The Cost Of Winning

ASHLEY'S POV :

I step off the elevator and walk down the hall to Fi's room , swinging the bag I'm carrying in one hand . They're finally letting her come home today , and I'm honestly not sure who's happier about it ; me , her , or Bren .

I push the door open , and see her sitting on the edge of the bed , talking to Dr . Wesson . "Is it okay for me to come in ?" , I ask , and they both turn to look at me .

"Absolutely ." , the doctor says . "We're just going over what she needs to do when she goes home , and what to look out for this time ."

I hand the bag to Fi , saying , "I brought you some fresh clothes to wear , since I didn't think you'd want to go out in your pajamas ."

She thanks me , and goes to the bathroom to change . While she's doing that , Dr .Wesson goes over what I should keep an eye out for , and what she can and can't do until she heals up . After a few minutes , she comes back out , and the doctor calls for someone to bring a wheelchair , so we can finally leave .While they stop at the desk for her to sign out , I grab her books and things and run down to get the car and move it closer to the exit . Just as I pull up to the front , the orderly wheels her out , and I get out and come around to open the door .

I help her out of the chair and into the car , fastening her belt before I go back around . As I close my door , she looks over at me and says , "Now I know what Smidge meant the last time , when she said we'd been here 'lots and lots of years' . I never knew it was possible to get so sick of a place ."

"Oh , Bren definitely agrees with you ." , I inform her . "She asked me yesterday exactly how long you'd been gone , since , as she informed me , her 'numberers don't work yet' . I said that it had been five days , and she got worried that she had 'grewed up' so much that you wouldn't recognize her anymore . So I guess we should get going , and get you home before she makes Miki and Ryan crazy ."

I pull away from the hospital , heading for home , and we chat a bit on the way . She tells me that Web's friend came to see her yesterday , and they talked about the first surgery , and exactly what the guy said when she called him , to start getting everything ready for the lawsuit . As we drive , I take a small detour , and show her that the embroidery place now has a 'For Sale' sign on the side of the building . I saw that the other day , and when I checked into it , I heard that his wife was divorcing him , and that some of her relatives had either loaned him money , or invested in the business . They had apparently all demanded their money back , so he has to sell .

"Well , that sucks for the people who were still working there , but he pretty much deserves it ." , she says . "We always knew he was an asshole , I just didn't know how much of one until then ."

A few minutes later , we pull into the driveway , and I help her out of the car and up the walkway . As I open the front door , we hear an ear - splitting shriek , "Mommy here ! Daddy bwinged her back !" , and she has herself wrapped around Fianna's knees before we make it all the way inside .

"You's home ! Me misses you wots of bunches , Mommy ! Me needs tisses !" , she says , with her face buried in the skirt of Fi's dress .

"I missed you , too , sweetie ." , Fianna tells her . "But I can't do anything until you let go of my legs ."

Ryan starts prying her fingers out of Fi's skirt , saying , "Why don't you let Daddy get Mommy over to the couch , and then you can sit with her . Okay , shortstuff ?" She holds on for a minute , but finally lets him pick her up , and we walk over to the couch .

I help her sit down , and Bren instantly wriggles loose and climbs up next to Fianna , wrapping her arms around Fi's neck , and peppering her face with kisses . "Me was 'fwaid that you was go byebye , too , but Daddy say 'No' , and him were wight ! The hopsickle peoples maked the bad stuffs go 'way , and yous all gooder again ."

"No , Bren , Mommy's not all better yet ." , I tell her . "She still has to let her owie get better , so we still have to help her with some things , to be sure that she won't get sick again ."

Fi has her arms around Bren , with one hand playing with her hair , and she keeps kissing her forehead and nose . "Daddy's right , Smidge , I won't be able to play much , or help you with your bath for awhile , so you'll have to be a big girl for Daddy until I can do those things again ."

"But yous wills be here , and us cans play colors , and yous wills wead mines stories for night night , wight ? And yous not go 'way some more ?"

"Yes , I can do that , and I don't plan on going anywhere again ." , Fianna replies .

We all sit and talk for awhile , and Miki and Ryan tell us that they've finally decided on names for their twins . They've been debating for awhile , and finally decided to each pick a name , since they've had so much trouble agreeing . Ryan informs us that his choice is Abigail Hope , and Miki says that the other one will be called Haylee Dawn . "So now , since my mom is working her butt off to put together a baby shower , people can load us up with monogrammed stuff that they'll grow out of in fifteen minutes ." , Miki laughs .

