“I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old.”
- Colors by Halsey


There was a dull sound of water rushing into the drains along the sidewalk, the sound of it colliding with the water already down there was a quiet thudding, as though the drains were already clear full of water.

My boots are soaked, and I’m wringing out my hair the best that I can, but it doesn’t do me much good.

“This feels like Deja Vu.” I laughed after we’d been walking along for a few minutes.

“How so?”

“The first time we officially hung out, and walked to the school.” I reply, shrugging, “It feels the same.”

“A lot has changed, though.” He murmured thoughtfully. “For example, we’re more than awkwardly good friends.” He teased, and I smiled in embarrassment.

“Was any of that ‘ghostly exhaustion’ stuff true?” I asked curiously, narrowing my eyes at him skeptically, “That you were so weak you couldn’t dig up the box on your own?”

“Eh...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Partially.” He finally admitted.

“Partially? What does that mean?”

“It means a number of things. One being, that I hadn’t figured out what restrictions being a ghost had, so I didn’t want to push it, also, that I did not want to go alone, and we seemed like good enough friends to ask you along.”

I pursed my lips, “So you used me?” I inquired, faking a hurt expression, making him sigh a soft laugh. “I suppose so.”

“Nevertheless, I don’t regret it.” I shrug, “It was fun, something I’d never done before. If you hadn’t dragged me out there, I would have stayed in my room working on homework the rest of the night, and that sounds like a terrible alternative plan.”

“What? No. Doing homework is a hell of a lot more than hanging around me.” He shook his head in disagreement.

“Can you be serious for five minutes?” I sighed, before smiling a little bit. “Dammit.”

“Sorry.” He snickered.

The business streets began to give away to wooded roads, long stretches of double laned asphalt, shadowed by big oaks and aspens. The dull sound of raindrop falling from the leaves above, and slapping against the asphalt was oddly soothing.

“We’re heading towards the neighborhood... Why?” I glanced over at him, trying to figure out his plan. He only gave me a wicked smile in response.

Houses were soon bordering the road, the windows dark and ominous, not a single candle or ghostly face to be seen. I could name who owned a few of the houses, but block after block, the houses became unfamiliar.

“I always kept the window to my room unlocked, we’ll see if my parents kept it that way.”

I understood instantly what we’d be doing when we crossed the street to a sweet little two story, white suburban home. I caught a glimpse of the name on the mailbox. Biersack.

“We’re not breaking into your parents’ house... Are we?”

“They won’t mind.” He shrugged, “besides, we’re technically only breaking into my room. I feel like seeing my humble aboad will help you better understand who I am, and was. I owe you more details about myself after tonight.”

“Red lilac?” I questioned him suddenly. He looked back at me and grinned, “Red lilac. It’s me.”

“Why... Why don’t you tell your parents? About you, I mean? I think they’d love having you back.”

He sighed softly, “I know they would... But they’ve already started mourning. If I just suddenly come back and make everything okay, then abruptly disappear, it’d destroy them. I can’t do that to them.”

I take a deep breath, and follow him along the shadows bordering his former home. I feel extremely out of place on the property, like peeking in on someone else’s grieving. I wasn’t really here with Andy, and if I was caught snooping around, I couldn’t prove his existence.

Like my house, there was conveniently a piece of wood lattice pinned up the side of the house, next to what Andy declared to be his bedroom window. He easily stuck his feet in the rungs, and pulled himself up a few feet before extending his hand towards me. I grabbed onto his hand, and latched onto the trellis.

He climbed easily and silently, meanwhile I was swaying all over, trying to hold onto the slick, cold wood bars, and not make enough noise to alert Chris and Amy to my presence. I’d hate to have to explain why I was climbing their house at 3:00 am.

Andy reached down for me once I’d made it close enough to the window. He pulled me through awkwardly, which ended in me sliding through the window like a fish, then falling to the floor with a thud.

“Shit...” He muttered, listening carefully, and as expected, a few moments later, came the sound of another door opening. “Come here, quickly.”

He hugged my dripping, annoyed form close to him, until the door to Andy’s room hesitantly creaked open, and the light of a candle flickered through the opening. Chris stepped in, and walked towards the window, taking notice of the fresh cool of rain water sitting on the sill. He looked around for more signs of entry, before presumably assuming the window was just leaking.

