Andy

“Alluki Beach” was located a short, mile and a half journey up the road from the restaurant. It defintely felt more isolated and away from the rest of California, more like how the brochures always depicted it to be, and less of the drug-addict crowded scum land Andy told me stories about.

The sand glittered as we drove closer to the boardwalk, eventually pulling over. I got out immediately, and took in the glorious view, almost admitting outloud how correct he’d been about Alluki. The place was stunning.

“We’re going to the shops on the boardwalk. What are you doing, Ash?” My Mom asked as she straightened her purse strap on her shoulder.

“Uh...”

“Come on a walk with me.” Andy suggested, though it didn’t sound like as much of an offer as it did a demand.

“Er, I think I’m going to walk down the beach for a bit, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Just meet us here or on the boardwalk in an hour.” She smiled at me one more time before turning to join my father, as he pushed my Grandma’s wheelchair up the plank pathway to the stores a few yards ahead.

Turning to Andy, I expected him to be wearing a devilish grin, or a smirk of some kind, and to accompany it, a smartass remark. But instead, he had a mellow smile on his face and absolutely nothing to say.

“What’s up?” I wondered when he wasn’t immediately his joyful normal self.

“Let’s walk.” He suggested, jogging down the steps to the sand. I hesitated before following him. The last time he’d had a moodswing like this... Was the day of the funeral. I feared what he’d have to say.

We walked in silence for a while, getting closer to the water’s edge with every step. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, because something between now, and the restaurant had set his happy mood aflame.

“So...” I sighed after a while, looking out at the water, where a brisk, briny breeze rode the waves towards us.

“Yes?” He peered sideways down at me, and I frowned a little as I realized exactly how short I was next to his giant-like stature. I wrung my fingers together thoughtfully while I conjured up the confidence to speak.

“I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to talk to you, actually.” I sighed, trying to relieve some of the tension I felt in my chest.

“Something better than this morning, I hope.” He said jokingly, but when I looked at him, his eyes still carried the bitter hurt. He looked away first, avoiding my gaze, pretending to look at the rainbow colored stones that bordered the water’s edge.

“I hope so, too... I really don’t like to fight with you. You’re the only person who’s ever fully understood where I was coming from. But there are some topics we need to go over, otherwise, I just don’t feel like the rest of this trip will be smooth sailing for either of us because of the tension.” I put it out there matter-of-factly, but also hesitantly. I just wanted all these thoughts off my back and in the open. I could tell from his expression, he knew we needed to talk, too.

“I agree.” He finally replied with some hesitation. “But before we even say one word about any of it, I need you to be entirely honest with me. Can we both put everything out in the open without judgement?” His walking slowed, and he pasied midstep, curiosity and concern flooding his expression.

I scratched my arm absentmindedly, and nodded. “Of course. I want to just... Get it all out of my head, you know? I’m sure you probably feel the same way.” I felt awkward putting him on the spot.

“Okay...” He breathed, and continued walking. Silence ensued for another minute or two. Salty waves rolled up the beach with the tide, washing over my feet, surprisingly warm.

“I guess we should start from the beginning?” He hedged, tucking his hands in his Prophet jacket’s pockets. I nodded for him to continue.

“Okay, to start on level ground, you understand, one-hundred percent why I chose to stay hidden that week?”

I hesitated and raided my thoughts for any reason to object. He’d already said it was for his own well-being, and not mine. He didn’t want his decision to go to waste, to find out after he gave up his one chance at the afterlife that I’d only liked him because I sympathized him.

I understood his reasoning, even though I did not agree with them. It irritated me slightly that he hadn’t been straight-up from the getgo and asked me if I really valued his friendship or not. With what was on the line that day, I would have been one hundred percent honest with him, rather I actually did or not.

“Yes.” I finally replied, “I do.”

“And secondly, do you forgive me for it?”

I hesitated for a second when a flashback of me hitting Elizabeth, the one human friend I ever had, out of my own anger and spite. Those terrible, depressed seven days were the worst of my existence. Like I was waiting for him to send a postcard from Heaven or something. It was the not-knowing that killed me.

I stopped walking, and looked him in the eyes. He looked worried as he fidgited, becoming more concerned as the seconds passed.

“Yes.” I sighed. “Yes, because I understand why you chose to do that.”

He sighed a little in relief. I didn’t know what else to say on the topic that wouldn’t end up branching out into another argument.

“Can I ask you a question?” I wondered hesitantly.

“Shoot.”

“How are you... So comfortable with death? Especially your own?”

He pursed his lips in thought as he walked, the sun glittering in his eyes made them appear a much brighter shade of blue, and the breeze rolling off the waves knocked his hair back from his forehead.

