The Cost Of Winning

ASHLEY'S POV :

A / N : This chapter will be kind of long , as there is some relevant information being revealed this time .

While we're sitting at the airport , waiting for the call to board , Fianna tells Bren , "Now make sure you hold onto Pickle really good , sweetie . We don't want her to get lost , do we ?"

"Me gots Pickle , Mommy ! Yous don'ts wose Wockles , too !" , she answers .

"Wockles won't get lost , Smidge , I have him in my purse ."

They call for everyone to prepare for boarding , and Fi asks Bren if she needs to use the toilet before we do . She says no , so we head for the gate , and I give the agent our boarding passes . As we're waiting to actually get on the plane , Fianna asks me how long it'll take to get there .

"It's usually less than two hours , if there's no weather problems ." , I tell her . "Why , do you not like long flights ?"

"I have no idea , this is my first time on a plane ." , she says .

I just look at her for several seconds , and then I say , "Are you telling me that you and Miki actually DROVE here all the way from California ?"

"Well , her brother Cade flew out there to help get all of our stuff into the U - Haul , and helped with the driving . I did a little , but he and Miki did most of it ."

We finally get on the plane , and fortunately it's the kind where the seats are in sets of three , so we can all sit together . When we get to our row , I motion for her to go in first , saying , "Why don't you take the window ? I've done this more times than I can count , so I can pass up the scenery for once ."

She sits down , and I buckle Brenna into the middle seat , then get into mine . Not long after that , we take off , and Bren gets a bit nervous when the nose of the plane tilts up , so we spend a few minutes calming her down . After everything levels out , I give her the coloring pad and crayons I brought along , and she's fine . I work on fine tuning a couple of designs I've been working on , and Fianna alternates between looking out the window and reading the book she had in her purse .

When we finally land at the airport in St . Louis , we find our bags , and Fi takes Brenna to the restroom while I go get the keys to the rental car I reserved . When we get our bags into the car , I fasten in the carseat that I rented from them , and Fianna straps her in . We get in , and I pull out of the lot and start heading out of town .

As we drive , I point out things that I think they might be interested in , and a few places that I have some interesting memories of . After awhile , we leave the city and get into the more rural area , and suddenly Brenna yells , "Wook , Mommy ! Wook , Daddy ! Me sees some moosters ! Theys wight there !"

At first , I have no idea what the heck she's talking about , then I glance away from the road for a second , and see fields full of cows on either side of the road . "Yeah , you'll see a lot of those around here ." , I tell her .

I glance over and see that Fianna is giggling a bit . "I guess moosters is sort of accurate ." , she says .

"Yeah , I can see that making sense when you're two ." , I answer , chuckling a little myself .

By the time we finally get to the house , Bren is asleep , so Fianna carries her inside , while my uncle comes out and helps me with the bags . We go inside , and after saying hello to Pop and the rest of the family , I introduce them to Fianna . After that , my aunt offers to take her to the room that she and Bren are sharing , so she can put her down .

When they leave the room , Pop looks at me and says , "Well , she is a pretty thing , but I don't suppose anybody expected otherwise ."

"Yeah , I don't think you've ever gone for an unattractive girl ." , my cousin chimes in . "At least not when you were sober ."

"She is a beautiful girl , but that's not the only reason I went out with her ." , I tell them . "She's also incredibly smart , and she wasn't into me because of the band , or anything like that . Hell , it took me over a month just to get her phone number !"

"Well , then , if she's all of that , then how the hell did you wind up not knowing you're a daddy for two years ?" , my uncle inquires .

Very reluctantly , I tell them about the last fight we had , and no sooner are the words out of my mouth than I feel someone smack the back of my head , and not lightly . I look around to see that my aunt has come back into the room , and she says , "Dammit , Ashley ! Saying something that idiotic , you're lucky the girl didn't pick up one of your guitars and break it over that piece of granite you're using for a skull !"

"Trust me , you're not the first person who's told me that ." , I reply , rubbing the back of my head .