He sighed, and looked around the room with an odd look of fondness, before frowning.

“Why did this happen?” He murmured to himself, walking towards the dresser, which was still strewn with Andy’s old belongings from when he lived here. He looked over them, before looking up at his reflection in the glass, and turning to walk out, shutting the bedroom door firmly behind him.

“And that...” Andy murmured sadly, stepping further into his room, “Is why I cannot tell them about me.”

I nod slowly, and looked around his dimly lit room. It looked like it belonged to him, but a much younger version of himself. There weren’t any alcohol bottles or cigarette butts strewn about like his dorm room, or at least, his parents had removed them. There were torn, heavily worn band posters cluttering the walls, and empty CD and movie racks. The bed was made, the comforter a cute floral quilt, which gave me the idea that his parents had to replace his emo bedding with something more cheerful after he packed it up for California.

The floor was cleaned, and what few articles of clothes that remained, were hanging in the closet collecting dust.

“So... This is my room.” He introduced when there was nothing else to say. The room was pretty bare, aside from the unusual knick knack here and there. I turned, carefully scanning every detail. I noticed that on the floor at the end of the bed, was a large discolored portion of carpet. I didn’t question it straight away, but Andy spoke up to clear the air.

“I want to be honest about everything that’s happened in here.” I look to him for an answer, which he gives after a moments hesitation. “That’s... That’s where I tried to...” He swallowed hard, his words getting stuck in his throat while he stared down the large blotted stain. “Kill myself.” He concluded, the pain in his voice unimaginable.

I glanced from him to the brown blood stains on the carpet, noticing that they had been attempted to be cleaned many times, from the pale white stains around it from excessive use of bleach. Nothing could seem to remove the memory of what happened there.

“What did you do to yourself?” I whispered, my voice cracking. I couldn’t look at it, and imagine the happy boy by my side once lying there, crippled by his self inflicted injuries, praying for death.

He bit his bottom lip and looked down, darkly shadowed blue eyes casting a shadow across his cheekbones.

“It was a terrible day... It felt like everyone hated me, even my parents. It felt like nothing was going to get better, and I wasn’t going to let it. As soon as I got home from school I-” He winced, and paced a few steps back and forth. “I downed a bottle of aspirin, unsure if it was even the type of drug to overdose on. I was inexperienced, but where I lacked in knowledge, I made up for it in other violent acts against myself.”

How was it possible to hate yourself so much? To be so repulsed by your own existence, that you wanted to self destruct.

“I cut myself more times than I could remember, in every possible way, on every possible surface of skin. I wanted to leave this world, and I didn’t care what it took. I was stubborn, I was going to die there, no matter what.”

I felt my chest getting tighter, threatening me with my emotions.

“What stopped you?” I whispered, staring at him with hurt eyes.

He lifted his head, glowing blue eyes staring into mine, shimmering with tears that rolled down his pale cheeks. “Jake found me. If you were wondering why he’s so bitter about me, and why he likes alcohol more than the average person... That’s why. He came to collect me for band practice when I didn’t show up, and he found me like that. He has nightmares about it, still.”

“How do you know that?”

“One of the nights after my funeral, I visited him. He woke in the middle of the night screaming that he couldn’t save me, and that it didn’t matter. Immediately after, he downed some sleep pills, and chased it with whiskey. I stayed with him that night to insure he didn’t do something stupid that he’d regret.”

“Wasn’t there... Another time?”

He nodded, “This was my first attempt, the second time wasn’t as bad. I actually regained consciousness, and was able to drive myself to the hospital before my parents got back. After that, they put me on suicide watch, and had Jake move in to keep an eye on me at all times. That only made him more resentful of me.”

He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and I sat beside him, resting my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his.

“Ashley... Dying... That’s what made me quit for good. I felt the receiving end of the torture I’d put everyone through, and it changed my perspective completely.”

“Sometimes you need something really painful to make you reevaluate things.” I sighed, reaching for his right hand, and curling my fingers through his.

“It was a waste, wasn’t it?...” He asked, frowning, his eyebrows pulling together as he looked down at our hands. “Because I still died, and now none of it means anything. I wish I’d been stronger...”

“You made it out of that phase of your life, that makes you pretty damn strong to me.” I disagreed, “And now... You’re kinda like Batman. Virtually invincible, super powers, and awesome as hell.”

