The Cost Of Winning

FIANNA'S POV:

"Wookit, bubby, we's home now!" Bren burbles, turning to look at Ian as we pull into the driveway. They're both strapped into their carseats in the back of my SUV, and the dogs are all looking over their heads from their crates in the back.

Ash glances into the backseat with a grin and says, "That's right, we're home, guys! And I don't have to go anywhere again for another three months."

The band just finished their stint on the final Warped Tour a few days ago, and since their last show was in Denver, the kids and I went out there, and the four of us spent a couple of days with Ben and his folks afterward, giving him the chance to finally meet Ian in person, instead of just seeing him on a computer screen. He's getting big enough that he's becoming a bit more aware of his surroundings, and is starting to be quite social, so he just lapped up all of the attention he got from everyone.

But unless it's feeding time, his favorite person in the world is his big sister, he just lights up and starts babbling whenever he sees her. And she loves to help take care of him, she'll play with him and give him cuddles for hours, as long as it doesn't involve changing a diaper. She'll bring me or Ash a clean one, and tell us if he's "stinky", but she won't even watch while we change him, because it's "ucky".

I turn off the engine, we get out, and Ash goes around to open the back hatch, while I unbuckle Bren and get Ian's carrier out of the seat. The dogs are excited to be home, too, after several days at the kennel, and they bolt out into the yard and start taking laps around the house. "Stop!" Smidge calls to them. "We's needs to go inside!"

"Let 'em run for awhile, cutie," Ash says, as he unlocks the door. "They've been cooped up for almost a week, they need to burn up some energy."

I carry Ian inside, set his carrier on the floor, and ask Bren, "Do you think you can watch your brother for a minute while I help Daddy get the suitcases?"

She nods and plops down next to him, saying, "Me watches bubby, him won'ts go noplace." As I turn back to the door, I see her start tickling his feet, which causes him to erupt in giggles.We go to grab the bags, then call the dogs in, and when we get back inside, Bren and Ian are both laughing.

"What's funny, sweetie?" Ash inquires, which elicits another giggle.

"Bubby am's funny when him waffs," she informs him. "Him make me waff, too."

"Yeah, a baby laughing is pretty cute," I reply. "You could always make me laugh when you did when you were little like him."

Ash lifts him out of the carrier, and I put it up out of reach of the dogs, and head toward the kitchen. Bren follows along behind me, while Ash goes to put Ian down for a nap, and asks me, "Mommy, cans Ivy comes over to pway? Ands Navi, too? Ands Abby and Haywee, and Cody?"

I look at the clock, and see that it's after four o'clock, so I tell her, "Not today, Smidge, it's almost time for supper, and Aunt 'Kaela is bringing the twins over tomorrow anyway. But after we eat, I can call Mr. Jeff and Miss Karla, and Navid's mommy, and see if they can come over too. Do you think you can be okay with that?"

"Can's us has ice kweem after supper, then?" she fires back. "Ands a moobie?"

"Only four years old, and she's already a little negotiator," Ash chuckles as he comes into the room. "So what do you think, Mom?"

"We can definitely have a movie," I reply. "And ice cream if you eat all of your supper."

"Then I'ms can be otay, Mommy. Can's we has skibetty, ands some meat bobs?"

Ash checks the freezer, and says, "Sorry, no meatballs today. We can have plain spaghetti, or I can grill some chicken."

She decides to stick with the pasta, so I get the water started on the stove, while Ash puts together some garlic bread, and Bren helps gather everything out of the pantry. We eventually get the food on the table, and have a nice family dinner, then she helps Ash load up the dishwasher, while I call everybody to set up a mass playdate for tomorrow.

When they come into the living room, she goes to the movie rack and decides on watching "The Aristocats", bringing it to Ash so he can set up the DVD player while I help her have her bath and get into her pajamas. Ian wakes up hungry while I'm doing this, so we pick him up on the way back, and she follows Ash to the kitchen to help him with the ice cream while I feed him.

They come back, and she burrows between us on the couch, with a bowl of orange sherbert and vanilla ice cream on her lap, waiting for the movie to start. She looks at me and Ian for a second, and says, "Mommy, since we don'ts needs toofs to eats ice kweem, can's bubby has some? Me wills share wif he."

Ash and I look at each other, and he quirks an eyebrow at me, letting me know that he's going to let me decide. I consider it for a second, and tell her, "Well, he's too small to have very much, because it might upset his tummy. But if you want to, you can give him a little taste, and see if he likes it."

She dips up some with her spoon, moving it toward him, and Ash very quickly explains that he's not big enough for a regular spoon yet. He stands up, getting ready to go get a baby spoon from the kitchen, when she just sticks a finger into the bowl, and then into Ian's mouth. He sucks on her finger, then makes a face, and she says, "Him's don't wikes norange, me thinks. Can's me twy the banilla?"

"The orange might be a little sour for him now," Ash speculates. "Go ahead and try a bit of vanilla, we'll see how that goes."

She covers her finger in ice cream and puts it up to Ian's mouth again, and this time he doesn't want to let go of her finger, and keeps smacking his lips when she finally takes it out. We let her give him a couple more small licks, and then stop, so it doesn't give him a stomachache. I start up the movie, and we all cuddle on the couch until it's over, then let her watch a couple of episodes of "Scooby Doo", until she starts nodding off, and leaning into my lap.

Ash picks her up, and carries her to her room, while I follow with Ian. I put him into his crib, then go across to her room to kiss her goodnight while he tucks her in, and she's out before I can even pick out a book to read to her. And even though it's still fairly early, we decide to take advantage of the luxury of having them both asleep at once and head for bed ourselves, but we have no intention of sleeping just yet.

Afterward, I'm lying with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, while he runs his fingers up and down my arm. He lets out sort of a laugh, so I look up at him and ask, "What's so amusing, babe?"

"I was just thinking that maybe five or six years ago, before I met you, I doubt that anyone would have seen me like this, not even me."

"Like what?"

"In a solid relationship, and being a dad. Fuck, just being responsible, period. But now I can't imagine my life any other way."

I prop myself up on one elbow, so I'm looking down at him, and smile. "So no regrets, then?" I inquire.

"Fucking things up the first time, and losing all that time with you and Bren," he responds. "But besides that, not even one. The three of you are the best things that ever happened to me, and as long as I have you, that's really all that matters."

"So you don't think that you're gonna miss just being able to travel on a whim, or be able to move around like you used to?" I ask.

"I'll still get to travel with the band whenever we're on tour," he responds. "And when Ian's a little bigger, I'd like to show all of you some of the awesome places I've seen. I think you'd love Japan, and Hawaii is gorgeous, so that's something I'm definitely looking forward to."

"Ummm, that does sound nice," I murmur.

"And as for being able to move around, that's not important anymore. I know that Bren and Ian need to be stable, and have things be familiar for them. And I'm fine with that, because wherever you are is home for me."

"And wherever you are is where we want to be," I whisper, as I lay back down and feel his arms go around me. "Good night, Ash. I love you."

"Love you, too, babe. Sweet dreams," he says, and we both drift off to sleep, knowing that no matter what comes at us, we can get through it together.

Notes