The Cost Of Winning

FIANNA'S POV :

"You really don't have to do this , honey ! You're a guest ." , Ashley's aunt tells me as I gather plates from the cabinet and start setting the table .

"I don't like sitting around watching everyone else do all the work ." , I tell her . "We usually have the holidays with my best friend and her fiancee , and I always help her with dinner ."

"That's one thing I remember quite well , Aunt Carol ." , Ash says , as he walks in , carrying Bren . "She's one hell of a cook !"

"Daddy , you said a naughty !" , Bren informs him . "Now me gets a twarter , right , Mommy ?"

"You're right , cutie , I forgot ." , he laughs , fishing in his pocket , and handing her some coins .

"Them's not twarters ." , she says , looking in her hand .

I look to see what he's given her , and say , "No , that's two dimes and a nickel , Smidge . That's the same amount of money as a quarter , so you're good ."

"You is sure , Mommy ?"

"Yes , I'm sure . Now why don't you stick those in my pocket , so they don't get lost until we can put them in your bank , okay ?"

She puts them in the pocket of my jeans , and goes back over to sit in Ashley's lap . His aunt chuckles , and asks , "So with that little rule in place , how much money has she gotten off of him so far ? The boy always did have a bit of a mouth on him ."

"Believe it or not , this is his first quarter ." , I reply , and everyone in the kitchen turns to look at him , shocked .

"Who are you , and what have you done with my nephew ?" , his uncle asks .

"Hey , I DO know how to speak without swearing , I just forgot this time ." , he protests . "And I was just stating a fact , anyway ."

"Mommy , cans we has the nummy tatoes that you makes at Aunt 'Kaela house ?" , Brenna inquires .

"Not this time , Smidge . Aunt Carol and Uncle Bill are making dinner this time ."

"Not so fast , hon !" , Ashley's aunt interjects . "If you really don't mind helping , and there's something that the baby really wants , we can always use another dish ."

Ash and his uncle also encourage me to make Bren her "nummy tatoes" , so I check through the fridge and cabinets , and find out that all I need is sour cream , so Ash takes Bren and drives down the road to the convenience store to get some , while I get the rest of it together . When they come back , I stir in the sour cream , then put the pan in the oven , and make up some iced tea .

We finally get the food on the table , and sit down to eat . Ashley's grandad says grace , then works on carving the turkey as we start passing around the other dishes . Bren decides to try a piece of okra , and then decides , very quickly , that she doesn't like it , so I stick with just putting some turkey , corn , bread , and the potatoes on her plate . I'm kind of surprised when I see Ash take a helping of the potatoes , since that sort of thing isn't normally on his list of "approved" foods .

"Wow , Fi , those ARE good !" , he says . "I don't remember you ever making these before ."

"I didn't have the recipe when we were dating ." , I told him . "I just found this one right before last Christmas ."

"Carol , make sure you talk the girl out of this recipe before she goes home ." , Ashley's grandad says between bites . "I think I could get used to having these a little more often ."

"Not a problem , I'll write it down after dinner ." , I say .

We work our way through dinner , and then Ashley's aunts bring out the desserts . Bren has a bit of trouble deciding if she wants cake or pie , but finally decides on apple pie when she sees that she can have ice cream with it , and Ash and I each have a slice of coconut cake .

As were eating , Ashley's Uncle Bill looks over at me and says , "So , Fianna , Ash said that you wanted to be a doctor , is that right ?"

I think about that for a few seconds , and finally tell them something I've never told anyone before , not even Miki . "Well , I was studying to be a doctor , but I can't honestly say that it was what I WANTED to do ."

"Then why would you study for it , then ?" , one of his cousins inquires .

"Because that was what my dad wanted to do since he was little , and I'm the reason he didn't get to do it . He was always so proud when I got good grades in school , and I heard him telling my grandma that I wouldn't have any trouble getting into med school , so I decided to do it , so he could be proud of me ."

Ashley is just staring at me , with his mouth hanging open , and a forkful of cake suspended halfway between the plate and his face . After a few seconds , he puts down the fork and says , "Do you mean that you spent all that time and effort working on something you didn't even want to do ?"

"I knew it was what my dad wanted , and after he died , I figured that was the only way I had to honor his memory ." , I reply .

"Tell me something , girl ." , Ashley's grandad says . "Was he a good dad ? Did he treat you right , and let you know you were loved ?"

