The Cost Of Winning

ASHLEY'S POV :

I'm sitting on my deck , watching the street in front of my house , and checking my phone for texts . Fianna is supposed to be bringing Brenna over for my visit , and I'm just waiting for her to text or call with some kind of stupid excuse for not showing up .

Just as I'm ready to dial her number , Ryan's SUV pulls into my driveway . He and Fianna get out , and he walks toward me while she takes Bren out of her carseat .

"Hey , man , I didn't expect to see you today . Fi's car still down ?"

"No , we just didn't think it was the best idea for her to come over here by herself , all things considered ." , he says .

"Oh , come on , don't tell me she's gonna try that bullshit ! What's she going for , trying to tell the judge 'Oh , I'm afraid to be around him without somebody else there , and I'm scared to have Brenna around him' , or have I missed something ?"

He stands right in front of me , our chests almost touching , so I have to look up at him , and says , "When I said WE , I meant 'Kaela and I , jackass ! And you just proved the point right there . With that attitude , why the hell would we trust you not to try to start something , whether Muffin is here to see it or not . 'Kaela's 1000% convinced that this is just some shit on your part to try to stick it to Fianna , so I'm gonna be hanging around until I figure out if she's right or not ."

He can't be serious ! Can he? I guess he probably can , since people I've known for the better part of a decade have admitted that they aren't even sure .

"If that's the case , then mi casa , su casa , dude ! I think we'd all know I was full of shit if I tried to claim that I didn't have some issues with how this all went down , but I also know that isn't really relevant right now . Brenna is what matters , so we all basically have to keep our individual shit to ourselves ." , I tell him .

"Mommy , Daddy said a naughty !" , Brenna exclaims as she and Fianna join us on the deck .

"Yes , I heard him ." , Fianna says . "But this is Daddy's house , and his rules might be different than the ones at our house ."

"What rule is that , sweetie ?" , I ask Brenna , as Fi puts her down and she grabs my leg .

"At ours house , if somebody says a naughty , me gets a twarter ! I puts it in my puppy dog until I has a bunch , and then me gets to have a new toy , or a moobie ." , she informs me .

Crap , I really should start watching my language around her . Maybe that's not such a bad idea . "You know what , cutie , that's a good idea ." , I say . "Tomorrow , I'll go to the store and get a bank for you to keep here , too . Maybe that will help me be more careful . Now , can I have a hug ?"

She holds her arms up , and I pick her up . She puts her hand on my cheek , then smiles at me and says , " Yay , you's not squatchy today !" , and kisses my cheek .

"I told you I'd shave before you came to see me , didn't I ? Now let's go inside , and we can get something to drink ." , I reply , turning around and opening the door , motioning Fi and Ryan inside , then carrying Brenna in .

I put her down , and she starts looking around the living room , walking up to the fireplace . "Where that door goes to , Daddy ?" , she asks me .

"That's not a door , honey , that's a fireplace . When it's cold outside , I can put some wood in there and make a fire , and it makes it warm in here ."

"But fire not nice ! Miss Kim telled us that at school , it will ate your house !"

"Not if you're careful , Bren . I'll show you sometime ,but you can't ever touch it !"

I go to the kitchen and grab some sodas for everybody , then bring them back to the living room . I hand one to Brenna , and she looks at Fianna . "I's can have this , Mommy ?"

"Yes , you can , it's okay once in awhile , you know that ." , she replies , then she turns to me and says , "I don't let her drink sodas more than once , or maybe twice a week , not at this age ."

As much as I'd like to be able to argue with her , that actually makes sense . "So what do you usually drink , Bren ?"

"Me wikes apple juice , and me dwinks milk sometimes , but it's gooder when we has the bunny stuffs to put in it . And sometimes , Mommy will makes me some Koo - waid . Me wikes the norange kind mostest ."

I look over to Fianna for a translation , and she says , " She likes to have some Nestle Quik in her milk , and she likes orange Kool- Aid ."

"What kinds of food do you like to eat , sweetie ?"

"Me wikes peemie budder , and maccy cheese , and chickie nubbits . And some skibetty and meat bobs !" , she announces . "And Mommy makes nummy wockles for breffast , I wikes 'em mostest wif strowbies !"

"Well , I guess Daddy needs to go shopping before you come over again ." , I say . "I think I may have a jar of peanut butter somewhere , but that's about it ."

"I would've been surprised if you did ." , Fianna says . "I remember how you are about your food , I'm not sure I ever saw you eat any of that stuff ."

"I'll have the occasional waffle , but that's about it ." , I tell her . "But I have enough sense to know that you can't really convince a little kid to not want those things , and you have to work the healthier stuff in gradually .So don't worry , I'm not gonna try to radically change her diet when she comes over ."

