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A Demon's Regret


It just didn’t matter how old I got; I was still a parent. As soon as I saw Andy and (Y/N) had finally started bumpin’ uglies, I just couldn’t watch anymore. I mean, I was glad- thrilled, actually- but I sure as shit didn’t want to see it go down, ugh!

But it was like a small weight was lifted off my chest. I finally watched the Reds game, took care of a little satanic business that was absolutely top-priority, went to see Amy, even got a bit of a tongue-lashing for such a close call. Then came the next step in ensuring my son (and potential heir’s) future.

I really didn’t like making trips upstairs. I wasn’t unwelcome per se, it just made my skin itch. Dennis and I already had a complex relationship, the fact that I would be going there asking a favor was going to make things even less comfortable…

I cringed before adjusting my ball cap in the mirror and quickly looking myself over. I decided to go casual and tuck away all the demonic-looking stuff (horns, wings, and tail), in case I ran into some unsuspecting angel and it shat its pants, toga, or whatever the fuck. I hoped no one would notice the holes in my cap.

With a sigh, I poked a route through the dimensions to my old home. Sensing my Father was in his den, I opted for the entryway. Ugh. With a grunt, I jumped the long distance, then opened the portal and materialized.

It went even less smoothly than I had anticipated. I heard a chorus of, “The Dark One!” “The Morning Star!” etc., around me as angels scattered, and I groaned. Why did I even bother? Only one did not flee, and I wasn’t exactly glad to see him. Ugh, Michael. Really? That fucker had the meanest uppercut.

Thankfully, he just nodded, and refrained from macho posturing. “I’ll let Him know you’re here.”

For the sake of playing nice, I didn’t laugh out loud at such a ridiculous remark. Let the Lord of All Things know I was here? Please… Instead, I just nodded and waited, holding in a fiery belch of irritation until no one was looking.

Well, I thought no one was looking. There was small angel child, hidden behind a post, looking at me, frightened but curious. I felt bad, so I gave him a lame thumbs-up. He wrinkled his nose in confusion. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to be too friendly; I knew he was supposed to hate me-

Michael came back, hand resting ‘casually’ on the pommel of his ever-present sword (as though I’d try shit here, what the fuck?). “He’s waiting for you, brother.”

Again, instead of skewering Michael’s eyes with my claws for daring to still call me his brother, I just nodded, and headed down the old, familiar hall to the All-Father’s den.

I walked in, and there he was, sitting on the sofa, in a matching tracksuit. “Hey Dennis-“

He snorted. “-Can’t you call me Dad? We’ve talked about this! I know you don’t live at home anymore, but calling me Dennis is just…” He shook his head and trailed off, looking tired, and I decided to let it go for the time being.

I took a seat in an armchair next to the sofa and waited for Aten to tell me what he thought of my predicament. Andy’s fate rested in the hands of a cranky, old man.

After a minute, he got an irritated expression, rolling his eyes at me. “Look, we’ve been over that before, too. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but I can’t magically sense how you want to express the situation to me, exactly what you want to say or accomplish. You still have free will, Chris. Dang! Don’t you want to use it and put your case forward for your boy? Hmm?”

I was indignant. “You don’t need to take that tone with me, for Pete’s sake! I’m worried about Andy, as in, your grandson, your proper grandson-“

The Almighty raised a hand. “-I know who he is-“

I stood up, smoke shooting out of my nose despite myself. “-Well do you even care? I love him, not just because I want to make him my heir, I actually love him like a son, a real son! And I know how children should be treated! I remember his childhood, and I want to give it back to him-“

Elohim stood tall. “-Chris, hold on a second-“

But I had lost my temper, as I sometimes did, and there was no stopping me then. “-Jesus, will you listen to yourself? I love-“

Well, I had thought there was no stopping me. But Jesus, as in, actual Jesus, stuck his head in the den. “What’s up? You called?” I waved lamely, stopping mid-rant, at my much younger brother. Poor kid. “Oh, Chris! Hey man!”

Jesus took a step in the den, but our Father walked swiftly up to him. “My son, would you join the Cherubim and lead them in discussion of, um, something really… good?”

Jesus’ eyes flicked over to me and he nodded in comprehension. “Absolutely. Catch you later, Chris!” He waved. I waved back again and sighed before sitting back down.

This was not going how I had envisioned. And why did Jesus’ followers, who had made me their antithesis, absolutely have to end up being called Christians, anyway? That still got under my skin!

Shàngdì chuckled. “Yeah, the irony of that never gets old, kiddo. You know he'd really like to get to know you better."

I groaned. "Do you have any idea how much mayhem would ensue if the three of us went to a ballgame together?"

He blinked. "Perhaps we could watch one on the telly? So anyway. You were saying?”

I decided to take things from a new angle. “You know that, when Andy was born, we made the decision to raise him as a demon, so he could be immortal. When he was old enough, we had to hide his memories of his childhood, so he could blend in.” I sighed. “He’s done very well for himself. Insofar as I know, no one knows he has a human mother, not even Andy. He is the very first among his kind.”

I rubbed my eyes, trying to think about what I wanted to say in advance, but unable. Instead, I just spoke from my satanic heart. “Just as I’d always feared, Andy has fallen in love with one of his human women. I’m sure you know how his contracts work. I imagine you can even read his contract with your, you know, all-seeing eye or whatever.”

The Creator raised a silver eyebrow at me. “Give me your version of how you see things, Chris.”

I frowned. This was unnecessary torture. “Andy doesn’t know he’s in love, he’s never felt it before, but I’m sure of it. He’s in a contract with a human, mortal woman.

“As things stand, it’s almost a standard contract, with a minor loophole. If he leaves before a month’s time, then he might be able to see her again. But she would be free to love someone else; so he’ll never do that, he has too much pride. If he leaves after a month’s time, then she can never be loved or fulfilled by another person again. Of course, he could just never leave her apartment, but he’d go insane, and I want my son and heir.”

Jehovah raised the obvious point. “Why can Andy not visit her again after he leaves, after the full month has passed? Has he never tried that with women before?”

Irritated, knowing he knew the answer, I shook my head. “The strength of the grief the women feel prevents him from approaching. It would take power greater than Andy’s to allow him to come near, he couldn’t see her again even if he wanted to. Besides, there's the additional problem of her mortality.”

I put my head in my hands, at a loss. I took a moment to slowly inhale, then exhale, then rub my eyes again. “Please. Andy will die without her love; I will lose my son. You will lose your grandson. I’ve come asking for your help, for a way out of his contract, some solution. It’s too powerful a thing for me to break it. You are the only one who can.”

I watched the Infinite One, the oldest being in existence, sit back and think, rubbing his whiskers. My son’s fate hung in the balance.


Oooh! So, what do you think God will say, eh?

I betcha he says something kinda fucked up!



I try! ;3


Working on it! <3

SmuttyPariah SmuttyPariah

I hope you're feeling better!

Naughty Naughty Naughty! :)

Merelan Merelan

Oh, coolness... can't wait to read that chapter! :)

Merelan Merelan


I know, right? Haha! I think it might be even fluffier than my Santa oneshot. But never fear- I never provide fluff unbalanced by filth. Heh.

SmuttyPariah SmuttyPariah