“I don’t know... I never really thought about it. I guess from the moment I knew it was final, I accepted it. Figured that it was meant to happen and that was that. To be completely honest, though, I think I would have had a much harder time coping with it had I not been distracted. Not trying to sound corny or anything, but hanging out with you made me feel alive, and it made me forget. That walk to Apture, I was very unsure what to think, because the experience was entirely new, and that to me, is living. Doing something you’ve never done before. I’m not saying distraction is the best way to handle things, either. Sometimes it’s good to just face things.”

He paused for a moment, “I don’t know... Maybe I was already attuned to the idea of dying, that it didn’t effect me as badly as someone who wasn’t. I never fantasized about death, but I didn’t fear it, either. I just figured it’d come eventually, and when it did, well...”

He didn’t continue, and I couldn’t decide if it was because he was getting choked up, and hid it well, or if he just had nothing left to say.

“But...” He began again stiffly, “Comfort towards all death, not just my own... I think it’s because I believed that people I’d seen die, went somewhere worth while, at least, I hoped so. Guess that kept me occupied for a while.” He shrugged again, at a loss for words.

I hesitated before asking another question. “...Is that part of the reason why you love sunsets? Comfort?”

He pursed his lips thoughtfully as he paced the beach beside me, kicking up little waves of sand with every step. “In a way, yes. But not quite...”

I glanced at him to see if he was going to elaborate, without looking pressing.

“To me, sunsets have always been final. The end of something, the end of days. Rather the day you had was flat out terrible or the best one you could imagine, it all comes to an end with a beautiful view.”

“There isn’t always a sunset, though.” I disagreed thoughtfully.

“True, but you know there’s one. If it’s overcast and you cannot see it, you must assume there is one, just because the sky is getting darker to welcome night and all its’ stars.”

“But sometimes you cannot see the stars, just a... Black, endless void.” I frowned a bit, imagining the sadness I felt looking at the sky on a night like that, it just felt depressing to look up to the night sky and not see a single, shimmering spot in the darkness. “And assuming is dangerous.”

“It can be... But I think a better word is chance. Taking a chance to believe, and hope there’s a sunset to end the day. Even if you can’t see it.”

I paused, “I’m confused... What exactly to you mean by that?”

He thought carefully as he chose his word choice. “I guess what I mean is... Even if you can’t see something happening, doesn’t mean it isn’t. There’s change always happening, and while you may hate the grey clouds blocking out that bit of dying light, you’ll still get the stars in the end, which is the happy ending. And if you can’t see the stars, like the sunset, you know they’re there, and put confidence in them, and look forward to sunrise, instead. Point is, there’s always something to look forward to, every day. Life isn’t over because of a hardship here and there, that’s what makes you human, is when you have the patience and trust to wait out the storm, to see that brilliant sunrise, sunset, stars, whatever it may be.”

I was taken back by his sudden burst of wise words. Normally Andy handled issues with jokes and putting his ghostly powers to use, but instead he took a solid five minutes to explain this really deep concept of sunsets to me. I hadn’t realized that I’d stopped walking until I noticed he stood a few feet ahead of me, waiting for me to start moving again.

“Wow...” I finally said when all other words failed me. “Where’d you come up with that?”

“Just now, I think.” He scratched his forehead, “I was beginning to realize it as I thought about it.”

“Hmmm... So you’re one of those people who pull their intellect and wise comments out of their ass?”

He let out a loud cackle of laughter, “Absolutely.” After his smile faded, he collected himself, “But on a more serious level, I do mean it. This, this whole trip, everything you’re going through, it won’t last forever, and there’s always something to look forward to.”

“True...” I sighed as I began walking, “Unfortunately, most things are just illusions for me. Smoke in mirrors, false hopes laid down just to fool me.”

His eyebrows pulled together in thought. “Have I fooled you?”

I hesitated. “Not you, exactly.... Ugh, it’s weird and embarrassing... Forget I said anything else.” I sped up my steps a bit, trying to come up with something else to talk about.

“Ash, wait!” He jogged the few feet I’d put down between us. “What do you mean? Ash!” He grabbed for my shoulder to stop me and spun me around to face him. I buried my toes in the sand, looking at my feet while my face proceeded to turn a pinker shade of red the longer I was left on the spot.

“Ash?” He laughed, pushing my shoulder a bit, jokingly. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I don’t know why it’d be embarrassing.

I sighed, and took a deep breath. “You didn’t fool me... I fooled myself.” I finally said, unwillingly, wringing my hands together awkwardly. “The first time we actually ‘hung out’ together, it was the strangest thing ever... And with every time afterwards, I started to forget, or maybe I just blocked it out or whatever, but I forgot that you aren’t real. You’re not really here, breathing the same air I am, baking in the sun, getting a sunburn you’re going to regret later. To anyone looking, it’s just me standing here, talking to myself. I’ve fooled myself into a false setting of security and friendship. Of course your spirit is here, and I value your companionship very much... I just...” I stopped to catch my breath, looking at the sun reflecting off the water. “I wish you were really here. That when I hug you, your skin wasn’t ice cold, and I couldhear your heart beat. I wish so badly for you to be alive, to be able to age again, grow your hair and cry real tears, to live the life you deserve so, so much... And every day, every time you make me laugh, it just hurts much more.”

