love with them. We kissed. There was more. But.. nothing more than dreams.
And so I was a girl that has kissed Jinxx, has had sex with Ashley, cuddled with Jake, had a drunk make out with CC and fell in love with Andy. But still was one of the saddest persons alive.
And all I've loved, I've loved alone.
Nothing more than my fantasy, just like the smut fanfictions I wrote on the internet.

Notes

Hello dear people,
if you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. Otherwise I'd like to get some feedback on my works.
Stay strong xxx