The Cost Of Winning

ASHLEY'S POV :

We sit in the waiting room for another couple of hours , until they come and tell us that they've moved Fianna to a room , and we can finally go see her . I go in first , and see that she's still sedated , but she definitely looks better than she did a few hours ago . She's a little pale , but she doesn't seem to be in a lot of pain , and when I get closer to the bed , I can tell that her temperature has gone down considerably .

Miki and Ryan are following right behind me , and as we gather around the bed , I notice that Miki seems to be a bit more rattled than she was a few minutes ago . "Hey , are you okay there ?" , I ask her , which causes Ryan's head to snap around .

"Babe , what's wrong ? Do you want me to go get somebody ?" , he asks .

She holds up her hand and shakes her head , then takes a couple of deep breaths , and finally says , "No , I'm fine . Just sort of having flashbacks to when Smidge was born ."

Ryan helps her into a chair , then sort of props himself on the windowsill next to her , and I take the chair on the other side of the bed . "What exactly happened then ? Nobody's ever really said ." , I inquire .

"After we got here , we stayed with my brother and his girlfriend for awhile , since we couldn't get an apartment until I got my first paycheck from my new job . We all kind of noticed that she wasn't feeling really great , but we thought it was just from all the stress ." , she explains . "We went out to do some shopping one night , and she just dropped in the middle of Target . The ambulance came , and after we got to the ER , they figured out that she had something called preeclampsia , and her blood pressure had spiked . The doctor said that if they didn't do a C - section pretty quick , it was likely that neither of them would make it . I guess it was a good thing that it happened then , and not when we were all at work and she was home by herself ."

When she says that , I feel a huge lump in my stomach . What if she hadn't left when she did ? If I'd actually known that she was pregnant , would I have pulled my head out of my ass and gotten things back on track ? Or would I have just kept doing the same stupid shit , and maybe come home some morning to find out that I'd lost both of them ? Just thinking about it makes me feel like throwing up , I don't think there would've been any way I could've lived with myself if that had happened .

"What I don't get is why she didn't tell one of us that she didn't feel good .", Ryan says . "You were just there visiting , and Ash has been there the whole time , so it's not like she didn't have plenty of opportunity ."

"If I had to guess , it was because she was pushing herself to get better as quick as possible , so she could go back to work and get out of Ashley's way , so he can have his space back ."

"But that's just ridiculous !" , I finally blurt out . "I told her that they're both welcome to stay as long as they want to . Why would she think that she needed to do that ?"

"Well , I don't know if you've noticed , but Fianna kind of has a little habit of trying too hard to make everybody else happy ." , Ryan interjects . "She had to move in with you to have help taking care of Bren , but she probably feels like she's getting in the way of you having the freedom to be able to do whatever you want to do ."

Then , Miki totally surprises me by saying , "I pretty much have to agree with him , since I'm pretty sure that the only reason she went pre - med was because her dad wanted her to ."

"She didn't think that you knew about that ." , I tell her .

"She never confirmed it , but I always kind of suspected ." , she replies . "When did she tell you ?"

"I didn't even know until recently . My Pop actually got her to admit it during Thanksgiving dinner . From what she said , she never even bothered to think about what she actually wanted to do ."

"Yeah , and when she was fifteen she apparently gave up most of her social life to take care of her grandma , when she got sick . She said that the only outside activity she really kept up with was swim team , because her grandma insisted ." , Ryan chimes in . "She said that her grandma told her she needed some sort of activity to put down on her college applications . But from what Fi has said about her , I'd be willing to bet that she only told her that because it was the only way to get her to stay with it ."

Suddenly , what she said in the ambulance pops back into my head . "Don't go , Mama , I don't want to stay by myself . I promise I'll be good ." , and I have a moment of total clarity . Now I understand why she put up with my shit for as long as she did , even though she probably doesn't . When her mom left , it somehow put the idea into her subconscious that it was her responsibility to make everyone else happy , to keep them from leaving , which meant that everybody else's needs came before hers . So she put aside her own dreams and ambitions for her dad , her social life and what was left of her childhood for her grandma , and damn near all of her self - esteem for me , just to keep from disappointing one of us .

This slams into me like a kick in the chest , and I can't stop myself from bursting into tears , which startles the hell out of Ryan and Miki . They move around the bed , on either side of me , and I finally manage to tell them about what she said , and what I've finally figured out .

