The Cost Of Winning

FIANNA'S POV :

As I open the cabinet to grab some plates , Miki looks up from checking the oven and asks , "Be honest , Fi . Are you sure you want to do this ?"

"I was a little hesitant at first , but yeah , I am ." , I tell her . "Other than me , Ash , and you guys , that's the only family she has , and she needs to know them , too ."

"Are you sure he's not up to something ?"

"Geez , Mik , you're starting to sound a little paranoid !" , I tell her . "Yeah , he has issues , but even I'm not that worried about him anymore ."

"Besides , babe , I can tell you myself that you're worrying too much ." , Ryan says from the doorway . "I spent some time with Ashley's family when we hung out together in school , and old Mr . Purdy probably still wouldn't hesitate to smack him upside the head if he pulled anything like what happened last month . Besides , if he was up to anything , wouldn't he have jumped on Fi's offer to let him take Muffin by himself ?"

"Yeah , I guess so ." , she concedes . "I just don't want to see things end up like they did before we left LA ."

"Not likely , since we're not dating now . And truthfully , I'm not sure how she'd react right now if I didn't go , after what happened at the daycare yesterday ."

Bren comes running into the kitchen , holding Pickle in one hand , and Wockles in the other , and says , "Aunt 'Kaela , me is drinky . Pwease me can has juice ?"

Ryan swoops her up , making her giggle , and says , "Come on , shortstuff , we'll all have something to drink ." He carries her over to the fridge , grabs some juice for her , then puts her into her seat , and then takes out a pitcher of iced tea .

I put the plates down on the table and go back to the cabinet to get glasses for the tea . I put a glass at everybody's place , and Ryan pours the tea . Miki brings the food to the table , and we all sit down to eat .

"Mommy , what this is ?" , Bren asks when I put her plate in front of her .

"It's called lasagna , Smidge . It's sort of like spaghetti , but there's cheese in it , and it cooks inside the stove , and not on top ." , I explain .

I cut it into small pieces for her, then she takes a bite and chews it , with a thoughtful look on her face .

"So what do you think , Smidge ?" , Miki asks her .

She tilts her head to the side for a second , then swallows , and says , "Me wikes basagna , Aunt 'Kaela ! Me's gonna eat it all up !", and puts another bite in her mouth .

We eat dinner and chat a bit , then after we finish we go into the living room and Bren goes to her table to color while we pile onto the couch .She looks at her coloring books and picks a picture , then looks up and asks , " Mommy , does you know what is Daddy's goodest color ?"

I get off the couch and walk over to her , and pull the silver crayon out of the box . "You don't actually have that color , but this is the closest one , sweetie ."

"Me makes Daddy a pitcher , him don'ts gots one yet . Then I makes a pitcher for Ivy , cause her is my fwend , and her is sad ." , she informs us . "Me makes Ivy a futterbye , but what me cans makes for Daddy ?"

"Why don't you color one of your dragons for Daddy , Smidge ? I bet he'd like that ." , I say , and she grabs the book to start looking for a picture .

I go back to the couch and sit down , and say , "I just wish it was as easy to make things better for that poor little girl as coloring her a picture . She probably doesn't completely understand what's happened , and I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse ."

"How do you mean ?" , Ryan inquires .

"Because I was thirteen when my dad died , so I knew exactly what was happening , and sometimes I wish I hadn't . If I'd been younger , it might've been easier at the time , but then I wouldn't have all the memories of him that I do now . Ivy's only three , I don't even know if she'll be able to remember her mom when she gets older , and that's gonna suck for her if she doesn't ."

"Hopefully they have a lot of pictures and videos ." , Miki says . "At least then she'll be able to remember what she looked like ."

"I hope so , too . But that's the point I was making earlier . Just because Ash and I have some problems , that doesn't mean that the rest of his family deserves to suffer because of it ." , I respond , and she acknowledges the point , albeit somewhat reluctantly .

We talk for a bit longer , while Bren finishes her pictures , then I take her out to the car and drive home . Since it's Friday night , and I don't have to work tomorrow , I give in when she asks to stay up a little late , and tell her she can stay up long enough to watch one episode of "Fraggle Rock" on the DVD that she begged me to buy for her at a rummage sale a couple of months ago .

Just before I start the disc , Ash calls , and she talks to him for a few minutes , then he asks to talk to me . When I get on the phone , he tells me that he's confirmed our plane tickets for the trip , and that we'll be leaving on Monday evening before Thanksgiving , and coming back on Saturday night , so I have Sunday to rest up before I go back to work . I tell him that's fine , and he ends the call .

After she watches her show , I put Bren to bed , and try to watch some TV , but I can't stop thinking about the conversation we had earlier . So I give up on the program , go to my closet , and take a box off of the top shelf . I dump it onto my bed , and start sorting through the contents .

I shuffle through old award certificates my dad got at work , notes from him , and from my Grandma Colleen , and all sorts of pictures . I really should get these into an album sometime .

This whole thing with Ivy brings back some bad memories of what happened to my dad . He was supposed to leave work early , to take me to a swimming meet , but he never showed up at home . He didn't answer when called him , so I called his work , but they said he'd left . I waited for awhile , because I was afraid that if I called the police , he'd get in trouble because I was home by myself . Finally , I called my grandma , and she called the police , then came over to the house .

While we were waiting , we kept calling him , but he never answered , and about 6:00 the next morning , we found out why . Someone called in about a broken guardrail , with skid marks on the road , and they found his car at the bottom of a ravine . It turned out that he'd lost his brakes , and picked up too much speed to make the curve , so he went through the rail . I went to live with my grandma after that , until she died of cancer during my sophomore year of college .

As I sift through the pictures , placing them back into the box , I notice that there are two of them stuck together . I carefully pick them apart , and nearly fall off of my bed when I see the one that was stuck to the back .

"Fuck , I thought I got all of these !" , I grumble , getting of of the bed and walking into the kitchen . I take the kitchen shears off of the pegboard I use to keep Bren from reaching them , and go back to the bedroom . I carefully cut the picture in half , put part of it back in the box , and carry the other half into the bathroom . I proceed to cut the thing into the tiniest pieces possible , and flush them down the toilet .

"There , I'm finally done with you for good " , I say as the bits of paper swirl down and disappear . "Now you're where you belong !"

Notes