The Cost Of Winning

ASHLEY'S POV :

When CC and I get back to my house and walk inside , he whips around the second I close the door and says , "Have you completely lost your fucking mind , Ash ? What the HELL was that about ?"

This is the first thing he's said since we left Fianna's , and I'm kind of surprised at how pissed off he sounds . But then I remember that he wasn't in the room when we were talking .

"She threw a bitch - fit about the earrings , and I just got tired of her acting like she's running the show ." , I say .

He walks up until he's practically nose to nose with me , giving me a look like I'm the biggest idiot in the world , and says , "I've got a hot flash for you , buddy ; SHE IS ! Fianna is the one who has custody , dumbass , you just have visitation . And after that piece of fuckery you pulled back there , it'll be a minor miracle if you manage to keep that ! Not to mention that your kid is fucking scared to death of you now . Proud of yourself much , Purdy ?"

I look at him , and all of a sudden everything just slams into me like a freight train . I just made a complete ass of myself , Brenna doesn't want anything to do with me , my best friend is completely pissed off at me , and I just handed Fianna the perfect excuse to cut me off from my daughter again .

"Oh , fuck , man ! What the hell did I do ?" , I groan , sitting on the couch and dropping my face into my hands . "How stupid am I , anyway ?"

"I'm pretty sure you don't really want me to answer that , man ." , CC says , and I lift my head up and look at him .

"So are you saying that you think this whole thing is all right ? That I don't have any right to be pissed that someone decides not to fucking tell me I have a kid ? That I should just say 'Oh , that's okay , no hard feelings' ?"

He lets out a sigh and says , "Okay then , total honesty time . No , I'm not saying that I totally agree with the way she did things , but I also can't say it completely surprised me , either . And she DID tell you , Ash , we all heard it , and you just blew it off ! So , you tell me , buddy , how exactly does that make you the injured party here ? Or the only one , at least ? And don't give me that same old story that you didn't think she was telling you the truth , because obviously , she was . So even if you were really stupid enough to think that , how was she gonna know that ? Maybe you should think about that for awhile ."

He turns around and walks out into the backyard then , and I just sit here and try to process everything . And the longer I sit here , the clearer it becomes that he actually has a point . Why would it even occur to her that I thought she was lying to me , when she clearly wasn't . From her viewpoint , I'd either just accused her of cheating on me , or I didn't have the balls to man up and accept my responsibilities .So why would she want to hang around after that ?

And she never tried to take me to court or anything , never asked me for money , didn't try to force the issue . Hell , most girls I dated were pissed off if I didn't blow money on them for stupid shit like thousand dollar shoes and that kind of crap , and she'd never asked me to buy her anything the entire time we were together . Truthfully , it always seemed to make her uncomfortable when I did it on my own , unless it was Christmas or her birthday or something .

If I have to be totally honest with myself , I think there's a small part of me that is always going to be upset about the fact that she just took off and didn't try to work this out , so we could both be there for Bren , but I also have to admit that I have my share of blame to own up to as well . Those words should have never come out of my mouth , and I probably could have tried a little harder to find her . If I had , maybe none of this would be happening right now .

I take out my phone and dial her number , but apparently , she's turned off her phone , and I'm pretty sure that CC would probably chain me to the pool table if I tried to go back over there right now . So I'm just going to have to sit here and make myself insane until she either turns her phone back on , or calls me herself .

Or until I get called back into court again .

_______________________________________________________

"Ash , wake up , man ! Some dude wants to talk to you !" , I hear CC saying as he stand here shaking my mattress . I look up , and he's holding my phone , which I apparently left in the living room when I finally dragged my ass to bed last night .

I take it from him , and say ,"Yeah , who's there ?"

"If you don't want to have the cops showing up on your doorstep , have your ass at my place in thirty minutes ." , I hear Ryan saying , in a voice that sounds like it should be sinking the 'Titanic' . "And go ahead and bring your buddy , too ." Then he hangs up before I can say anything .

I get up and immediately start grabbing clothes , explaining things to CC as I get dressed , and he dashes off to finish getting dressed himself . We dash out to my car , and zip over to Ryan and Miki's place , getting there with about three minutes to spare .

We walk up and ring the doorbell , and Ryan opens the door almost instantly , motioning for us to come in . As soon as he closes the door , I find myself being slammed into the wall , with him looking down at me , making sure I can't move .

"The only reason that I'm not spreading you across this wall right now is because Bren is here , and there's no way in hell that I'm going to traumatize that little girl any more than you already have . But I want you to understand that if you EVER put a hand on either one of them again , I will break you . When I get finished , you'll make Christopher Reeve look like fucking Fred Astaire . Are we clear on that , Purdy ?"

"As crystal ." , I say , realizing that along with everything else , I may have lost a friend , too .

He leads CC and I into the living room , and Miki and Fianna are both sitting there , which surprises me a little , it's Monday , I figured she'd be at work . But when I look more closely , it's pretty obvious that she didn't get much sleep last night , either .

CC walks over to her and says ,"Hey , Fi , are you okay ? You look a little tired this morning ."

"Yeah , Bren was up and down all night , so I took a personal day at work today . My boss probably wouldn't appreciate me sewing myself to someone's order ." , she responds . "And thanks for the help , C , I owe you one ."