"So if this works anything like the wedding registry stuff , just make a list , and specify that initials and whatnot only go on things they don't wear , like blankets , or things for their room ." , I say .

"That's not a half - bad idea ." , she replies . "How do you know so much about that stuff ?"

"I have two bandmates who've gotten married , and one who's engaged right now , so I've run into a registry or two ."

They hang out for another hour or so , and then they have to leave , to go to some event with Miki's folks , so they both hug Fi , and make plans to come over again after work tomorrow . After they leave , I think about making dinner , but I don't really feel like cooking , so I ask the girls what they'd like to have . We talk it over , and I wind up calling Planet Sub to have sandwiches and soup delivered . We let Bren pick a movie to watch , and when they bring the food , we all just sit in the living room and eat , while we watch the "Peanuts" movie , and then "Winnie the Pooh" .

Toward the end of the second movie , Bren starts to yawn , so Fi asks me to go get one of her books , so she can read it to her . I go to her room and grab a book , and then sit on the end of the couch and listen to Fianna read "The Monster at the End of This Book" , doing voices and everything , while Bren giggles between yawns .

When she finishes , she closes the book , and says , "Okay , Smidge , give me kisses , and let Daddy get your teeth brushed and put you to bed , okay ?"

"No ! Wants to seep wif you , Mommy !"

"No , Bren , you can't sleep with Mommy , you might hurt her tummy ." , I tell her . "But I tell you what . Instead of sleeping in your own room tonight , I'll put you in your other bed in Mommy's room , so she'll be there when you wake up . How does that sound , cutie ?"

She scrunches her face for a minute , as if she's thinking it over , then she nods , and says , "Otay , Daddy . Me gives Mommy tisses , then me wills go night night ."

She wraps her arms around Fi's neck and kisses her several times , then says , "Night night , Mommy , me wuvs you . You is my goodest fwend ."

"I love you , too , sweetie , and I missed you while I was gone . Be good for Daddy , and I'll see you in the morning ." , Fi says , kissing her nose and tickling her .

I take her to the bathroom and get her teeth brushed , then get her into her Big Bird nightgown and tuck her in . I sing her a song , then kiss her and say goodnight . She hugs me , and says , "Night night , Daddy , me wuvs yous . And don'ts fordot , Daddy ."

"I love you , too . And don't forget what ?" , I ask .

"Mommy feels gooder now , so don'ts fordot to's sowwy she , Daddy . Then yous wills be fwends some more ."

I smooth her hair back , and say , "I remember , sweetie , I'm going to do that right now . Good night , Bren . Sweet dreams ."

I turn on her nightlight and leave the room , heading back toward the living room . Fianna is still sitting on the couch , and I ask , "Do you want to watch another movie ? I'm sure we have something around here that isn't a cartoon , don't we ?"

She asks me to help her get to the bathroom first , so I walk her there , then wait outside the door until she comes out , and we walk back to the couch .

"Ash , if you have paperwork , or band stuff , or something you need to do , don't let me stop you . I'll be fine ." , she says .

I sit down next to her , and look her in the eye . "Are you trying to tell me nicely that you don't feel like hanging out with me ?" , I ask her .

'No , of course not ! That's not what I meant ! I just don't want you to feel like you have to neglect everything else for me ."

"Truthfully , Fi , what I really want to do now is talk ." , I tell her . "I've wanted to do this for quite awhile , and something always seems to get in the way ."

"What do you want to talk about ?" , she inquires , looking both confused and mildly concerned .

"The fact that I'm the biggest fucking idiot on the planet ." , I respond , which makes her look even more confused . "Fi , I had a talk with Miki the day you got sick , about my promise not to lie to Bren . She reminded me that I'd made the same promise to you , and that I didn't just break it , I smashed it into dust . I saw the video , Fi . The one from the awards dinner , and I am so incredibly sorry I screwed that up for you ."

She doesn't say anything for several seconds , just looks at me , and then she takes a deep breath , and finally says , "Yeah , I remember . Hell of a way to cap things off , looking at my phone and seeing my boyfriend with his face buried in someone else's tits . Y'know , I always told myself I didn't really want to know this , but I'm gonna ask anyway : Was she the only one , or were there others ?"

For a minute , that doesn't make any sense at all , but then it dawns on me : She thinks I was cheating on her !