"Daddy , what you does for you job ?" , Brenna pipes up suddenly . "Mommy does words , but what you does ?"

I look at Fianna and Ryan , and Fi explains that she works for a company that does mass - scale professional embroidery , and she does mostly company logos .

I pick Brenna up again and say , "Come with me , and I'll show you what I do ." I motion for Ryan and Fianna to follow , and we walk through the living room and to my work area .

Bren looks at all of the guitars and amps , and says , "Look , Mommy ! Look , Unca Wy ! It's music stuffs ! Mr . Bobby has one of dese at school !" , she shouts , pointing to one of my acoustic guitars . "Does you pway wif all of dem , Daddy ?"


I pick up a bass , and say , "Sometimes I do , but mostly with this one ." I plug it up , and run through some bass lines from some of our songs , while she watches with her eyes really wide .

"I's can do that too , Daddy ? It wooks so fun !" , she asks , hopping up and down .

"We'd have to find something small for you , baby girl , this is way too big . But , if I can find something , I will gladly teach you how , if you really want me too ."

"Me wants to , but me's not a baby , I's big girl ! Me's two !" , she informs me . "Mommy says you wikes to play colors too , and makes pitchers . Does you , for weally ?"

"Yes , I really do , Mommy was right . Would you like me to get some crayons and things for you to play with when you come here , like you have at Uncle Ryan's house ?"

"Then Daddy can play colors wif me ! Dat's the funnest thing , we can makes wots and wots of pitchers !"

"What's your favorite color ?" , I ask her .

"Me wikes all the colors !" , she announces . "But my goodest one is lello !"

As we continue to talk about what she likes and doesn't like , I can feel us making a connection . This little girl is even more amazing than I'd thought . As pissed off as I am with Fianna , I have to admit that she's done a great job with Bren so far , and I can see both of us in her . She has my coloring , but her features are more Fianna than me , and it appears that she's got my enjoyment of art . She's also extremely smart for her age , and while I like to think that I'm fairly intelligent , Fianna is exceptionally so . She skipped two grades in elementary and middle school , and even though she was barely eighteen when I met her , she had already started her junior year in college , and had planned to go to medical school . So it looks like she's inherited the best parts of both of us .

Sooner than I wanted , they get up to leave , and Bren flings her arms around my leg . "When you sees me some more , Daddy ?" , she asks .

I pick her up , kiss her on both cheeks , and say , "Today is Sunday , and I'm coming over to see you on Wednesday ."

"How long that is ?"

"You'll go to school tomorrow , and the next day , and then the day after that , Daddy will see you after school ." , Fianna tells her .

"Otay ! Bye , Daddy , me will misses you ." , she says .

"I'll miss you too , sweetie ! But how about if I carry you to Uncle Ryan's car right now , and if it's alright with Mommy , I'll call you on the days I don't see you , and say goodnight before you go to bed ." , I respond .

"Pwease , Mommy , it's otay ?"

"Yes , it's okay , if you'll take your bath and brush your teeth without trying to hide from me in the closet . If you don't then you can't talk on the phone ."

"Me wills be good girl , Mommy !"

"You shouldn't do that anyway , sweetie ." , I tell her . "If you don't brush your teeth , they'll get big holes in them , and they'll hurt a lot . And if Mommy tells me your not keeping your promise , then that means you're not a big enough girl to learn how to play guitar , either ."

"Me wills be good , me wants to do some music wike you , Daddy !" , she shouts .

I carry her outside , and Fi lets me fasten her into her seat . I kiss her goodbye , and before Fianna gets in , I say , "Can I talk to you over here for a second ?"

She steps away from the vehicle , and waits for me to continue . "I talked to Ryan earlier , and he told me that you're all worried that I only want to spend time with Brenna to bug you in some way . That's not even a little bit true , and if you've never believed me before , believe that ." , I tell her . "Yes , it fucking pisses me off that you kept her from me for so long , but we both have to suck it up that we don't get to have our own way , and pretend to get along , at least when she's around . I'll do my best to do that , can you ?"

"If you really mean that , then we don't have a problem ." , she tells me . "But if you let her get attached to you and then disappear , because you've found more interesting things to do than think about your daughter , and you hurt her that way , I swear to you that I'll never forgive you for that !"

"That will never happen , Fianna ." , I say . "I promise you that ."

She walks back to the car and gets in . Just before she closes the door , she looks at me and says . "In that case , I hope you've gotten better at keeping your promises than you used to be . She deserves better than that ."

And I'm left here wondering what the hell THAT'S supposed to mean .

Notes