A Demon's Regret

I hung up, and didn’t have time for any explanations (Y/N) before Father arrived. I chuckled at his appearance, but (Y/N) yanked my arm. Oh dear, it seemed I really should have been slightly less impulsive and clarified a few things in advance.

(Y/N) sounded furious! “Andy! You’ve kidnapped Jack Nicholson! What have you done!? Holy shit, I’m going to go to prison-“

“(Y/N), that’s my Father-“ How was I to know she was a big fan of The Witches of Eastwick? Most people have really pretty ordinary fare in terms of satanic notions. I hadn’t figured on a celebrity!

“-Jack Nicholson is your father?” I shook my head but (Y/N) wasn’t really looking. “Jesus!” (Y/N) pointed at my now less-pleased looking Father. I winced. She just had to bring him up? I had terrible luck! “You mean he really is the devil? Oh my God-“

I was stricken dumb with horror. The woman who I treasured above all else had not just mentioned the J-man in front of Lucifer, she mentioned the other guy. I felt dizzy, like I was going to pass out. I sat down, overwhelmed and totally nauseated. I was afraid I was going to have to fight my own creator in a pathetic attempt to defend (Y/N). We would both inevitably be slaughtered-

Father interrupted my thoughts. “-Now, now, no need to draw any attention from either of the aforementioned, young lady. Allow me to explain, if I may?”

He must have done something, as (Y/N) just nodded complacently. That immediately irritated me. (Y/N) was MINE, I didn’t want ANYONE, not even Satan himself, touching her, messing with her head, having anything to do with her-

“Generally, around humans, if he or she has a preconceived concept of how I, the Devil, or what have you, should look, I will do my best to accommodate. As you can imagine, it works best in one-on-one interactions. You just happen to have retained the impression of Jack Nicholson from The Witches of Eastwick rather strongly. It was that or Tim Curry from Legend, and that was just too much razzle dazzle.” He cleared his throat. “Now, if you will excuse us, miss, I need to talk to Andy for a moment.” (Y/N) nodded dully and left the room.

I had to watch my temper. I didn’t want to wreck (Y/N)’s apartment. Still, quick as a flash, I was up and towering above Jack Nicholson-Satan with smoke oozing from my nostrils. “Don’t you dare touch her! She’s MINE! What have you done to-“

The big man snorted and grew a few inches, now just looking like my Father, Chris, though I never called him that. He put a hand on my shoulder. “Easy, Andy, easy. I’ve just helped her stay calm and let us talk, that’s all. Sit down again. Tell me what’s going on.”

I hesitated for one last moment. Telling the Ruler of the Underworld of my failures would be everything I had ever tried to avoid my entire life. The Dark Lord had always told me he thought of me not just as one of his many thousands of spawn, but as though I were a real son, that he held me in special favor. If I told him the many ways I had failed, and he disapproved, my life was forfeit.

For a moment, I wavered in my convictions. I enjoyed being the best at what I did. Always being the first of my kind, already an extremely elite group, getting to pick and choose the prey I chose to visit. I liked ultimate freedom over whom I added to my collection, which women I decided to make mine, to own and virtually destroy. Only the most beautiful, the most delicious, signed my contracts, because I had always been unsurpassed among a group of the already exclusive.

And the benefits in my downtime… the many women that came from far and wide, throughout the Underworld, to beg for my attentions. How fine it had been to turn the vast majority of them away. To subject only the finest to whatever I wanted.

Could I really tell Beelzebub that I had failed in every way? That I was near death? I would be relying wholly on his mercy. My formerly spotless record would not just be blemished, it would be destroyed.

But then, I caught a glimpse of the rose (Y/N) had given me out of the corner of my eye. I felt something as I turned to look at it, something that was almost physically painful. Perhaps the waffles from earlier? But I knew then, without question, that any chance at gaining (Y/N)’s affections was better than turning back now.

I turned to face my Father and noticed he had gone pale and looked somber. “Forgive me, my liege, for I have failed you in performing my duties in every way, and I know not why. Still, I called you here to ask for your aid, as I feel it is the only hope I have of living, much less future success.”

Lucifer, the Morningstar, sat down, hard, on the couch. “Andy, please. Forget about duties. Just tell me what’s going on.”

I hadn't expected him to react that way. In a burst of either bravery or foolishness, I did. I revealed everything. I told him how I had only secured a contract with modifications, how (Y/N) did not appear to desire me as any normal human woman should, much less as her body told me she most definitely did. I told him of my shameful actions, and how I had grown to crave (Y/N) so profoundly, I had come near death. I described the power of (Y/N)’s emotions, how she made me feel, how she tasted, how she was different and puzzling. I told him how, if I could not have her, I did not want to live any longer.

The boss man rubbed his chin. He didn’t seem disappointed at all. “I don’t understand how I can help, Andy. I see that this is important, but I can’t compel her-“

I shook my head as I paced. “-No! Never! I would never jostle a hair on her divine head in a way she did not care for! It, well, I am weak, too weak, and there is a sensitive matter…”

This was embarrassing and uncomfortable to discuss. “Ehm, (Y/N) is a modern woman. Practical, if you will. She should be applauded, of course, for being mindful of her health, really…”

I felt my face grow hot as hellfire, but I just powered through the rest and tried to keep my hair adjustments to a minimum. “The form, or nature, of my, er, my privates, is not like human, male privates. It presents a problem with regards to her preferred method of, um, romantic interludes. And I yearn for, eh, aforementioned opportunities-“

Satan nodded. “Ahh, so she’s worried about your dick?”

I grinned awkwardly and nodded. “Heh-hehmm...”