I pulled my hands apart and wiped at the frustrated tear that had managed to track down my face. Stiffling a pathetic, embarrassed laugh, I sighed. “This is ridiculous, I- I shouldn’t have said anything...” I mumbled, not bothering to actually look at his face, I turned away again to face the water, trying to distract myself from the pang of hurt and pent up frustration building in my heart, threatening to send another hurricane of tears to ruin the nice moment of friendship-bonding we’d been sharing.

It was an awkward, silent two minutes before he said anything else.

“You mean that?” His voice came out quiet, and unsure, the deep rumble of his voice bearing a sense of vulnerability I’d never heard before, and it took me off guard.

“That’s... Wow.” He just paused for a moment to gather himself. “I’m at a loss for words, actually... I’ve never had anyone say anything quite like that to me before, living or dead. Yeah... It bums me out, too, that we couldn’t have been friends before all of this, but I really want to make it up to you any way I can. But I know my stupid shenanigans could never mean as much to you as having me physically exist in the same world you do. My existence is limited, and it uses more of my energy to remain visible for a larger group of people. It would be impossible for me to go on to live a normal life ever again.” He heaved a frustrated sigh.

“But we’re both still fucked up people, right?” He almost whispered the words, and they sounded hesitant. A small smile came to my face.

“Of course...” I murmured back. “I am still the emo bitch queen, and you are still an asshole.” I didn’t turn around, but I did jump when I was abruptly enclosed in a secure hug. Andy chuckled as he hugged me tightly.

The happiness faded from the embrace to one of fear and concern. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, his body still just as cold as I remembered. No heart beat, no sound...

“It does scare me, though... All the things I’ve seen while I’ve been dead. There is so much more to it, that you wouldn’t believe... And it just scares me that one day, out of nowhere, I might not exist at all.”

I froze up at his comment. “Andy... What do you mean by that?” My fingers gripped his back tighter in fear he’d disappear right then, leaving me to hug the air, alone on the sand of Alluki Beach.

He froze up, too, realizing he’d said something he wasn’t supposed to. “Er...”

“Andy.”

He sighed, and I could hear the wind move through his chest as the gust of air exited, but nothing else.

“It’s random... Some ‘good deeds’ bullshit. If you’ve been a ‘good ghost’ they’ll randomly yank you from whatever fictional life you’re living, and toss you into whatever otherworld exists...”

“How do you know that? Did someone tell you?” I whispered in confusion.

“Not exactly... When it happened, when I died, through all the lights, and me standing over myself, I could hear it, the words in my ears. They didn’t make sense and I thought I was insane... It’d be impossible to explain without making it sound farfetched as all fuck.”

Just the idea... That one day, no matter what, he could be gone... It terrified me. He was the one true friend I’d ever had. The one person who I felt I could tell anything, without judgement or scorn.

A few moments past, a seagull flew overhead, sqwaking obnoxiously.

“So... One day, you could just be gone.”

A moment passed before he answered with a sigh. “Yes.”

“And you have no idea how long that’ll take?”

“No...”

Realization crashed down on me, and I gripped him tighter than before, until my arms ached, fingers grew stiff and my own lungs ached for air because of the crushing exchange. Panicked tears filled my eyes.

“Hey, hey, we still have today, and tomorrow...”

“You don’t know that.” I whispered, voice full of sorrow.

He didn’t reply, but I felt him tighten his arms and press his face into my hair, soft, cold tears fell from above and we shared this pathetic, horrifically sad hug. It made me fear how many we really had left.

“I have an idea...” He finally breathed after a few minutes. “I will need your help.”

“Okay... Name it, whatever it is.”

He finally pulled back, and I let him go, reluctantly. “It involves causing a lot of havoc.”

It wasn’t surprising, really. And despite how amusing and like him the comment was, a smile did not rise to my lips. I only sighed and contemplated the stress of the burden he’d placed on my shoulders. I didn’t blame him for telling me, because as far as I could tell, he’d been keeping it a secret for some time.

“Hey, cheer up. Let’s go explore some more. Need to dry those tears before your parents see them. Come on.” He wiped my cheek and grabbed my arm, and with a brief struggle, yanked me up onto his back awkwardly, laughing crazily to relieve my fear. It disapated a bit, but still lingered.

“Your parents are probably missing you. Want to head back to explore some of the shops?”

“Sure.” I sighed, frowning when he wasn’t looking.

Notes

Chapter inspired partially by Pandora's Box by Alan Silvestri. The theme of the song felt similar to their argument on the beach, in a way, I dunno haha maybe it's just because of how dramatic the theme is. :D


Shoutouts!

- anathema
- Fallen_Savior