Andy

CC and I parted ways a half hour later. He followed the sidewalk that went south, and I followed the one that went north, slowly taking my time back to the school, oddly enjoying how it felt to break rules, even thought my heart was beating out of my chest, wondering what might happen if I got caught.

It was put in the back of my mind, behind far more important things, like getting caught up in the streets and my surroundings of Pendant.

But eventually, those got dull, too, and I left the city behind, in turn, for the house on Apture road.

I approached it, the swaying brown grass moving aside like it was a homecoming. But looking at the old house, only half standing, consumed in all walks of life, from vines to moss, with bird nests in the rafters, I felt like it was home. The place was familiar, I'd been here many times, and always felt the familiar wave of closure close over me.

This time I felt uncertainty, but also, belonging. I wanted the closure I so desperately seeked, and I felt like I'd be more likely to find it here than on Andy's grave.

As I got closer to the house, I could almost see an aura of welcoming light around it. I smiled, and pulled off my hoodie as I crossed the field and tied it around my waist, stretching out my arms at my side, like wings, embracing the warm breeze that blew my way. The Prophet jacket fluttered lightly, and I could hear the hadcuffs on the back clattering as I walked. It was almost as if Andy were still there, because of all the damn noise his clothes made.

Squeaky leather, rattling chains, dangly crucifix earrings and necklaces, and the clanking of the handcuffs.

I sighed in relief, I felt relaxed now, breathing in the fresh air instead of being coped up in my room, where I would have been if I hadn't been out here.

I think that's something people leave out when comforting others about loss. They forget to mention, that the key to closure is finding a balance between doing things that remind you of the lost, and find new things to refresh your mind.

That's what I was doing now, and at the moment, I felt okay. I didn't feel like I had to count down the seconds until clouds rolled in and ruined my day with negative thoughts and self blame.

I walked around the house, just lingering in the shadows a bit before I stepped through the burned out hole in the wall, and kicked over the same crate I'd sat on last time, looking across at the fruit crate where Andy had sat, listening to me sing for the first time.

I crossed my legs as I sat there, leaning back. A warm breeze swirled around me, and I smiled, breathing it in. Considering it was only midspring, it was beautiful, and the birds knew it was warm weather. They were already builind nests and swooping through the air in low arcs.

I could hear them singing, and I could look up in the exposed rafters of the house, and see them hopping around across the exposed wood, picking up bugs and seed from the vines that twisted in an aimless direction across the side of the house.

Knowing how I felt was one step, understanding it was the next one, which I believed would be the hardest, since I never truly understood the situation, nor did I ever understand Andy.

After a while of sitting there enjoying the sun and breeze, I pulled my journal from my backpack, and tapped my pen against the pages as I wrote some new lyrics. They seemed to flow effortlessly from me today, translating everything I felt onto the paper.

I looked down at the words indifferently, particuarly the line: All the colors in the world collide at once, but as you step away from me, it all bleeds into another grey night. Drawn up in my cold mind, I struggle to find a reason you couldn't stay. I'm drawing pictures of you, but a detail gets lost and your face fades from mind. I'm becoming forgetful.

I got up from the crate, and set my journal aside and stepped out of the house, and walked further out into the field, listening to the waves of brown grass sway around my knees. I sat down there, and lied down on my back, and looked up at the fleecey white clouds above, and like I had when I was a child, I searched for shapes. Animals, numbers, people, and cars were the most common things I found.

I leaned my head back for a better look, and took another deep breath, concentrating on the small details of that moment. I could smell the warm air, and I could hear the birds in the air, and the grass swaying, hiding me from view. I could feel myself hidden in the grass, invisible to anyone who would get too close. I closed my eyes and became very still, holding my breath for a few seconds, just to experience, and try to imagine what Andy had felt like. But I could never replicate that, and I didn't want to. The whole thing just made me curious.

My day continued on like that for a while, just pointless, relaxing things. I didn't really think about anything else, I just let my mind go as I looked at the churning clouds above.

My time seemed to run out too quick, though... Because when I checked the time an hour later, it was almost five, and my parents would make it home before I would if I didn't hurry, and things would be suspicious.

I pulled myself up off the ground, wiping the dirt off my jeans, I headed back to the house to pack my stuff back into my backpack.

I remained solemn as I went through the motions, taking my time because I really didn't want to go home, back to my room, where I'd be bombarded with his false presence.

The walk back didn't last, either. And by the time I started walking past houses, I had to put my hoodie back on to conceal the Prophet jacket, just in case anyone recognized it. But then I realized it wouldn't matter, because I was like a shadow to everyone. They didn't notice me until I spoke or took action, I was just there.

Unfortunately, I was already cooking up a lie when my house came into view, and with it, both of their cars, parked in the driveway. They were already home early from work.

I buried my hands deep in my jacket pockets and kept my head down as I approached the front door.

When I got inside, I heard my parents in the living room, and headed in the direction of their voices, and found them watching Fox news while sharing their mutual opinions on the new race of presidential canidates.

"Oh, you're home." My mom said in surprise when she noticed me there, awkwardly standing in the doorway.

"Sorry, gym drug out..." I apologized, having to take a moment to even remember what my last class of the day normally was.

"How was school?"

"Great." I replied with a semi-enthusastic tone. The part I caught, anyways... I thought to myself. "I've got some homework to catch up on, I'll see you guys at dinner." I excused myself and headed up the stairs to my room.

It was lie, too... Any observant person would know I finished my homework obsessively, and never missed an assignment unless I was physically incapable of doing it. All I had from today was a history assignment, but why bother? I had no intentions of going to school tomorrow, either. There were lyrics to be written and clouds to be watched, and I didn't want to place myself in a room with those dick jocks again.

I went to my window seat and hit play on my CD player, and grabbed Andy's photo off the desk for another unhealthy dose of memories.

Notes