Fianna comes back in , so we drop the subject , and make general conversation until everyone's ready to go to bed . I go to my old room , which is across the hall from Bren and Fianna . I hear her talking to Pop in the hallway before he goes to his room , and he says something that makes her laugh .

I haven't heard her genuinely laugh since we were still together , and it brings back a lot of memories , because that was actually the first thing that attracted me to her .

I'd gone to the bookstore not far from the studio to kill some time one day , and while I was fucking around looking at stuff , I heard this incredible laugh coming from the other side of the shelf , and I couldn't get around fast enough , because I wanted to see where it came from .

When I got to the other side , there was a grade - school group who was just heading out , and I saw one of the kids showing something to an absolutely stunning blonde girl , who was laughing at whatever he was saying . Truthfully , I'm not sure which one made me decide to hit on her , that sexy laugh , or her looks . Beautiful , curly ash - blonde hair , excellent figure , and , when I got a closer look , incredible deep - blue eyes . I acted like I couldn't find what I wanted , to get her to show me where it was , and saw the name "Fianna" on her badge .

I went back the next day , and talked to her for a bit , trying to get better acquainted . I found out that she was a fan , and knew exactly who I was , but she wasn't all squealy , which was kind of impressive . But I figured I'd have a pretty easy time of it , so I was kind of shocked when I asked for her number , and she said no , because she wasn't in the habit of giving her number out to strangers .

"But I'm not a stranger ." , I told her . "You know me !"

"I know who you are , but I don't KNOW you ." , she shot back . "Just because you're in my favorite band , that doesn't mean that you might not be a weirdo ."

I wound up going back there at least three times a week for almost a month before she'd even go to lunch with me across the street from the store , and it took three days after that to get her number , and an actual date . I wound up being surprised myself , because I had no idea until that first lunch that she was only eighteen , but by then there was no way I was giving up , because I was already crazy about her .

As I start to drift off to sleep , I wonder to myself , how the hell everything went so bad , when it started out so damn great ?

_______________________________________________________________________

We've been here for a couple of days , and everything's going pretty well , so far . Pop is crazy about Brenna , and she calls him Gampy , and follows him around like a little shadow . We've even taken her and Fianna horseback riding a couple of times . Bren rides with me , while someone sticks close to Fi , since she's never ridden before this , and doesn't feel comfortable having Brenna ride with her .

Everyone seems to like Fianna , too , and Pop actually told me that he wished that I'd brought her home while we were together , so that my Nan could've met her . Truthfully , I do , too . I'd actually been thinking about it , but then everything started going sideways , so I never did .

We're sitting here at the dinner table , discussing the plans for tomorrows dinner , and somehow the conversation turns to Nan , since this will be the first major holiday that she won't be here . We take turns telling stories , and when it winds down a bit , Pop turns to Fianna and inquires , "I hope your family doesn't mind too much that we stole you for Thanksgiving , hon ."

She puts a hand on Brenna's head and says , "You're looking at my family , right here . My dad died when I was thirteen , he was an only child , and both of his folks passed away before I was born , so did my maternal grandpa . I lived with my grandma after that , and she died when I was seventeen ."

"What about your mama , honey ?" , my aunt asks her . "Doesn't she spend any time with her precious little grandbaby ?"

When we were dating , all she ever really said about her mom was that her folks divorced when she was young , so I assumed that they weren't all that close , but even I'm taken aback by the look on her face right now . Her expression is essentially what you'd imagine a blizzard looking like , if it had features , and her voice almost creates frost on the supper dishes when she finally says , "As far as I know , she doesn't have a clue that Smidge even exists , and I'd just as soon keep it that way . I haven't set eyes on Claudia since just before my fifth birthday , and I haven't spoken to her since my grandma died . As far as I'm concerned , she doesn't exist ."

"Wait a sec , you said that your grandma that you lived with was her mom , right ?" , I ask . She nods , so I go on , saying , "So , if you haven't seen her since you were four , you're telling us that she didn't come to see your grandma when she got sick , is that right ?"