Miki hands me a handful of tissues from her purse , and says , "Yeah , that actually makes sense . But what I've never been able to figure out is what your problem was ! You guys were practically sickening when you first got together , and then it was like everything just fell apart all at once . First you start turning off your phone when you're out , then you're coming home totally shitfaced , and then maybe not at all , so what the fuck happened ?"

Having her just straight - up ask me that finally forces me to actually think about an answer , and I suddenly remember the first time I shut my phone off . It was just a few days before her birthday , and I was hanging out with the band and some of our other friends , when I realized that I'd missed a call from her , because of all of the noise . I was sort of scrambling to call her back , and Danny said , "Never thought I'd see the day that some bird would have Ashley Purdy on the end of a leash . So , does she give you a curfew , too ?"

Maybe I'd had a bit too much to drink at the time , but that sort of hit a nerve , and I just shut off my phone , and kind of told myself , "If she really cares about me , she'll trust me . I shouldn't have to check in every time I turn around ." I knew why it bothered her , but I just disregarded that , and the whole mess just progressed from there .

As I attempt to explain this to Miki , Ryan just sort of sits there watching me , and when I finish , he says , "Kinda sounds to me like you were testing her or something . Sort of like , 'I wonder how much I can get away with before she finally gets tired of it' . Like you needed her to prove that she really cared about you , which pretty much tells me that you were just as insecure as she was ."

"Was I really that fucking stupid ?" , I ask myself . It sounds ridiculous when he first says it , but when I think about it for a few minutes , it starts to make more sense . Other than when I was with Kina , my relationship with Fi was the longest I'd had , and even with Kina it was on and off several times . But every other time , things fell apart , either because they didn't trust me , or because they were more interested in what I do than in who I am as a person . So maybe I was insecure , and I let myself freak out when I realized how serious I actually was about her . But now that I know what went wrong , is there any chance of fixing it ?

We talk for awhile longer , until Dr . Wesson comes in to check on her , and tells us that visiting hours are almost over . Miki and Ryan get up to leave , but I turn to her and say , "I'm not going anywhere unless you have me thrown out . There's no way I'm going to take a chance on her waking up alone , not knowing what the hell is going on ! Besides , I need to be sure that she's all right , so please don't ask me to leave ."

She just looks at me for a minute , then puts a hand on my shoulder and says , "All right , Mr . Purdy , I'll let the nurses know . But if you want to go get yourself something to eat or drink , go do it now , while I'm here . You can only stay if you don't go wandering the halls after hours , because we don't want anyone else to complain about the rules getting bent , do we ?"

I go down the hall to grab a couple of drinks from the vending machine , while Ryan goes to the cafeteria to find me some food . While he's gone , I ask Miki , "Will you guys check in on Bren when you leave , and tell her where I am ? And if somebody can come and sit with Fi for awhile tomorrow , I'll go and spend some time with her , and grab my laptop so they can Skype when she wakes up ."

I just about fall over from shock when she actually reaches out and hugs me , and says , "Since you're not going home , Ryan and I will just crash over at Uncle Bill's place tonight , since she's already there . That way , we can be there when she wakes up in the morning . She's spent the night at our house a couple of times , so she's sort of used to that . Then one of us can come back here , and you can just drive to their house and explain to her why she's staying there ."

"Thanks , Miki , I really appreciate it ."

Patting her stomach , she replies , "If it wasn't for these two , I'd be camping out here myself , but since I can't , I'm depending on you to keep an eye on her . And since you seem to have your act together a lot more than you did back in LA , that doesn't worry me nearly as much as it used to . I'm starting to get the feeling that you care more about her than she thinks you do , now you just have to figure out how to convince her of that ."

As Ryan comes back in with a styrofoam food container , I tell her , "Trust me , that's my first order of business when she's up to it . I'm fully aware that I fucked things up royally , and I'll do whatever I need to do to fix it ."

They finally leave , and I force down the barely - passable stir - fry that Ryan brought me , then sit back down next to the bed , and take hold of one of her hands . "Please wake up , Fi ." , I whisper . "Bren needs you , and so do I . I need you to come back , so I can tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you . And so I can figure out if I have a hope in hell of getting you back , or if I'm going to have to hate myself for the rest of my life ."

She doesn't respond , so I just sit here , holding her hand and talking to her , until I fall asleep .

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