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Andy

Goodbye.

More and more of Andy's family and friends stood up to share their stories and speeches. I was grateful to find that none of those shit-talking bitches from school had shown up.

It was actually more so light-hearted than sad and tearful. Andy got to laughing until he was mute when Jinxx and a few friends he went to school with got up and did a rap cover of Knives and Pens, and everyone was laughing and smiling.

Personally, I feel like that's more of what funerals are for. Giving the living a chance to overcome their loss with one another, and reflect, with humorous bits from the person's life. It made people understand why the loss had to happen, and respect it, and smile in pride because that got to know them, and love them before it was their time.

Unfortunately, the afternoon drew to a close, and they announced that it was time to bury Andy. People began to get up, and walk to their cars, some stayed behind and helped load things up. The hearse left first, leading the line of cars to the cemetery outside of town. I gave Amy and Chris another hug each, and apologized for their loss. They smiled and thanked me, and told me I was welcome to visit them any time, I nodded in agreement, wondering if one day I'd find the courage to tell them I communicated with their son during his final days, or, after his final days, should I say. Maybe they'd believe me.

Everything was cleaned up quickly because the ammount of help we had. Andy gave me a tight hug when no one was looking.

"I'm going to ride with my parents, if that's okay?"

"Of course." I pulled him in for another hug, and watched him walk after his parents to their car. According to customs, they were supposed to get to drive directly behind the hearse.

Almost like clockwork, as we pulled out from the park, it began to rain... Silver droplets slid down the glass of my window, peeling away the sunny day, stripping the clouds of their sunlight.

Saying I was 'bummed out' was a major understatment. I could feel myself coming apart at the seams. I hadn't had the chance to just... Say goodbye to Andy. To thank him for everything... Maybe that's how this is supposed to be, that's how death works.

The cemetery wasn't far from the park, and we were all climbing out of our cars again. Luckily, the rain had eased up for now, but I had my doubts that the day would finish out without it raining at least one more time.

The hearse was parked along the sidewalk, and the casket bearers carried it across the damp, green grass, setting it down beside the pre-dug hole. Grieving people gathered around it, arms around each other interlocked in some embrace of comfort. The one person I wanted to hug would make me disappear, and that would probably scare a lot of people.

"Ash!"

I looked over my shoulder, and saw Andy, standing beneath a scraggly little tree. He beconned me over. I slowly stepped back from the crowd and jogged over, realizing the tree was just big enough to hide us from view.

My heart drop as I rounded the trunk and saw him... Not him, exactly, but what he was wearing. He wore a crisp black suit, identical to the one in the casket. He had a tie, resting smoothly against his throat, and his smile was careful, and apologetic.

"I'm sorry." He apologized when he knew I understood what this was.

He pulled out something from behind his back and handed it to me. I looked down at it, it was a simple paper back with a fabric object inside.

"Don't look yet. I want you to keep it for me. Keep it to remember me."

My lip quivered, and I nodded, hugging the bag to my chest. "I will."

The corner of his mouth pulled up in a half smile. "I'm really glad I got to meet you, Asheen. You're even more extraordinary than I imagined."

I looked down so he couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes, but somehow he knew. He approached me, and wrapped his arms around me, and I disappeared into his embrace, just as dead and invisible as him. He held me there, his hands rubbing small circles into my back. There was nothing I wanted to say, because every combination of words just screamed the end. This was the end, and we both knew it.

He checked the fancy watch he wore, which was another relic from the coffin. "I have a half hour." He told me softly, and I nodded into his chest.

"I'll never forget you being my first panic attack." I joked with a quiet laugh, and I could hear his vibrate in his chest. I could feel his cold skin through his shirt and jacket, and with my head placed against his chest, there was one thing that made him far from human, and far from real.

He had no heartbeat.

It was silent as a stone, besides the soft whistle of his breaths entering and exiting his lungs pointlessly. It's not like he needed the air anymore, it was just a reflex... A reflex from another life and time.

"You know I need to do this." He whispered, placing his chin atop my head, embracing me in the same way I had the night before, sharing the same bit of comfort.

I closed my eyes, and a tear rolled from my cheek, and I whispered into his jacket lapel, "I wish you were real."

He didn't respond, so I assumed he hadn't heard me. I just squeezed him a little tighter, and he squeezed back.

"I'm sorry." He whispered again. "But we're out of time."

"I understand." I murmured, and I pulled away, smiling up at him sadly, taking in his face, committing it to memory forever. I never wanted to forget him.

He guided me back to the crowd, his hand resting on my back, careful not to take away my visibility. I approached everyone just as the priest began to read a passage softly, his voice rising above all other sounds, shaking the very heavens with the strength of his words.

I watched Andy slip from my side, and walk around the group slowly, and kiss people's cheeks, pat their shoulders, and whisper things in their ears, while they buried their faces in tissues, agonized at the sight of the six foot hole in the ground.