"Yes , he did , I never even questioned that ."

"Then I'm sure he would've been proud of whatever you did , as long as you tried your best at it . A parent that really loves their kids doesn't do it on the condition that they let the parents choose how they live . Would you love that little girl any less if she doesn't make the choices you want her to ?"

"Of course not !" , I say . "As long as she's not hurting anyone , I'll be happy with whatever she wants to do ."

"And I'm sure he would've said the same , if somebody had asked him ." , he states .

We finish eating , and I offer to help with the dishes , but Ashley's aunts shoo me away , so I go to the living room and color with Smidge for awhile , until it's time to put her to bed . When I go to carry her up , she asks Ash to come along and help tuck her in , so the three of us go up together . I get her into her pajamas , and she fusses a bit about brushing her teeth , until Ash reminds her that she won't get her music lesson if she doesn't . I tuck her in after she gives us both goodnight kisses , and Ash sings to her until she falls asleep .

As we head downstairs , I say , "It's a good thing you can do that when she asks , since I couldn't carry a tune if it had handles ."

Maybe not , but you're good at things that I can't do , too ." , he informs me . "You're a much better cook than I am , and there's not a snowballs chance in hell I would've passed all of those classes you were taking . Biology , maybe , but I took a peek at your chemistry book one time , and I might as well have been reading Latin or something ."

I walk outside , onto the front porch , and he follows along , leaning up against the railing , as I sit on the porch swing .

"You never said anything about that before ." , he finally says . "I never had any idea that you didn't really want to go to medical school ."

"Miki doesn't even know that ." , I inform him . "Nobody did , until now . It doesn't really matter now , anyway ."

"So what DO you want to do ?" , he asks .

"To be completely honest , I don't even know . I never thought about it . I can't think about it now , I just have to concentrate on taking care of Bren . I couldn't go back to school even if I wanted to , anyway . When I got the rest of my dads insurance on my birthday , that went toward the medical bills from when Bren was born ."

"Went toward ?" , he asks . "Does that mean you're still paying that ?"

"Yup . There was my surgery , and she was in the ICU for almost three weeks , and in the hospital for ten weeks altogether , so that racked up some numbers . Fortunately , the biggest part is taken care of now ."

He's quiet for a couple of minutes , then he looks at me and says , "When we get back home , get them to give you a printout of whatever's left , and give it to me . I'll take care of it ."

"Ashley , I wasn't asking you for money , I ..."

He cuts me off , saying , "I know that , Fi , you never have . But this is as much my responsibility as yours , and I'd like to do my part . Besides , the longer it drags out , the more interest they tack on , and the more it'll be in the long run . And without that to worry about , you'll have a little more breathing room , and be able to do more things , for both of you . Maybe you can even figure out what you actually want to do , and go back to school or something ."

"I think that would probably have to wait until she goes to school , but I do appreciate the thought ." , I respond . "And if you're sure you want to do this , then I'll call them on my lunch break Monday , and get the bill sent out ."

He moves away from the rail , and walks over to the swing , sitting down next to me . He looks me in the eye , and says , "I've found out things about you in the last two days that I didn't know during the entire year that we were together . You never talked about your mom , and that told me everything I needed to know about why you left . I never should've said what I did at Andy's that night , but I'd accidentally heard part of a conversation you had with Miki , about some friend of yours that told her boyfriend that to get attention . I knew you were mad at me , so I convinced myself that you were doing the same thing , just to yank my chain or something ."

"I remember that , we were talking about a girl that I worked with . But if you'd listened to the whole conversation , you would've known that I thought she was a selfish , inconsiderate little twit , and that he would've been better off dumping her ass ."

"And if I hadn't been half - lit , I would've known it was stupid anyway . I was a complete jackass , and I'm sorry . I know there's no way to undo all of this crap , but I hope maybe we can at least be friends again , and not just play at being nice for Brenna . Do you think there's any chance of that ?" , he inquires , with a hopeful , but almost sad , look in his eyes .

I look at him , and I don't see any indication that he's not being truthful with me . I think for a second , and realize that I'm tired of all of the tension and mistrust that we've been dealing with for the past few months , and not just for Bren's sake .

Ash was a very important part of my life , once , and even though I know that things will never be the way they were before , I do still care about him , and I'd like to have him as a friend , if nothing else .

I look up at him again , and see him light up with that fabulous smile of his when I say , "Yeah , I think I'd like that too ."

Notes