More Than One

Sara’s POV It made sense but it was obvious Andrew didn’t understand exactly how serious this was. “Ok? What does this mean?” He asked. Well it could mean a lot of things. It could mean I’m getting worse or I might start getting memories back that apparently I lost. The room was a mess. Everyone was freaking out except Hunter. Even Karen was. I noticed Andrew was patiently waiting for me to answer and I shook my head. “Wouldn’t you know for sure? Like how do you not know who it is yet?” his eyes showed he honestly cared and it made my heart swell. How sweet. “Well if there is a new personality I most likely don’t know for sure who it is yet because I haven’t personified who it is yet. It takes time to do that and sometimes it’s all subconscious. Where I’m not even aware.” Flashbacks of me in Flynn in his old office shot through my head. The old office where my headaches were normal and figuring out I have another personality happened every Wensday. As much as I love Flynn most of my memories with him are filled with anxiety and headaches. He’s the one who helped me overcome my anxiety he didn’t cause it but anxiety was always there. Andrew sat there wide eyed not knowing what to do. He’s very careful around me and I don’t blame him considering how slutty Kattalina can be. Soon after a couple seconds of silence my anxiety shot through the roof and Hunter came to my rescue. Hunter: I hated when she felt that way. So I help her every time. Andrew still stared at me like an idiot though. “Andy stop.” I said finally because it was obvious he wasn’t going to on his own. “What do you me-” “The staring. Stop it. It drives Sara crazy.” “Oh.” Yeah ‘oh’. He’s so rude and inconsiderate. I shifted and remembered I’m not in a binder which made me literally cringe. I love Sara to death but damn I hate my body. “Hunter? You okay?” “It doesn’t matter let me go change.” I practically ran to the back room and changed into my usual. I sighed out of self hatred and remembered my ex. It’s not a common fact that I’m gay but I am. All the male personalities are. Flynn thinks it’s because Sara is like 100% straight so everyone likes boys or just no one at all. When we first started to discover the personalities I had a romantic interest and he shattered my heart into a million pieces. Calling me every name in the book when he figured out who we were. Anytime he saw our body without a binder he’d cringe in disgust and I’d climb down another level of hating myself. Flynn figured it out and made me cut him out of my life. I miss him because there were times where all he had was love for me. I didn’t want to go back in there. I can barely look at myself in the mirror and Sara’s feelings for Andrew doesn’t help. Jeez I was calling him Andrew now. The possibility of falling for him was unacceptable and will NOT happen. I can’t be a coward though so I stood up and walked back in there avoiding eye contact. I’m supposed to be the protector why can’t I even look at him in the eye? Getting angry with myself I forced myself to look at him. “Hunter do you not like me?” I regretted looking at him and immediately looked away again. I started to shake but answered him with the best none shaky voice I could, “You’re not terrible but you have your moments.” He nodded while staring at the floor. “What about Sara?” “I don’t know” I lied. It was obvious Sara adores him but I won’t admit that right now. “I thought the personalities know what the others are thinking. She kinda confuses me and I just want to know.” I shook my head again. “I’m not going to tell you Andrew.” “You know by saying that it’s an answer in itself?” I growled at myself and huffed again. God damnit of course I’d find some way to screw this up. Cursing under my breath Andrew scooted closer. “Sorry. Probably not the best thing to say when you don’t like me.” “I never said I didn’t like you!” “Yeah well you implied it.” I shot my head around suddenly feeling all the strength in the world to argue with him. “I did not! I never said that!” “Then why are you getting mad at me?” he said getting in my face as well. “Because you’re acting stupid.” “Then what do you feel for me?” He blurted. Stunned to silence I sat back again and shut my mouth. There’s no way I have feelings for him. It’s just Sara’s feelings affecting mine. “I don’t know.” At least I wasn’t lying. If I’m honest with myself. I really don’t know. “Ok tell me about yourself.” “What?” “I barely know anything about you so why don’t you tell me about yourself?” Complete turn around. “Why?” he sighed then made it where I was looking at him again. “Because I want this to work. I really do. I care about Sara and so far I care about the others too. So why don’t you tell me about yourself?” I couldn’t tell if he actually meant it but have I ever been good at telling if people meant what they say? ‘Just do it’ I kept telling myself. I sighed “Fine. What do you want to know?” He smiled a gorgeous smile then scooted even closer. “ why don’t you like germs?” I scoffed “Do you like germs?” “Well no but,like, you’re scared of germs.” I pursed my lips thinking for a moment then said what Flynn thinks. “Well Flynn thinks it’s because I need control. Kinda like ‘this is the only thing I feel like I can control’ type of thing” He nodded. “Have you ever had a girlfriend?” hm. Do I tell him or make him figure it out? “Nah.” “Have and interests? Any hotties on the mind?” He asked wiggling his eyebrows. I laughed and shook my head. “What? Come on? Not a single girl has knocked the breath out of you with her beauty?” I laughed a little too hard and shook my head again. He eyed me carefully and his eyes nearly shot out of his head when he figured it out. “Are you gay?” He asked smiling. Maybe he’d be gay for me. NO. Thoughts like that aren’t allowed. I’m not falling for him. I laughed again and nodded. “Are all the guys gay?” I nod again. “Ok so what happens if you’re in public and Sara has the light then it’s you? Do you just play it cool? Like nothings happened? “ I shook my head and shifted. “Well typically I freak out.” “Why?” Here it comes. He either agrees with my self hatred of my body or he just simply doesn’t understand. The couch suddenly became uncomfortable as I answered his question. “Well it’s just the situation and mainly because Sara doesn’t wear a binder. I hate my body and I just can’t handle not wearing one. Mainly because of my ex. It’s embarrassing admitting this to you because I’m supposed to be Sara’s protector and I have gotten into fights for her but what kind of a protector has a panic attack because he’s not wearing an overdone sports bra?” My breathing was ragged and I felt angsty. Like I was a teenager. The urge to get up and start beating someone’s face in was more than welcoming. He was silent which made everything worse especially since I’m so bad with dealing with situations. After what seemed like forever he spoke. “I couldn’t possibly understand how you feel but it must be horrible. I will be here for you. I promise. Anytime I’m with you I’ll help you the best that I can.” My heart swelled and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him. He was filled with love and he’s attractive. This wasn’t supposed to happen. My barrier wasn’t supposed to be broken by less than 30 words. I swallowed hard and tried to move away but Andy stood up to give me space. This scares me. This is how Shawn was with me then completely wrecked my emotions. How can i do this? Andrew seems so different when he’s comfortable. God damnit why am I like this? Andrew sat back down and held his hands. “My ex girlfriend killed herself and I was in her suicide note.” He said somberly. Shocked i whipped my head around to face him. “What?!” He stared at the ground and hung his head but took a shaky breath and answered me. “We had gotten into a fight that day and apparently her life was worse than she was leading on and I said things that haunt me….and apparently it was enough for her to kill herself and say that I was one reason why. She didn’t say my name directly but I knew she was talking about me.” Pain filled his eyes along with guilt. What in the hell could he have said to make his girlfriend kill herself? I was curious but cautious I didn’t know what I could ask about it that he would answer. I’ve answered him so far would he answer me in return? “Are you over her?” I asked quietly. His eyes darted away then my heart sunk. “I’d like to think I am but I still think about her. Not like ‘if she was alive I’d date her ‘ thoughts but I do think of where I would be if she hadn’t killed herself or where’d she be. It was obvious we weren’t gonna work out.” Well that’s better than the answer I expected. “I’m sorry Andrew.” He nodded his head but sat up then started asking me questions again. “What do you know about Kattalina?” “Why?” He put on a silly ‘I’m playing dumb’ face that made me smile. “She’s a handful.” He laughed “I can tell but does she….” “Eat? No not really. She has an issue with starving herself.” “Do you help her?” It hasn’t dawned on me to try and help her because it’s always been about Sara and her well being. “Well uh-” “That’s horrible! Why haven’t you tried to help her?” Well atleast he tells me how he feels. “It’s not like that. I’m supposed to protect Sara not Kattalina. It’s never even popped into my mind before. Like now since you brought it up I want to. I mean Flynn is trying to help her currently.” “Oh okay…” there was tension in the air and I couldn’t tell if it was sexual or not or if it was just me. He was sitting close and smelled very nice. Sorta musky. I couldn’t stop fidgeting but he seemed so calm and collected. I think it might be just me but it’s now or never to do something crazy.

Notes

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