Smutty's One-shots

Over the course of the last 10 years, I had learned to hate snow. Packed snow was dangerous to drive on, especially for touring in a bus, and some places didn’t seem to give a fuck about the safety of their roadways. Just thinking about it made me glad that I wasn’t driving much on this trip and that the flight-

I misstepped and my sneakered left foot sank into a puddle of brown slush, instantly making me totally miserable. I balanced carefully as I shook my foot, trying to get some of the icy water out, but there was nothing for it. I was just going to have to deal with a frozen foot in a dirty, sopping wet shoe that squished with each step.

I kept walking, now staring diligently at the ground to prevent a repeat, and returned to my rumination. Hmm… it wasn’t so much that I hated snow as that I despised the ice that always came with it. That was even worse to drive on, worse to walk on- shit it ruined everything! I was glad Mom and Dad had their chains put on last week, before-

“Fuck!” I slipped on some black ice I hadn’t seen and landed right elbow-first in some hard-packed snow that had clearly been urinated on by a dog. “God fucking dammit!” I rolled off of the pissy snow, onto my back and partially under a bush, so I could get my bearings and nurse my throbbing elbow for a bit. From there I carefully rose to hands and knees, crawled to a clear patch of sidewalk, and carefully got back to my feet. I didn’t miss the squishing sound of my victimized shoe as I stood up, only to realize my hat had fallen off.

I found it quickly, all crumpled up and completely submerged in a puddle on the street side of the curb. I sighed and briefly considered leaving it there before I remembered that it had been a gift from Aunt Julie. With another deep sigh, I took off my left glove and reached into the freezing cold puddle, extracted my hat, and held it out in my fingertips, watching the dirty water fall from it onto the equally dirty snow.

My elbow ached, my foot was so cold and wet I was losing feeling, my hat was sodden and dripping, and my gloveless hand was shaking with the cold. Sadly, I knew the next step that was necessary to take.

Using my other elbow to help me pull off my right glove, I stowed it safely in my jacket pocket before forcing myself to grab my dripping hat with both hands and wring it out as well as I could. I was contemplating what the best way was to carry my soaking wet hat when it happened.

Hearing a large vehicle coming towards me, I had just enough time to look up from my waterlogged hat, recognize that it was a SORTA bus, and lock eyes with the frowning, middle-aged driver before she drove the bus right through a roadside puddle just inches from me. The water splashed so high that I was soaked from the waist down. I turned, furious, yelling inarticulately and flipping off the bus as it drove away. Fucking bitch!

In seconds, my rage was superseded by my discomfort. I was so cold, too cold. As much as I had wanted to surprise everyone with hot chocolate, I didn’t particularly want to succumb to hypothermia in my foolish attempt to get to Starbucks on foot. Scowling fiercely, I turned around and started back the way I had come.

Every step was awful, I was losing feeling in both feet now, my legs stung as the chilly breeze buffeted them, and my midsection was starting to cool from the sopping wet hat in my jacket pocket. I could just faintly catch the smell of urine coming from my right arm.

God fucking dammit! We should have rented a car! I could have driven; who cared about ice- this was awful! But no- I had to venture out on foot. I just wasn’t used to snow and ice anymore; LA had much milder weather. I used to love playing in the snow when I was a kid, but now… Frankly, I hated winter. Birthday or not, I couldn’t stand… couldn’t stand… the cold grew so intense I couldn’t focus anymore on anything, couldn’t think. I just trudged along, jingles from commercials running through my head at random, fantasizing about being inside and warm again.

“Son, you look like you’re way too damned cold! Come on in and sit by the fire.” I jerked my head up, startled, and saw a large, older black gentleman with a long, white beard and mustache, watching me from the porch of the house I was passing.

Immediately, I grew irritated. I was being delayed, I had a ways to go, and I was freezing! “No, no thanks-“

The man smiled in understanding. “I get it- I’m a stranger, and it’s better not to talk to strangers.” He chuckled, and his big belly shook a bit. Something about this weird guy, looking so happy, being so nice- it was oddly intriguing. I couldn’t allow myself to go in some random house, that was insane, but I couldn’t help but stare at him. Nobody made those kind of friendly gestures in this day and age- what was he thinking? What if I were a crazy person looking to rob the elderly? Or even just kill them? Plus he looked vaguely familiar, though I couldn’t place him.

He set down a fist-sized, matte black rock I hadn’t noticed on a sidetable, then smiled kindly again. “You’re a good kid; you try hard.” At first I thought he was about to pick his nose, but then I realized he had only set his finger alongside it. “Happy holidays Andrew.” With a final chuckle, he blinked before disappearing completely off the fucking porch!

“Holy shit!” I instinctively ran to the porch, wondering if I had been mistaken and he had fallen or something, but there wasn’t any sign of him anywhere! When I realized with another start that I was no longer cold, he had used my name, and that I was completely dry- my clothes were dry, the piss was gone, even my toes were toasty warm again, I totally freaked out and started running home, ice be damned.

What the fuck, what the fuck?! What the fuck was that, what-

When I slipped on some ice and landed in a snowdrift that just happened to be cleaner and softer than any other fucking snow around, I just laid there, still somewhat terrified but honestly more confused. What had just happened? Was it still happening? Was it bad?

Maybe five minutes passed of me lying in the snowdrift, staring at the gray sky, unable to figure out a damned thing. Luckily, common sense eventually won out, and I got back up and started walking home. I might have just had my mind blown, but this time I paid more attention to where I was walking.

I was still confused (as well as wondering if I should share my weird story with anyone), when I could finally see my parent’s house in the distance. The sight was calming and reassuring- it made me feel protected and safe.

A few minutes later, I walked up the driveway, and then turned to go in the side door. There, sitting on the bench and under the awning, were two beverage trays full of Starbucks drinks. I could smell the hot chocolate from where I stood. From somewhere far off, I could just make out a man’s rich baritone laughter, “Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!”

Notes

There you go- I have finally written something totally saccharine. Happy Holiday season to all. :3