"She couldn't even be bothered to come to the funeral ." , she says , in a completely flat voice . "One of her old school friends had a number for her , so I called to let her know . All she told me was to have somebody let her know if she was in the will , because she didn't have the time or spare cash to make the trip otherwise . She'd been ticked off at Gram for years , since she took Dad's side when they split ."

"Why would she take his side against her own daughter ?" , Pop inquires .

"The thing is , my dad was just starting med school when they met , and she liked the idea of being a doctors wife , and figured there was only one sure way to make that happen . Which is why I'm here ." , she continues . "But she didn't think things out very well , or she would've found somebody who'd already finished ."

"Needless to say , he quit school to get a real job , but it wasn't as luxurious as she wanted , and she didn't want to work , so she started running around on him ."

"So , I was sick one day , and couldn't go to preschool , so Dad assumes that I'll be home with Claudia while he's at work . But , right after he left , so did she . Apparently , our neighbor saw me looking out the window after they both left , and called Gram . She came right over , but the deadbolt was locked , so she had to call Dad home from work . He got there , and both of them just sat and waited until she came back ."

I'm looking at her as she's talking , and it's honestly starting to scare me a little , it's almost like she doesn't even notice that we're all here anymore , because she's so caught up in her memory .

"That's the only time I remember ever seeing my dad lose his temper ." , she said . "He was yelling at her for leaving me alone , and she said , 'Well , you're always bragging to everyone about how smart she is , so she should be able to keep herself out of trouble for a couple of hours . You're the one who actually wanted her , anyway , I figured you'd get yourself a practice built up , and then we'd send her to boarding school or something . I've got better things to do with my life than waste it taking care of your brat !' , and he slapped her ."

We're all sitting here with our mouths hanging open , and even Bren seems to sense that something's wrong , because she climbs down off of her chair , and gets into Fi's lap . She wraps her arms around Bren , cuddling her as close as she can , and goes on , saying , "She freaked out and threatened to call the cops and file assault charges , and Gram told her that if she did , she'd have her charged with endangerment . And since the neighbor knew about the whole thing , she couldn't deny it . So Dad told her to get her stuff and leave , and she did . And I always swore that if I had kids , that they wouldn't ever have to feel like they weren't wanted ."

As soon as she says that , I know exactly why she left . In my half - drunk idiocy , I managed to say the one thing she'd never forgive me for , and she decided that I was no longer her top priority . It's actually pretty sad to think that a teenager was more mature than I was . I feel as bad right now as I did when I saw those bruises on her arm .

She stops talking , and looks down at Brenna , and my aunt uses the opportunity to clout me in the head again . I don't say a word , because I know I deserve it . No wonder she didn't want anything to do with me when I found out about Bren . First , I'd made her think that I didn't want my own child , and then I tried to take away the only thing she has left . Truthfully , I'm kind of surprised that she even speaks to me , let alone tries to be civil . If our positions were reversed , I don't know if I could do it .

"Mommy , why you is sad ?" , Bren asks . "No wants you be sad wike Ivy . Me wills wet Wockles sweeps wif you , and us can all has snuggles ."

"Thank you , sweetie , that sounds very nice ." , Fianna says . "It's okay , Mommy just had to think about something she doesn't like , but I'll be better now ."

I wish I'd known this before , no kid should ever have to hear that they aren't wanted . Fortunately , that was something I never had to worry about , and I promise myself right now that I'll do whatever I have to do to make sure that Bren never thinks that , and that Fianna knows that I meant it when I told her that our little girl is my number - one priority .

And now , even though I wish she hadn't taken off , I can't really blame her anymore . That kind of thing leaves marks on a person , and I might've reacted the same way if I'd ever been treated that badly .

And , unfortunately , no matter how much I wish I could , I can't undo the damage that's already been done . By me , or by her mother . But maybe I can try to help her forget about it .

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