Demons

The next week went by in a blur. I could no longer put off work nor my hunt for an apartment, and the boys left the morning after Andy picked me up, to go work at the studio, so the days lacked the already familiar air of jokes and laughter. Although Tina and CC’s goodbye was the most mushy and cringe-worthy scene I had observed in my entire life, it was slightly cute. Even if I had to convince Tina that they were only going away for a few weeks and not going to war. My mood hadn’t been the same - the constant tiredness in my heavy limbs and the perpetual gnawing hunger in my gut simultaneously urged my habits on and set me on edge. And to top it off, my guilt increased exponentially the more I stayed at their house instead of my own, no matter how many times my apologies were waved off.

I had picked up a new habit of going for a run every morning before work - a habit strangely frowned upon by everyone else in the household. If I had a dollar each time Karen asked me to “at least have some toast” before work, I would be rich. Lunch was easily skipped at work, with only a bottle of water and maybe an apple if I was exceptionally hungry, but dinner was the hard part. I alternated between sneaking bits of food into my napkin and lying about having a big lunch at work.

On the morning of the sixth day, just as I was lacing up my running shoes, Lucy knelt to my level to gain my attention. “Holy shit,” I exclaimed when jumping up in shock, thoroughly surprised at her sudden intrusion. She rolled her eyes as she leaned against the wall next to me, suspiciously quiet. “Uh… Good morning?” I greeted, my tone wavering, as I reached to grab my jacket. Her gaze practically seared my skin, and I shuffled uncomfortably on the spot. “I know what you’re up to,” she said after a few moments of silence, launching my heart into my throat. Despite the cold sweat breaking through my skin, I managed to seem at least slightly cool and send her a questioning look. “I don’t know what you-“ My would-have-been ramble was luckily cut off by John, who dragged his feet tiredly into the hallway, briefcase in hand and glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. His bleary eyes crinkled as he yawned before greeting us. “Morning, girls.” We mumbled our replies quietly, and while John shrugged on his coat and struck up at casual conversation between him and Lucy, I seized my opportunity to slip through the front door unnoticed. I immediately broke into a jog and didn’t stop for another half hour.

Work was generic as always, although a few coworkers commented on how pale and tired I looked, but when I sent them a pointed glare, they quickly scuffled off to somewhere else. After a few incidents, several seemed to make a point to avoid me and my air of irritation completely.
When I finally parked in my temporary driveway, I sat behind the wheel for almost ten minutes, staring blankly through the windshield, slouched back into my seat. I had no energy, nor desire, to get out of the car, and it was only when Tina walked to the car with a worried look resting on her face that I was dragged out and into the house.

She held my gaze silently, her brows furrowed in concern, as we sat alone at the dinner table. “Milly,” she began, and I bit my tongue at the ridiculous nickname. “What’s going on with you?” My gaze was fixated on the way my fingers tapped the table impatiently, and all I wanted was to climb the stairs to the sanctuary of my room. “I’m fine,” I snapped. The edges of her mouth descended into a frown, and she reached to put her hand on top of my own to seize my motion. “You don’t seem fine,” she probed, but when I sent her a blank stare, she lifted her hands in mock surrender. “I’m just worried about you.” I nodded mutely, although my lack of blinking had my eyes dampening. When the first tear fell from my eye, tracing its way down my cheek, I wiped it away angrily.

A whirlwind of emotions was raging inside of me, each individual emotion fighting their way to the surface. Irritation and stress were constant, only adding to the tiredness weighing heavy in my body, but sadness had been lurking beneath the surface the entire day, and I wasn’t about to let it take over. “You don’t have to be.” My voice was meant to remain steady and convincing, but it cracked. In pure agitation, I stood abruptly and traced the steps to my room, ignoring Tina as she called for me to come back. The springs creaked under my weight as I threw myself onto the mattress and buried my head into the cool pillow. The door was closed and unlocked, but Tina was too polite to intrude. And despite my efforts not to, I cried. My shoulders shook as I sobbed into the pillow, dampening it with my tears. All of my frustration, irritation and sadness had bubbled to the surface, finally becoming too much for me to handle.

I knew I was a bad person. I knew I didn’t deserve the kindness of the ones around me, and when I wanted to just make myself smaller, to take up less of their space, I couldn’t even do that. My mood hurt everyone around me, and for a split second I contemplated just ending it all. But that thought was gone as fast as it had surfaced - a combination of me being a pussy and not wanting Tina, Lucy and their parents to find me up here in a pool of my own blood. Despite the allurement of the peace and quiet death would provide, I could only have the next best thing. Sleep.

…

To my surprise, I managed to sleep through the entire night even though I went to bed in the afternoon. My alarm rang obnoxiously, and I hurried to turn it off before it woke anyone else in the household. My joints cracked and my back ached as I sat up and placed my feet on the cool floor. Goosebumps rose on my skin, and I hurried to the bathroom to assess the damage to my face. I cringed. The skin around my eyes was slightly red and swollen, a sharp contrast to my otherwise pale skin.

A cool shower did the trick - my matted hair was shiny once again, and the redness had faded to nothing. The cold air in the bathroom prompted me to quickly slide into my underwear, sweat-pants and t-shirt before venturing downstairs. As every other day, I wanted to go for a run, but my joints hurt so much I could barely walk without cringing, so I decided to skip it and merely relish in the silence of the kitchen while everyone else was still asleep. Darkness still loomed behind the windows as I turned on the coffee maker and waited for it to finish. In the meantime, I filled a glass with water and brought it to my lips.

A startled jolt rang through my body as a throat being cleared sounded behind me, almost prompting me to drop the glass between my hands. I turned around with a slight frown on my face - one that was immediately smoothed out as I laid eyes on Andy, who was leaning casually against the counter behind him with his arms crossed against his chest. “Andy?” I croaked, and immediately cleared my throat at the embarrassing crack of my voice. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips as his nodded before unfolding his arms and coming to stand next to me. “Why are you here?” I bit my tongue as I realized how rude it sounded, but he didn't seem to mind as the relaxed smile remained on his face. He shrugged. “I was getting stressed out at the studio. I’ll go back in a few days.” I furrowed my brows, but nodded in a hopefully understanding fashion. Before any other words were exchanged, I retrieved a couple of vitamin pills and swallowed them down with the water.

“Are you going to work?” Andy asked kindly, still standing next to me, now with both hands in his pockets. “Yeah. We can’t all be superstars like you,” I teased half-heartedly, but his laughter still rang throughout the kitchen. “True. Would you like me to take you?” His question came as a complete surprise, and I quirked up an eyebrow as I turned to look at him. “Well, I’ve got a car of my own, so you don’t have to,” I answered, unsure whether he really meant it or if he was merely being polite. He offered me a small shrug as he once again crossed his arms over his chest. “I’d like to. No one’s going to be up for a few hours anyway.” As I yet contemplated his offer, he took a step closer. “Please,” he mumbled, looking down at me through his lashes, and I caved. “Uh, alright,” I stammered pathetically and turned around before he could see the heat rise in my cheeks. “I’ll just go get my uniform.”

Notes