At last, he'd said his goodbyes to everyone there, and he approached the coffin, looking down at himself for an impossibly long ammount of time. I got caught up watching him, selfishly wishing he'd change his mind, but my heart continued to sink, and I continued to keep my brave face on, even as he opened the lower cavity of the coffin, and climbed over the edge, and lie down inside, joining his body in the final goodbye.

I couldn't see him anymore and I started to shake. My Dad asked what was wrong, and I responded that I was just cold. But in reality, the shakes were the beginnings of something dangerous. A panic attack on the brink.

I fought back against my negative thoughts in an attempt to stay calm.

"Now, if you have an item you would like to present to Andrew, do it now." The priest said, stepping aside, making room for the line that had already formed. I slipped from my parents side, and made sure I was the last in line. I wanted to take my time.

Andy's parents were first, and people respectively waited. I couldn't even begin to imagine the level of grief that they were fighting. Mine would feel like a playground scuff compared to the agony they were.

The line drifted forward, but I didn't really notice, I was nervous, and in a daze.

When I was the last one, I hesitantly approached and looked down at him, he didn't open his eyes or smile one last time, and I feared that he was already gone. That he was wrong, and that was the catch. Once he lied down with his body, he was automatically sent into the next life.

"Andy..." I whispered, tears welling up on the brink of spilling over, but no one was looking our way to notice.

"I know I bitched a lot..." I smiled sadly, lifting my purse to rest it on the edge of the casket while I dug through it for the item. "Especially about you using my makeup. But hey, you've gotta look badass while you look for Ashley, right?"

I pulled out the small tube of liquid eyeliner and rolled it around in my hand for a moment in thought, before I reached forward, and tucked it into the lapel of his jacket.

"Take care." I whispered, at a loss for anymore words. I brushed my fingers along his hand, and it wasn't even the icy temperature I was used to. It was just cold.

I stepped away, and wiped the tears from my cheeks, but more quickly replaced them.

"Honey, are you okay?" An elderly woman asked.

"Yeah." I answered, my voice cracking. "I'm great."

I went to find my dad. "Dad, can I go home? I'm not feeling well..."

"Do you want me to drive you?" He asked. I shook my head, truth be told, I needed the time alone. "No, I'll be fine. I love you." I hugged him before I left. I peeled off the heels after a couple blocks of walking, and just let them dangle from my fingers as I walked numbly, and as aimlessly as a zombie. Stuggling to process that I had just lost what I now admit to myself, was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Andy was wonderful.... Always knew what to say, how to make you smile, even if you were pissed. We were never really angry with each other, and we stood by each other all week, and it felt like a lifetime. I took him places he'd never been before, and he took me to do things I never imagined possible. I got to experience my first concert with him, and it was the greatest night of my life. Watching his former bandmates, listen to them play his old songs, and watching the music move through him, because he understood it, he always had.

I just wanted away.... My walking slowly spead up, and I was jogging, then sprinting, then I was running. I was flying up the blocks of street and concrete between me and home... But that wasn't where I wanted to go. I wanted to go somewhere where Andy had never been, somewhere there were no memories, but he was everywhere, all around me. His name was written in the rain that was picking up again, falling down on me...

Restoring balance to earth for a little while...

I slowed to a stop and remembered why I loved the rain. I loved it because of how it made me feel, and the rush of standing in it was roughly similar to how I felt talking to Andy. He was the rain... He was the wind and sun, and the trees growing in the earth. He was the vines growing on the burned out house on Apture road, he was something living and breathing, even though I couldn't see him

This is how I remember Andy Biersack. I remember him with every rain drop.

The boy who fell, and where he landed, he soaked through, bleeding into the surface, spreading out, and in retrospect, warmed my heart and made me experience the greatest things, all in one drop of rain.

My dress was dripping as I kept going, weighed down, it dragged on the sidewalk slightly, and frayed around the bottom. My feet were sore and wet, and I dragged on further up the empty street as the rain picked up into a pour. I held out my hand, and admired the drops colliding with my palm.

"Andy." I whispered in recognition, feeling him there, in those cold drops.

The only difference was... As I called his name this time, the same as the first, he didn't materialize out of thin air, with some cocky remark. The street was silent, other than the sound of the rain splashing against the pavement around me.

Notes

Comments

I just want to say, I am here to support you no matter what you do <3

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
4/12/20

Oh gosh, I'm getting weird vibes towards this "sketchy" part of town.

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
5/8/19

I am absolutely in love with this book!

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
4/30/19

Poor Ashley. Poor Andy. Poor Asheen. Wow, what a story! :)

Merelan Merelan
4/29/19

I am conspiring so many theories about this book my head hurts... lol... anyway, great chapter as usual! Can't wait to read what happens next

Mezzy18 Mezzy18
4/25/19