Lucifer furrowed his eyebrows. “You want me to vouch for you about your wang? You called me here, so that I could swear up and down, to a human, that your penis won’t hurt her, make her sick, or get her pregnant? Just so you can get laid?”

If I had thought my face was hot before, it was molten lava now, and my nervous grin was splitting my face. I just grunted affirmatively.

The Lord of the Dead stood. “Son, I am so proud of you!” I was surprised to find myself on the receiving end of a rather firm, manly, backslapping embrace. He pulled away abruptly. “Shit, the apple sometimes just doesn’t fall too far from the tree, does it?” I grinned, happy but confused. “Fetch your woman, I will speak on your behalf, my son.”

I felt slightly optimistic, if befuddled, as I went down the hall to (Y/N)’s bedroom. I found her sitting on her bed. She looked at me dubiously when I came in. “Is Satan still in my living room?”

I nodded. “I beg you, my sweet, come speak with him? He created me, he can act as an authority that my word is true. Please?”

She cocked her head at me. “Isn’t he supposed to be the Lord of Lies?”

I rolled my eyes and hoped the boss man was out of earshot, only to hear him chuckle in the other room. Shit. “I suppose that depends on what you’ve heard. However, he has no interest in deceiving you right now-“

She smiled up at me, and it was so fetching. “I’m just giving you a hard time! Sure, I’ll talk to him. Why not?”

I hummed happily as I followed her out to where the Dark Lord, looking like Jack Nicholson once again, had sat back down. I was surprised to see him holding a contract in his hands. Instantly I was on my guard. (Y/N) was MINE!

He gestured to (Y/N), and I stood to hover directly behind her, ready to snatch her hand away from any pens. “Observe, miss. While Andy is weakened, I am not. I have written a contract for the occasion. See if you approve, and I will sign it. Your signature is not required.”

What? I had never heard of Hades signing a contract of his own making! Would it even be binding? I read it quickly but carefully over (Y/N)'s shoulder. It was brief, just stating that he, Christopher, would speak the truth to the best of his knowledge during this conversation, on this date, with (Y/N) and myself. Hmm…

(Y/N) looked pleased. “I’m flattered by your efforts, sir. I approve.”

Jack Nicholson-Satan smiled. “Good. Flattery is a specialty of mine.” He signed it! I also noted that he had a much flashier way of igniting his contracts, and tucked that away for reference. That had looked really posh!

The big man made a comical face. “Now, without the intent of making anyone uncomfortable, I shall summarize in brief. Andy is a type of demon that has a personal area unlike males of your own species, young lady. Yes, his phallus has very small appendages that superficially resemble spines. They are not painful to females at any time and the net effect is designed to be a physically pleasurable one. Andy was made far before the invention of condoms. Thus far, to my knowledge, there are no condoms that withstand more than a few minutes with such appendages, even when layered. The good news is that Andy is definitely sterile and unable to transmit human or demonic sexually transmitted diseases.”

What? Wait a second! I couldn’t transmit demonic diseases? Since when? Either the contract my Father had signed wasn’t binding or there was something I didn’t know. Why had I been tested so rigorously, along with everyone else, all these thousands of years? I didn’t dare say anything right then, but I had to remember to investigate later.

Jack Nicholson-Satan grinned widely. “In short, I hope I have helped to somewhat allay your fears, miss.”

I looked to (Y/N), and found she was smiling! “Yes, thank you. Would you like a drink? Some food?”

Horrified, I quickly interjected. “She means human food.”

The Dark Lord must have caught my mood. “No, thank you for the kind offer, miss. I have an errand to run, actually.”

The Ruler of the Underworld came up to me, and I saw care and worry in his eyes. They were the same, even in Jack Nicholson’s face. “Andy… If you need to talk more about this later, and I think you will, you call again. Don’t hesitate.”

As Satan embraced me once more before vanishing, I was overcome with bewilderment. What could he mean? Did he know something I did not?

Notes

Behold, my loyal (hopefully) readers! For the first time, I am updating here first, and not tumblr. That being because my erstwhile tumblr army has totally failed me. I beseeched them, on bended knee, to go forth and check out one of my most favorite stories (the nemesis got me addicted):

Shadowglass

It's called Shadowglass, and, if you check it out, and I certainly hope you will, you'll notice it's written far better than anything of mine (that was not an invitation to argue with me).

Here's the deal. I begged my (what I thought) mighty tumblr army to check out that story and be supportive of the author, in an effort to get her to update more often because I AM ADDICTED TO THAT STORY OK!!!!!?????!!! I MUST HAVE IT!!!

Now, to a man, as of me publishing this chapter, not a single one of my tumblrs has left a comment. This displeases me. While I'm not saying they must all share my taste, I am saying that their taste is bad if they don't like that story (hahaha!), but I was thinking, out of the (no need to brag but large number) of followers I have amassed, FUCKING ONE OF THEM could have taken the time to read a really excellent story so that i could get the awesome updates that i simply MUST have in order to survive.

So. Let it be known that I went ahead and worked all night. I have many, many chapters written ahead for 'A Demon's Regret,' now. Yes, smut included. I told the tumblrs I wouldn't publish chapters if they fucked me over and I wasn't kidding.

Tomorrow, I imagine, since no one really cares much for Intergalactic Prison, I'll go ahead and write a zillion chappys for 'I Didn't Want to Get Married,' and do the same thing I just did here. And if no one pays attention to my beloved Shadowglass story, well, I write for myself anyway. The rest of the world can wait a month or however long until I feel like posting an update, right?

Please, ONE of you, at least, go read that story, and, if you like it, tell the author so. (if not, say nothing, or i will be pissed!) Consider this a war with my tumblr fans. Let's see who wins? So far, they are in my disfavor.

Here's a link to the story again: Shadowglass