A tiny smile pulled on his lips, but not enough to reach his eyes. He pulled his right hand free of mine to rest it around my shoulders instead, hugging me close to his side. I looked up, out his bedroom window, to see the heavy grey clouds were slowly parting, revealing a silver moon hanging low in the night sky.

“Hey, look.” I pointed, and his eyes redirected their attention upwards, focusing on the glowing circle in the sky. The moonlight reflecting off the shimmering tears bordering his lower lids as he stared up at it with a hopeless gaze.

“Even on a bad night, you have to trust that the moon and stars are still there, behind the clouds. And come morning, the sun will rise, and we can try again.”

“Are you quoting me?” He murmured, smiling a tiny bit.

We sat there, looking up at the moon in silence for a long time. It felt like eternity that we spent staring up at it’s glowing light, reminiscing the past week in silence. I think we are thinking the same things.

“I think I might love you, Asheen Emily Hunter.”

He turned halfway towards me to look at me. He studied my face carefully with gentle eyes, reaching up to brush my cheek with his cold palm. I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t panic, either. His eyes kept me calm... I don’t know if that’s just a ghost thing, or an Andy thing... Either way, I am grateful, because otherwise, I would have been hyperventilating.

“And I might just love you back, Andrew Dennis Biersack.”

I held his jaw in my hand, carefully cradling his face in my palm, as though he were a fragile statue of glass that I could easily break. Curling my fingers around his neck, I pulled his head closer to mine, pressing a soft, hesitant kiss to his lips. My heart is pounding out of my chest, and my brain is screaming ‘what the hell are you doing?’ at me, meanwhile, my heart is telling me this is all right. This is how to love, and how to be loved.

He seemed grateful for the distraction, as he slowly relaxed into my awkward embrace, inspired by all the teen flicks I’d seen during my short lifespan. He pulled me closer, his slender fingers combing through my hair, tendrils of green and black falling across his shaking tattooed hands.

I pulled him down to lie on the quilt, and I pulled away from his lips to rest my head against his silent chest. There was no sound aside from the quiet whistle of air entering and leaving his lungs needlessly.

“This is more than enough.” He breathed, combing through my hair, curling strands around his fingers absently. I hummed in agreement, placing my palm over where his heart would be.

“It is.” I agreed softly, closing my eyes.

He did not speak more, we just lied there, watching the moonlight stream through the window, and for a while, every other problem plaguing our lives were temporarily forgotten. I was not concerned with possible doppelgangers, the flood, or my questionable relationships with anyone else, because at this very moment there’s only one that matters.

“So why did you bring me here? Aside from showing me the massacre scene.”

There was a rumble in his chest as he laughed, “I don’t know, really. Just to help you understand, I guess... There’s so much mystery behind my life, things I’ve never told you, I felt like you should know.”

“Is there more?”

He sighed, “There will always be more, and I’ll happily tell you about them. But for now, let’s rest.”

“I have church in the morning, and my parents frequently check on me.” I laughed quietly, “they’ll notice if I’m gone.”

“I’ll have you back in plenty of time, I promise.”

“Okay.” I agree, closing my eyes again. He moves his hand to place it around my shoulder, hugging me close to his side. It’s an unusual feeling for someone who’s never been physically interacted with aside from hugs here and there. Being hugged and held, and told I am loved... It fills my heart with a indescribable, joyus feeling. A feeling that cannot be compared to anything else I have ever felt.

Notes

Kind of a dark, but necessary chapter.

Inspired by these awesome tracks. I highly recommend checking them out to experience all the feelz.

Never Again - Breaking Benjamin
"Take the color from your eyes
I bleed for you, I bleed for you
Bring the broken back to life
We'll make it through, we'll make it through."

Goner - Twenty One Pilots
"Though I'm weak and beaten down,
I'll slip away into this sound,
The ghost of you is close to me,
I'm inside-out, you're underneath."

Truce - Twenty One Pilots
"Now, the night is coming to an end,
The sun will rise, and we will try again.
Stay alive, stay alive, for me.
You will die, but now your life is free."

Colors - Halsey (Stripped down acoustic version) (This version matches the story much better in my opinion.)
"Everything is blue
His pills, his hands, his jeans
And now i’m covered in the colors pull apart at the seams
And it's blue."