"No you don't . Ash and I talked about that yesterday , and I have to be honest , I kinda understand why he's been a little upset . But that was NOT okay ."

As I stand here , I see Miki looking around the room , and strangely , as she looks from me , to Ryan , to Fianna , CC is the only one that she's not glaring at . Apparently , this little meeting isn't exactly what she had in mind . Probably something more along the lines of a firing squad , if I had to guess .

Brenna comes into the room from the kitchen , but she stops halfway when she sees me , and changes course to walk behind the couch where Fianna is sitting . She climbs over the back , onto the couch , and buries her face in Fianna's chest , and I can feel my heart ripping in two . We had such a good time yesterday , and now she can't stand to look at me .

" C is absolutely right , that was totally unacceptable , and I apologize ." , I say to Fianna . "I have no excuse for the way I acted ."

She nods , but doesn't say anything , and I can see a wary look in her cobalt - blue eyes , like an animal that isn't sure if it should trust the person who has been tormenting it , then offering it kindness . Holy shit , she's almost as afraid of me as Bren is ! No wonder Ryan's so pissed off at me !

I move over by the couch and crouch down in front of them , to be closer to Brenna's level , and say , "Bren , sweetie , I'm sorry . I didn't mean to scare you . I would never do that on purpose ."

"You's a meanie ! Me don't wike you no more !" , she says , with her face still buried in Fianna's shirt , and I've never realized that words could hurt so much .

"I'm sorry to hear that , because I love you very much . I didn't mean to make you feel this way , I just got mad , and I did something I shouldn't have . Sweetie , Daddy would never do anything to hurt you ."

She pulls her face out of Fi's chest and looks at me . "It naughty to say wies to peoples . You was meanie ! You makes owies on Mommy !"

"What are you talking about , sweetie ?" , I ask her . "Why would you think that ?"

"She might only be two , Purdy , but her eyes work just fine !" , Miki snarls at me , tossing something in my direction .

I reach down and pick it up , and my stomach flips over when I realize what I'm seeing . It's a computer printout of a picture of Fianna's arm , clearly showing a set of purple fingermark bruises . Fuck , I never meant to grab her that hard ! Now I understand the way she looked at me awhile ago .

I look at the both of them , trying to think of what to say , and she shifts Bren on her lap a little bit . When she does , I actually see them up close , and I can't handle it .

I stand up and just barely manage to ask Ryan where his bathroom is . He points , I bolt , and make it to the toilet just in time to not heave my guts out onto the floor . When I'm sure I'm actually finished , I go to the sink and rinse out my mouth , then look at myself in the mirror .

I've never used any kind of force on a woman in my life , I've never had the least bit of respect for guys who have to mistreat women to feel like a man , and now I've left bruises on the mother of my child . I feel about two inches tall right now , and I can barely stand to look at myself . CC was right , I have to get my shit together , this cannot happen again !

I walk back into the living room , and I see that Fianna and Miki both look sort of surprised when I come back out . I get back down on the floor in front of Fianna , and say , "Fianna , I'm sincerely sorry , I never meant to do that , and it will never happen again . That's not who I am , you know that , or at least I hope so . All I can say is that I just felt like I don't have any input in Bren's life , like I don't count , and I reacted badly . I know that isn't an excuse , but it's all I have ."

She finally looks me in the eye and says , "I guess I can see that , to a point , but how am I supposed to trust you with Bren if you can't control your temper better than that ? You can't just act without thinking when you have a toddler around , Ash . You can see how well that's worked out this time ."

"You're right , I know that . But what exactly is it that you want me to do ? Tell me , I'll do it , just don't take her away from me again , please !"

"If you want to see her , we do it here , or in a public place . If we do go to your house , someone else will be coming with me , at least until I can be sure I can trust you to be alone with her . And if anything like this ever happens again , I'll do whatever I need to do to make sure that you never see her again , at least until she's old enough to decide for herself . And if you EVER leave a mark on her , no one will ever find your body , Ashley ."

She says this in a completely calm , matter of fact tone , and I know she means exactly what she just said . She'll do whatever she feels necessary to protect our daughter , even from me . I totally understand that , because I'd do the same .

"But , I have to tell you , Ash , you've lost a lot of ground ." , she says . "She wouldn't even sleep in her own room last night , she woke me up twice having nightmares that you were going to come back and hurt both of us , or run off with her somewhere ."

I can't stop the tears from running down my face when she tells me this , and I look over to Brenna again .

"Bren , you don't ever need to be scared of me , I will never do anything to hurt you , and I am so sorry that I scared you . Can you forgive me ?"

"But why you wants to make owies on Mommy ? Mommy is nice , she is my goodest fwend ! You can'ts be my Daddy no more if you is be a meanie !"

"I promise you , cutie , I won't ever be a meanie again , not to you or Mommy . Can we be friends again , too ?"

"Yous pwomise for weally ? Yous no be naughty some more ?"

"Yes , I promise for real , Bren . I wouldn't lie to you ."

She leans forward on Fianna's lap , puts her little hand on my cheek , and says . "Then you no be sad no more , Daddy , yous can be my fwend some more . Yous no more cwy , otay ?"

She wraps her little arms around my neck , and I hold onto her for dear life . I'm so glad that little kids forgive so easily , and that I have my little girl back .

Now I just have to prove , to Fianna and everybody else , that I actually deserve the second chance that they've both just given me .

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