"No ! Don't think that , not even for a second ! I never once cheated on you , I never even thought about it ! That picture was just me being stupid , and drinking a shot from the glass between her boobs ."

She looks rather skeptical , and shoots back , "Then what were you doing , Ash ? We were together for a year , but the last two and a half months , we only had sex three times ! I know you well enough to know that you won't go without for that long by choice , so what the hell was I supposed to think ?"

I have to admit that I can see how it might look that way , and I tell her , "I knew it would bug you if I woke you up really late , since you had classes , so most of the time I just got too hammered to worry about it , or just took care of things myself in the shower . Now tell me something . If you honestly thought that , why didn't you dump me before ?"

"Because , about the time things started getting weird , I found out about Brenna ." , she says , looking up at the ceiling . She stops for a few seconds before continuing , and what she says next feels like a kick in the chest . "I kept trying to find the right time to tell you , but things kept getting screwed up . But I figured that when I told you , maybe then you'd finally tell me what was wrong , so I could try to fix it . Or at least , if I couldn't , maybe we could keep things civil , for her ."

By the time she stops talking , I can see tears dripping from her face , and when I realize that she had actually thought that she was the one who needed to change , I actually start crying myself . "Why would you think that you needed to fix anything , when I was the one acting like an ass ? And why did Bren hear you tell Miki that you thought I was bored ? There's no way that could ever happen . You are so beautiful , and smart , and you always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world . How could I get bored with that ?"

"But the other girls you were with knew stuff that I don't , they actually had experience , so I thought maybe you ..."

"That I was even stupider than I actually was ? No , sweetheart , get that out of your mind right now . The biggest problem we had was me , and I didn't even really understand what I was doing until a couple of days ago . And I didn't even do that myself , Ryan figured it out !"

"Figured out what ?" , she asks .

I walk across the room and grab a box of tissues , then come back to the couch and start drying her face . As I do , I say , "He figured out that I was so fucking insecure that my stupid subconscious or something made me feel like I needed to test you , to see how much you'd let me get away with . I was trying to prove to myself that you really loved me , but what I was actually doing was making you feel like you didn't matter , and I'll regret that for the rest of my life , because the biggest mistake I ever made was not doing whatever I needed to do to let you know how much you mean to me . Fianna , do you think that there's any chance at all that maybe we can try again ? Is there something I can do to make you not hate me ?"

"Ash , I don't hate you . Yeah , I was pissed off that night at Andy's , when you said what you did about Bren , and when you took me to court , but I'm over that ." , she whispers . "And even then I didn't hate you . I wanted to , but I couldn't seem to manage it . Made Miki crazy , she thought that Ryan and I were both nuts for even thinking about giving you a chance with Smidge . But I told her that if there was any chance that the guy I used to know was still in here somewhere , Bren shouldn't miss out on getting to know him . And he is still here , and he's an amazing dad , so I got that right . But tell me honestly , are you doing this because of Bren ? Because I have no intention of trying to keep her away from you . She adores you , and I wouldn't do that to either of you ."

I cup her face in my hands , look her in the eye , and say , "Fianna , you know I love Bren to pieces , but this isn't about her . This is about me knowing that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't try to make you understand how important you really are to me . I realized on my birthday how much I've actually missed you , but I wasn't sure how you'd feel , so I didn't say anything . Should I have kept quiet ?"

She stares at me for several seconds , and I almost forget to breathe . But then I hear , "I've missed you too , Ash ." , and it comes out in a rush . I wrap my arms around her and cradle her to my chest , and we just sit here like this for awhile , not talking , no TV , nothing but the two of us , until I hear a faint yawn , and realize that she's almost asleep .

"Come on , love , you've had a long day . Lets get you to bed ." , I say , as I manage to get both of us off of the couch . I walk her to her room and get her into bed , then kiss her goodnight , which I haven't been able to do for entirely too long .

"Stay , please ?" , she mumbles , as I start to get up .

"I would love to , but I'm not going to risk hurting you accidentally , Fi ." , I whisper back , so I don't wake Bren . "I'll sit here until you go to sleep , and then I'll go to my room . But as soon as you're better , I can't think of anything I want more than to go to sleep with you in my arms , and to wake up the same way ."

"Promise ?"

"I promise , darlin . It's like Bren says , you don't lie to someone you love , so I swear to you on my grandparent's memory , I will never lie to you again ."

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